regarding existential crisis,

Recently, I have been no stranger to the concept of an existential crisis. Things have been very difficult for me in the past month or so and in most cases, I kind of don't know why.

So when I was scrolling through Twitter and found a video claiming to give various people an existential crisis, all I could say to myself was, Oh, we'll see about that.

Boy, was I not ready.

I know that they didn't exactly beckon for responses, but after reading the questions and hearing the conversation surrounding them, it really sparked some inspiration in writing again, something I haven't really been able to feel in a few months. So hey, here's my unsolicited, unnecessary response to said video.

If you have an hour to watch or even just listen, I highly recommend watching James Allen McCune's video and hearing all the various perspectives on these topics. He was able to grab some great perspectives and creators to share their views on these questions, including the Sugar Pine 7 guys, Gus and Sven Johnson, and even Mike Falzone. Go subscribe to him, follow his socials (I'll have them listed at the end), and send all the support you're able to his way.

And hey, Jamie. If you've actually stumbled upon this and are taking the time to read this whole thing, thanks for stopping by to check out my rambling. I can only assume you already know my usual sentiments but I appreciate you and am proud of everything you're doing.

Okay, to the questions!

- - - - - - - - - -

1.  Career-wise, when you were 18, did you know what you wanted to do and what steps you needed to take to accomplish your goals?

Short answer? Absolutely not.

Long answer? As a young 18-year-old kid, I made a lot of emotionally-fueled decisions regarding furthering my education: I was interested in criminal justice because of my cousin's murder, psychology because of Shane's suicide, English education because I loved writing and it was my childhood dream that I wanted to fulfill for my dad. But deep down, none of those decisions felt like they were the path I was supposed to be on. Any time I'd think of college, I'd get anxious, scared that I made the wrong choice, and that I would be a complete failure. I was my worst enemy (and unfortunately, this has been a constant internal struggle for a long time).

When applying for colleges, I only chose a major because I promised my mom I wouldn't apply as undeclared. Since the school I applied for was a massive education school, I didn't take a single psychology class in high school, and had a semester of criminal justice under my belt, I chose to go for the last option and surprisingly was accepted! However, the week before I was supposed to move into my dorm and meet my suite mates for the first time, the financial office notified me of my aid being rejected. Deleted. Gone. So, would I pay the $30,000 or drop out? I obviously chose the latter, completely devastated and suddenly back to feeling lost again. I had planned everything out and trusted the path I thought was laid out for me, but that phone call turned my path into a solid brick wall, forcing me to turn around and explore a different one. Years would pass and it wouldn't have been the last time I'd have to turn back and explore something else.

Right now, I'm a 26-year-old office coordinator almost nine months into a start up drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, a career path I never envisioned for myself. And you know, I'm completely okay with it. I've learned to value opportunities to learn and venture into something new, and that's the beauty of exploring unforeseen paths.

2.  Did you always have the support of your family and friends?

I always felt I had something to prove to my family; I had a very high standard placed on me beginning at a very young age, and to an extent, I feel I still do to this day. However, even if they didn't understand some of my choices or aspirations and hobbies, they still wanted me to be happy. Sometimes, their misunderstanding came off as being degrading or hurtful, but looking back on things, I know they were just trying to look out for my best interest and well being.

My friends were (and still are) pretty great about things that I'm passionate about, except when I tell them something extremely outlandish or off-the-wall. They bring me back to Earth when I need it most.

3.  What was the biggest risk that you've taken in your career in order to get where you are now?

Up until January 2019, I was heading into my fifth year working with Starbucks. I really did love it... I loved my interactions with customers (they were basically family to me), the artistry I got to display in my drinks, the friendships I made with my coworkers, being a part of the competitive circuit, those discounts and all that free stuff. However, there wasn't a lot of opportunity for me to truly display and enhance my leadership skills. I thought I was going to do a lot more with the company than I ended up doing (which in hindsight was a hell of a lot more than I really give myself credit for), but alas, brick walls started forming and signs that my time with the Siren was ending were becoming imminent.

I had heard about the start up from a family member and, not exactly taking it very seriously at first, submitted my resume to the Executive Director. Though I had absolutely zero educational qualifications and a small portfolio displaying my experience and work ethic, she had enough faith in my abilities to offer me the position after my first interview. The day after I accepted the position with Snug Harbor, I turned in my notice to Starbucks, something that was always constant and comfortable in my life. 

Leaving an established, multi-billion dollar company with the experience and reputation that I had for an unknown start up with nothing but mystery and hidden obstacles surrounding it was one of the most radical decisions I've ever made. When I came onto the team, there were only three other people. There was no estimation as to when we'd take clients. There was no training program. I came into a bare bones skeleton of the business that has been built and molded right before my eyes with only a promise of being part of something extraordinary; January 7, 2019 was the day my feet hit the ground running, and I haven't looked back since.

It's been extremely hard work. I doubt my abilities to do my job almost every day. But I can truly say that I can look at everything I've had a hand in so far, find my fingerprints, my heart, and my hard work in it and say, Damn, I did that. And man, to be frank... it feels really fucking good.

4.  What struggles or obstacles did you face while trying to get where you are now?

Sharing Jamie's sentiment regarding this question, my biggest struggle has been and probably always will be my own self. Whether it be because of high familial standards and inheriting them as my own, insecurities I've built over the years, trauma that's stuck with me, or underlying things I don't even know about yet... I am my own worst critic. I am my own worst enemy.

Anxiety has been something that's deeply affected me, starting when Shane passed away in 2010. I tend to question everyone and everything, my worst days being when all I have the energy to do is roll to the other side of the bed. Sure, I still have those days. It's something that affects my work, as well. Having no training program, I've had to teach myself everything from the intricacies of drug and alcohol programs to office etiquette, state and federal government policies, and ethics. 

I'm always worried that I'm not measuring up to where I want to be, but I always remind myself to give myself a little grace and lower my standards a bit. Because of recent events, I am in a state of questioning everything: who my friends are and who I like to surround myself around, feeling assured in my choices, navigating this overemotional state I am just kind of stuck in. I don't feel a lot of energy to do much of anything at the moment... make breakfast, call my mom, clean my face, you know... normal people things. But I, for one, take a moment to celebrate myself in the times I actually push through and do those things. Just because I have one bad day, it doesn't discount or overshadow the many good days before it.

This is something I'm trying to work on. In June, I decided to go back to therapy for the first time since high school. However, changing a mindset takes a lot of time and effort. Some days, I want to put in more, some days less. And then there are those days that I want to put absolutely nothing into it. It doesn't make me lazy or unmotivated. It's just all part of being human.

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm anticipating the day I am at least somewhere close to it.

5.  How would you define happiness?

This one is very hard for me to answer.

Personally, I feel at my happiest state when I'm surrounded by my supportive and caring community of people, have a grasp on some sort of stability, and accept myself for everything I can bring to the table, regardless of how much I can bring to it at that present moment.

And right now, that's all I can really say about it.

6.  Are you happy?

If I would've received this question a few months ago, I'd give you a big, fat, Stone Cold Steve Austin level Hell yeah!. Now? Not so much.

In all honesty, I am not happy right now. Actually, I'm in an extreme case of fragile emotion: I'm angry, depressed, lonely, anxious, easily irritable, self deprecating, sometimes paranoid about my life and the people I have in it. I've had my states of crisis and, on rare days, states of calm and moments of joy. However, joy is fleeting right now and is usually overridden by whatever negative feeling decides to expose itself. It's exhausting, and I definitely don't recommend it.

I tend to be someone that looks at the silver lining of any situation or person, so being in a position where I can't physically do that is very frustrating for me. At times, it feels extremely embarrassing. So for the few of you that have had to experience my random outbursts, just know I feel terrible and I do sincerely apologize.

I'm hoping to shake this off soon, though, and get back to seeing the brighter side of things again. Just please know that I'm trying.

7.  How would you define success?

The idea of success comes in a few steps: finding something to learn, failing at the thing, adapting and adjusting the process, and continuous improvement. Once you attain a skill that you love, finding stability in your talents and being able to utilize it is really the ultimate goal.

I also tend to find success in being happy with the work or hobbies I'm doing, envisioning stability in said work, and finding fulfillment in that work, as well.

There's a lot of facets to success; these are the concepts that most resonate with me, though.

8.  Would you say that you are successful?

Actually, yes.

When considering everything since starting at Snug Harbor, and please excuse me for talking myself up here, I've really been able to learn and accomplish a lot. I'm a huge supporter of continuous learning and improvement, and my job has been nothing but continuous learning and improvement, whether I'm learning from someone else or finding the information on my own. It's been a great experience to test my leadership skills, planning, problem solving, and increase my knowledge regarding the opioid epidemic, government policy, and professional connections.  Professionally, I wouldn't trade this for anything else right now. I'm not where I want to be, but I know it's on the horizon.

9.  What advice would you give to anybody attempting to achieve their goals in life?

• Sometimes, you will be the only one who believes in what you're about to do. Keep believing in yourself. Do the thing.
• People may not understand what your goals are or why you want to accomplish them. Don't let their misunderstanding convince you that your goals are irrelevant.
• Mistakes do not mean you suck. Keep trying. Keep failing. It feels so much better when you finally get it.
• If paths change and you're not pursuing what you originally thought you were, that's okay! Plans change. Life changes. It does not mean you are not worth giving yourself another chance.
• Don't do it alone. Find a mentor. Lean on some reliable, accountability partners. Ask for help.
• Never underestimate yourself. You are smarter, stronger, and more capable than you think you are. 

And if it means anything... whoever you are, wherever you are, I believe in you.

- - - - - - - - - -

To connect with James Allen McCune:

• Youtube- https://www.youtube.com/user/ScootyDoot
• Twitter and Instagram- @jallenmc

To connect with me, please do not send me messages on here! Instead, go to Twitter or Instagram @wizcarlyfuh. Please be patient if I don't answer as quickly as usual, but know my messages are always open.

Thanks for reading. Hope to see you all again soon.☺️

i'm living in a state of monotony,

Today is day 167 of 2019.

I woke up this morning as I've normally done the past six months or so. The same old routine, same excuses to skip breakfast... the same shoes and my same backpack and the same "good morning"s and "have a great day"s without missing a single beat. But once I got in my car to take my same old route to work, I had the realization that the year is basically halfway over already... and here I am doing the same old thing, letting it pass me by without batting an eye.

Ever since I can remember, having a steady 9-5 schedule has been the pinnacle mark of "making it" in the career world. It's seen as that stamp of approval for most people; you've got that and for most, it's a shallow indicator that you may be doing alright for yourself. Maybe that's all part of growing up. Going steady, settling down, and easing into a routine that's comfortable until retirement rolls around. But after doing it for about six months, I still don't know if that's what I want right now... or rather, what I really want from life at all.

About a week ago, I went on a spontaneous road trip with a friend of mine to a small village in Ohio. After hours of exploring, hearing his countless stories of adventure and limitless imagination... there I was, feeling like there was nothing for me to contribute. A part of me could only dig for my once vibrant adventurous spirit to find nothing but dust and distant memories. And when we walked back to the car, I took a moment to turn around, take in the village for one moment... examine the architecture, smile at the couple nearby walking their dog, watch the man with the telescope talk to some kids about the moon. It was almost like the Earth froze and everything surrounding me was suspended in silence. And it felt good. It felt really good.

This year has felt like such a whirlwind that I unintentionally had to take a moment to ground myself. Remind myself where I was, what day I was living in... hell, even what time it was when I saw how dark it was starting to get. I used to always laugh at people who said that the year flew by so fast and those who wondered where it all went. Now I'm one of them... not by choice, but alas.


I tend to not feel myself "appreciating the moment" much anymore. I'm in a state of life right now where I follow my daily schedule and don't even try to deviate from it in fear that something will go completely and utterly wrong... or the fact that I'm more mentally exhausted than I've ever been. And though I get frustrated and sometimes tend to beat myself up for feeling this way, I feel it's also part of transitioning in life: things change, routines get altered to fit new lifestyles, and so does our perception of the world around us.

Today, I took a different route to work. Drove around my old neighborhood and sat in front of my father's old house. And later, I'm going to take a different route home. If I get lost, that's completely okay... because sometimes, the most precious moments in life are those that you didn't expect to be in.

I would be lying if I were to say these past six months weren't trying.  But I also would be lying if I said that I didn't learn anything from it. To tell you the truth, 2019 has been one of the most beautiful years of my life, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Here's to hoping for more beautiful moments, for finding adventure in my monotony, and for different routes to work. This isn't the first of it, and it surely isn't the last.