Today is day 167 of 2019.
I woke up this morning as I've normally done the past six months or so. The same old routine, same excuses to skip breakfast... the same shoes and my same backpack and the same "good morning"s and "have a great day"s without missing a single beat. But once I got in my car to take my same old route to work, I had the realization that the year is basically halfway over already... and here I am doing the same old thing, letting it pass me by without batting an eye.
Ever since I can remember, having a steady 9-5 schedule has been the pinnacle mark of "making it" in the career world. It's seen as that stamp of approval for most people; you've got that and for most, it's a shallow indicator that you may be doing alright for yourself. Maybe that's all part of growing up. Going steady, settling down, and easing into a routine that's comfortable until retirement rolls around. But after doing it for about six months, I still don't know if that's what I want right now... or rather, what I really want from life at all.
About a week ago, I went on a spontaneous road trip with a friend of mine to a small village in Ohio. After hours of exploring, hearing his countless stories of adventure and limitless imagination... there I was, feeling like there was nothing for me to contribute. A part of me could only dig for my once vibrant adventurous spirit to find nothing but dust and distant memories. And when we walked back to the car, I took a moment to turn around, take in the village for one moment... examine the architecture, smile at the couple nearby walking their dog, watch the man with the telescope talk to some kids about the moon. It was almost like the Earth froze and everything surrounding me was suspended in silence. And it felt good. It felt really good.
This year has felt like such a whirlwind that I unintentionally had to take a moment to ground myself. Remind myself where I was, what day I was living in... hell, even what time it was when I saw how dark it was starting to get. I used to always laugh at people who said that the year flew by so fast and those who wondered where it all went. Now I'm one of them... not by choice, but alas.
I tend to not feel myself "appreciating the moment" much anymore. I'm in a state of life right now where I follow my daily schedule and don't even try to deviate from it in fear that something will go completely and utterly wrong... or the fact that I'm more mentally exhausted than I've ever been. And though I get frustrated and sometimes tend to beat myself up for feeling this way, I feel it's also part of transitioning in life: things change, routines get altered to fit new lifestyles, and so does our perception of the world around us.
Today, I took a different route to work. Drove around my old neighborhood and sat in front of my father's old house. And later, I'm going to take a different route home. If I get lost, that's completely okay... because sometimes, the most precious moments in life are those that you didn't expect to be in.
I would be lying if I were to say these past six months weren't trying. But I also would be lying if I said that I didn't learn anything from it. To tell you the truth, 2019 has been one of the most beautiful years of my life, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Here's to hoping for more beautiful moments, for finding adventure in my monotony, and for different routes to work. This isn't the first of it, and it surely isn't the last.
