On the Friend Zone,

Now, I'm no expert in dating.  I've been a single gal for over six years, so I'm more familiar with being single than the concept of being in a relationship.  In fact, romantic relationships in general are an unknown to me.  But a reoccurring conversation I keep having with some of my guy friends and a guy I had rejected have made this post what it is.

The friend zone.  Oh, the dreaded friend zone. We all feel like we've been in the friend zone at least once in our lives.  And if you don't know the feeling, I'll define it like this:  you have feelings for someone, but they don't see it the way you do. And there's this myth going around that nice people get put in this said friend zone, simply for being nice.  But that's not the case at all.  Friends get put in the friend zone because they're being, wait for it... friendly.

I had a conversation with one of my guy friends recently.  After months of us being friends, he throws the bomb on me that he had feelings for me and wondered why I didn't respond to his advances.  The only thing I could really even say was, "Well, I thought you were just being nice."  Holding doors, grabbing my jacket, having a casual conversation, like you do with anyone else, doesn't show someone you have a special interest in them.

And that's what I had to realize about my own actions.  I come across as a generally friendly person (I hope), and if I like someone, it sometimes is shaded by the fact that I act the same way to everyone, so they assume I'm being friendly with them.  Sure, I get angry, but at the end of it, I just gained another cool friend! Isn't that something to celebrate, rather than get angry about?

I know this is a really weird topic for a single lady to talk about, since people my age are always talking about how terrible their singleness is and how people always push them to the side.  But I'm gonna be sort of brutally honest, and this is something I had to learn in the many years I've been looking for my Prince Charming:  nobody owes you anything for being nice, and the people you have interest in don't, either.  In this life, we're supposed to be nice to people.  You don't get a cookie or an award for doing stuff that you should be doing anyway.  So that means these few things:

1. If you express your feelings to someone and they don't have the same mindset as you, respect it.
2. Don't pressure your love interest on a date to 'change their mind'. All that's going to do is push you further away from them.
3. And don't spam their social media or personal numbers either with date advances. You'll be digging yourself into an even deeper hole than before.
4. Don't question it. No one can control their feelings, so asking someone "what's wrong with me that you can't give me a chance" is one of those unanswerable questions, unless you're willing to bury yourself in said hole.
5. Still stay connected with them. To that other person, your friendship means something to them.  Your heart may be broken, but is it really worth cutting off a friendship?

I've had interest in many guys during this single time.  Musicians, guys in my church groups, businessmen, football players, filmmakers, a guy in the Navy, a radio DJ in San Antonio, and one of the regulars I used to serve at Starbucks.  And though none of these guys have ever returned my feelings, I've grown to have so many new and cool friends that can get things that're too high for me to reach, open pickle jars, and have my back when we go out.  I've learned to realize that I appreciate those things way more than having a boyfriend.  If a man comes in my life that is willing to be a part of my life and I feel the same about him, I will welcome him with open arms and an even more open heart.  But until then, I'm being shown what a Godly man looks like, and that's way more than I can ask for.

Instead of getting angry at being 'friend zone'd, be grateful.  Maybe that person wasn't for you.  Maybe you weren't for them.  But be grateful that you have a new connection made in the infinite connections we are blessed to have.  It doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be worthwhile in the end.

What I Was Going to Talk About at Small Group... Until Last Night,

Scriptures to Accommodate Discussion:  John 13:15-16, Ephesians 2:10, Mark 10:45

When I was a senior in high school, my high school put on a production of “Beauty and the Beast”.  It was a musical that, as soon as I heard we were going to do it, I was so set on being in.  And the part I wanted to be?  Mrs. Potts.  I wanted to be the one on center stage, singing the iconic Disney classic for the entire school and the parents and families that would be coming.  So, I prayed for the part.  Along with that, I prayed to be used to minister to the kids that didn’t know Christ during the production of the play.  I prayed and prayed until the moment of the audition, when I sang the song in front of a few peers and four audition scouts that were volunteering.  And when I was finished singing, I had this feeling that I had gotten the part.  I was gonna be the best Mrs. Potts, and I was going to make some kids Christian in the process.

But that wasn’t really how it all worked out.  About a week later, I got an email from the musical director with the cast list.  And you may have already figured it out, but if you haven’t, sorry for the spoiler:  no, I didn’t get Mrs. Potts.  I didn’t get Mrs. Potts, or Chip, or even one of Gaston’s stalkers.  The part I had received was the Enchantress, the character that shows up in the first few moments of the film, turns Prince Adam into the Beast, and vanishes, never to be seen the rest of the duration of the film.  I was angry, wondering why God didn’t deliver what I wanted, so I pulled out of the musical immediately.

What I had realized later in life was that God did give me what I asked for.  He didn’t give me the exact place or position I wanted, but He did give me the opportunity to serve and minister to those who didn’t know Him.  I prayed to minister to those people, He gave it to me, and I denied the job He presented.  Instead of feeding my serving heart like I had intended, I decided to feed my ego, and my ego was anything but happy.  And that’s dangerous!  When you start to feed your ego and malnourish your serving heart, you start to believe that serving is all about YOU, when it’s supposed to be all about HIM.

I’ve been leading our Pre-service Prayer team at Erie Young Adults for a few months now, and it’s been awesome, but it’s also been a learning experience for me.  When some of them pray, and I do it too, we use this common term:  Use me.  Use me to lead them to You.  Use me to help You.  Use me, use me, use me.  But sometimes, your “use me” can turn into a “use me… more than everyone else”, especially when you’re feeding your forever-starving ego.  And I confess, this is something I have trouble with sometimes.  At one point, I did this so much that I started to turn being used by God as my personal Savior… essentially using being used.

As our ministries get bigger, whether they be our individual interactions, small groups, young adult and youth groups, and church establishments, we must also get smaller.  What we have to remember is this:  imagine that God is the entire universe.  Yeah… that universe.  Gigantic, infinite, no edge.  Compared to this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge, you are an itty, bitty star, suspended in this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge.  You, as this tiny star, would not be able to be suspended in the vast emptiness of space without the universe holding you up and giving you life.  You would not be able to live and breathe on this Earth without God giving you the breath you breathe and the ground to walk on.

When serving and praying for opportunities to serve, we should ask God to “use anybody” he wants instead of just using us individually.  Instead of praying that you’ll be used and being granted applaud less, mundane opportunities to serve, pray that He just moves and participate in the joy that will come.

Think about Jesus’ ministry for a minute.  Sure, He fed the 5,000, raised the dead, healed people left and right, but at the end of the day, he only ministered to 12 people.  And with today’s standards, Jesus’ ministry was an epic failure.  That’s right, I said it:  Jesus’ ministry was a failure.  But think about how the church has turned today!  I saw a post from one church saying that they brought 40 people to salvation on Easter and that if “you want saved, come to a service“.  I’ve heard leaders from organizations get more excited over the number of people coming to the services than the number of people being served and growing each week.  This is happening at many of our churches to many of our leaders, even ourselves, and we don’t even realize it because it’s become such a norm.  Sometimes, I feel like the church is being fueled on numbers, rather than salvation and the message of Jesus, and because of that, I feel like it’s rubbing off on other Christians as it being ‘okay’ to feed our inner-most egos.  At the end of the day, we’re in it for Jesus, not ourselves.

When I first accepted Christ, I would never go out and do serving stuff.  I would make excuses and say that it "wasn't my spiritual gifting to serve, but rather to preach".  And a friend of mine said something pretty cool that I still hold with me today:  If we don’t wanna hold a toilet brush, we have no business holding a microphone.

I really feel like we can apply this to our personal serving heart, not just in the situation of cleaning toilets.  Jesus hung out with the lowest of people.  Prostitutes, lepers, tax collectors, the homeless… He got on their level.  Instead of feeding our forever-starving ego, why can’t we be like Jesus and just get on their level?  Being human towards others sends more of a message than acting superior.  Remember:  messengers are never greater than the One who sent them.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned in life, from the serving incident, the Mrs. Potts denial, and just all throughout childhood, is that life is not all about me.  And you know what?  It never will be.  As Christ-followers, our actions will never be about us.  It’ll always be about God and what he did for each and every one of us, so we could be granted eternal life forever.  Instead of praying that God use you more than the rest, pray that God moves and that you wouldn’t miss the joy.  Open your eyes so wide so you can see it and be a part of it, even if it means you aren’t the star.