The friend zone. Oh, the dreaded friend zone. We all feel like we've been in the friend zone at least once in our lives. And if you don't know the feeling, I'll define it like this: you have feelings for someone, but they don't see it the way you do. And there's this myth going around that nice people get put in this said friend zone, simply for being nice. But that's not the case at all. Friends get put in the friend zone because they're being, wait for it... friendly.
I had a conversation with one of my guy friends recently. After months of us being friends, he throws the bomb on me that he had feelings for me and wondered why I didn't respond to his advances. The only thing I could really even say was, "Well, I thought you were just being nice." Holding doors, grabbing my jacket, having a casual conversation, like you do with anyone else, doesn't show someone you have a special interest in them.
And that's what I had to realize about my own actions. I come across as a generally friendly person (I hope), and if I like someone, it sometimes is shaded by the fact that I act the same way to everyone, so they assume I'm being friendly with them. Sure, I get angry, but at the end of it, I just gained another cool friend! Isn't that something to celebrate, rather than get angry about?
I know this is a really weird topic for a single lady to talk about, since people my age are always talking about how terrible their singleness is and how people always push them to the side. But I'm gonna be sort of brutally honest, and this is something I had to learn in the many years I've been looking for my Prince Charming: nobody owes you anything for being nice, and the people you have interest in don't, either. In this life, we're supposed to be nice to people. You don't get a cookie or an award for doing stuff that you should be doing anyway. So that means these few things:
- If you express your feelings to someone and they don't have the same mindset as you, respect it.
- Don't pressure your love interest on a date to 'change their mind'. All that's going to do is push you further away from them.
- And don't spam their social media or personal numbers either with date advances. You'll be digging yourself into an even deeper hole than before.
- Don't question it. No one can control their feelings, so asking someone "what's wrong with me that you can't give me a chance" is one of those unanswerable questions, unless you're willing to bury yourself in said hole.
- Still stay connected with them. To that other person, your friendship means something to them. Your heart may be broken, but is it really worth cutting off a friendship?
I've had interest in many guys during this single time. Musicians, guys in my church groups, businessmen, football players, filmmakers, a guy in the Navy, a radio DJ in San Antonio, and one of the regulars I used to serve at Starbucks. And though none of these guys have ever returned my feelings, I've grown to have so many new and cool friends that can get things that're too high for me to reach, open pickle jars, and have my back when we go out. I've learned to realize that I appreciate those things way more than having a boyfriend. If a man comes in my life that is willing to be a part of my life and I feel the same about him, I will welcome him with open arms and an even more open heart. But until then, I'm being shown what a Godly man looks like, and that's way more than I can ask for.
Instead of getting angry at being 'friend zone'd, be grateful. Maybe that person wasn't for you. Maybe you weren't for them. But be grateful that you have a new connection made in the infinite connections we are blessed to have. It doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be worthwhile in the end.
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