Tonight, I want to be vulnerable with whomever decides to read this. To whoever thinks reading my blog for a few minutes is worth even a small bit of their time, I just want to be open, honest, and up front. As typing this will help me bring this issue to light and possibly be the start of overcoming this, I hope those of you dealing with this particular struggle will join me in battling this together.
I am insecure.
When people see this sentence, many immediately think of someone with a terrible self esteem. Someone who does not see the beauty and amazing things bestowed upon them. If you're an avid reader of my blog, you would know that I'd usually make a contradicting sentence to go with this. But this time, I can't. This is the type of person I am, and hope to not be in the near future.
If I wear too tight of a shirt, I'm afraid people will judge my stomach.
If I laugh too loud, I'm afraid I'll only be loved for my laugh.
If I get too energetic around people, I'm afraid people will find me too overbearing.
If I sing too loud in worship, I'm afraid people will find me insane and turning into a showoff.
If I do this, then people will think this.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not thin enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not _________ enough. And I never will be.
You know what sucks about insecurity? This. When you have thought after thought come in your head saying you can't do something... but you can't fight it. You feel that what is being said in your head is you. That you are the one telling yourself that you are the failure. That you are the screw up. That YOU are the one.
On Friday, a group of young adults and I went down to Ashtabula, Ohio, for a worship service. And every time I go, it's always a different experience. Whether it be getting prophetic word from a person, feeling the overflow of the Spirit in me, or just leaving liberated... something happens. It's really a freeing experience, and I'm definitely the one of many that push my peers to go. One thing that gets to me though? My worship. I'm loud. I'm shameless. I'm the one screaming my praise so boldly sometimes that I'm hoping the enemy craps his pants at the shrill sound of my screams. The one thing I fight while I worship though (every single time) is the fact that I don't want people to judge me. I shouldn't be doing this. God's not even going to hear you, anyways.
Through persistent prayer that night, God revealed this to me: He is going to speak directly to me. Sort of like in the second person. When God speaks to me, He is going to tell me all the things He, personally, thinks about me. He's gonna say things like...
You are beautiful.
You have all My love.
You are strong in Me.
You are loved.
You are okay.
God is going to speak life into you. To say the cliche answer, if it's good, it's from God. He is never going to put you down, tell you you're not good enough, or make you think you will never amount to anything. God is honest; He is going to speak directly to you. How cool is that?!
Now, the enemy... that pesky little Devil. He's a trickster. Even in scripture, it says that Satan is the Father of Lies. If that doesn't give you an indicator as to where this is going and you haven't gotten it from the title of this post yet, I'll give it to you straight. The enemy gets in your head by speaking in the first person. Those thoughts of I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, and God doesn't love me... among others? Totally the pit of hell, my friends.
Think about it, though... when you are thinking that you're the one saying these terrible things about yourself, how can you fight back with your own brain? How can you fight back thoughts that you think are coming from your own mind... the mind God has created? And if God created your mind and your mind is speaking death and degrading comments into your mind, does God think that way about you?
First off, know that that is not God. As much as we may think it is, those thoughts are not God and never will be. I could go on forever on how God thinks of you and how awesome you are, but that would be enough for another blog post, so I'm going to send you to this short study instead. They're a lot more knowledgeable in that department, anyways.
Okay, back on track. So, they're not of God. And second... Satan is going to use his best weapon to tear you down. That weapon, if you haven't guessed yet, is yourself. Your thoughts, your actions, your innermost secrets and struggles and past stuff buried deep. He's gonna unearth that like a ruthless pirate and destroy everything in his path. But the most amazing thing about having God on our side is the fact that we have the power to tell the enemy one, simple word: no.
We have the power and authority to tell all from the pit of Hell that whatever negative lives inside us, big or small, doesn't belong anywhere near us. We are children of God. We are precious, bought at a high price... so high that no amount of money on this Earth can match or exceed it. We are protected by the blood of Christ. And (coolest thing ever) we have been saved by the Son, who has already fought the battles and won the war on our behalf.
God is bigger than me, who is bigger than my insecurities, my circumstances, my struggles, my health, my job situation, my demons... fill in the blank. This week, I encourage you to join me. When Hell decides to tug your strings and try to play you like a marionette, dragging you along to the beat of all that is evil... all you have to do is stand tall, stand confident in the Lord, and show him where he belongs.
Show the Devil he's wrong. He's always been wrong. And he always will be.
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