I haven't slept in two days. It's 6am, an ungodly time for me to be awake, but I've been thinking a lot about this year. No, this isn't your usual "new year, new me" post... at least I hope it's not by the end of it.
I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I've been mean, petty, arrogant... even distant at times. But worst of all, I've hurt a lot of people. Some on accident, some on purpose, and most of them people I claimed to love and admire.
It's one of the unfortunate realities of being human. One of the things that makes us beautiful, though, is that we can find these flaws and strive to make them better. I'm sure you'll agree though... some of us are better at this than others.
I'm not afraid to admit that I've lost the majority of my friends this year. Maybe it's because I place my work precedent over casual hang outs, my wardrobe consisting of nothing but black on black with a touch of green during the day and a pair of sweats and blankets after 10. Maybe it's because I'm literally running the finances of an entire household and making sure they're taken care of while getting backlash over our already dirt cheap rent. Oh, did I mention this is the first time I'm doing this, I pretty much taught myself everything, and made a fool-proof budget plan by myself? Maybe it's because I'm not as active in ministry anymore because my mental health, unfortunately, has to come first. Some people don't understand that as much as I've had to the past year, but I learned in the hardest and darkest way possible. I don't wish it on anyone. Maybe it's because I'm always depressed because of a diagnosis I haven't told anyone about except the people I work with and the few people outside of my work circle... but everyone assumes I'm fine. And it's okay. Even though this is something so much bigger than I am and I can never wrap my brain around it, I always assume I'm fine, too.
Or maybe... just maybe, I've finally found enough value in myself to realize that I deserve people that are there for me when I need help, too. I'm not just here to serve everyone else. I'm also here to take care of myself, and that's something I'm proud to have realized this year. No one can take that away from me.
I can sit here and say that everything is going to change this year. How I'm gonna be a different person come midnight tonight. How I'm gonna start taking care of myself, get 8+ hours of sleep, go to college, not let people affect my moods and how I feel about myself, take more time for me, make friends, stop being so depressed and anxious and scatterbrained all the time... but this is what I tell myself every year. And I fail big time. This pile of things I want to make better for me gets piled higher and wider the more I think about it. But I always try.
The thing about this huge, colossal pile is that it's not gonna be defeated in a day. Every day is a chance to take a small, manageable chunk off of the pile and work at that small piece, then move on to the next manageable piece. Changing yourself isn't about overwhelming yourself. It's about taking one small step at a time until you reach your goal.
Now, I'm not trying to turn over a new leaf; these aren't things one can just will into their personality. It takes time... a person is molded and shaped over a course of days and weeks, months and years. I know I'm not gonna get it right the first time. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to stumble, and I'm surely going to disappoint myself and everyone around me along the way. But as a friend once said, "Success is perserverance through failure and it's through failure that I will perservere to become the person I want to be." That is where I set my sights; setting a goal I know I will probably never achieve because perfection is impossible but nonetheless will persue until the day I die.
What is it they say? It's the journey, not the destination.
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