When Regret Comes Around,

There's times I sit and wonder how my life would be if I would have done more.  Been more bold and tenacious.  Said more than I did or even did more than I wanted to.  But the bittersweet thing about life is this: I can't go back and change any of that.

Let me tell you one of my many regrets in life; maybe you can relate.

There's a guy I met a little over a year ago that completely stole my heart. He was everything I really wanted: strong in his faith, worked with kids, challenged me in many places of my life, and even liked chicken nuggets (and people who truly know me know that someone who doesn't like chicken nuggets is a deal breaker) just to name a few. We would have long phone conversations about ministry and work. He even wanted to me to submit an application to start working with him. Brad was a person that I was ready to drop everything for... but 8 hours and 55 minutes separated my desires from reality.

You see, in order for me to grasp what I desired, which was a guy and an apprenticeship that I really wasn't promised a job at the end of, I would have had to drop my entire life and move to Charlotte, North Carolina. I did my research, sought council from my friends, prayed A LOT, and even started looking for apartments near the church I would have been working at.  At the end, though, I opted out.  I withdrew my application.  I cancelled my video shoots and Skype interviews.  And sometimes, I regret every moment of it.  I catch myself sharing things from the church or see Brad with his new girlfriend and the thought of me not being where my heart longs to be truly kills me.

But instead of living in the past, I have to learn from my past.

I never told Brad I liked him.  And I'm pretty sure a few other girls have admitted this to him in his time there, as well. I never told Brad anything, actually. I never took that step and fully submitted my applications.  I never got to meet the staff or intern with awesome people.  I never got to live out my dream and work at Elevation... yet.

I gained so much from staying though.  I wouldn't have been able to stay at Starbucks and learn more about my other passion of coffee if I didn't stay.  I wouldn't have met so many new friends if I didn't stay.  I wouldn't have been able to meet my youth kids and have the opportunity to preach if I didn't stay.  Heck... my life would be so different if I didn't stay.

Maybe it'd be a good different, I don't know.  All I know is this:  when regret comes around, brush your shoulders off.  There's probably a reason why you're on this particular path rather than the one you desire.  You may not see it now, but understanding comes with wisdom and experience.  And that's what I strive for in times of regret.

At the end of it all, I didn't really lose much. I gained more than I could ever imagine.  And forget Brad, he's just another guy.  There's someone better out there, anyways... and being patient for that person is something I'll never regret.

Bumps in the Road and Getting Over Them,

It's been a long time since I've really sat down and blogged.  It's been almost a year; I've never really taken that long of a break before.  But for those of you who don't know, you now know one of my many secrets: I have a blog.

So hello, welcome.

2016 has been one of the most chaotic, unpredictable, and earth shattering years I've been a part of.  Whether it be because of cancers, death, shattered friendships, or rediscovery... it's been a beautiful disaster that I've been privileged to be a part of.  And that's odd to say, when I think about it.  As a normal person, I wouldn't think that instantaneous tragedy like almost losing your friend to stage 4 cancer or actually losing someone to an unexpected car accident to be something I'm 'happy' to be a part of.  I disconnected from a lot of people that believed lies about me and people that I knew weren't good for me to be around.  These aren't things to be happy about, but these are things that I look back on, even though some may be fresh, and discover how much I've grown as a person, whether other people think it's a positive or negative change.

With all the chaos, I lost my stability this year.  I was in probably one of the darkest places I've ever been in and I would never wish that on anyone.  To be candid, I didn't think I was going to even come back from losing it.  There were many nights this year that I sat and contemplated my future or if I even wanted to continue on.  I can remember sitting in my bed, crying in confusion and thinking thoughts I never had for 24 straight days; and every night I would ask myself the same questions with nothing in return.  There were many mornings that I laid in bed and fought with myself over going into work, getting breakfast, or even leaving my room.  There were even a few moments when I would approach people I thought were my friends, especially one of my roommates, and was told that the things I were feeling were because I "wasn't praying hard enough" and that "people don't want to be around you anymore because you're draining to them when you get depressed and anxious. Where's your joy?!".  Because that doesn't make someone who's depressed feel worse.

Though this has been an insane year and there has been much loss and sadness, I have gained so much more than I could imagine.  My faith is stronger than it ever has been; that happens when you spend so much time alone.  God has been my firm foundation in this time and I'm so thankful for His timing and presence in my life.  I work with the best youth ministry and have the most wonderful kids that I get to hang out with each week... I genuinely love all 80+ of them and they're the highlight of my week (you can ask anyone; I talk about them way too much).  He's brought the right people and the right things in my life and I know there are greater things to come.

Speaking of people, I have the best support system right now.  Let me gloat about them real quick:

• My mom is not just my mom, she's one of my best friends.  I'm so grateful to have a mother who tells me like it is and loves me unconditionally.  I don't think I would've made it this year without her.
• I am absolutely grateful for my Starbucks family.  Regardless of how many tears I shed or how angry I got, they were still there for me and (not trying to assume) loved me on my good days and my bad days.  They're some of the most amazing people I've had the honor of working with.  And if they actually see this... Pj, Jordan, Tiff, Emily, and the rest of my #9310 team... I am so grateful for you guys.  I can't even put it into words.  Thank you for putting your agendas aside to be there for me.  I truly love you guys.
• The few friends that have stuck around with me are some of the BEST people in the world.  I don't think I've been so real with a group of people in recent years.  From coming to my house for spontaneous burritos, spending an entire night just driving and eating ice cream, or even getting serious with me during that dark time... Kara, Brianna, Sarah, Jessie, Sam, Katie... thank you for showing me that you care.  That's all I need.

With all this thank-you talk, I guess I can spill about what the title of this blog is really about... bumps in the road and getting over them.  I have learned a lot this year and if you're going through a hard time right now, I hope this will help... even just a small bit.

1. It's okay to be vulnerable with people. It's easy to assume that what makes us likable are our strengths, our accomplishments, or the things we're proud of.  Sure, this impresses people, but it isn't what draws others to us. We get closer to someone the more we can depart from what human beings are like and grow closer to the truths that are hidden by a cheerful facade.  These are truths like being lonely for a long time, how unsatisfactory a family situation is, or how worried we are... all the time. Revealing these things can put us in social danger, but friendship is seeing past that.  It's connecting with someone in that vulnerability and being empathetic with them.  It's looking at them and saying, "Hey, me too".
2. Your priorities don't have to meet someone else's standards in order for them to be important.  A few weeks ago, my roommate and I had a falling out over my priorities.  The fact that I can't go to church on Sundays because of my job is seen as unsatisfactory to her, and I got real frustrated. I'm making money, I'm paying my rent!  I know I'm doing something right.  And God knows I'm doing something right; if I wasn't, I would be on a different path right now.  Life isn't about impressing other people and catering your priorities to everyone else.  Which leads me to my third point.
3. Put some time aside to take care of yourself.  When I was at work last Monday, I cried.  All the stress life had thrown at me the previous few days had finally gotten to me.  Two of my coworkers were trying to comfort me (bless their poor souls for having to witness my Kim Kardashian-level ugly cry), when one of them said something that really stuck with me: money's gonna come, you're job's still gonna be here, none of that is important... what's important is that you need to take care of yourself.  So on the next day I had off, I took care of myself.  I cooked a nice meal, went on a run, put in extra effort when it came to my makeup, listened to some old emo-pop bands I blasted in the Myspace era of my life, mowed my lawn, cleaned my living space, and napped.  I napped a lot.  Self-care looks different to each person, but take time each day to treat yourself in small ways.  Don't let your mental health fall through; you're too important.
4. Find a good support system.  See my sappy thank you note for why this is important.
5. Try to be positive.  Dumbledore said it better than I could ever: happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.

I keep going because I know my best memories are yet to be made.  Never let a bump in the road be the end of your journey.