A few weeks ago, I confessed to a guy I had been talking to for a few weeks that I had feelings for him. If you know me, this is one of the hardest things I can do with anyone. I have these spasms of anxiety every now and then that like to come back and haunt me with tongue-tied words, awkward sweating, and absolutely no eye contact. And yes, as you would figure, the guy rejected me, like they all do. But it was the way he rejected me that struck a cord.
When I told him, all he did was look at me and say, "You're one of the nicest girls I know and your personality is spot on, but you don't have the look I'm looking for." The look. Excuse me?
No, I'm not tall or blonde or blue eyed or tan. The gene pool didn't really work in my favor in that department. My upper lip isn't as full as my lower lip and my teeth are fucked up and my nose looks like the nose on your grandmother's old Santa ornaments she puts on her tree on Christmas. I'm probably the largest 5'1'' girl you've ever seen, but I really can't help that either, since... well, I'm probably dying of some fucking cancer or some other unknown disorder my doctors don't know anything about. I would've rather have been told that I was way too fat for him than to be told that I didn't have "the look".
I feel like I run into this problem a lot. That because of my size, I'm 'undateable'. And if that is the only problem with me and why I've been single for the past 5+ years, then I'm never going to find anyone at this rate.
Another thing: I am such a hypocrite with this, but I'm sick and tired of people telling me that "good things come to people who wait". Excuse me, I've been waiting for over five years to be a skinny, beautiful woman with no irregularities about her and who men find to be this absolutely beautiful creature sent from the Heavens. I've been waiting for over five years too look like a normal fucking human being, and that obviously is never going to come for me. No matter how hard I pray, no matter how tough my exterior is, no matter how many friends I make or how much community service I do or how many times my doctors make me not eat, I will never look normal. I'm always going to have these stretch marks, and they're only going to get larger. I'm always going to look like this, and I'm only going to get bigger. No one will love me for me because my Stein Leventhal is getting in the fucking way and I'm so sick and tired of being alone.
All I want is for someone to make me feel beautiful and special. For just one night. Take me to a light dinner. Let's take a stroll in the park at night. Look at the stars. Just him and I. Hold my hand and dance with me under the stars. Make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
But this probably will never happen. Because I'm me, and nothing good ever happens with me.
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