It's Time to Let Go,

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

I'm not one of those people who vents.  Usually, I'm the type that keeps everything to myself and, when completely boiled over, lets everything out in a smashing rage and leaves nothing but a valley in my path.  But this is something I never let out. Something I've come to realize is probably time to let go of, and I can't let go of it until I talk about it.  Yes, it's about a boy.  Yes, it's about a love I believe would happen, but have come to realize probably never will.  And yes, it's something that will take time and commitment to let go of.

So this is what this is for.  It's a letter I'm writing to this gentleman to say goodbye to my feelings towards him.  Because I have a strong feeling that they are not reciprocated or acknowledged, and because of the situation the both of us are in, it's really not the best decision for me to keep pursuing it.

I've known this particular guy for a few years, but those little butterfly-feelings started coming around about a few months ago. We'll call him Esteban, because I don't know any Esteban's, other than Esteban from "The Suite Life", but he doesn't count because I don't know him personally.  But anyways, back to the story.  Esteban and I are very similar in just about everything.  It's actually kind of scary, to be honest.  When my dad had a stroke a few months ago, he was the first person I consoled to, and that's really what started making our friendship stronger than ever.  He and I opened up about our pasts, telling each other who we were and the things we've done.  The adventures we've been on in life, the heartbreaks we've had, and the transformations we've experienced.  He's even told me I know more about him than most of his friends and potential love interests, and that's a huge honor to have with someone.  Eventually, I started over-thinking things and thought he actually liked me.

And then the big kicker:  he then asked me to help him find a girlfriend.  As he went off on his list, he kept asking questions about me.  All I could think was... why is he asking me these things?  Why does he want to know if I have a good relationship with my family?  Why does he want to know what kind of sports I've done?  And again, I over-thought things, drawing the conclusion that he was secretly asking about me because he liked me.  But the more we saw each other, the more he'd ask me about other girls.  Is she pretty?  Is she right for me?  Carly, do you think she is the one?  Of course I would tell him to talk to the girl and give it a chance, but inside, all I wanted to do was grab his shoulders, shake him, make him look me in the eyes, and yell, "HEY ESTEBAN, WHAT ABOUT ME?"

The truth is, no matter how hard I try, it'll never be me.

I had this dream last night that really inspired me to write this out.  I was a deer trying to cross an empty road to the woods.  As I walked, a car came by and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the car's headlights, so dazzled and infatuated with the view.  Every time I try to achieve something, I'm like a deer in the headlights, losing focus on the goal and averting my gaze to something that'll hurt me in the end:  you.

So Esteban, I know that even though you're calling me pretty, you do it to make me feel good, not because you really mean it.  I know that those talks we have are because you want to get things off your chest and I'm the one there, not so that I can get to know you personally.  I know that your hugs, hand holding and kind words were just kind gestures, not signs of infatuation.  And I'm sorry that that was how I saw it the past few months, and if you ever find this during your travels on the Internet, if someone shows you, or if I have the guts to present this to you in the future, I really hope you understand and forgive me afterwards.  I can't keep having these sleepless nights, wondering what you think of me... in the words of my friend, Mike Ballz, "Fantasize about us living in paradise, in a warm place where we never really die".

I've been sitting here for the past eight hours, trying to compile my thoughts into words, words into sentences.  And hopefully this is the last time I ever touch this.  So, until these feelings are mutual (which they probably never will), I have to let you go.  Put these feelings, dreams, aspirations, thoughts... all in a box and put them away for good. It's going to be tough.  It's not like I see you only once a week or month.  I see you more than that.  Three, four times a week.  Sometimes every day of the week.  But I can't keep torturing myself with false hope and aspirations with someone that doesn't want to be a part of it.

With being sick, I don't want to waste my time with someone that is steering me the wrong way.  I literally do not have time to mess around and joke about life.  And ironically, I've spent eight hours of my precious time writing about someone who I say I don't have time to be hung up on.  It's time to build relationships with others, not just you.  It's time to put myself out there for people and show them the best I can be, not put myself out there for you and show you the best I can be.  It's time to move on.