Your Top Five,

So, for those of you that know my internet usage, I'm on a lot.  And one of the things I'm on a lot is Twitter.  I follow a lot of different people, from YouTubers to TV stars and interesting regulars.  Now, one of the people I follow, Michael Fjordbak (if you don't know who he is, get acquainted before his career blows up... a very talented and nice guy!) posted this today and it inspired me to write this.

A lot of us are going through tough times.  And when you are going through these tough times, the most important thing is to find a person or people that are going to be available to you so you can talk and express your feelings.  People that, even if you don't need advice, will be available to sit and listen.

As a Christian, I have a strong belief that the Lord has blessed me with the gift of listening.  I may not be able to string the right words into sentences properly, but my young brain is like a treasure chest full of many of my friends' struggles and secrets.  And that's okay!  I'm so glad they see me as a person they can spill their junk on and hopefully, what I say helps them in their journey.

Do you remember those old T-Mobile commercials where they would talk about establishing your 'top five' contacts?  Well, that's my advice to you: find your top five.  Find those people that you'll be comfortable talking to, no matter the time or the situation.  Find those people that'll just sit and listen.  Because when times get tough, your heart gets heavy, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's isn't helping, the most important thing to have is a community of friends that'll pick you up, dust you off, and even share that pint of Ben and Jerry's so you don't suffer from a tummy ache all alone.

It's Time to Let Go,

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

I'm not one of those people who vents.  Usually, I'm the type that keeps everything to myself and, when completely boiled over, lets everything out in a smashing rage and leaves nothing but a valley in my path.  But this is something I never let out. Something I've come to realize is probably time to let go of, and I can't let go of it until I talk about it.  Yes, it's about a boy.  Yes, it's about a love I believe would happen, but have come to realize probably never will.  And yes, it's something that will take time and commitment to let go of.

So this is what this is for.  It's a letter I'm writing to this gentleman to say goodbye to my feelings towards him.  Because I have a strong feeling that they are not reciprocated or acknowledged, and because of the situation the both of us are in, it's really not the best decision for me to keep pursuing it.

I've known this particular guy for a few years, but those little butterfly-feelings started coming around about a few months ago. We'll call him Esteban, because I don't know any Esteban's, other than Esteban from "The Suite Life", but he doesn't count because I don't know him personally.  But anyways, back to the story.  Esteban and I are very similar in just about everything.  It's actually kind of scary, to be honest.  When my dad had a stroke a few months ago, he was the first person I consoled to, and that's really what started making our friendship stronger than ever.  He and I opened up about our pasts, telling each other who we were and the things we've done.  The adventures we've been on in life, the heartbreaks we've had, and the transformations we've experienced.  He's even told me I know more about him than most of his friends and potential love interests, and that's a huge honor to have with someone.  Eventually, I started over-thinking things and thought he actually liked me.

And then the big kicker:  he then asked me to help him find a girlfriend.  As he went off on his list, he kept asking questions about me.  All I could think was... why is he asking me these things?  Why does he want to know if I have a good relationship with my family?  Why does he want to know what kind of sports I've done?  And again, I over-thought things, drawing the conclusion that he was secretly asking about me because he liked me.  But the more we saw each other, the more he'd ask me about other girls.  Is she pretty?  Is she right for me?  Carly, do you think she is the one?  Of course I would tell him to talk to the girl and give it a chance, but inside, all I wanted to do was grab his shoulders, shake him, make him look me in the eyes, and yell, "HEY ESTEBAN, WHAT ABOUT ME?"

The truth is, no matter how hard I try, it'll never be me.

I had this dream last night that really inspired me to write this out.  I was a deer trying to cross an empty road to the woods.  As I walked, a car came by and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the car's headlights, so dazzled and infatuated with the view.  Every time I try to achieve something, I'm like a deer in the headlights, losing focus on the goal and averting my gaze to something that'll hurt me in the end:  you.

So Esteban, I know that even though you're calling me pretty, you do it to make me feel good, not because you really mean it.  I know that those talks we have are because you want to get things off your chest and I'm the one there, not so that I can get to know you personally.  I know that your hugs, hand holding and kind words were just kind gestures, not signs of infatuation.  And I'm sorry that that was how I saw it the past few months, and if you ever find this during your travels on the Internet, if someone shows you, or if I have the guts to present this to you in the future, I really hope you understand and forgive me afterwards.  I can't keep having these sleepless nights, wondering what you think of me... in the words of my friend, Mike Ballz, "Fantasize about us living in paradise, in a warm place where we never really die".

I've been sitting here for the past eight hours, trying to compile my thoughts into words, words into sentences.  And hopefully this is the last time I ever touch this.  So, until these feelings are mutual (which they probably never will), I have to let you go.  Put these feelings, dreams, aspirations, thoughts... all in a box and put them away for good. It's going to be tough.  It's not like I see you only once a week or month.  I see you more than that.  Three, four times a week.  Sometimes every day of the week.  But I can't keep torturing myself with false hope and aspirations with someone that doesn't want to be a part of it.

With being sick, I don't want to waste my time with someone that is steering me the wrong way.  I literally do not have time to mess around and joke about life.  And ironically, I've spent eight hours of my precious time writing about someone who I say I don't have time to be hung up on.  It's time to build relationships with others, not just you.  It's time to put myself out there for people and show them the best I can be, not put myself out there for you and show you the best I can be.  It's time to move on.

Loving with the Eyes vs. Loving with the Heart,

"The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision." ~Helen Keller

This morning, I got to talking to one of the many girls I meet on a weekly basis at the local young adults ministry I attend.  She always messages me on Facebook, and though most people find it annoying to get the same "Hello" every other hour, I'm happy to know that she finds me as a good friend and is comfortable with doing that.  Our conversation ended up being about one of her pictures of her and a young man that I thought was her boyfriend, though, and then she said this:  Tell me what he looks like.  This girl, though blind, has had this young man as her boyfriend for almost two years (I found this after creeping on her Facebook a little bit... don't judge! You do it too!) and doesn't even know what he looks like!

When we find a person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, it seems like we have a checklist of things that that person has to meet or else they aren't fit.  And sometimes, though not of personality traits, they turn into those superficial things we want:  blonde or brunette.  Brown eyes or blue eyes.  Short or tall.  They're things that we see visually that we find pleasing.  And though those things are important, shouldn't we focus on who that person is rather than how they look?  I mean, I'd rather date a radish that clicked with my personality than a super hot, Jake Gyllenhaal-esque Norse God from the Heavens and him end up being a cowsack of suck.

I have a friend that means a lot to me that asked me once to help him "find a girlfriend".  Eventually, he opened up to me as to what he wanted in this said girlfriend.  Here's a few that I remember:  short, smart, athletic, Christian, stable relationships with her family and friends, no daddy issues, and she HAS to be pretty... just to name a few.  Talk about huge checklist of things these girls are going to have to compete with.  And yes, he's a great guy, but what a list!  As wonderful as he is, I don't think any girl reading this right now could check every single one of these things off their list.  If he keeps being this picky, how will he know if someone he could have a connection with passes him by?  And the answer?  He won't.  Why?

I believe sometimes, when showing someone love or even showing interest in someone, we should love with the heart, not with our eyes.  Our eyes can sometimes be deceiving.  Though someone may have a pretty face, they might not have the most beautiful of hearts.  Once we can see the true goodness in people with our hearts, I think even the pickiest of people can find love in everyone.

The eyes were meant for sight, but the heart was made for love.