I feel like I've never been the best version of myself. I say I'm going to try and get into school, but I remember that the government doesn't like to accept my FAFSA forms, so I get lazy and stop trying, let alone caring. I say that I'm going to register to a gym or finish my driving lessons, but I realize that I don't have enough money for either and I quit. When it comes to my graphic design stuff, I haven't been doing as many as I used to, which is pretty unacceptable to me seeing as I've done it before, but I also realize that there are way better artists than me. Hell, I even started directing the people that have asked me to do graphics to the people I know are better than me. Plus, I don't think that the stuff I've been creating recently has been as good as it used to be, and it just makes me, well... disappointed and frustrated. So I do the thing I'm most talented at: I quit. I throw in the towel and call it a day. I'm trying so hard to be the person I want to be, but every time I pull up a blank file or start up a university website or attempt to find a decently delicious recipe for this weight-loss plan I keep trying to do, I get absolutely terrified to create or even try. Like, genuinely scared.
And the thing I'm scared of? Honestly, it's you. The person I'm talking to at this moment. I've learned in this short lifespan that I've experienced that people do a lot of things to impress people; to get people to like them. I remember having a conversation with one of my bosses and he was telling me that he was learning this particular song on the guitar for this girl he was interested in. I had asked him if he liked playing guitar, and all he could reply with was, "Not really, but girls like guitars." So, was he trying to tell me the only reason he was inspired to pick up a guitar was because he wanted a particular girl to have an interest for him?
And I think that's why a lot of us do anything in this life. Whether we learn a new sport or instrument, pick up a new hobby, dress differently, change our interests... we spend our lives obsessing over whether people will like us. When I was in high school, as a young kid being picked on for no particular reason, all I wanted in life was for people to like me. But once I got out of high school and was introduced to the people I have now, I had surrounded myself with so many people that actually did like me (or so I hope), more people than I had ever imagined and my confidence had boosted to highs that I've never experienced before. But over the course of a few months, with diagnoses up the wazoo, an excessive amount of weight coming from God knows where, friends slowing dwindling away, losing inspiration towards things, and countless other factors, my confidence has shriveled down to practically nothing. And what holds me back sometimes is when I try to do something, I'm afraid that people won't like what I'm doing, which will in turn make them not like me. And so I run away from the situation, which is another one of my many useless talents in life, and pretend that that particular thing was never on my mind to even try.
I know it's weird. I know that you're probably thinking, "Carly! Do what you want! You shouldn't care what other people think and be the person you want to be instead!" but I can't help but care about what other people think of me. Worrying about what you think about me has been my entire life.
Even though my social anxiety is getting better, I still get worried about what other people think of me every single day, and it's a struggle. What do my friends think of me? What kinds of conversations do they have about me when I'm not around? What are things that are flawed about me that they've seemed to notice, but wouldn't dare say to my face? Why do they pick other people for things over me? And another one: do they even talk about me at all? Do they even care about me enough to discuss the mere topic about me? Yes, guys... this is just a portion of how this brain of mine works. I know I appear to be a happy, energetic person, but no one really understands that while I'm laughing and trying to put on a smile, I'm fighting this internal battle every time I look at someone. Even when I am genuinely happy, I feel like I'm putting on a show for people so that they will someday like me. So that I'm worthy of friendship, a date, a new job... anything that'll get me connected with people I'm certain like me.
My hope is that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that everyone just secretly feels this way, in one way or another. But honestly, I don't know that for sure. And if there is a solution, other than trying to not care as much about what other people think, I honestly don't know how to even do that.
All I've ever wanted to do with my life is make and do things that make me and other people happy, and I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my limited time on this planet. But I guess I just have to hope that I have the capacity to even take the first step and begin striving to be the person I want to be, because I honestly don't know. I'm generally unsure, and that scares me a lot.
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