Music Monday: Self-Confident Edition,

So, these are some songs from my workout playlist that I pretty much blast while I'm running or jump roping. I hope they give you all some motivation to join me on this journey, or just give you a few awesome songs for your iTunes or Spotify playlists!

By the way, I made a Spotify playlist of all the music I've ever mentioned on this blog (well, all the music that it'd let me put on a playlist in Spotify) . Here it is, if you'd like to just listen to the music I was able to put in a playlist! https://play.spotify.com/user/126077568/playlist/6EV7gcF4S0O2MIjEUQynxV

1. "Cannonball" by Lea Michele

I've got this new beginning and I will fly like a cannonball. Pretty much the summary of the past 55 days of my life. Plus, I got some very encouraging words from my friend, Amy, describing this year of growth for me as a 'cannonball being shot out of a cannon'.  So, you can definitely say that this song has become my anthem for 2014. And you can't deny that Lea Michele looks and sounds absolutely gorgeous.

2.  "Unpretty" by TLC

TLC was one of my favorite groups when I was a little girl, and "Unpretty" was one of my favorite songs.  I never realized what this song was about until I got older, though. It's a song about self confidence and loving yourself! Before you change something about yourself, learn to love it! And if you want to change it, think of it as enhancing something that is already beautiful!

3.  "Video" by India.Arie

India.Arie is officially my queen. "Video" is pretty much the "Hey I love myself and I don't give a damn what you have to say about it" anthem of my life. She's so beautiful as it is, and having her admit in such an intimate way that she loves herself, even in those times where she doesn't shave her legs, brush her hair, or wear fancy clothes, is extremely powerful to me, and she is such a body peace inspiration of mine.  You are all queens in your own right!

March 11th: The End of an Era,

Almost two years ago, three days after my 19th birthday, I remember waking up, going to the old silo building on Zuck Road, and getting these little metal death traps called braces cemented in my mouth.  After two and a half hours of failed attempts to install my expander and headgear, thinking up a last-minute plan to avoid jaw surgery, and countless other unfortunate events, I was left in the review room with a "How to Take Care of Your New Braces" video and thirteen teddy bears on the wall.  And I cried.  Why?  Because I knew, as a nineteen year old woman, I was now an outcast. I felt ugly, and my teeth were even more of an eyesore.

Throughout this process, though, as my teeth were shifting, I was shifting too.  In this two years, I've definitely changed a lot. And it's kind of freaky to think about.  Sure, I've physically changed, gaining decent amount of weight and not the most beautiful skin, but there's been a bigger change internally.  My braces used to hold me back from so many things. People, events, spontaneous outings... I was scared of it all. It's kind of funny to think that at this moment last year or even two years ago, I was afraid. I'm still scared of some social situations, but not as much as I was before. I've become a more confident, outgoing, and overall happier version of the person I previously was. And I'm loving every second of it.

So tomorrow, when I go the old silo building on Zuck Road for my second to last appointment and get these little miracle workers off my teeth, get them all polished and clean, and throw a retainer in that'll give me a lisp for a few days, I know I'll cry. Not just because I'll be in pain or because I'll have beautiful teeth.  But because I'm ending an era of my life. This Tuesday is the close of a chapter in my life that I've been so grateful to have, though a little painful. I can't even express how grateful I am for this part of my life. It's been real, it hasn't been too fun, but it's something I'll always carry with me.

These past two years have been amazing; I can't imagine what this next journey will be!  Here's to a new chapter in my life, full of self-confidence and loving myself and everyone around me!

On Lifestyle Changes and Lasting Longer Than 7 Days,

For those of you that know me personally, you know that I'm one of those people that quits easily and very fast.  If I mess up on a dance routine or a song I'm trying to play on my keyboard, I don't feel guilty throwing my keyboard back in the closet or hanging up my dancing shoes.  It's always been how I am, and I really don't know why.  But this time, things are different.

As of Saturday, I can proudly say that I have been living a cleaner, healthier lifestyle for 30 days, something I've never been able to say before.  It's kind of nuts to think about, actually.  And sure, I've slipped up a few times (cuz I know my mom is gonna see this and say, "CARLY YOU ATE MY LINDOR TRUFFLES YOU LIE" and I do confess to eating Chinese once), but for the most part, I've been testing out a Paleo-based diet with a bit of chicken and seafood for protein, naan for a little bit of carbs, a little bit of cheese and almond milk for my dairy, and a half-gallon jug of water a day.  I can happily say that I've never felt better.  Sure, I don't look any different and I feel hungry all the time, but those things will change over time.  And last night, while I was trying to find myself some zucchini and spinach at Wal-Mart, I thought that I could share how I'm doing as well as I am to people who may not be doing so well or are easy quitters, like myself.

I know I'm not a doctor, personal trainer, nutritionist, psychologist, or any other profession that has to do with health or how the mind works.  I'm just a girl that works at Target.  But these are just things that have been working really well for me, and maybe they'll work for you too.

So here they are and the answers to my so-called 'success':  how am I going longer than seven days of clean eating and not quitting yet?  And honestly, it's pretty simple.  It's based on these six things:

1. Having my own money and no restrictions on what I can/can't buy.  Pretty simple concept.  I'm working.  I have my own money.  And I work in a store where they now sell all kinds of good things for me.  So, instead of my parents getting mad that I need a $5 bottle of flax seed oil, a half gallon water bottle, and a pair of yoga pants and spending their money, I'm able to get these things and not feel guilty asking anyone for help.
2. Experimenting.  I'm not a huge fan of vegetables.  The only vegetables I used to enjoy were potato chips and fried zucchini and eggplant.  What a food palette, huh?  But, when you're living a healthier life, you have to break out of your normal habits and start trying new things.  Don't start crazy with vegetables you don't like! That's a no-no!  I started with zucchini for three reasons: I really liked fried zucchini, my grandma used to make me zucchini at her house every summer, and I thought it'd be a real great start in my vegetable adventures.  Now, I can seriously say that I know how to make pizza and chips out of zucchini, and they're absolutely fantastic, plus a lot of other things!  And yes, I've already experimented with other veggies too:  broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, tomatoes (shut up I know they're fruit, I still hate them)... and my next experiment?  Spinach.  By golly, pray for me.
3. Pinterest.  Holy crap, can I just get married to Pinterest?  I mean, even I have a secret board of some things I'd want in my wedding, and I've been single since the serpent convinced Adam and Eve to eat the apple off the Tree of Good and Evil.  No matter what you think of Pinterest, type in the words 'healthy recipes' and thousands of delicious meals are on your computer screen or phone, ready to be pinned, read, and tried in your own kitchen.  And that is what I love about it! I don't think of those colorful, delicious recipes by myself... I'm not that smart! Thank you, guy/girl who invented Pinterest. You're my hero.  If you want to find me on Pinterest and follow me, go to http://pinterest.com/WizCarlyfuh.  I'd love for you to join my pinning adventures!
4. Accountability.  This concept is something I've really never had before.  And I know my mom is gonna read this, so I know she's gonna be like, "Excuse me Carly, I was your accountability partner." But do you know how easy it is to skip a workout or eat all the rigatoni in the fridge or buy a couple bags of chips and sneak them all into your room when your accountability partner is at work and not checking up on you?  Well, I'll tell you:  it's so easy that I gained as much weight as a 3-year-old child in one year, along with my various health issues.  And to give you a perspective, an average 3-year-old child weighs at least 40-50 pounds.  You're welcome for the visual.  But back on track now... this year, a group of friends and I are starting a focus group, with workouts, snacks, and a study.  And the best part?  Each of us has an accountability partner.  And we're all each other's accountability partners.  That's absolutely crazy! So I went from having 0 accountability partners to like... 20. Pretty nuts!
5. Taking it slow.  I've been one of those people that makes it their new year's resolution to get thinner.  Every damn year.  And every time, I start way too fast.  I work out for an hour on the Wii.  I take carrots to work.  I try to eat yogurt, even though I hate yogurt.  And because I did things so quickly, my body just didn't have time to get used to the dramatic change.  So it makes me become less motivated... very quickly.  I take a day off after day 5 and all that work I put into myself the past four days becomes a waste of time.  Yoga Lady on Wii complains the next time I go on that she hasn't worked out with me in four months.  The carrots are thrown away and the yogurt forms a moldy film.  Take things slow!  I started out with healthy eating, and have gradually starting putting workouts in my daily routine.  Maybe that'll work for you too!
6. Noting every victory.  Speaking of the focus group, we got these notebooks at the focus group.  We were never given any direction as to what we were supposed to do with them, so I did something on my own:  every day, I try to write at least one healthy thing I did for myself.

       
Whether it's making a healthy meal, packing food for work, taking the long way to get something... anything we may see as small is still considered a victory! When we get into that mindset, it's so much easier to do and conquer new things, because even trying turns into a victory in itself!

But yes, friends.  This is really all that it took for me to start living a better life.  Sure, it's hard.  It's hard to sit in a restaurant with my friends and not be able to order any food there.  It's hard to have waiters look at you funny while you ask for a straw for your 'special snack smoothie'.  It's hard to sit in my own house sometimes and just know that there's 40 (literally) bags of Twizzlers, little Moon Pies, and chocolates in the cabinets of my stepfather's bar.  It's hard after eating to not have more, since I still feel hungry and have to slowly train my stomach and brain about proper portions and limit oily foods.  This entire thing, as someone who suffers from a binge eating disorder, is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  But throughout these trials comes good things.  Learning new things.  Gaining friends and accountability.  Substitutions I never knew I could do (I bet you didn't know that you could make ice cream out of peanut butter and frozen bananas, or that you can substitute your fried buffalo chicken wings with baked buffalo cauliflower!).  And you know, though it's tough right now, at this very moment, I'm willing to stick it out for another month.  Binge eating and PCOS has beaten me before, but this time, I'm not going out without a fight!

I'm Scared,

I'm not here to entertain or enlighten anyone like I usually try and do.  I honestly don't have the capacity to do that at the moment.  I'm here as one human being, connecting and communicating to you because I am not happy.  I'm not happy with myself and I guess I just need to communicate about it.

I feel like I've never been the best version of myself.  I say I'm going to try and get into school, but I remember that the government doesn't like to accept my FAFSA forms, so I get lazy and stop trying, let alone caring.  I say that I'm going to register to a gym or finish my driving lessons, but I realize that I don't have enough money for either and I quit.  When it comes to my graphic design stuff, I haven't been doing as many as I used to, which is pretty unacceptable to me seeing as I've done it before, but I also realize that there are way better artists than me.  Hell, I even started directing the people that have asked me to do graphics to the people I know are better than me.  Plus, I don't think that the stuff I've been creating recently has been as good as it used to be, and it just makes me, well... disappointed and frustrated.  So I do the thing I'm most talented at:  I quit.  I throw in the towel and call it a day.  I'm trying so hard to be the person I want to be, but every time I pull up a blank file or start up a university website or attempt to find a decently delicious recipe for this weight-loss plan I keep trying to do, I get absolutely terrified to create or even try.  Like, genuinely scared.

And the thing I'm scared of?  Honestly, it's you.  The person I'm talking to at this moment.  I've learned in this short lifespan that I've experienced that people do a lot of things to impress people; to get people to like them.  I remember having a conversation with one of my bosses and he was telling me that he was learning this particular song on the guitar for this girl he was interested in.  I had asked him if he liked playing guitar, and all he could reply with was, "Not really, but girls like guitars."  So, was he trying to tell me the only reason he was inspired to pick up a guitar was because he wanted a particular girl to have an interest for him?

And I think that's why a lot of us do anything in this life.  Whether we learn a new sport or instrument, pick up a new hobby, dress differently, change our interests... we spend our lives obsessing over whether people will like us.  When I was in high school, as a young kid being picked on for no particular reason, all I wanted in life was for people to like me.  But once I got out of high school and was introduced to the people I have now, I had surrounded myself with so many people that actually did like me (or so I hope), more people than I had ever imagined and my confidence had boosted to highs that I've never experienced before.  But over the course of a few months, with diagnoses up the wazoo, an excessive amount of weight coming from God knows where, friends slowing dwindling away, losing inspiration towards things, and countless other factors, my confidence has shriveled down to practically nothing.  And what holds me back sometimes is when I try to do something, I'm afraid that people won't like what I'm doing, which will in turn make them not like me.  And so I run away from the situation, which is another one of my many useless talents in life, and pretend that that particular thing was never on my mind to even try.

I know it's weird.  I know that you're probably thinking, "Carly!  Do what you want!  You shouldn't care what other people think and be the person you want to be instead!" but I can't help but care about what other people think of me.  Worrying about what you think about me has been my entire life.

Even though my social anxiety is getting better, I still get worried about what other people think of me every single day, and it's a struggle.  What do my friends think of me?  What kinds of conversations do they have about me when I'm not around?  What are things that are flawed about me that they've seemed to notice, but wouldn't dare say to my face?  Why do they pick other people for things over me?  And another one:  do they even talk about me at all?  Do they even care about me enough to discuss the mere topic about me?  Yes, guys... this is just a portion of how this brain of mine works.  I know I appear to be a happy, energetic person, but no one really understands that while I'm laughing and trying to put on a smile, I'm fighting this internal battle every time I look at someone.  Even when I am genuinely happy, I feel like I'm putting on a show for people so that they will someday like me.  So that I'm worthy of friendship, a date, a new job... anything that'll get me connected with people I'm certain like me.

My hope is that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that everyone just secretly feels this way, in one way or another.  But honestly, I don't know that for sure.  And if there is a solution, other than trying to not care as much about what other people think, I honestly don't know how to even do that.

All I've ever wanted to do with my life is make and do things that make me and other people happy, and I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my limited time on this planet.  But I guess I just have to hope that I have the capacity to even take the first step and begin striving to be the person I want to be, because I honestly don't know.  I'm generally unsure, and that scares me a lot.

Doing Things for Yourself (aka What I Learned in High School),

Whether you had a great or miserable experience, I bet everyone remembers their high school experience.  I remember being a young, stupid girl in high school.  I was insecure with myself, hardly had any friends until senior year, and practically liked half of my graduating class.  But didn't every girl find the cute boy in health class or the guy that helps push you in a wheelchair for a few days easily crushable at 16?!

But I also remember the segregation I felt.  The bullies.  The comments girls and guys alike made about me.  My teeth were funny.  My hair wasn't dyed right.  I wasn't smart enough to hang out with the AP kids, nor was I dumb enough to hang out with the basic level kids.  My music taste totally wasn't cool enough to hang out with the cool girls.  I wore sweatpants to school one time and three girls called me lazy and poor because of it.  I was too fat for softball or basketball... or any sport, for that matter.  I remember asking a guy to junior prom and he laughed at me in front of everyone.  I just wasn't enough for most of the kids in school.

I just remember wanting to change for everyone, making them like me.  I changed my wardrobe.  I dyed my platinum blonde hair back to my natural hair color and cut most of my hair off in one sitting.  I changed the shows I watched and threw away my Evanescence, MCR, and 90's playlists to exchange them for the likes of Lil Wayne and Wiz Khalifa (which is, to this day, one of the biggest things I regret doing).  I took classes I really couldn't handle and tried to apply to as many clubs as I could so that people could find me cool.  

And it actually worked.  I made new friends.  I was involved in school and people knew my name.  Girls started to compliment on my outfits and I even had a boyfriend for a short time.  I played football... and people thought that I was decent.  I injured my knee a week before graduation and so many people gathered around me to motivate me to walk at graduation.  I felt like a star.

And then we graduated.  My graduation party had come around and no one from my graduating class showed up... except one.  I remember getting screamed at by my stepdad, asking why we made a big deal out of my graduation if none of my friends were even going to show up.  And that's when I realized something about high school:

High school is supposed to be used as a tool to learn things about what you may experience outside of your sacred fortress, not be a battle of the social climb.  These 100, 200, 300... hell, 1,000 people you will be walking with at graduation probably won't be in your life after you graduate.  Why spend thirteen years climbing for social attention when all your work is going to render useless in reality?

I graduated with 183 kids.  Out of 183 kids, I talk to two.  One of them I work with, and the other has been my best friend since middle school.  People grow up and grow apart... it's a way of life.  And that's okay!  There's nothing wrong with it.  However, what is wrong is when kids focus their life on climbing the social ladder and impressing everyone.

I dealt with it for years.  Almost a year after high school, I saved a ton of money and I got my braces thrown in.  Sure, I won't see 99% of my graduating class until 2016, but when I made the appointment, I remember telling myself that this was going to show all the kids that picked on me for all those years that I was actually a pretty girl that could do cool things and that they missed out.  Even then, I was still doing things for other people and never seeing the most important person I should be impressing... and that's myself.  It's important to remember that people come and go.  Others are more than comfortable with walking away from each other, but at the end of the day, can you walk away from yourself?

So today, I bought my first pair of sweatpants in five years (they've got pockets!), put on my glasses, threw my hair in a bun, and wiped off my makeup.  I'm lounging in my bed, listening to a John Mayer album and planning a day to build a blanket fort so I can read in it.  I'm on Pinterest as I write this looking for healthy recipes so I can start properly losing weight.  And tomorrow, I'm gonna cook a lot.  Because I don't care.  I'll go ahead and take a picture of my chicken stir fry and no one will complain.  And besides, if they do, they're just jealous that they can't have my delicious stir fry in the first place.

The people who matter won't mind silly, minute things about you... like wearing a pair of sweatpants, gaining a few pounds, or the kind of music on your iPod.  Those who mind won't matter.  Surround yourself with people who genuinely like you and do cool stuff with them.  It's more beneficial to your life than surrounding yourself with people that make you force yourself to change who you are, even after you'll never see them.

At the end of the day, I sometimes regret changing myself for these people.  My hair, my clothes, even my braces sometimes.  But because of them, I've become a stronger and better person.  I remember a girl asking me what I would change if I could go back... change the fact that I was bullied; change people's minds so they would come to my graduation party?  Getting my braces?  And I told her no.  I wouldn't change a thing.  All these experiences have made me the person I am, which I find myself to be a very caring person who's always open for conversation and laughter.  I wouldn't be Carly Miller without the things I experienced in high school.  So to all the girls who bullied me, the guys who turned me down because of my buck teeth, that girl who hid my clothes in the locker room, the boys that called me fat every day junior year, and countless others... thank you.  Because of you, I'm showing the best person I've ever been to the best people I've ever surrounded myself with.  And I'm totally okay with that.

On Body Image and (Attempting) Positive Thinking,

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” ~Steve Mariboli

Out of everyone that has ever said a critical thing about my body, I can say that I am the most critical person in the world about it.  We are told to love the creation the Lord has made, but every day, I watch my body tear at the skin, falling apart and slowly be destroyed by the illnesses I am battling.

82 may be a number that doesn't mean anything to anyone, but 82 is the number that looms over my head every day. 82 is the number of stretch marks I can count on my body right now, as I sit here and type this out... and that number continues to grow.  82 stretch marks have formed on my body in the past four years, as my belly enlarges and my cheeks fill out.  82 stretch marks have grown as I stuffed my face with the comfort foods I thought would make me feel content with my diagnosis, but ended up destroying me more than I thought and forming another addiction.

I know this body isn't the most beautiful.  I look at it every day and cry as I wonder why I had to have the disease I have.  My legs are short and stubby, my thighs and calf muscles getting larger by the day.  My belly is protruding outward as I pollute it with the things I know aren't good for me, but I convince myself that just one more cookie will make me happy.  One more french fry will satisfy my sadness.  One more piece will be okay.  Just one more.  My face is filling in with the fat that won't fit on my body.  My hair is falling out.  My boobs are gross and discolored underneath by my Stein-Leventhal.  My butt is just this flabby thing and it's not even cute.  I just find my entire body to be this gross sack of disgusting that I happen to have to carry around for the rest of my life.

I feel like society has made me turn my body into this petri dish under a microscope, where I sit and examine every single crack and crevasse that seems abnormal to the 'average' person.  But is the average person really the thing we should be striving for?  We see the 'average woman' as something in a magazine:  tall, long, thick hair, thin, perfect curves, flawless skin, and not a blemish on her.  These were women I would cut out of various magazines and tape onto my mirror and bedroom walls in high school, striving to have my hair like them, my makeup like theirs, be thin and beautiful just like them.  I was already letting media corrupt my brain and make me think that these women were the body image I should be striving for:  something unhealthy and unreal.

It's one of the hardest things I do in my day, but I have to convince myself every day that I am a beautiful creation.  Whether I write it over and over again in a notebook until I go insane or I write something on the back of my hand so I always see it, I have to convince myself that I am truly beautiful.  Not because of a magazine, or a boy, or anything but because I want to.  I want to be able to look at myself and, even when I am unable to lose this weight or when I'm holding a pile of my hair in my hand, say that I am a beautiful person.   My discolored skin patches and scars and uncontrollable weight and stretch marks aren't going to change that.  What does change it is your state of mind.

When we immerse ourselves in positive thinking, we outwardly express positive words.  It's seriously the hardest thing to do, though, when we live in a society full of pessimism, anger, and sadness.  I have to wake up every morning, stare in the mirror for a few minutes, and find one thing about myself that I like.  And it always has to be different.  I can't say that I like my hair two days in a row; that'd be cheating.  Besides, if I only focus on one thing that I like, I'm going to miss tons of other things I could grow to love!  I sit and read the small pieces of paper I've taped onto my vanity over and over, like a first-grader trying to memorize simple vocabulary.

"You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you." ~Song of Solomon 4:7

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it too well." ~Psalms 139:14

"I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys." ~Song of Solomon 12:1

I'll write it on my hands and in notebooks when I'm feeling down at work or hanging out with friends, or when those feelings and life in general just catches up on me.  When I get that bad diagnosis and all I wanna do is build a blanket fort and eat a bag of chicken nuggets in it.  When I feel like I can't get out of bed or when big crowds just aren't my thing.  When I feel alone or when I feel worthless.  When I slip up and don't know how to explain.

I am courageous.  I am strong.  I am brave.  I am beautiful.  I am human.

And though it may look stupid, at the end of the day, when I'm all alone in my room, just me and my thoughts... what comes up sometimes are these verses and sayings I force myself to recite every day.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made... there is no flaw in me... I am courageous... I am a rose of Sharon... I am beautiful...

I've had to learn that we have to literally train our minds to think something different than what we've learned to think for so long.  Trust me, it's hard.  I have many days where I sit and think of how gross my belly is, or how no one will ever love me because of my size.  Thinking positively about yourself is one of the hardest battles you will involve yourself with in your entire lifetime on this Earth, but when you are able to speak life over yourself instead of death, I can tell you those days are worth it.