February 2, 2014 4:52 pm,

If you have never been on my blog before, this email is a response to this blog post I wrote over a year ago. This email is not edited; every word you see is the original text. I'm posting this more for me than anything. This isn't going to be posted around or advertised. If you stumble upon this, congratulations. And if you are "Timothy Kreider", I hope to hear from you soon.

Until next time, Carly

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Dear Carly,

I'm sure receiving this will be as strange for you as it is for me to write it. I've blogged occasionally and it always strikes me as strange when a stranger responds to something I've written out of the blue, and I suddenly realize yes, what I wrote is open to the entire internet. So on that note, let me just say: Im not a stalker, or even a stranger technically. Yes I'm using a fake name and email address, but i think what i have to say is more important than who is saying it. I do this sometimes, I see someone who I want to talk to but whether its my natural shyness, my worry about how they will perceive my words due to who I am, or just my love of mystery and pretending to be mysterious, I choose to respond anonymously. The anonymity of the internet can be dangerous and misused sometimes...but I'd like to believe that when something important needs to be said, sometimes an anonymous author can say it better than anyone. And honestly, the main reason I'm writing right now is to say thank you.

The internet can promote a false sense of intimacy. You can hide behind photoshopped photos or a clever screen name. You can tweak little bits about yourself without anyone ever knowing. You can pick and choose your words carefully, delete something you didn't want to say, and use google to expand your word pallet. The point I think I'm getting is sometimes its just a little to easy to lie to the world wide web. So I'd like to thank you for your honesty in your last post. Its hard to open up in person, harder to put yourself out there for EVERYONE. And I'm sure your Facebook and phone will be blowing up with encouragement from those who love and care about you once people see what you have written. And you should listen to that love and encouragement, because I find many of us take it for granted.

However, I know that sometimes thats not enough. I want to answer one of your questions-no. You are not the only one that feels the way you do. I think everyone does as you do, puts on a mask, hides the truth, puts on a show. Heck, if you asked any of my friends, they would describe me as a person with the utmost confidence, yet here I am, hiding behind a false name.

And I don't know why that is, why I'm more comfortable attempting to encourage people as Timothy Kreider than I would be as me. Its stupid. Its illogical. And as someone who holds logic in the highest of regards when it comes to decision making, it doesn't fit into my personality.

I apologize for my rambling. I started this email with the intention of sharing a little and giving my best attempt at anonymous encouragement. But I find when I'm not pretending to be me, its easier to be myself. And the real me, the myself me, is scared too. I'm scared of me. I'm scared to sit still and think for too long because I'm afraid I'll get apathetic. I keep myself unhealthily busy because I'd rather be stressed then have five minutes alone with myself. And I tell you this not to invoke your sympathy but to re-assure you that you are NOT alone. All of us at our age in our life go through this journey of uncertainty, and some of us are just better at coping with it than others. But listen to me, I know its weird getting this from me (mainly cause you don't know who "me" is..) but I PROMISE you Carly...you are not alone.

And I also want to tell you something...you don't have to be scared. I know this. I mean, I still get scared, but I know I don't have to be. Fear is nothing but a warning mechanism and it should NEVER control you. That guy you list in your blog description as your BFF? He's bigger than fear. He's bigger than anxiety. And he's got great stuff in store for you, I know that for a fact.

Not to say its gonna be easy, or that being BFFs with Jesus solves everything, it doesn't. Not even close. But things happen in weird ways. For example, I just happened to sit down at my computer before heading to work, and on a whim, clicked your blog from my Facebook news feed. And the second I finished your latest post, I knew I had to say something. Even if it was weird. Even if its random. Even if you deleted this and thought I was a creeper. Even if those goes to your spam folder and you never see it. I just had to say something...had to tell you that I get it. You are not alone. You are not the only one who's scared.

And you WILL beat this. I don't know how, or when, or what it will take, but this fear will not win. And again, even though I say this as an anonymous stranger I still have to say it: You don't need to be afraid of me. I'm the kind of person who attempts to love people the way your bff says to; unconditionally. And there are plenty out there like me, people who will not judge you.

Anyways, I apologize for the umpteenth time if this is really weird...you don't have to reply or anything. I do find it likely that this will hit your spam folder anyways. I just felt compelled to write for the first time in a while...so I did.


And please, keep writing. You've got a good thing going with this blog, keep it up smile emoticon

with the utmost sincerity,
Me.

When Life Throws a Curveball,

"I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down."

Earlier today, one of my Facebook friends posted this particular Vine and captioned it 'my life'. If you don't want to click the link and waste six seconds of your life, I'll just tell you this way: a little girl falls off a swing. As she's getting up, the swing comes back and hits her right in the face.

I won't say that that's how my life has been, but I will say that I believe that that's how a curveball feels.

Warning: I'm gonna be pretty transparent today, so if that's not your style, I'd advise you to just click away and go on with your life. I promise I won't be offended.

Don't get me wrong, 2015 has been an amazing year. I've actually had one of the best years of my entire life, and that's something I haven't been able to say for a while. But having an amazing year doesn't mask the difficult few months I've experienced. Friends I've had for years have picked up and moved away, I'm having some medical hurdles that I'm still dealing with today, recurring anxiety at an all time high... it really hasn't been a period I'd put in the history books.  But this has been my curveball: my unexpected, surprising, and disruptive chain of events that makes it seems like I'm stopped in my tracks and chained to concrete.  

For all the good and beautiful things I have in my life, there's also so much sadness.  I've been rejected, told 'no', and received not-so-stellar news so many times this year that it's started to feed the self-doubt and anxiety in the innermost parts of my being that I thought were gone and locked away.  It's made me think... are my friends truly my friends? Do I know who I am? Am I doing the right thing?  

And so, not purposely, I feel myself fading into the walls; my volume has been muted and my presence has become blended into the world. That's not how I should be. If I could compare my personality to anything, it'd be that amazing 64 pack of crayons everyone in your elementary classes were jealous of.  Recently, though, I'm just the gray one. Maybe the blue ones, but mostly the gray one.  I'm ready to be more than gray, though.  I'm slowly painting myself a different array of colors. I prefer that life, anyways.

Sometimes, when we hear things we really don't want to hear, it's not the worst thing in the entire world.  Sure, on top of the other medical conundrums I have to deal with on a daily basis, having a little bit of a memory problem is real scary at 22, but I'm working harder and harder each day to learn why this is happening to me; once I find out, I'm gonna tackle this like I do every problem: prayer, community, and a can of whoopin's.  But first, I can't let all these things consume my entire being.

And about those darn "no's" we hate to hear:  a part of me really likes them.  I definitely get discouraged hearing them, but it helps me strive to get closer to the end goal: one yes.  Pouring your whole heart into something to finally get that yes is the greatest feeling. All those "no's" won't know what they're missing out on.

There was this quote I saw once about curveballs that went like this:  "When life throws a curveball at you, they're not meant to be dodged.  They are meant to hit you, to mold and shape you to become the person you are meant to be.  Enjoy the impact, smile, and move on"  I, personally, don't want balls hitting me and beating me down... that'd just be degrading to myself.  So I'll leave you with this:

When life throws a curveball, swing.  Swing that sucker out of the park.  Show it who's boss and who's got your back.  At the end of the day, a curveball is just a curveball.  There's nothing to be scared of.  Have faith and swing.