3650: A Retrospect,

In a few days, it will be ten years since his last living day.

Ten years. That’s one hundred and twenty months. Five hundred and twenty weeks. Three thousand, six hundred and fifty days.

Most years after the first anniversary felt like any normal day. Sure, there was a slight isolating somberness in the air… but as the years go by and the birthdays and anniversaries come up, it becomes second nature. They are sad days, and it’s okay to call them what they are: sad.  But I don’t know if it’s quarantine getting to me, the significance the number 10 has, or some other thing I can't put my finger on… this upcoming anniversary has rocked me more than it has in a while.

 

Recently, someone sent me a link of football highlights from 2009... Shane’s senior year. My former classmate told me there was a chance I could find a clip or two where he was playing. After combing through the videos for about an hour, I found him jumping around and hyping the team, just like he always did. It was only about five seconds of footage, but I couldn't miss that #52 anywhere. But the date of the game and who they played against popped up and the question trickled into my head: Was I at that game? I don’t remember that game.

 

And then it hit me like a freight train: there are so many things I took for granted that I don’t remember anymore... and there are many things I'll never get the answer to.

 

I don’t remember how tall he was or what color his eyes were. I don’t remember his voice or what his laugh sounded like. The way his nose wrinkled when he sneezed. How much larger his hands were compared to mine. His favorite jokes or songs. The stories he always told. All the things I loved about him are now distant memories that are falling through my fingertips with each passing day, and no matter how hard I try to contain these things, they always fall away in time.

I don't know what kind of things he would've liked if he were here now. Who his friends would be, if he'd have a family, what job he'd have. If he'd still like the Cowboys, still rave about Jarhead, if he'd make fun of me for watching Dunkirk solely for Harry Styles. I wonder what he'd be like. I wonder if we'd still be friends.

I'll never know. He is frozen in time, forever an 18-year-old boy while I am here... still growing, still learning, letting time guide me until it stops for me, too.

All I have left are a few mementos hidden away in a boot box under my bed. One sweatshirt. A few photos. Two birthday cards. The necklaces we made together. The tag to a Dallas Cowboys hat I bought him for Christmas. And stories. Tons and tons of very specific stories that, though the details can be fuzzy at times, I hold near and dear to my heart and still talk about when given the chance.

Like the time he secretly rewrote an entire church skit so he could be called Bully Frog instead of Bully Bob, only because he thought it was funny.

Or the time we snuck out of a volunteer event to go eat free pie at a demolition derby.

Or the time I got dumped days before prom and he offered to ditch his prom date and go with me instead (I said no).

Or even the time he found out I was assigned defensive center for our girl's football team and he, also a defensive center, spent two months talking to me about football tips every second he could. I wouldn't have taken down those senior offensive linemen so gracefully if it weren't for him.

Though I feel insane holding onto these things sometimes, it's all I have left. No one in my present life had the opportunity to meet him. To get to know him. To experience him the way I did. So in a small way, I feel like I need to  so that people know that at one point, this person was alive. He existed. He was my person. I mean, sure... parts of our lives come to an end all the time. Graduating school, leaving your first job, ending a relationship, moving to a new city. These versions of life always end... and the only way they live on is through our memories and stories of times before. No matter how much I deny it or push it away, he will always be a part of me. I only want others to love him and know him at the fraction that I did.

2020... this ten year anniversary, and the year in general, has reminded me that time is quick. It's merciless. There's no replay button, no rewind, no pause. It's nothing more than a continuous, unstoppable, forward force. But that is why, more than ever, it's so important to remember how precious life is. With each passing moment, your clock is ticking down, and whatever you do, you're giving yourself up to some of it. I, by writing this and sharing some rambling thoughts, am giving a part of myself to you. You, reading this, are giving a part of yourself to me... and in a way, you're sharing it with him, too. So thank you... whoever and wherever you are in this present moment.

I know that most of this has basically been a long ramble, but I'll do my best to tie this up and give it as much of a sweet ending as possible. Today, I am okay. Seventeen year old me would probably be shocked at how well I'm doing. But that's the thing about underestimating yourself: most times, you can prove yourself wrong, whether you see it in the moment or not. There is no walkthrough guide for this stuff. Healing takes time. Growth takes time. Do both at your own pace. And if you feel stagnant, if one day you feel the flood waters of sadness and grief have overtaken you, reach your hand out. I promise you... someone will be there to pull you out.

I'll be taking the actual anniversary day to keep myself busy the way I do every year. Make an Eggo waffle breakfast, play some Pokemon games, take a drive to the cemetery if it isn't snowing too hard, and hang up our Christmas ornament. Sure, it's always a sad day... but as is with time, no matter how slow the day feels, tomorrow always comes. A new day begins, which brings a new chance to keep moving forward, just like we always do, whether we realize it or not.

I am so incredibly lucky that I got to spend the time I did with Shane. I'm thankful that I knew the person I did, and nothing will ever change that fact. And though he may not be here, I would not be the person I am today without him.

He'll always be my shining star... it just looks a little different now. And that is very much okay.

___________________________________

If you or someone you love is struggling this season, please talk to someone. Whether it be a family member, friend, teacher, counselor, doctor, or another adult that you trust, there is always help. There is always hope that things will get better. I promise you they do.

Feel free to click here to find various call centers, recovery steps, and encouragement if needed. Help is ready when you are.

regarding existential crisis,

Recently, I have been no stranger to the concept of an existential crisis. Things have been very difficult for me in the past month or so and in most cases, I kind of don't know why.

So when I was scrolling through Twitter and found a video claiming to give various people an existential crisis, all I could say to myself was, Oh, we'll see about that.

Boy, was I not ready.

I know that they didn't exactly beckon for responses, but after reading the questions and hearing the conversation surrounding them, it really sparked some inspiration in writing again, something I haven't really been able to feel in a few months. So hey, here's my unsolicited, unnecessary response to said video.

If you have an hour to watch or even just listen, I highly recommend watching James Allen McCune's video and hearing all the various perspectives on these topics. He was able to grab some great perspectives and creators to share their views on these questions, including the Sugar Pine 7 guys, Gus and Sven Johnson, and even Mike Falzone. Go subscribe to him, follow his socials (I'll have them listed at the end), and send all the support you're able to his way.

And hey, Jamie. If you've actually stumbled upon this and are taking the time to read this whole thing, thanks for stopping by to check out my rambling. I can only assume you already know my usual sentiments but I appreciate you and am proud of everything you're doing.

Okay, to the questions!

- - - - - - - - - -

1.  Career-wise, when you were 18, did you know what you wanted to do and what steps you needed to take to accomplish your goals?

Short answer? Absolutely not.

Long answer? As a young 18-year-old kid, I made a lot of emotionally-fueled decisions regarding furthering my education: I was interested in criminal justice because of my cousin's murder, psychology because of Shane's suicide, English education because I loved writing and it was my childhood dream that I wanted to fulfill for my dad. But deep down, none of those decisions felt like they were the path I was supposed to be on. Any time I'd think of college, I'd get anxious, scared that I made the wrong choice, and that I would be a complete failure. I was my worst enemy (and unfortunately, this has been a constant internal struggle for a long time).

When applying for colleges, I only chose a major because I promised my mom I wouldn't apply as undeclared. Since the school I applied for was a massive education school, I didn't take a single psychology class in high school, and had a semester of criminal justice under my belt, I chose to go for the last option and surprisingly was accepted! However, the week before I was supposed to move into my dorm and meet my suite mates for the first time, the financial office notified me of my aid being rejected. Deleted. Gone. So, would I pay the $30,000 or drop out? I obviously chose the latter, completely devastated and suddenly back to feeling lost again. I had planned everything out and trusted the path I thought was laid out for me, but that phone call turned my path into a solid brick wall, forcing me to turn around and explore a different one. Years would pass and it wouldn't have been the last time I'd have to turn back and explore something else.

Right now, I'm a 26-year-old office coordinator almost nine months into a start up drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, a career path I never envisioned for myself. And you know, I'm completely okay with it. I've learned to value opportunities to learn and venture into something new, and that's the beauty of exploring unforeseen paths.

2.  Did you always have the support of your family and friends?

I always felt I had something to prove to my family; I had a very high standard placed on me beginning at a very young age, and to an extent, I feel I still do to this day. However, even if they didn't understand some of my choices or aspirations and hobbies, they still wanted me to be happy. Sometimes, their misunderstanding came off as being degrading or hurtful, but looking back on things, I know they were just trying to look out for my best interest and well being.

My friends were (and still are) pretty great about things that I'm passionate about, except when I tell them something extremely outlandish or off-the-wall. They bring me back to Earth when I need it most.

3.  What was the biggest risk that you've taken in your career in order to get where you are now?

Up until January 2019, I was heading into my fifth year working with Starbucks. I really did love it... I loved my interactions with customers (they were basically family to me), the artistry I got to display in my drinks, the friendships I made with my coworkers, being a part of the competitive circuit, those discounts and all that free stuff. However, there wasn't a lot of opportunity for me to truly display and enhance my leadership skills. I thought I was going to do a lot more with the company than I ended up doing (which in hindsight was a hell of a lot more than I really give myself credit for), but alas, brick walls started forming and signs that my time with the Siren was ending were becoming imminent.

I had heard about the start up from a family member and, not exactly taking it very seriously at first, submitted my resume to the Executive Director. Though I had absolutely zero educational qualifications and a small portfolio displaying my experience and work ethic, she had enough faith in my abilities to offer me the position after my first interview. The day after I accepted the position with Snug Harbor, I turned in my notice to Starbucks, something that was always constant and comfortable in my life. 

Leaving an established, multi-billion dollar company with the experience and reputation that I had for an unknown start up with nothing but mystery and hidden obstacles surrounding it was one of the most radical decisions I've ever made. When I came onto the team, there were only three other people. There was no estimation as to when we'd take clients. There was no training program. I came into a bare bones skeleton of the business that has been built and molded right before my eyes with only a promise of being part of something extraordinary; January 7, 2019 was the day my feet hit the ground running, and I haven't looked back since.

It's been extremely hard work. I doubt my abilities to do my job almost every day. But I can truly say that I can look at everything I've had a hand in so far, find my fingerprints, my heart, and my hard work in it and say, Damn, I did that. And man, to be frank... it feels really fucking good.

4.  What struggles or obstacles did you face while trying to get where you are now?

Sharing Jamie's sentiment regarding this question, my biggest struggle has been and probably always will be my own self. Whether it be because of high familial standards and inheriting them as my own, insecurities I've built over the years, trauma that's stuck with me, or underlying things I don't even know about yet... I am my own worst critic. I am my own worst enemy.

Anxiety has been something that's deeply affected me, starting when Shane passed away in 2010. I tend to question everyone and everything, my worst days being when all I have the energy to do is roll to the other side of the bed. Sure, I still have those days. It's something that affects my work, as well. Having no training program, I've had to teach myself everything from the intricacies of drug and alcohol programs to office etiquette, state and federal government policies, and ethics. 

I'm always worried that I'm not measuring up to where I want to be, but I always remind myself to give myself a little grace and lower my standards a bit. Because of recent events, I am in a state of questioning everything: who my friends are and who I like to surround myself around, feeling assured in my choices, navigating this overemotional state I am just kind of stuck in. I don't feel a lot of energy to do much of anything at the moment... make breakfast, call my mom, clean my face, you know... normal people things. But I, for one, take a moment to celebrate myself in the times I actually push through and do those things. Just because I have one bad day, it doesn't discount or overshadow the many good days before it.

This is something I'm trying to work on. In June, I decided to go back to therapy for the first time since high school. However, changing a mindset takes a lot of time and effort. Some days, I want to put in more, some days less. And then there are those days that I want to put absolutely nothing into it. It doesn't make me lazy or unmotivated. It's just all part of being human.

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm anticipating the day I am at least somewhere close to it.

5.  How would you define happiness?

This one is very hard for me to answer.

Personally, I feel at my happiest state when I'm surrounded by my supportive and caring community of people, have a grasp on some sort of stability, and accept myself for everything I can bring to the table, regardless of how much I can bring to it at that present moment.

And right now, that's all I can really say about it.

6.  Are you happy?

If I would've received this question a few months ago, I'd give you a big, fat, Stone Cold Steve Austin level Hell yeah!. Now? Not so much.

In all honesty, I am not happy right now. Actually, I'm in an extreme case of fragile emotion: I'm angry, depressed, lonely, anxious, easily irritable, self deprecating, sometimes paranoid about my life and the people I have in it. I've had my states of crisis and, on rare days, states of calm and moments of joy. However, joy is fleeting right now and is usually overridden by whatever negative feeling decides to expose itself. It's exhausting, and I definitely don't recommend it.

I tend to be someone that looks at the silver lining of any situation or person, so being in a position where I can't physically do that is very frustrating for me. At times, it feels extremely embarrassing. So for the few of you that have had to experience my random outbursts, just know I feel terrible and I do sincerely apologize.

I'm hoping to shake this off soon, though, and get back to seeing the brighter side of things again. Just please know that I'm trying.

7.  How would you define success?

The idea of success comes in a few steps: finding something to learn, failing at the thing, adapting and adjusting the process, and continuous improvement. Once you attain a skill that you love, finding stability in your talents and being able to utilize it is really the ultimate goal.

I also tend to find success in being happy with the work or hobbies I'm doing, envisioning stability in said work, and finding fulfillment in that work, as well.

There's a lot of facets to success; these are the concepts that most resonate with me, though.

8.  Would you say that you are successful?

Actually, yes.

When considering everything since starting at Snug Harbor, and please excuse me for talking myself up here, I've really been able to learn and accomplish a lot. I'm a huge supporter of continuous learning and improvement, and my job has been nothing but continuous learning and improvement, whether I'm learning from someone else or finding the information on my own. It's been a great experience to test my leadership skills, planning, problem solving, and increase my knowledge regarding the opioid epidemic, government policy, and professional connections.  Professionally, I wouldn't trade this for anything else right now. I'm not where I want to be, but I know it's on the horizon.

9.  What advice would you give to anybody attempting to achieve their goals in life?

• Sometimes, you will be the only one who believes in what you're about to do. Keep believing in yourself. Do the thing.
• People may not understand what your goals are or why you want to accomplish them. Don't let their misunderstanding convince you that your goals are irrelevant.
• Mistakes do not mean you suck. Keep trying. Keep failing. It feels so much better when you finally get it.
• If paths change and you're not pursuing what you originally thought you were, that's okay! Plans change. Life changes. It does not mean you are not worth giving yourself another chance.
• Don't do it alone. Find a mentor. Lean on some reliable, accountability partners. Ask for help.
• Never underestimate yourself. You are smarter, stronger, and more capable than you think you are. 

And if it means anything... whoever you are, wherever you are, I believe in you.

- - - - - - - - - -

To connect with James Allen McCune:

• Youtube- https://www.youtube.com/user/ScootyDoot
• Twitter and Instagram- @jallenmc

To connect with me, please do not send me messages on here! Instead, go to Twitter or Instagram @wizcarlyfuh. Please be patient if I don't answer as quickly as usual, but know my messages are always open.

Thanks for reading. Hope to see you all again soon.☺️

i'm living in a state of monotony,

Today is day 167 of 2019.

I woke up this morning as I've normally done the past six months or so. The same old routine, same excuses to skip breakfast... the same shoes and my same backpack and the same "good morning"s and "have a great day"s without missing a single beat. But once I got in my car to take my same old route to work, I had the realization that the year is basically halfway over already... and here I am doing the same old thing, letting it pass me by without batting an eye.

Ever since I can remember, having a steady 9-5 schedule has been the pinnacle mark of "making it" in the career world. It's seen as that stamp of approval for most people; you've got that and for most, it's a shallow indicator that you may be doing alright for yourself. Maybe that's all part of growing up. Going steady, settling down, and easing into a routine that's comfortable until retirement rolls around. But after doing it for about six months, I still don't know if that's what I want right now... or rather, what I really want from life at all.

About a week ago, I went on a spontaneous road trip with a friend of mine to a small village in Ohio. After hours of exploring, hearing his countless stories of adventure and limitless imagination... there I was, feeling like there was nothing for me to contribute. A part of me could only dig for my once vibrant adventurous spirit to find nothing but dust and distant memories. And when we walked back to the car, I took a moment to turn around, take in the village for one moment... examine the architecture, smile at the couple nearby walking their dog, watch the man with the telescope talk to some kids about the moon. It was almost like the Earth froze and everything surrounding me was suspended in silence. And it felt good. It felt really good.

This year has felt like such a whirlwind that I unintentionally had to take a moment to ground myself. Remind myself where I was, what day I was living in... hell, even what time it was when I saw how dark it was starting to get. I used to always laugh at people who said that the year flew by so fast and those who wondered where it all went. Now I'm one of them... not by choice, but alas.


I tend to not feel myself "appreciating the moment" much anymore. I'm in a state of life right now where I follow my daily schedule and don't even try to deviate from it in fear that something will go completely and utterly wrong... or the fact that I'm more mentally exhausted than I've ever been. And though I get frustrated and sometimes tend to beat myself up for feeling this way, I feel it's also part of transitioning in life: things change, routines get altered to fit new lifestyles, and so does our perception of the world around us.

Today, I took a different route to work. Drove around my old neighborhood and sat in front of my father's old house. And later, I'm going to take a different route home. If I get lost, that's completely okay... because sometimes, the most precious moments in life are those that you didn't expect to be in.

I would be lying if I were to say these past six months weren't trying.  But I also would be lying if I said that I didn't learn anything from it. To tell you the truth, 2019 has been one of the most beautiful years of my life, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Here's to hoping for more beautiful moments, for finding adventure in my monotony, and for different routes to work. This isn't the first of it, and it surely isn't the last.

Friendly Reminders in Times of Change,

Each morning, I wake up to something changing.  And it's kind of annoying.

One morning, I woke up with a small, red zit on the tip of my nose.  Another morning, I woke up to an important missed phone call from my doctor.  And another morning... well, waking up to not-so-great news about one of my dear friends.

I feel my work load growing from small piles to surrounding me like a cold blanket filled with paper cuts and steam wand burns. My friend group has slowly dwindled down to maybe a couple friendly faces and my health... that's something we can talk about another time. Being surrounded by all this change and uncertainty has made me feel pretty claustrophobic, if I were completely honest. I'm so used to my life being SO BIG that when everything starts shrinking down (or when I feel like I'm shrinking down), I start to feel negative thoughts. Self-loathing. Incompetence. Failure.

But recently, especially the past few weeks, I have to remind myself of these few things. Maybe they'll help you, too.

1. You are a good person.  Regardless of what's happening in your life... whether you have one hundred friends or just one. Whether you are getting down on yourself or high in the clouds. Whether your words and actions reflected those of a saint or as the lowest of sinners... you are still a good person. You are still a person who is able to be loved and appreciated. Someone who deserves to be celebrated and supported. Don't let crappy circumstances, people, or emotions sway you into thinking otherwise. Going down the negative path and nit-picking at yourself is not the most constructive path to be on.
2. Change is there to mold you into something greater than you ever thought you could be.  Imagine the job of a blacksmith. His job is to take iron and turn it into awesome and useful things, weapons being one of the most popular. That blacksmith doesn't just gently place iron in a conventional oven to quietly heat up the iron and give it hugs to turn it into a sword.  This guy is putting metal in kilns that can go up to 2,400*F for long periods of time, then smashing it with hammers and bending it to whichever shape he wants. And the end product? Something strong, durable, and resilient. Look at the situations you're in. Are you willing to be bent, shaped, and molded into something greater or are you just going to wait in the fire for everything to melt away?
3. It's okay to be alone sometimes. As an extrovert, this is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever said. I get refueled by being around people; it's part of my nature. But for the past couple of months, I've wanted to be by myself. Yes, depression and some panic days did play a part of it, but I wanted to get to know myself, especially after everything that had transpired in the months beforehand. What do I like to do? What are my beliefs? How do I want to handle the circumstances I'm in? Who and what do I want to be influenced by; what influence do I want to be? Who am I without all the people around and what is my true character? It was probably one of the most rejuvenating periods I've experienced. And not many people understood that. But I'm pleading with you... even if it's just for a day or a week. Take some time to get to know yourself. Get away from the noise and distractions and hone in on what's truly important: getting to know and taking care of yourself.

I'll end it with this thought: don't let your circumstances crumble the foundation of who you are. You are a good person. No matter what is happening in your life yesterday, today, tomorrow, or forever... your circumstances do not define your character. Health scares, relapses, and crappy friends don't define you. What defines you is how you define yourself.

When the blacksmith pulls metal out of his 2,400*F kiln, that metal doesn't explode and crumble. It heals, hardens, and strengthens. So get out there and be the strong piece of metal that you are. Walk out into the world with confidence on your sleeve and the strength of a lion roaring in the deepest parts of your soul. If anything, I believe in you.

When Regret Comes Around,

There's times I sit and wonder how my life would be if I would have done more.  Been more bold and tenacious.  Said more than I did or even did more than I wanted to.  But the bittersweet thing about life is this: I can't go back and change any of that.

Let me tell you one of my many regrets in life; maybe you can relate.

There's a guy I met a little over a year ago that completely stole my heart. He was everything I really wanted: strong in his faith, worked with kids, challenged me in many places of my life, and even liked chicken nuggets (and people who truly know me know that someone who doesn't like chicken nuggets is a deal breaker) just to name a few. We would have long phone conversations about ministry and work. He even wanted to me to submit an application to start working with him. Brad was a person that I was ready to drop everything for... but 8 hours and 55 minutes separated my desires from reality.

You see, in order for me to grasp what I desired, which was a guy and an apprenticeship that I really wasn't promised a job at the end of, I would have had to drop my entire life and move to Charlotte, North Carolina. I did my research, sought council from my friends, prayed A LOT, and even started looking for apartments near the church I would have been working at.  At the end, though, I opted out.  I withdrew my application.  I cancelled my video shoots and Skype interviews.  And sometimes, I regret every moment of it.  I catch myself sharing things from the church or see Brad with his new girlfriend and the thought of me not being where my heart longs to be truly kills me.

But instead of living in the past, I have to learn from my past.

I never told Brad I liked him.  And I'm pretty sure a few other girls have admitted this to him in his time there, as well. I never told Brad anything, actually. I never took that step and fully submitted my applications.  I never got to meet the staff or intern with awesome people.  I never got to live out my dream and work at Elevation... yet.

I gained so much from staying though.  I wouldn't have been able to stay at Starbucks and learn more about my other passion of coffee if I didn't stay.  I wouldn't have met so many new friends if I didn't stay.  I wouldn't have been able to meet my youth kids and have the opportunity to preach if I didn't stay.  Heck... my life would be so different if I didn't stay.

Maybe it'd be a good different, I don't know.  All I know is this:  when regret comes around, brush your shoulders off.  There's probably a reason why you're on this particular path rather than the one you desire.  You may not see it now, but understanding comes with wisdom and experience.  And that's what I strive for in times of regret.

At the end of it all, I didn't really lose much. I gained more than I could ever imagine.  And forget Brad, he's just another guy.  There's someone better out there, anyways... and being patient for that person is something I'll never regret.

Bumps in the Road and Getting Over Them,

It's been a long time since I've really sat down and blogged.  It's been almost a year; I've never really taken that long of a break before.  But for those of you who don't know, you now know one of my many secrets: I have a blog.

So hello, welcome.

2016 has been one of the most chaotic, unpredictable, and earth shattering years I've been a part of.  Whether it be because of cancers, death, shattered friendships, or rediscovery... it's been a beautiful disaster that I've been privileged to be a part of.  And that's odd to say, when I think about it.  As a normal person, I wouldn't think that instantaneous tragedy like almost losing your friend to stage 4 cancer or actually losing someone to an unexpected car accident to be something I'm 'happy' to be a part of.  I disconnected from a lot of people that believed lies about me and people that I knew weren't good for me to be around.  These aren't things to be happy about, but these are things that I look back on, even though some may be fresh, and discover how much I've grown as a person, whether other people think it's a positive or negative change.

With all the chaos, I lost my stability this year.  I was in probably one of the darkest places I've ever been in and I would never wish that on anyone.  To be candid, I didn't think I was going to even come back from losing it.  There were many nights this year that I sat and contemplated my future or if I even wanted to continue on.  I can remember sitting in my bed, crying in confusion and thinking thoughts I never had for 24 straight days; and every night I would ask myself the same questions with nothing in return.  There were many mornings that I laid in bed and fought with myself over going into work, getting breakfast, or even leaving my room.  There were even a few moments when I would approach people I thought were my friends, especially one of my roommates, and was told that the things I were feeling were because I "wasn't praying hard enough" and that "people don't want to be around you anymore because you're draining to them when you get depressed and anxious. Where's your joy?!".  Because that doesn't make someone who's depressed feel worse.

Though this has been an insane year and there has been much loss and sadness, I have gained so much more than I could imagine.  My faith is stronger than it ever has been; that happens when you spend so much time alone.  God has been my firm foundation in this time and I'm so thankful for His timing and presence in my life.  I work with the best youth ministry and have the most wonderful kids that I get to hang out with each week... I genuinely love all 80+ of them and they're the highlight of my week (you can ask anyone; I talk about them way too much).  He's brought the right people and the right things in my life and I know there are greater things to come.

Speaking of people, I have the best support system right now.  Let me gloat about them real quick:

• My mom is not just my mom, she's one of my best friends.  I'm so grateful to have a mother who tells me like it is and loves me unconditionally.  I don't think I would've made it this year without her.
• I am absolutely grateful for my Starbucks family.  Regardless of how many tears I shed or how angry I got, they were still there for me and (not trying to assume) loved me on my good days and my bad days.  They're some of the most amazing people I've had the honor of working with.  And if they actually see this... Pj, Jordan, Tiff, Emily, and the rest of my #9310 team... I am so grateful for you guys.  I can't even put it into words.  Thank you for putting your agendas aside to be there for me.  I truly love you guys.
• The few friends that have stuck around with me are some of the BEST people in the world.  I don't think I've been so real with a group of people in recent years.  From coming to my house for spontaneous burritos, spending an entire night just driving and eating ice cream, or even getting serious with me during that dark time... Kara, Brianna, Sarah, Jessie, Sam, Katie... thank you for showing me that you care.  That's all I need.

With all this thank-you talk, I guess I can spill about what the title of this blog is really about... bumps in the road and getting over them.  I have learned a lot this year and if you're going through a hard time right now, I hope this will help... even just a small bit.

1. It's okay to be vulnerable with people. It's easy to assume that what makes us likable are our strengths, our accomplishments, or the things we're proud of.  Sure, this impresses people, but it isn't what draws others to us. We get closer to someone the more we can depart from what human beings are like and grow closer to the truths that are hidden by a cheerful facade.  These are truths like being lonely for a long time, how unsatisfactory a family situation is, or how worried we are... all the time. Revealing these things can put us in social danger, but friendship is seeing past that.  It's connecting with someone in that vulnerability and being empathetic with them.  It's looking at them and saying, "Hey, me too".
2. Your priorities don't have to meet someone else's standards in order for them to be important.  A few weeks ago, my roommate and I had a falling out over my priorities.  The fact that I can't go to church on Sundays because of my job is seen as unsatisfactory to her, and I got real frustrated. I'm making money, I'm paying my rent!  I know I'm doing something right.  And God knows I'm doing something right; if I wasn't, I would be on a different path right now.  Life isn't about impressing other people and catering your priorities to everyone else.  Which leads me to my third point.
3. Put some time aside to take care of yourself.  When I was at work last Monday, I cried.  All the stress life had thrown at me the previous few days had finally gotten to me.  Two of my coworkers were trying to comfort me (bless their poor souls for having to witness my Kim Kardashian-level ugly cry), when one of them said something that really stuck with me: money's gonna come, you're job's still gonna be here, none of that is important... what's important is that you need to take care of yourself.  So on the next day I had off, I took care of myself.  I cooked a nice meal, went on a run, put in extra effort when it came to my makeup, listened to some old emo-pop bands I blasted in the Myspace era of my life, mowed my lawn, cleaned my living space, and napped.  I napped a lot.  Self-care looks different to each person, but take time each day to treat yourself in small ways.  Don't let your mental health fall through; you're too important.
4. Find a good support system.  See my sappy thank you note for why this is important.
5. Try to be positive.  Dumbledore said it better than I could ever: happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.

I keep going because I know my best memories are yet to be made.  Never let a bump in the road be the end of your journey. 

Thinking at 6am Isn't a Great Idea,

I haven't slept in two days. It's 6am, an ungodly time for me to be awake, but I've been thinking a lot about this year. No, this isn't your usual "new year, new me" post... at least I hope it's not by the end of it.

I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I've been mean, petty, arrogant... even distant at times.  But worst of all, I've hurt a lot of people. Some on accident, some on purpose, and most of them people I claimed to love and admire.

It's one of the unfortunate realities of being human. One of the things that makes us beautiful, though, is that we can find these flaws and strive to make them better. I'm sure you'll agree though... some of us are better at this than others.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've lost the majority of my friends this year. Maybe it's because I place my work precedent over casual hang outs, my wardrobe consisting of nothing but black on black with a touch of green during the day and a pair of sweats and blankets after 10. Maybe it's because I'm literally running the finances of an entire household and making sure they're taken care of while getting backlash over our already dirt cheap rent. Oh, did I mention this is the first time I'm doing this, I pretty much taught myself everything, and made a fool-proof budget plan by myself? Maybe it's because I'm not as active in ministry anymore because my mental health, unfortunately, has to come first. Some people don't understand that as much as I've had to the past year, but I learned in the hardest and darkest way possible. I don't wish it on anyone. Maybe it's because I'm always depressed because of a diagnosis I haven't told anyone about except the people I work with and the few people outside of my work circle... but everyone assumes I'm fine. And it's okay. Even though this is something so much bigger than I am and I can never wrap my brain around it, I always assume I'm fine, too.

Or maybe... just maybe, I've finally found enough value in myself to realize that I deserve people that are there for me when I need help, too. I'm not just here to serve everyone else. I'm also here to take care of myself, and that's something I'm proud to have realized this year. No one can take that away from me.

I can sit here and say that everything is going to change this year. How I'm gonna be a different person come midnight tonight. How I'm gonna start taking care of myself, get 8+ hours of sleep, go to college, not let people affect my moods and how I feel about myself, take more time for me, make friends, stop being so depressed and anxious and scatterbrained all the time... but this is what I tell myself every year. And I fail big time. This pile of things I want to make better for me gets piled higher and wider the more I think about it. But I always try.

The thing about this huge, colossal pile is that it's not gonna be defeated in a day. Every day is a chance to take a small, manageable chunk off of the pile and work at that small piece, then move on to the next manageable piece. Changing yourself isn't about overwhelming yourself. It's about taking one small step at a time until you reach your goal.

Now, I'm not trying to turn over a new leaf; these aren't things one can just will into their personality. It takes time... a person is molded and shaped over a course of days and weeks, months and years. I know I'm not gonna get it right the first time. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to stumble, and I'm surely going to disappoint myself and everyone around me along the way. But as a friend once said, "Success is perserverance through failure and it's through failure that I will perservere to become the person I want to be." That is where I set my sights; setting a goal I know I will probably never achieve because perfection is impossible but nonetheless will persue until the day I die.

What is it they say? It's the journey, not the destination.