Thanksgiving,

“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” - Oprah Winfrey

Right now, it's 4pm.  I'm in my pajamas, my legs are sore from a football game from last night, my throat is scratchy, and Thanksgiving dinner is in about two hours.  Yes, it's late, but thanks to a guy who works second shift called "dad", we have to wait.

The past month, I've been seeing a ton of people writing statuses as to what they're thankful for.  A few people asked me to do it, but all I could think was, "Why are we spending a month thinking of one thing each day that we're thankful for... when we could do it every day of our lives?"  So I happily declined the offer and decided to make it one big blog post on Thanksgiving day.

I don't think I ever really sit down and think of what I am thankful for.  Because this is usually how I, and maybe a lot of others, see things:  I'm an average human being living an average life in the United States of America with an average job and an average family and an average personality. But today, I want to shift my mind off that "average" mindset.

Sure, I have an average life.  My mom and stepdad are alive and working. They have their share of health problems, like me, but they're still kicking and trying their best to give my brother and I the best life they can.  

I have an average brother, who likes to close himself in his room and play COD all day.  But when he comes out and isn't too grumpy, we'll have nice conversation and he may even offer me a Kit-Kat or two. That's pretty cool.  

I've got average aunts who help me get around to doctor's appointments and to-and-from work and teach me to drive and to parties and church.  

I have average friends who come from all kinds of different worlds and backgrounds, who love me and accept me for who I am, from my weird laugh to times when I struggle and I'm not myself.  They encourage me to do things I would never think I could and support me no matter what the situation.  That's pretty cool, too.

I have an average job where I also work with average people and deal with average things.  My job isn't the greatest thing in the world, but in the past few months, the people have been what make it worthwhile.

I wasn't blessed with the greatest health, but I have two eyes and a nose and ten fingers and ten toes. I have a heart that beats so loud and works so hard sometimes, that I can hear it and feel it in my ears. I can smell yummy foods and candles whenever I want.  I can touch things and listen to my favorite music and run outside and even just look outside and enjoy the view from my bedroom morning of the sun setting, like the sky has turned into this beautiful, harmless ball of fire.  And though my body may be failing and doing things I don't understand, that is pretty cool.

I have a not-so-average God who wakes me up every morning and grants me life and salvation from the moment I open my eyes to when I go to sleep and even while I dream of crazy things and the future, the life and salvation is still there.

In the end, when you take all these small things you realize you're thankful for, it turns into something extraordinary.  You can't build an entire building without having little things, like beams and screws, putting it together.  A train can't get to it's destination without all the tracks leading it there.  So my life and things I've been blessed with aren't that average, but rather, pretty remarkable.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. :)

A Short Blog Post about the Future,

It's kind of disheartening and at the same time encouraging that one year ago, Jonnie from The Buried Life saw my graphic design portfolio and ultimately offered me a year internship on the spot.  Sure, I don't have the internship at this moment, nor is my work anything spectacular or noteworthy, just average.  But it keeps me motivated to get better everyday and hopefully work for these guys.  If I had potential a year ago, with a portfolio of two weeks worth of work, imagine me going in with a portfolio with a year's work.  Though the future is scary, I'm real excited for it at the same time.

It's Time to Let Go,

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

I'm not one of those people who vents.  Usually, I'm the type that keeps everything to myself and, when completely boiled over, lets everything out in a smashing rage and leaves nothing but a valley in my path.  But this is something I never let out. Something I've come to realize is probably time to let go of, and I can't let go of it until I talk about it.  Yes, it's about a boy.  Yes, it's about a love I believe would happen, but have come to realize probably never will.  And yes, it's something that will take time and commitment to let go of.

So this is what this is for.  It's a letter I'm writing to this gentleman to say goodbye to my feelings towards him.  Because I have a strong feeling that they are not reciprocated or acknowledged, and because of the situation the both of us are in, it's really not the best decision for me to keep pursuing it.

I've known this particular guy for a few years, but those little butterfly-feelings started coming around about a few months ago. We'll call him Esteban, because I don't know any Esteban's, other than Esteban from "The Suite Life", but he doesn't count because I don't know him personally.  But anyways, back to the story.  Esteban and I are very similar in just about everything.  It's actually kind of scary, to be honest.  When my dad had a stroke a few months ago, he was the first person I consoled to, and that's really what started making our friendship stronger than ever.  He and I opened up about our pasts, telling each other who we were and the things we've done.  The adventures we've been on in life, the heartbreaks we've had, and the transformations we've experienced.  He's even told me I know more about him than most of his friends and potential love interests, and that's a huge honor to have with someone.  Eventually, I started over-thinking things and thought he actually liked me.

And then the big kicker:  he then asked me to help him find a girlfriend.  As he went off on his list, he kept asking questions about me.  All I could think was... why is he asking me these things?  Why does he want to know if I have a good relationship with my family?  Why does he want to know what kind of sports I've done?  And again, I over-thought things, drawing the conclusion that he was secretly asking about me because he liked me.  But the more we saw each other, the more he'd ask me about other girls.  Is she pretty?  Is she right for me?  Carly, do you think she is the one?  Of course I would tell him to talk to the girl and give it a chance, but inside, all I wanted to do was grab his shoulders, shake him, make him look me in the eyes, and yell, "HEY ESTEBAN, WHAT ABOUT ME?"

The truth is, no matter how hard I try, it'll never be me.

I had this dream last night that really inspired me to write this out.  I was a deer trying to cross an empty road to the woods.  As I walked, a car came by and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the car's headlights, so dazzled and infatuated with the view.  Every time I try to achieve something, I'm like a deer in the headlights, losing focus on the goal and averting my gaze to something that'll hurt me in the end:  you.

So Esteban, I know that even though you're calling me pretty, you do it to make me feel good, not because you really mean it.  I know that those talks we have are because you want to get things off your chest and I'm the one there, not so that I can get to know you personally.  I know that your hugs, hand holding and kind words were just kind gestures, not signs of infatuation.  And I'm sorry that that was how I saw it the past few months, and if you ever find this during your travels on the Internet, if someone shows you, or if I have the guts to present this to you in the future, I really hope you understand and forgive me afterwards.  I can't keep having these sleepless nights, wondering what you think of me... in the words of my friend, Mike Ballz, "Fantasize about us living in paradise, in a warm place where we never really die".

I've been sitting here for the past eight hours, trying to compile my thoughts into words, words into sentences.  And hopefully this is the last time I ever touch this.  So, until these feelings are mutual (which they probably never will), I have to let you go.  Put these feelings, dreams, aspirations, thoughts... all in a box and put them away for good. It's going to be tough.  It's not like I see you only once a week or month.  I see you more than that.  Three, four times a week.  Sometimes every day of the week.  But I can't keep torturing myself with false hope and aspirations with someone that doesn't want to be a part of it.

With being sick, I don't want to waste my time with someone that is steering me the wrong way.  I literally do not have time to mess around and joke about life.  And ironically, I've spent eight hours of my precious time writing about someone who I say I don't have time to be hung up on.  It's time to build relationships with others, not just you.  It's time to put myself out there for people and show them the best I can be, not put myself out there for you and show you the best I can be.  It's time to move on.

Musings at 3am,

A few weeks ago, I confessed to a guy I had been talking to for a few weeks that I had feelings for him.  If you know me, this is one of the hardest things I can do with anyone.  I have these spasms of anxiety every now and then that like to come back and haunt me with tongue-tied words, awkward sweating, and absolutely no eye contact.  And yes, as you would figure, the guy rejected me, like they all do.  But it was the way he rejected me that struck a cord.

When I told him, all he did was look at me and say, "You're one of the nicest girls I know and your personality is spot on, but you don't have the look I'm looking for."  The look.  Excuse me?

No, I'm not tall or blonde or blue eyed or tan.  The gene pool didn't really work in my favor in that department.  My upper lip isn't as full as my lower lip and my teeth are fucked up and my nose looks like the nose on your grandmother's old Santa ornaments she puts on her tree on Christmas.  I'm probably the largest 5'1'' girl you've ever seen, but I really can't help that either, since... well, I'm probably dying of some fucking cancer or some other unknown disorder my doctors don't know anything about.  I would've rather have been told that I was way too fat for him than to be told that I didn't have "the look".

I feel like I run into this problem a lot.  That because of my size, I'm 'undateable'.  And if that is the only problem with me and why I've been single for the past 5+ years, then I'm never going to find anyone at this rate.

Another thing:  I am such a hypocrite with this, but I'm sick and tired of people telling me that "good things come to people who wait".  Excuse me, I've been waiting for over five years to be a skinny, beautiful woman with no irregularities about her and who men find to be this absolutely beautiful creature sent from the Heavens.  I've been waiting for over five years too look like a normal fucking human being, and that obviously is never going to come for me.  No matter how hard I pray, no matter how tough my exterior is, no matter how many friends I make or how much community service I do or how many times my doctors make me not eat, I will never look normal.  I'm always going to have these stretch marks, and they're only going to get larger.  I'm always going to look like this, and I'm only going to get bigger.  No one will love me for me because my Stein Leventhal is getting in the fucking way and I'm so sick and tired of being alone.

All I want is for someone to make me feel beautiful and special.  For just one night.  Take me to a light dinner.  Let's take a stroll in the park at night.  Look at the stars.  Just him and I.  Hold my hand and dance with me under the stars.  Make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

But this probably will never happen.  Because I'm me, and nothing good ever happens with me.

Music Monday,

I've been behind on my blogging game, but I'm here for Music Monday!  It'll be a quick one, since I've been listening to the same few bands this week.  This week, we're going a little more on the mainstream side.

1.  "Girls/Girls/Boys" by Panic! at the Disco

Mmm... Brendon Urie.  Even more mmm?  Naked Brendon Urie.  I'm really liking the new sound P!ATD is playing with on this new album.  This is honestly more of my music taste, and I love it.  Check out his homage to D'Angelo's classic 'stripped' video.

2.  "Kiss Me Slowly" by Parachute

Parachute is probably one of my favorite bands out there... ever.  And this song is probably one of their most popular songs, right below their debut single, "She is Love".  Even though the song is co-written by Lady Antebellum (and I hate Lady Antebellum), this song is probably one of the best songs they've written on all three albums.  Check it out, and maybe they'll become your favorite band, too.

3.  "Heartbreaker" by Justin Bieber

"WOAH CARLY WHAT IS THIS CRAP YOU HATE JUSTIN BIEBER."  Yes, but...

a. This song is absolutely beautiful.

b.  I still don't like Justin Bieber.  Just this song.

c.  If you don't like that I like this song, you can swerve to another blog.

But hey, if you don't wanna be judgmental and not judge this douchebag for all the idiotic things he does and actually check out this song, go for it.