Music Monday: Self-Confident Edition,

So, these are some songs from my workout playlist that I pretty much blast while I'm running or jump roping. I hope they give you all some motivation to join me on this journey, or just give you a few awesome songs for your iTunes or Spotify playlists!

By the way, I made a Spotify playlist of all the music I've ever mentioned on this blog (well, all the music that it'd let me put on a playlist in Spotify) . Here it is, if you'd like to just listen to the music I was able to put in a playlist! https://play.spotify.com/user/126077568/playlist/6EV7gcF4S0O2MIjEUQynxV

1. "Cannonball" by Lea Michele

I've got this new beginning and I will fly like a cannonball. Pretty much the summary of the past 55 days of my life. Plus, I got some very encouraging words from my friend, Amy, describing this year of growth for me as a 'cannonball being shot out of a cannon'.  So, you can definitely say that this song has become my anthem for 2014. And you can't deny that Lea Michele looks and sounds absolutely gorgeous.

2.  "Unpretty" by TLC

TLC was one of my favorite groups when I was a little girl, and "Unpretty" was one of my favorite songs.  I never realized what this song was about until I got older, though. It's a song about self confidence and loving yourself! Before you change something about yourself, learn to love it! And if you want to change it, think of it as enhancing something that is already beautiful!

3.  "Video" by India.Arie

India.Arie is officially my queen. "Video" is pretty much the "Hey I love myself and I don't give a damn what you have to say about it" anthem of my life. She's so beautiful as it is, and having her admit in such an intimate way that she loves herself, even in those times where she doesn't shave her legs, brush her hair, or wear fancy clothes, is extremely powerful to me, and she is such a body peace inspiration of mine.  You are all queens in your own right!

March 11th: The End of an Era,

Almost two years ago, three days after my 19th birthday, I remember waking up, going to the old silo building on Zuck Road, and getting these little metal death traps called braces cemented in my mouth.  After two and a half hours of failed attempts to install my expander and headgear, thinking up a last-minute plan to avoid jaw surgery, and countless other unfortunate events, I was left in the review room with a "How to Take Care of Your New Braces" video and thirteen teddy bears on the wall.  And I cried.  Why?  Because I knew, as a nineteen year old woman, I was now an outcast. I felt ugly, and my teeth were even more of an eyesore.

Throughout this process, though, as my teeth were shifting, I was shifting too.  In this two years, I've definitely changed a lot. And it's kind of freaky to think about.  Sure, I've physically changed, gaining decent amount of weight and not the most beautiful skin, but there's been a bigger change internally.  My braces used to hold me back from so many things. People, events, spontaneous outings... I was scared of it all. It's kind of funny to think that at this moment last year or even two years ago, I was afraid. I'm still scared of some social situations, but not as much as I was before. I've become a more confident, outgoing, and overall happier version of the person I previously was. And I'm loving every second of it.

So tomorrow, when I go the old silo building on Zuck Road for my second to last appointment and get these little miracle workers off my teeth, get them all polished and clean, and throw a retainer in that'll give me a lisp for a few days, I know I'll cry. Not just because I'll be in pain or because I'll have beautiful teeth.  But because I'm ending an era of my life. This Tuesday is the close of a chapter in my life that I've been so grateful to have, though a little painful. I can't even express how grateful I am for this part of my life. It's been real, it hasn't been too fun, but it's something I'll always carry with me.

These past two years have been amazing; I can't imagine what this next journey will be!  Here's to a new chapter in my life, full of self-confidence and loving myself and everyone around me!

On Lifestyle Changes and Lasting Longer Than 7 Days,

For those of you that know me personally, you know that I'm one of those people that quits easily and very fast.  If I mess up on a dance routine or a song I'm trying to play on my keyboard, I don't feel guilty throwing my keyboard back in the closet or hanging up my dancing shoes.  It's always been how I am, and I really don't know why.  But this time, things are different.

As of Saturday, I can proudly say that I have been living a cleaner, healthier lifestyle for 30 days, something I've never been able to say before.  It's kind of nuts to think about, actually.  And sure, I've slipped up a few times (cuz I know my mom is gonna see this and say, "CARLY YOU ATE MY LINDOR TRUFFLES YOU LIE" and I do confess to eating Chinese once), but for the most part, I've been testing out a Paleo-based diet with a bit of chicken and seafood for protein, naan for a little bit of carbs, a little bit of cheese and almond milk for my dairy, and a half-gallon jug of water a day.  I can happily say that I've never felt better.  Sure, I don't look any different and I feel hungry all the time, but those things will change over time.  And last night, while I was trying to find myself some zucchini and spinach at Wal-Mart, I thought that I could share how I'm doing as well as I am to people who may not be doing so well or are easy quitters, like myself.

I know I'm not a doctor, personal trainer, nutritionist, psychologist, or any other profession that has to do with health or how the mind works.  I'm just a girl that works at Target.  But these are just things that have been working really well for me, and maybe they'll work for you too.

So here they are and the answers to my so-called 'success':  how am I going longer than seven days of clean eating and not quitting yet?  And honestly, it's pretty simple.  It's based on these six things:

1. Having my own money and no restrictions on what I can/can't buy.  Pretty simple concept.  I'm working.  I have my own money.  And I work in a store where they now sell all kinds of good things for me.  So, instead of my parents getting mad that I need a $5 bottle of flax seed oil, a half gallon water bottle, and a pair of yoga pants and spending their money, I'm able to get these things and not feel guilty asking anyone for help.
2. Experimenting.  I'm not a huge fan of vegetables.  The only vegetables I used to enjoy were potato chips and fried zucchini and eggplant.  What a food palette, huh?  But, when you're living a healthier life, you have to break out of your normal habits and start trying new things.  Don't start crazy with vegetables you don't like! That's a no-no!  I started with zucchini for three reasons: I really liked fried zucchini, my grandma used to make me zucchini at her house every summer, and I thought it'd be a real great start in my vegetable adventures.  Now, I can seriously say that I know how to make pizza and chips out of zucchini, and they're absolutely fantastic, plus a lot of other things!  And yes, I've already experimented with other veggies too:  broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, tomatoes (shut up I know they're fruit, I still hate them)... and my next experiment?  Spinach.  By golly, pray for me.
3. Pinterest.  Holy crap, can I just get married to Pinterest?  I mean, even I have a secret board of some things I'd want in my wedding, and I've been single since the serpent convinced Adam and Eve to eat the apple off the Tree of Good and Evil.  No matter what you think of Pinterest, type in the words 'healthy recipes' and thousands of delicious meals are on your computer screen or phone, ready to be pinned, read, and tried in your own kitchen.  And that is what I love about it! I don't think of those colorful, delicious recipes by myself... I'm not that smart! Thank you, guy/girl who invented Pinterest. You're my hero.  If you want to find me on Pinterest and follow me, go to http://pinterest.com/WizCarlyfuh.  I'd love for you to join my pinning adventures!
4. Accountability.  This concept is something I've really never had before.  And I know my mom is gonna read this, so I know she's gonna be like, "Excuse me Carly, I was your accountability partner." But do you know how easy it is to skip a workout or eat all the rigatoni in the fridge or buy a couple bags of chips and sneak them all into your room when your accountability partner is at work and not checking up on you?  Well, I'll tell you:  it's so easy that I gained as much weight as a 3-year-old child in one year, along with my various health issues.  And to give you a perspective, an average 3-year-old child weighs at least 40-50 pounds.  You're welcome for the visual.  But back on track now... this year, a group of friends and I are starting a focus group, with workouts, snacks, and a study.  And the best part?  Each of us has an accountability partner.  And we're all each other's accountability partners.  That's absolutely crazy! So I went from having 0 accountability partners to like... 20. Pretty nuts!
5. Taking it slow.  I've been one of those people that makes it their new year's resolution to get thinner.  Every damn year.  And every time, I start way too fast.  I work out for an hour on the Wii.  I take carrots to work.  I try to eat yogurt, even though I hate yogurt.  And because I did things so quickly, my body just didn't have time to get used to the dramatic change.  So it makes me become less motivated... very quickly.  I take a day off after day 5 and all that work I put into myself the past four days becomes a waste of time.  Yoga Lady on Wii complains the next time I go on that she hasn't worked out with me in four months.  The carrots are thrown away and the yogurt forms a moldy film.  Take things slow!  I started out with healthy eating, and have gradually starting putting workouts in my daily routine.  Maybe that'll work for you too!
6. Noting every victory.  Speaking of the focus group, we got these notebooks at the focus group.  We were never given any direction as to what we were supposed to do with them, so I did something on my own:  every day, I try to write at least one healthy thing I did for myself.

       
Whether it's making a healthy meal, packing food for work, taking the long way to get something... anything we may see as small is still considered a victory! When we get into that mindset, it's so much easier to do and conquer new things, because even trying turns into a victory in itself!

But yes, friends.  This is really all that it took for me to start living a better life.  Sure, it's hard.  It's hard to sit in a restaurant with my friends and not be able to order any food there.  It's hard to have waiters look at you funny while you ask for a straw for your 'special snack smoothie'.  It's hard to sit in my own house sometimes and just know that there's 40 (literally) bags of Twizzlers, little Moon Pies, and chocolates in the cabinets of my stepfather's bar.  It's hard after eating to not have more, since I still feel hungry and have to slowly train my stomach and brain about proper portions and limit oily foods.  This entire thing, as someone who suffers from a binge eating disorder, is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  But throughout these trials comes good things.  Learning new things.  Gaining friends and accountability.  Substitutions I never knew I could do (I bet you didn't know that you could make ice cream out of peanut butter and frozen bananas, or that you can substitute your fried buffalo chicken wings with baked buffalo cauliflower!).  And you know, though it's tough right now, at this very moment, I'm willing to stick it out for another month.  Binge eating and PCOS has beaten me before, but this time, I'm not going out without a fight!

Music Monday: K-Pop Edition,

Okay, I know I'm gonna get a ton of crap for posting this genre this week, but I really don't care.  K-pop has been a genre I've loved since I graduated high school, and I've grown to become totally okay with embracing and expressing that to the public.  Besides, 90% of the talent in Korea are probably more hard working than many of the musicians in America's entertainment industry today.  These guys have long days and nights, sometimes hardly eat, 14 hour training days, and award shows practically every day.  I'm gonna post some of the groups I've grown to love in the past three years, and I would love to know what you guys think.  And no, none of these are "Gangnam Style".  There's way more to K-pop than "Gangnam Style" and Girls' Generation.  This is actually good music, I promise.

1.  "Growl" by EXO

I'm a sucker for fantastic choreography.  I'm also a sucker for a guy with great vocals.  Put those two together and you have EXO, a group of 12 fine, talented young lads that put a whole new meaning to a one-shot music video.  These boys are rookies, only in their second year in the business, but they're surely going to go places in the future.  This is the Korean version of the song, but if you wanna check out the Chinese version (cuz the group is supposed to be split up in Korean and Chinese speaking members), click here.

2.  "Please Don't..." by K.Will

It's been over a year since this video has been released and it still makes me want to cry/throw things/rip my hair out.  It just makes me really emotional and equally pisses me off.  K.Will's vocals are absolutely smooth, like chocolate, because DAMN I could listen to him all day.  And though you can't see his face throughout the entire thing and the song is driven by a story-heavy video, it's definitely one of the most beautifully shot videos in Korean media.

3.  "Heaven's Door" by Eric Nam

Okay, we're getting into the cute segment of "What Carly Likes in K-Pop".  And no, I'm not talking about the boys (maybe). But I'm talking about Atlanta born and raised Eric Nam, discovered by a few talent agencies by a cover he posted on Youtube.  After appearing on "Birth of a Great Star 2" and releasing his album last year, this guy has blown up.  And though he's not a star in America, I'm so proud of him for getting recognized for the talent that he is.

4. "The Chaser" by INFINITE

Again with the fantastic choreography and perfect harmonies.  INFINITE is one of those groups that likes to play with different sounds, not wanting to sound like the normal group, and actually do it well.  Plus, these guys are all so talented, their company made two sub-groups:  a rap duo and a solo act with the leader of the group, Sunggyu (I will say that his album was extremely underrated and it's one of the greatest albums in my collection at the moment).  "The Chaser" reminds me of some 80's electro soundtrack, and the choreography is on POINT.  Like, so technical and complicated and precise... my inner dancer is screaming with how much I love this choreography.  Now if only someday I can dance as well as these guys.

5.  "Something" by TVXQ!

Oh, the veterans of K-pop.  TVXQ! has been around since 2004, and with all the turmoil their group has been through, from losing three members to legal lawsuits, Yunho and Changmin have risen above it and have released such great music the past few years.  Their recent single, celebrating their 10 year anniversary together, kind of has a 50's swing vibe to it, and the technical footwork in this is absolutely phenomenal.

Honorable Mentions:

These are still groups that I absolutely LOVE, but I'd rather show you my top 5 then my top 20. :)

Tasty - MAMAMA

Super Junior - Sexy, Free, and Single

SHINee - Everybody

2PM - A.D.T.O.Y.

Sunggyu - 60 Seconds

U-Kiss - She's Mine

MBLAQ - Smoky Girl

Block B - Very Good

And lastly, Dick Punks.  All of the Dick Punks.

I'm Scared,

I'm not here to entertain or enlighten anyone like I usually try and do.  I honestly don't have the capacity to do that at the moment.  I'm here as one human being, connecting and communicating to you because I am not happy.  I'm not happy with myself and I guess I just need to communicate about it.

I feel like I've never been the best version of myself.  I say I'm going to try and get into school, but I remember that the government doesn't like to accept my FAFSA forms, so I get lazy and stop trying, let alone caring.  I say that I'm going to register to a gym or finish my driving lessons, but I realize that I don't have enough money for either and I quit.  When it comes to my graphic design stuff, I haven't been doing as many as I used to, which is pretty unacceptable to me seeing as I've done it before, but I also realize that there are way better artists than me.  Hell, I even started directing the people that have asked me to do graphics to the people I know are better than me.  Plus, I don't think that the stuff I've been creating recently has been as good as it used to be, and it just makes me, well... disappointed and frustrated.  So I do the thing I'm most talented at:  I quit.  I throw in the towel and call it a day.  I'm trying so hard to be the person I want to be, but every time I pull up a blank file or start up a university website or attempt to find a decently delicious recipe for this weight-loss plan I keep trying to do, I get absolutely terrified to create or even try.  Like, genuinely scared.

And the thing I'm scared of?  Honestly, it's you.  The person I'm talking to at this moment.  I've learned in this short lifespan that I've experienced that people do a lot of things to impress people; to get people to like them.  I remember having a conversation with one of my bosses and he was telling me that he was learning this particular song on the guitar for this girl he was interested in.  I had asked him if he liked playing guitar, and all he could reply with was, "Not really, but girls like guitars."  So, was he trying to tell me the only reason he was inspired to pick up a guitar was because he wanted a particular girl to have an interest for him?

And I think that's why a lot of us do anything in this life.  Whether we learn a new sport or instrument, pick up a new hobby, dress differently, change our interests... we spend our lives obsessing over whether people will like us.  When I was in high school, as a young kid being picked on for no particular reason, all I wanted in life was for people to like me.  But once I got out of high school and was introduced to the people I have now, I had surrounded myself with so many people that actually did like me (or so I hope), more people than I had ever imagined and my confidence had boosted to highs that I've never experienced before.  But over the course of a few months, with diagnoses up the wazoo, an excessive amount of weight coming from God knows where, friends slowing dwindling away, losing inspiration towards things, and countless other factors, my confidence has shriveled down to practically nothing.  And what holds me back sometimes is when I try to do something, I'm afraid that people won't like what I'm doing, which will in turn make them not like me.  And so I run away from the situation, which is another one of my many useless talents in life, and pretend that that particular thing was never on my mind to even try.

I know it's weird.  I know that you're probably thinking, "Carly!  Do what you want!  You shouldn't care what other people think and be the person you want to be instead!" but I can't help but care about what other people think of me.  Worrying about what you think about me has been my entire life.

Even though my social anxiety is getting better, I still get worried about what other people think of me every single day, and it's a struggle.  What do my friends think of me?  What kinds of conversations do they have about me when I'm not around?  What are things that are flawed about me that they've seemed to notice, but wouldn't dare say to my face?  Why do they pick other people for things over me?  And another one:  do they even talk about me at all?  Do they even care about me enough to discuss the mere topic about me?  Yes, guys... this is just a portion of how this brain of mine works.  I know I appear to be a happy, energetic person, but no one really understands that while I'm laughing and trying to put on a smile, I'm fighting this internal battle every time I look at someone.  Even when I am genuinely happy, I feel like I'm putting on a show for people so that they will someday like me.  So that I'm worthy of friendship, a date, a new job... anything that'll get me connected with people I'm certain like me.

My hope is that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that everyone just secretly feels this way, in one way or another.  But honestly, I don't know that for sure.  And if there is a solution, other than trying to not care as much about what other people think, I honestly don't know how to even do that.

All I've ever wanted to do with my life is make and do things that make me and other people happy, and I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my limited time on this planet.  But I guess I just have to hope that I have the capacity to even take the first step and begin striving to be the person I want to be, because I honestly don't know.  I'm generally unsure, and that scares me a lot.

Music Mon(Tues)day,

I know I'm late with Music Monday this week, but forgive me! Here are my three picks of the week!

1.  Get Out - Casey Abrams

I don't know if anyone remembers Casey Abrams from American Idol.  He was the underdog contestant that pretty much played every single instrument in the history of the planet and swept a lot of ladies off their feet with his raspy, soulful voice.  And yes, I was one of the many swept off their feet.  I didn't know that Casey made an album outside of Idol until recently, but when I found it, I was pretty shocked by how awesome it was!  Not that I would expect anything less of Casey, but HOLY CRAP! It has this positive, Jack Johnson-esque vibe to it while keeping light of Casey's quirky, vibrant personality.  Take a listen to one of the singles on Casey's album, then run over to Spotify or iTunes and listen to the whole thing.  I promise it's a great listen... take my word for it!

2.  Ash - Andrew Huang

For those of you who have been following my Music Monday section for a while, you know that I have a soft spot for independent artists.  Andrew is one of the most versatile artists I've had the privilege of listening to and interacting with on social media.  He's done almost every single genre I can think of:  acoustic, rap, dubstep, ska, comedy... he's done a rap in five languages and a song in twenty-six different genres!  Holy talent, huh?!  But anyways, this particular song is part of his newest album, "The Coldest Darkness", and it's a more serious piece.  I've been in love with it since he released it, and I thought I would share the magic of this piece with you guys.

3.  Falling Down - Oasis

I'm a huge fan of 90's music.  Especially Oasis.  If I could place a group of bands in a numerical ordered list of bands that have influenced my adolescent years, Oasis would be number one, then Matchbox 20, then Goo Goo Dolls, then... well, I don't know. But Oasis is number one.  The funny part about this particular song is the fact that I found it on a title sequence of an anime.  It's pretty crazy what songs they use as title sequence songs for dubbed animes, but I'm glad they chose Oasis. It just made my viewing of this particular one ten times more enjoyable.

On Internships and Growing Up,

When you're growing up, it's certain that you will get asked what you want to be when you grow up.  And honestly, I hate that question.  As I'm sitting here tonight, I really don't know what I want to do.  I don't know what I enjoy, what my passions or hobbies are, or even what really gets me out of bed every morning other than the fact that I need to pay my last orthodontics payment in less than 20 days.  It kind of sucks, especially when I'm in an entire room with some of my friends, with their fancy degrees and talking about their upcoming classes.  And then there's me, the girl with the high school diploma and no clue what direction to go next.

There's a part of me that just wants to apply to cool internships and see where it takes me.  New York City, Chicago, Portland, Los Angeles... the possibilities are endless!  There's definitely a couple of internships I've dreamed of landing, but I know they're probably way out of my reach, due to the lack of any college education.

Ever since I met the Buried Life last year and one of the guys pretty much offered me an internship with their documentary, I've been almost obsessed with landing any sort of internship and traveling anywhere.  I feel like there's no purpose for me in Erie anymore, other than working at least five hours a week at Target and build blanket forts in between my dresser and mattress and hide away in it.  I mean, I have my friends and my family (it seems like the majority of them don't get along with my immediate family anyways, so they won't even notice I'm gone), but I'm not in school, I'm not anticipating a boyfriend anytime soon, I've got no kids, and I'm young!  This is a perfect time for me to be traveling and experiencing what this chunk of rock has to offer.

Being a little bit of an Internet buff, one of the main internships I've recently been aiming for is for Philip DeFranco's little project he has going on in the YouTube community.  He's currently running four very successful channels, including his own channel, which has received over 3 million subscribers in the past seven years he's been involved, SourceFed and it's counterpart, SourceFedNERD, and ForHumanPeoples, a clothing company that has also turned into another successful channel.  Overall, Phil has accumulated a community of over four and a half million people, which is pretty insane to think about.  And you know what?  Phil dropped out of college.  He worked hard to get to where he is, from having nothing to pretty much owning a company, a news website, and impacting lives every single day.

I've been watching Phil since he still called himself 'sXePhil' and had a different into to his videos every week in 2009.  I was only 16, but I think Phil sparked interests in me that I've never had before:  politics, world news and history, the occasional celebrity news.  And when it comes to SourceFed and NERD, I'm opening up to more things that I didn't think I would ever be interested in again, including anime, movies, video games, technology, and community.  Plus, I've been messing around with graphic design for a while (which I kinda suck at), and the launch of ForHumanPeoples' "Drawing Board" segment has totally made me a little inspired to start trying to pen down some cool designs for their shirts, and even trying to draw a little better than I do now.

When I found out there were a few young people my age with internships at these places, it really sparked something in me to just keep trying for anything.  Sourcefed is my tip of the mountain, but any cool internship with awesome opportunities would be just as awesome.  I know that since I'm not anyone special, this probably will never happen, but as a young person dreaming to get out of the snowy state she's always known, I'll shoot higher than the moon when it comes to my dreams, and I'm totally okay with shooting higher than I think I can reach.

If Phil actually sees this, that'd be pretty cool.  I think he needs to know that there are people being changed for the better from his story and all the hard work he's put into all his projects the past seven years.  I hope to someday be a part of this growth, but if I cannot, I'm more than content with watching him be successful with the people he loves and appreciates.

Life is all about experiencing cool stuff and being satisfactory with where you're at in life.  So, though I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life, am extremely single, am possibly dying from a disease that I have no idea about, and don't know my passions in life, I at least want to be happy when I essentially 'grow up'.  If happiness is all I get from this life, I think I'll be content, but I at least wanna experience some cool things during the ride.