When Life Throws a Curveball,

"I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down."

Earlier today, one of my Facebook friends posted this particular Vine and captioned it 'my life'. If you don't want to click the link and waste six seconds of your life, I'll just tell you this way: a little girl falls off a swing. As she's getting up, the swing comes back and hits her right in the face.

I won't say that that's how my life has been, but I will say that I believe that that's how a curveball feels.

Warning: I'm gonna be pretty transparent today, so if that's not your style, I'd advise you to just click away and go on with your life. I promise I won't be offended.

Don't get me wrong, 2015 has been an amazing year. I've actually had one of the best years of my entire life, and that's something I haven't been able to say for a while. But having an amazing year doesn't mask the difficult few months I've experienced. Friends I've had for years have picked up and moved away, I'm having some medical hurdles that I'm still dealing with today, recurring anxiety at an all time high... it really hasn't been a period I'd put in the history books.  But this has been my curveball: my unexpected, surprising, and disruptive chain of events that makes it seems like I'm stopped in my tracks and chained to concrete.  

For all the good and beautiful things I have in my life, there's also so much sadness.  I've been rejected, told 'no', and received not-so-stellar news so many times this year that it's started to feed the self-doubt and anxiety in the innermost parts of my being that I thought were gone and locked away.  It's made me think... are my friends truly my friends? Do I know who I am? Am I doing the right thing?  

And so, not purposely, I feel myself fading into the walls; my volume has been muted and my presence has become blended into the world. That's not how I should be. If I could compare my personality to anything, it'd be that amazing 64 pack of crayons everyone in your elementary classes were jealous of.  Recently, though, I'm just the gray one. Maybe the blue ones, but mostly the gray one.  I'm ready to be more than gray, though.  I'm slowly painting myself a different array of colors. I prefer that life, anyways.

Sometimes, when we hear things we really don't want to hear, it's not the worst thing in the entire world.  Sure, on top of the other medical conundrums I have to deal with on a daily basis, having a little bit of a memory problem is real scary at 22, but I'm working harder and harder each day to learn why this is happening to me; once I find out, I'm gonna tackle this like I do every problem: prayer, community, and a can of whoopin's.  But first, I can't let all these things consume my entire being.

And about those darn "no's" we hate to hear:  a part of me really likes them.  I definitely get discouraged hearing them, but it helps me strive to get closer to the end goal: one yes.  Pouring your whole heart into something to finally get that yes is the greatest feeling. All those "no's" won't know what they're missing out on.

There was this quote I saw once about curveballs that went like this:  "When life throws a curveball at you, they're not meant to be dodged.  They are meant to hit you, to mold and shape you to become the person you are meant to be.  Enjoy the impact, smile, and move on"  I, personally, don't want balls hitting me and beating me down... that'd just be degrading to myself.  So I'll leave you with this:

When life throws a curveball, swing.  Swing that sucker out of the park.  Show it who's boss and who's got your back.  At the end of the day, a curveball is just a curveball.  There's nothing to be scared of.  Have faith and swing.

This is a Blog About Laser Cats,

Among other things, as well. But mostly laser cats.

For as long as I've been alive, I've been fearful.  Fearful of rejection, failure, those comments behind my back when people ask each other "who does this girl think she is" or "why is she the way she is". But about a year ago, I decided to turn my life upside down: change jobs, live on my own, make new friends, and pick up some new hobbies along the way.  Because of all of this, I thought I was going to wake up one morning and all of a sudden be the coolest person on the planet with style even fashion bloggers would envy and all these amazing talents that I may have been able to make money off of. I realized soon after that life isn't that easy.

I realized that the things I appreciate and the people I love aren't your average people on the street. You could take away all their money, things, and luxuries in life and they'd still be happy with person-to-person quality time and a garbage bag.  They'd still be doing those things they were passionate about and, to be frank, wouldn't give a crap what anyone thought.

Life is risk.

Upon realizing this, it's been an interesting journey.  I'm striving to be on a path to be a person I'm terrified by and equally obsessed with.  I realized that if I wanted to do cool stuff, I should do cool stuff.  If cool stuff is going to work and learning every intricate detail of each coffee I sell on a daily basis, I'm going to do it.  But this doesn't just apply to me.  If you think cool stuff is pulling out your guitar and singing songs that you don't know the chords or words to, do it.  If cool stuff is finding the latest clothing trends and seeing how you can do them yourself, do it.

And if cool stuff is going on Tumblr and finding dozens of pictures of cats in space with lasers coming out of their eyes... well, you get it by now.

Whatever 'it' is, I urge you to do it.  Don't let people scare you into being someone else because they were too scared to be who they wanted to.  Let your mind wander and let yourself be the person you've always wanted to be.

Besides, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.

The Enemy in the First,

Tonight, I want to be vulnerable with whomever decides to read this.  To whoever thinks reading my blog for a few minutes is worth even a small bit of their time, I just want to be open, honest, and up front. As typing this will help me bring this issue to light and possibly be the start of overcoming this, I hope those of you dealing with this particular struggle will join me in battling this together.

I am insecure.

When people see this sentence, many immediately think of someone with a terrible self esteem. Someone who does not see the beauty and amazing things bestowed upon them.  If you're an avid reader of my blog, you would know that I'd usually make a contradicting sentence to go with this. But this time, I can't. This is the type of person I am, and hope to not be in the near future.

If I wear too tight of a shirt, I'm afraid people will judge my stomach.
If I laugh too loud, I'm afraid I'll only be loved for my laugh.
If I get too energetic around people, I'm afraid people will find me too overbearing.
If I sing too loud in worship, I'm afraid people will find me insane and turning into a showoff.

If I do this, then people will think this.

I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not thin enough.
I'm not smart enough.

I'm not _________ enough.  And I never will be.

You know what sucks about insecurity?  This. When you have thought after thought come in your head saying you can't do something... but you can't fight it. You feel that what is being said in your head is you. That you are the one telling yourself that you are the failure. That you are the screw up. That YOU are the one.

On Friday, a group of young adults and I went down to Ashtabula, Ohio, for a worship service. And every time I go, it's always a different experience. Whether it be getting prophetic word from a person, feeling the overflow of the Spirit in me, or just leaving liberated... something happens.  It's really a freeing experience, and I'm definitely the one of many that push my peers to go. One thing that gets to me though?  My worship.  I'm loud. I'm shameless. I'm the one screaming my praise so boldly sometimes that I'm hoping the enemy craps his pants at the shrill sound of my screams.  The one thing I fight while I worship though (every single time) is the fact that I don't want people to judge me. I shouldn't be doing this. God's not even going to hear you, anyways.

Through persistent prayer that night, God revealed this to me:  He is going to speak directly to me. Sort of like in the second person. When God speaks to me, He is going to tell me all the things He, personally, thinks about me. He's gonna say things like...

You are beautiful.
You have all My love.
You are strong in Me.
You are loved.
You are okay.

God is going to speak life into you. To say the cliche answer, if it's good, it's from God. He is never going to put you down, tell you you're not good enough, or make you think you will never amount to anything. God is honest; He is going to speak directly to you. How cool is that?!

Now, the enemy... that pesky little Devil. He's a trickster. Even in scripture, it says that Satan is the Father of Lies. If that doesn't give you an indicator as to where this is going and you haven't gotten it from the title of this post yet, I'll give it to you straight. The enemy gets in your head by speaking in the first person.  Those thoughts of I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, and God doesn't love me... among others? Totally the pit of hell, my friends.

Think about it, though... when you are thinking that you're the one saying these terrible things about yourself, how can you fight back with your own brain? How can you fight back thoughts that you think are coming from your own mind... the mind God has created? And if God created your mind and your mind is speaking death and degrading comments into your mind, does God think that way about you?

First off, know that that is not God. As much as we may think it is, those thoughts are not God and never will be. I could go on forever on how God thinks of you and how awesome you are, but that would be enough for another blog post, so I'm going to send you to this short study instead. They're a lot more knowledgeable in that department, anyways.

Okay, back on track. So, they're not of God. And second... Satan is going to use his best weapon to tear you down. That weapon, if you haven't guessed yet, is yourself. Your thoughts, your actions, your innermost secrets and struggles and past stuff buried deep. He's gonna unearth that like a ruthless pirate and destroy everything in his path.  But the most amazing thing about having God on our side is the fact that we have the power to tell the enemy one, simple word:  no.

We have the power and authority to tell all from the pit of Hell that whatever negative lives inside us, big or small, doesn't belong anywhere near us. We are children of God. We are precious, bought at a high price... so high that no amount of money on this Earth can match or exceed it. We are protected by the blood of Christ. And (coolest thing ever) we have been saved by the Son, who has already fought the battles and won the war on our behalf.

God is bigger than me, who is bigger than my insecurities, my circumstances, my struggles, my health, my job situation, my demons... fill in the blank. This week, I encourage you to join me. When Hell decides to tug your strings and try to play you like a marionette, dragging you along to the beat of all that is evil... all you have to do is stand tall, stand confident in the Lord, and show him where he belongs.

Show the Devil he's wrong. He's always been wrong. And he always will be.

A Promise to my Future Husband,

So... remember my last blog post that said I wouldn't take two or three months to write again?  Well, it's been six months.  A lot has happened in that period, but we'll save that for another time. It's definitely a wild ride!

The Lord has really been convicting me of this form of media, and after a few conversations sparked it last night, I thought I'd write all about it.

Ladies, I bet you've had some of these thoughts:  I wish I had a man that could kiss me the way Noah Calhoun does with Allie Hamilton.  I would love to have a man as charismatic and protective as Augustus Waters.  Can I be blessed with someone who can dance like Johnny Castle?

I'm sure the questions are brewing and those gears in your heads, ladies and gents both, are starting to turn.  The romance genre?  All girls like romance!  It's all we talk about!

For some women, that's very true.  I love myself a feel-good book that gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I read it (I'll read The Fault in our Stars ten times over any day and shamelessly cried while watching the movie alone as my roommates were having dates with their boyfriends), or a movie that will give me the same feeling of euphoria and giddiness each time I watch a kiss in the rain or a sensual ballroom dance. But it's time to be honest: each time I watch a movie or read a book with these certain things, I feel that I start building expectations on men, especially those I find interest in.  As silly as it sounds, I have started calling these outlets of media "emotional porn".  Let me explain.

In personal experience, when I have one of those weeks where all I want is a companion in my life and spiral in this never-ending hole of romance films, there starts to form this foundation of expectation with every little detail of men that I meet. And since these men in these outlets are fictional, it puts an unachievable expectation on any man I come in contact with.  And for guys that are dragged into their theaters and living rooms to watch these movies with their significant others, it puts an expectation on them. Questions of doubt start to form: Am I doing all I can to satisfy her? Will she love me if I do _____? What will happen if I don't?

Sorry, ladies: your future husband probably isn't going to have chiseled abs that can destroy boulders or a smile that'll cure world hunger.  He's going to be an average man. He's going to make mistakes. He might not know what to do when you're on your period or know exactly what to do every time you have a bad day. He's going to probably have a mole on his butt and burn some bacon in your time together. But the coolest thing about relationships is the fact that the two of you will experience life together... the ups and downs, the growth, the plateaus, when times seem tough and when times are fantastic.  As a couple, you stand strong and unified. And that's nothing they can depict in a two-hour film or 200 pages in a book.

And gentlemen, here's something from lady to dude:  I get it.  Everyone talks about how women feel like they have a standard to meet and they don't feel beautiful or needed until a man comes in their lives and says it themselves.  But I get it. You have an unmeetable standard, as well. You have to be the breadwinner.  Know about cars and hunt and cook on grills. Shoot guns. Manly things. Have that chiseled body, straight teeth, muscles on top of muscles. Have a tough exterior but a soft inside... like a Milky Way candy bar. I get it. I finally get it. There is an insane standard placed on you, as well. And for both sides of the spectrum, it's unfair for the both of us.

Like Jesus makes a covenant with us, marriage is just that: a covenant. A promise. A binding commitment. And though it may be a while before I find that "one", I want to be able to write him a solid, God-based promise. So...

Hello, future husband.

I don't know you, and you surely don't know me. Maybe we talk daily, I make your coffee at Starbucks sometimes, we're passing strangers in this huge city, or you're on the other side of the country and I've never seen your face. I don't know. God works in mysterious ways, so you could be anywhere at this very moment. And that's so cool for me to think about. Us finding each other is already an adventure!

I don't seek for you to meet nit-picky standards. I don't seek for you to be of visual or mental competence. I seek for you to be the one the Lord has made for me. Like two puzzle pieces perfectly fitting together. But I do hope you are strong in your faith.  That each step you take and every word you speak is of the Lord. When you wake up in the morning and when you hit your bed to sleep for the night, I hope you worship Him for all the amazing things He's already done in your life and for the things He will do in and through you. You are God's prized creation, and I hope to know you someday so I can see the amazing transformation He has made in you.

I know we are not going to be perfect. We are going to have our struggles. I'm going to have habits that you don't like; you're going to have habits that I'm not going to like. We're going to go through dark times and will have times where we'll want to take a break from it all. But I know that, with the Lord at the center of our relationship, we will conquer anything the enemy throws at us.

Please know that I pray for you. Every single day, I pray for you. I praise your successes and, from a distance, ask for comfort and support in your struggles. I pray that God brings us together in His timing and that nothing is rushed. Every detail in our relationship is mapped out, and I am committed to following that path to the last step.

I promise to not put an unachievable expectation on you. You're probably not going to be able to dance like Johnny Castle. Or leave presents on my doorstep every morning. You probably won't have a cliche million dollar smile. There are things about you will gross me out. Maybe you'll have uncontrollable gas, I don't know. But I promise to never compare you to fiction. I will never tell you that what you're doing is sub par and what someone on the other side of a television screen is doing is more worthy of my time and energy. You're not a fantasy, you will be my reality. What you're doing is enough. What you're already doing is enough. You will find ways to show your love to me, and I will find ways to show love to you. That will speak more volumes that taking me outside every time it rains and seeing what happens.

I promise to be someone you can laugh with.  When goodness comes in our midst, when celebration is at hand, I promise to laugh with you. And when things aren't going too hot, I hope we will find things to laugh about. If anything, we can find a weird video on the Internet and we can laugh at how weird my cackles are. I've been told it's pretty funny.

I promise to be someone you can lean on. When you're feeling like the world is crumbling all around you, I hope the Lord can use me to show you that there's still hope. Look up Joshua 1:9... that scripture is for those times when we feel overwhelmed or out of control. God's got you in His hand... you're covered! You can do this!  And if you're going through something now, you've got this! I believe in you.

I promise to be there when your past comes to haunt you. In John 10, Jesus talks about how the enemy comes to seek and destroy all that is good in our lives, and all those demons are real good at using our pasts to make us stumble. I hope to be able to encourage you and pray with you through that time. You are a conquerer!  As a result, Romans 8:18 says this:  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Hold fast, the glory is coming!

I promise to shut up sometimes. Even if you need to force me to. God is showing me that I talk way too much sometimes, and I'm learning that the best conversations happen when I'm quiet and just listen. That's when He can work through me! Through my silence, I hope the Holy Spirit can invade my thoughts and let me speak what you need to hear, in good times and bad.

I promise to be someone you learn from and with.  When we meet, you and I are going to have such little knowledge of God and all He has done and will do with our lives. My hope is that we can do things together, and not just the fun and exciting things. I'm hoping we can pray about anything together, study, talk, and be open about our questions. Life is just a never-ending classroom, and I hope that, at the end of our lives, we can both come out as valedictorian.

And lastly, I promise to make you second place.  That's right. You will not be first place. And I hope I'm not your first place. I hope you love God so much that He has overtaken this huge mass in your heart, that He has manifested himself into every fiber of your being. So much so, that it would be forever impossible for me to one-up Him. I hope you understand and can follow suit.

I hope to be able to meet you soon. For awesome conversation and fun hangouts. For hugs and dancing. For tears and sorrow. I can't wait to experience life and all of God's glory with you.

♥

Summer Reading,

Holy birthday cake, I haven't written on my blog in a while!  Well hello, those of you that actually keep up with my blog!  I hope you all are well and healthy as the summer is starting up! Well, I decided to write this update because I thought I'd try and keep myself accountable on at least once thing:  summer reading.

I have an obsession with a few things, and sometimes it becomes unhealthy.  Among those things are books.  I'm one to scurry to the book section at work and browse all the newest releases as I'm waiting for a ride home, or spend hours at a time reading up on new books to add to my reading list. And usually, I'm pretty good at finishing all my books in a decent amount of time so that I can move on to other ones. But this year, because of work, EYA, small groups, and countless other things, I've been buying more books than I've been reading! That's not good at all! So after organizing my bookshelves, I decided to pull out 10 books and start a summer reading list.

1. You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado - I picked this book up just because everyone talks about how great Max Lucado's books are, to be honest.  But after actually opening it up and reading the side flaps, I really got into what the premise of this book is all about:  when you're thrown into a pit, there really is no easy exit.  I'm real excited to start this book, and I promise there will be tons of highlighter marks in it!
2. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky - I'm gonna confess: I watched the movie first. And I know I'm gonna get my head ripped off by a ton of Perks fans, but I thought it was finally time to read the book, especially since it's been sitting in my closet for over a year and I thoroughly enjoy the film.
3. Monster by Walter Dean Myers - This book is like a treasure of mine. In high school, this was one of the books that hooked me into reading again, even though it was more targeted to a male audience.  It was the grittiest and most raw book I was able to get my freshman hands on, and I was instantly hooked to this particular fiction genre. Plus, with the recent loss of Mr. Myers, I thought this would be a perfect way to pay homage to him.
4. The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkerson - A while ago, a friend of mine recommended this book to me. Modern day parables? Ordinary and the Land of Familiar? Is this some kind of Dr. Seuss book?!  But after reading countless reviews from many people, including Pastor Rick Warren and Michael Tait of the newsboys, I thought I'd give it a chance.
5. Fly a Little Higher by Laura Sobiech - This book tells the heartwarming but equally heartbreaking story of Laura's son, Zach, who became an Internet sensation after being featured on SoulPancake talking about his cancer, a rare form of bone cancer called Osteosarcoma.  I read the first 60 pages and it was absolutely incredible; I'm hoping I can get the time to read it this year!
6. Looking for Alaska by John Green - I know that everyone and their mother knows about The Fault in our Stars by now (which was a Nerdfighter secret for years before the movie trailers even got released), but fun facts for you:  two of his other books are turning into movies, too! One of them is Looking for Alaska, and thus being the reason I'm revisiting this John Green classic.
7. Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick - I've heard countless good things about this particular book, and I've definitely enjoyed his sophomore novel, Greater. It just made sense to read his first book! Hopefully it lives up to all the hype!
8. Seriously, I'm Kidding by Ellen DeGeneres - I love Ellen. Who doesn't love Ellen?
9. Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer - When I was first attending Chi Alpha, a college ministry in my town, the same friend that recommended The Dream Giver was starting a small group with this book and invited me to it. Since I didn't know her very well and really didn't have the money for the book, I kindly declined, but I was still extremely curious as to what it was about. So, I picked up a cheap copy at Walmart, put down a day to start it and (you know where this is going, huh?) put it on my bookshelf and never touched it again. That's all gonna change!
10. This Star Won't Go Out by Esther, Lori, and Wayne Earl - This book is similar to Fly a Little Higher, except this is a compilation of diaries, poems, pictures, blog posts, and art from Esther Earl, a young gal in the Nerdfighter community who passed away of another rare form of cancer, this time thyroid cancer, a few years ago.  In the 100 pages I read of it, Esther is poised and full of knowledge, eager to share her life with so many people. Lori and Wayne have graciously decided to share their daughter's entire life with the world, and I'm so glad I'll be able to finish reading all about her.

So, that's my pending reading list for the summer! Let's start a conversation about this, bibliophiles! What's on your summer reading list?  Have you read any of these titles?  And are there any books I should be reading?  I'd love to know all your thoughts!

And I promise it won't take me two or three months to update again. I've got a lot going on, so that means a lot to write about... eventually!

On the Friend Zone,

Now, I'm no expert in dating.  I've been a single gal for over six years, so I'm more familiar with being single than the concept of being in a relationship.  In fact, romantic relationships in general are an unknown to me.  But a reoccurring conversation I keep having with some of my guy friends and a guy I had rejected have made this post what it is.

The friend zone.  Oh, the dreaded friend zone. We all feel like we've been in the friend zone at least once in our lives.  And if you don't know the feeling, I'll define it like this:  you have feelings for someone, but they don't see it the way you do. And there's this myth going around that nice people get put in this said friend zone, simply for being nice.  But that's not the case at all.  Friends get put in the friend zone because they're being, wait for it... friendly.

I had a conversation with one of my guy friends recently.  After months of us being friends, he throws the bomb on me that he had feelings for me and wondered why I didn't respond to his advances.  The only thing I could really even say was, "Well, I thought you were just being nice."  Holding doors, grabbing my jacket, having a casual conversation, like you do with anyone else, doesn't show someone you have a special interest in them.

And that's what I had to realize about my own actions.  I come across as a generally friendly person (I hope), and if I like someone, it sometimes is shaded by the fact that I act the same way to everyone, so they assume I'm being friendly with them.  Sure, I get angry, but at the end of it, I just gained another cool friend! Isn't that something to celebrate, rather than get angry about?

I know this is a really weird topic for a single lady to talk about, since people my age are always talking about how terrible their singleness is and how people always push them to the side.  But I'm gonna be sort of brutally honest, and this is something I had to learn in the many years I've been looking for my Prince Charming:  nobody owes you anything for being nice, and the people you have interest in don't, either.  In this life, we're supposed to be nice to people.  You don't get a cookie or an award for doing stuff that you should be doing anyway.  So that means these few things:

1. If you express your feelings to someone and they don't have the same mindset as you, respect it.
2. Don't pressure your love interest on a date to 'change their mind'. All that's going to do is push you further away from them.
3. And don't spam their social media or personal numbers either with date advances. You'll be digging yourself into an even deeper hole than before.
4. Don't question it. No one can control their feelings, so asking someone "what's wrong with me that you can't give me a chance" is one of those unanswerable questions, unless you're willing to bury yourself in said hole.
5. Still stay connected with them. To that other person, your friendship means something to them.  Your heart may be broken, but is it really worth cutting off a friendship?

I've had interest in many guys during this single time.  Musicians, guys in my church groups, businessmen, football players, filmmakers, a guy in the Navy, a radio DJ in San Antonio, and one of the regulars I used to serve at Starbucks.  And though none of these guys have ever returned my feelings, I've grown to have so many new and cool friends that can get things that're too high for me to reach, open pickle jars, and have my back when we go out.  I've learned to realize that I appreciate those things way more than having a boyfriend.  If a man comes in my life that is willing to be a part of my life and I feel the same about him, I will welcome him with open arms and an even more open heart.  But until then, I'm being shown what a Godly man looks like, and that's way more than I can ask for.

Instead of getting angry at being 'friend zone'd, be grateful.  Maybe that person wasn't for you.  Maybe you weren't for them.  But be grateful that you have a new connection made in the infinite connections we are blessed to have.  It doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be worthwhile in the end.

What I Was Going to Talk About at Small Group... Until Last Night,

Scriptures to Accommodate Discussion:  John 13:15-16, Ephesians 2:10, Mark 10:45

When I was a senior in high school, my high school put on a production of “Beauty and the Beast”.  It was a musical that, as soon as I heard we were going to do it, I was so set on being in.  And the part I wanted to be?  Mrs. Potts.  I wanted to be the one on center stage, singing the iconic Disney classic for the entire school and the parents and families that would be coming.  So, I prayed for the part.  Along with that, I prayed to be used to minister to the kids that didn’t know Christ during the production of the play.  I prayed and prayed until the moment of the audition, when I sang the song in front of a few peers and four audition scouts that were volunteering.  And when I was finished singing, I had this feeling that I had gotten the part.  I was gonna be the best Mrs. Potts, and I was going to make some kids Christian in the process.

But that wasn’t really how it all worked out.  About a week later, I got an email from the musical director with the cast list.  And you may have already figured it out, but if you haven’t, sorry for the spoiler:  no, I didn’t get Mrs. Potts.  I didn’t get Mrs. Potts, or Chip, or even one of Gaston’s stalkers.  The part I had received was the Enchantress, the character that shows up in the first few moments of the film, turns Prince Adam into the Beast, and vanishes, never to be seen the rest of the duration of the film.  I was angry, wondering why God didn’t deliver what I wanted, so I pulled out of the musical immediately.

What I had realized later in life was that God did give me what I asked for.  He didn’t give me the exact place or position I wanted, but He did give me the opportunity to serve and minister to those who didn’t know Him.  I prayed to minister to those people, He gave it to me, and I denied the job He presented.  Instead of feeding my serving heart like I had intended, I decided to feed my ego, and my ego was anything but happy.  And that’s dangerous!  When you start to feed your ego and malnourish your serving heart, you start to believe that serving is all about YOU, when it’s supposed to be all about HIM.

I’ve been leading our Pre-service Prayer team at Erie Young Adults for a few months now, and it’s been awesome, but it’s also been a learning experience for me.  When some of them pray, and I do it too, we use this common term:  Use me.  Use me to lead them to You.  Use me to help You.  Use me, use me, use me.  But sometimes, your “use me” can turn into a “use me… more than everyone else”, especially when you’re feeding your forever-starving ego.  And I confess, this is something I have trouble with sometimes.  At one point, I did this so much that I started to turn being used by God as my personal Savior… essentially using being used.

As our ministries get bigger, whether they be our individual interactions, small groups, young adult and youth groups, and church establishments, we must also get smaller.  What we have to remember is this:  imagine that God is the entire universe.  Yeah… that universe.  Gigantic, infinite, no edge.  Compared to this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge, you are an itty, bitty star, suspended in this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge.  You, as this tiny star, would not be able to be suspended in the vast emptiness of space without the universe holding you up and giving you life.  You would not be able to live and breathe on this Earth without God giving you the breath you breathe and the ground to walk on.

When serving and praying for opportunities to serve, we should ask God to “use anybody” he wants instead of just using us individually.  Instead of praying that you’ll be used and being granted applaud less, mundane opportunities to serve, pray that He just moves and participate in the joy that will come.

Think about Jesus’ ministry for a minute.  Sure, He fed the 5,000, raised the dead, healed people left and right, but at the end of the day, he only ministered to 12 people.  And with today’s standards, Jesus’ ministry was an epic failure.  That’s right, I said it:  Jesus’ ministry was a failure.  But think about how the church has turned today!  I saw a post from one church saying that they brought 40 people to salvation on Easter and that if “you want saved, come to a service“.  I’ve heard leaders from organizations get more excited over the number of people coming to the services than the number of people being served and growing each week.  This is happening at many of our churches to many of our leaders, even ourselves, and we don’t even realize it because it’s become such a norm.  Sometimes, I feel like the church is being fueled on numbers, rather than salvation and the message of Jesus, and because of that, I feel like it’s rubbing off on other Christians as it being ‘okay’ to feed our inner-most egos.  At the end of the day, we’re in it for Jesus, not ourselves.

When I first accepted Christ, I would never go out and do serving stuff.  I would make excuses and say that it "wasn't my spiritual gifting to serve, but rather to preach".  And a friend of mine said something pretty cool that I still hold with me today:  If we don’t wanna hold a toilet brush, we have no business holding a microphone.

I really feel like we can apply this to our personal serving heart, not just in the situation of cleaning toilets.  Jesus hung out with the lowest of people.  Prostitutes, lepers, tax collectors, the homeless… He got on their level.  Instead of feeding our forever-starving ego, why can’t we be like Jesus and just get on their level?  Being human towards others sends more of a message than acting superior.  Remember:  messengers are never greater than the One who sent them.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned in life, from the serving incident, the Mrs. Potts denial, and just all throughout childhood, is that life is not all about me.  And you know what?  It never will be.  As Christ-followers, our actions will never be about us.  It’ll always be about God and what he did for each and every one of us, so we could be granted eternal life forever.  Instead of praying that God use you more than the rest, pray that God moves and that you wouldn’t miss the joy.  Open your eyes so wide so you can see it and be a part of it, even if it means you aren’t the star.