The Enemy in the First,

Tonight, I want to be vulnerable with whomever decides to read this.  To whoever thinks reading my blog for a few minutes is worth even a small bit of their time, I just want to be open, honest, and up front. As typing this will help me bring this issue to light and possibly be the start of overcoming this, I hope those of you dealing with this particular struggle will join me in battling this together.

I am insecure.

When people see this sentence, many immediately think of someone with a terrible self esteem. Someone who does not see the beauty and amazing things bestowed upon them.  If you're an avid reader of my blog, you would know that I'd usually make a contradicting sentence to go with this. But this time, I can't. This is the type of person I am, and hope to not be in the near future.

If I wear too tight of a shirt, I'm afraid people will judge my stomach.
If I laugh too loud, I'm afraid I'll only be loved for my laugh.
If I get too energetic around people, I'm afraid people will find me too overbearing.
If I sing too loud in worship, I'm afraid people will find me insane and turning into a showoff.

If I do this, then people will think this.

I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not thin enough.
I'm not smart enough.

I'm not _________ enough.  And I never will be.

You know what sucks about insecurity?  This. When you have thought after thought come in your head saying you can't do something... but you can't fight it. You feel that what is being said in your head is you. That you are the one telling yourself that you are the failure. That you are the screw up. That YOU are the one.

On Friday, a group of young adults and I went down to Ashtabula, Ohio, for a worship service. And every time I go, it's always a different experience. Whether it be getting prophetic word from a person, feeling the overflow of the Spirit in me, or just leaving liberated... something happens.  It's really a freeing experience, and I'm definitely the one of many that push my peers to go. One thing that gets to me though?  My worship.  I'm loud. I'm shameless. I'm the one screaming my praise so boldly sometimes that I'm hoping the enemy craps his pants at the shrill sound of my screams.  The one thing I fight while I worship though (every single time) is the fact that I don't want people to judge me. I shouldn't be doing this. God's not even going to hear you, anyways.

Through persistent prayer that night, God revealed this to me:  He is going to speak directly to me. Sort of like in the second person. When God speaks to me, He is going to tell me all the things He, personally, thinks about me. He's gonna say things like...

You are beautiful.
You have all My love.
You are strong in Me.
You are loved.
You are okay.

God is going to speak life into you. To say the cliche answer, if it's good, it's from God. He is never going to put you down, tell you you're not good enough, or make you think you will never amount to anything. God is honest; He is going to speak directly to you. How cool is that?!

Now, the enemy... that pesky little Devil. He's a trickster. Even in scripture, it says that Satan is the Father of Lies. If that doesn't give you an indicator as to where this is going and you haven't gotten it from the title of this post yet, I'll give it to you straight. The enemy gets in your head by speaking in the first person.  Those thoughts of I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, and God doesn't love me... among others? Totally the pit of hell, my friends.

Think about it, though... when you are thinking that you're the one saying these terrible things about yourself, how can you fight back with your own brain? How can you fight back thoughts that you think are coming from your own mind... the mind God has created? And if God created your mind and your mind is speaking death and degrading comments into your mind, does God think that way about you?

First off, know that that is not God. As much as we may think it is, those thoughts are not God and never will be. I could go on forever on how God thinks of you and how awesome you are, but that would be enough for another blog post, so I'm going to send you to this short study instead. They're a lot more knowledgeable in that department, anyways.

Okay, back on track. So, they're not of God. And second... Satan is going to use his best weapon to tear you down. That weapon, if you haven't guessed yet, is yourself. Your thoughts, your actions, your innermost secrets and struggles and past stuff buried deep. He's gonna unearth that like a ruthless pirate and destroy everything in his path.  But the most amazing thing about having God on our side is the fact that we have the power to tell the enemy one, simple word:  no.

We have the power and authority to tell all from the pit of Hell that whatever negative lives inside us, big or small, doesn't belong anywhere near us. We are children of God. We are precious, bought at a high price... so high that no amount of money on this Earth can match or exceed it. We are protected by the blood of Christ. And (coolest thing ever) we have been saved by the Son, who has already fought the battles and won the war on our behalf.

God is bigger than me, who is bigger than my insecurities, my circumstances, my struggles, my health, my job situation, my demons... fill in the blank. This week, I encourage you to join me. When Hell decides to tug your strings and try to play you like a marionette, dragging you along to the beat of all that is evil... all you have to do is stand tall, stand confident in the Lord, and show him where he belongs.

Show the Devil he's wrong. He's always been wrong. And he always will be.

On the Friend Zone,

Now, I'm no expert in dating.  I've been a single gal for over six years, so I'm more familiar with being single than the concept of being in a relationship.  In fact, romantic relationships in general are an unknown to me.  But a reoccurring conversation I keep having with some of my guy friends and a guy I had rejected have made this post what it is.

The friend zone.  Oh, the dreaded friend zone. We all feel like we've been in the friend zone at least once in our lives.  And if you don't know the feeling, I'll define it like this:  you have feelings for someone, but they don't see it the way you do. And there's this myth going around that nice people get put in this said friend zone, simply for being nice.  But that's not the case at all.  Friends get put in the friend zone because they're being, wait for it... friendly.

I had a conversation with one of my guy friends recently.  After months of us being friends, he throws the bomb on me that he had feelings for me and wondered why I didn't respond to his advances.  The only thing I could really even say was, "Well, I thought you were just being nice."  Holding doors, grabbing my jacket, having a casual conversation, like you do with anyone else, doesn't show someone you have a special interest in them.

And that's what I had to realize about my own actions.  I come across as a generally friendly person (I hope), and if I like someone, it sometimes is shaded by the fact that I act the same way to everyone, so they assume I'm being friendly with them.  Sure, I get angry, but at the end of it, I just gained another cool friend! Isn't that something to celebrate, rather than get angry about?

I know this is a really weird topic for a single lady to talk about, since people my age are always talking about how terrible their singleness is and how people always push them to the side.  But I'm gonna be sort of brutally honest, and this is something I had to learn in the many years I've been looking for my Prince Charming:  nobody owes you anything for being nice, and the people you have interest in don't, either.  In this life, we're supposed to be nice to people.  You don't get a cookie or an award for doing stuff that you should be doing anyway.  So that means these few things:

1. If you express your feelings to someone and they don't have the same mindset as you, respect it.
2. Don't pressure your love interest on a date to 'change their mind'. All that's going to do is push you further away from them.
3. And don't spam their social media or personal numbers either with date advances. You'll be digging yourself into an even deeper hole than before.
4. Don't question it. No one can control their feelings, so asking someone "what's wrong with me that you can't give me a chance" is one of those unanswerable questions, unless you're willing to bury yourself in said hole.
5. Still stay connected with them. To that other person, your friendship means something to them.  Your heart may be broken, but is it really worth cutting off a friendship?

I've had interest in many guys during this single time.  Musicians, guys in my church groups, businessmen, football players, filmmakers, a guy in the Navy, a radio DJ in San Antonio, and one of the regulars I used to serve at Starbucks.  And though none of these guys have ever returned my feelings, I've grown to have so many new and cool friends that can get things that're too high for me to reach, open pickle jars, and have my back when we go out.  I've learned to realize that I appreciate those things way more than having a boyfriend.  If a man comes in my life that is willing to be a part of my life and I feel the same about him, I will welcome him with open arms and an even more open heart.  But until then, I'm being shown what a Godly man looks like, and that's way more than I can ask for.

Instead of getting angry at being 'friend zone'd, be grateful.  Maybe that person wasn't for you.  Maybe you weren't for them.  But be grateful that you have a new connection made in the infinite connections we are blessed to have.  It doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be worthwhile in the end.

What I Was Going to Talk About at Small Group... Until Last Night,

Scriptures to Accommodate Discussion:  John 13:15-16, Ephesians 2:10, Mark 10:45

When I was a senior in high school, my high school put on a production of “Beauty and the Beast”.  It was a musical that, as soon as I heard we were going to do it, I was so set on being in.  And the part I wanted to be?  Mrs. Potts.  I wanted to be the one on center stage, singing the iconic Disney classic for the entire school and the parents and families that would be coming.  So, I prayed for the part.  Along with that, I prayed to be used to minister to the kids that didn’t know Christ during the production of the play.  I prayed and prayed until the moment of the audition, when I sang the song in front of a few peers and four audition scouts that were volunteering.  And when I was finished singing, I had this feeling that I had gotten the part.  I was gonna be the best Mrs. Potts, and I was going to make some kids Christian in the process.

But that wasn’t really how it all worked out.  About a week later, I got an email from the musical director with the cast list.  And you may have already figured it out, but if you haven’t, sorry for the spoiler:  no, I didn’t get Mrs. Potts.  I didn’t get Mrs. Potts, or Chip, or even one of Gaston’s stalkers.  The part I had received was the Enchantress, the character that shows up in the first few moments of the film, turns Prince Adam into the Beast, and vanishes, never to be seen the rest of the duration of the film.  I was angry, wondering why God didn’t deliver what I wanted, so I pulled out of the musical immediately.

What I had realized later in life was that God did give me what I asked for.  He didn’t give me the exact place or position I wanted, but He did give me the opportunity to serve and minister to those who didn’t know Him.  I prayed to minister to those people, He gave it to me, and I denied the job He presented.  Instead of feeding my serving heart like I had intended, I decided to feed my ego, and my ego was anything but happy.  And that’s dangerous!  When you start to feed your ego and malnourish your serving heart, you start to believe that serving is all about YOU, when it’s supposed to be all about HIM.

I’ve been leading our Pre-service Prayer team at Erie Young Adults for a few months now, and it’s been awesome, but it’s also been a learning experience for me.  When some of them pray, and I do it too, we use this common term:  Use me.  Use me to lead them to You.  Use me to help You.  Use me, use me, use me.  But sometimes, your “use me” can turn into a “use me… more than everyone else”, especially when you’re feeding your forever-starving ego.  And I confess, this is something I have trouble with sometimes.  At one point, I did this so much that I started to turn being used by God as my personal Savior… essentially using being used.

As our ministries get bigger, whether they be our individual interactions, small groups, young adult and youth groups, and church establishments, we must also get smaller.  What we have to remember is this:  imagine that God is the entire universe.  Yeah… that universe.  Gigantic, infinite, no edge.  Compared to this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge, you are an itty, bitty star, suspended in this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge.  You, as this tiny star, would not be able to be suspended in the vast emptiness of space without the universe holding you up and giving you life.  You would not be able to live and breathe on this Earth without God giving you the breath you breathe and the ground to walk on.

When serving and praying for opportunities to serve, we should ask God to “use anybody” he wants instead of just using us individually.  Instead of praying that you’ll be used and being granted applaud less, mundane opportunities to serve, pray that He just moves and participate in the joy that will come.

Think about Jesus’ ministry for a minute.  Sure, He fed the 5,000, raised the dead, healed people left and right, but at the end of the day, he only ministered to 12 people.  And with today’s standards, Jesus’ ministry was an epic failure.  That’s right, I said it:  Jesus’ ministry was a failure.  But think about how the church has turned today!  I saw a post from one church saying that they brought 40 people to salvation on Easter and that if “you want saved, come to a service“.  I’ve heard leaders from organizations get more excited over the number of people coming to the services than the number of people being served and growing each week.  This is happening at many of our churches to many of our leaders, even ourselves, and we don’t even realize it because it’s become such a norm.  Sometimes, I feel like the church is being fueled on numbers, rather than salvation and the message of Jesus, and because of that, I feel like it’s rubbing off on other Christians as it being ‘okay’ to feed our inner-most egos.  At the end of the day, we’re in it for Jesus, not ourselves.

When I first accepted Christ, I would never go out and do serving stuff.  I would make excuses and say that it "wasn't my spiritual gifting to serve, but rather to preach".  And a friend of mine said something pretty cool that I still hold with me today:  If we don’t wanna hold a toilet brush, we have no business holding a microphone.

I really feel like we can apply this to our personal serving heart, not just in the situation of cleaning toilets.  Jesus hung out with the lowest of people.  Prostitutes, lepers, tax collectors, the homeless… He got on their level.  Instead of feeding our forever-starving ego, why can’t we be like Jesus and just get on their level?  Being human towards others sends more of a message than acting superior.  Remember:  messengers are never greater than the One who sent them.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned in life, from the serving incident, the Mrs. Potts denial, and just all throughout childhood, is that life is not all about me.  And you know what?  It never will be.  As Christ-followers, our actions will never be about us.  It’ll always be about God and what he did for each and every one of us, so we could be granted eternal life forever.  Instead of praying that God use you more than the rest, pray that God moves and that you wouldn’t miss the joy.  Open your eyes so wide so you can see it and be a part of it, even if it means you aren’t the star.

March 11th: The End of an Era,

Almost two years ago, three days after my 19th birthday, I remember waking up, going to the old silo building on Zuck Road, and getting these little metal death traps called braces cemented in my mouth.  After two and a half hours of failed attempts to install my expander and headgear, thinking up a last-minute plan to avoid jaw surgery, and countless other unfortunate events, I was left in the review room with a "How to Take Care of Your New Braces" video and thirteen teddy bears on the wall.  And I cried.  Why?  Because I knew, as a nineteen year old woman, I was now an outcast. I felt ugly, and my teeth were even more of an eyesore.

Throughout this process, though, as my teeth were shifting, I was shifting too.  In this two years, I've definitely changed a lot. And it's kind of freaky to think about.  Sure, I've physically changed, gaining decent amount of weight and not the most beautiful skin, but there's been a bigger change internally.  My braces used to hold me back from so many things. People, events, spontaneous outings... I was scared of it all. It's kind of funny to think that at this moment last year or even two years ago, I was afraid. I'm still scared of some social situations, but not as much as I was before. I've become a more confident, outgoing, and overall happier version of the person I previously was. And I'm loving every second of it.

So tomorrow, when I go the old silo building on Zuck Road for my second to last appointment and get these little miracle workers off my teeth, get them all polished and clean, and throw a retainer in that'll give me a lisp for a few days, I know I'll cry. Not just because I'll be in pain or because I'll have beautiful teeth.  But because I'm ending an era of my life. This Tuesday is the close of a chapter in my life that I've been so grateful to have, though a little painful. I can't even express how grateful I am for this part of my life. It's been real, it hasn't been too fun, but it's something I'll always carry with me.

These past two years have been amazing; I can't imagine what this next journey will be!  Here's to a new chapter in my life, full of self-confidence and loving myself and everyone around me!

I'm Scared,

I'm not here to entertain or enlighten anyone like I usually try and do.  I honestly don't have the capacity to do that at the moment.  I'm here as one human being, connecting and communicating to you because I am not happy.  I'm not happy with myself and I guess I just need to communicate about it.

I feel like I've never been the best version of myself.  I say I'm going to try and get into school, but I remember that the government doesn't like to accept my FAFSA forms, so I get lazy and stop trying, let alone caring.  I say that I'm going to register to a gym or finish my driving lessons, but I realize that I don't have enough money for either and I quit.  When it comes to my graphic design stuff, I haven't been doing as many as I used to, which is pretty unacceptable to me seeing as I've done it before, but I also realize that there are way better artists than me.  Hell, I even started directing the people that have asked me to do graphics to the people I know are better than me.  Plus, I don't think that the stuff I've been creating recently has been as good as it used to be, and it just makes me, well... disappointed and frustrated.  So I do the thing I'm most talented at:  I quit.  I throw in the towel and call it a day.  I'm trying so hard to be the person I want to be, but every time I pull up a blank file or start up a university website or attempt to find a decently delicious recipe for this weight-loss plan I keep trying to do, I get absolutely terrified to create or even try.  Like, genuinely scared.

And the thing I'm scared of?  Honestly, it's you.  The person I'm talking to at this moment.  I've learned in this short lifespan that I've experienced that people do a lot of things to impress people; to get people to like them.  I remember having a conversation with one of my bosses and he was telling me that he was learning this particular song on the guitar for this girl he was interested in.  I had asked him if he liked playing guitar, and all he could reply with was, "Not really, but girls like guitars."  So, was he trying to tell me the only reason he was inspired to pick up a guitar was because he wanted a particular girl to have an interest for him?

And I think that's why a lot of us do anything in this life.  Whether we learn a new sport or instrument, pick up a new hobby, dress differently, change our interests... we spend our lives obsessing over whether people will like us.  When I was in high school, as a young kid being picked on for no particular reason, all I wanted in life was for people to like me.  But once I got out of high school and was introduced to the people I have now, I had surrounded myself with so many people that actually did like me (or so I hope), more people than I had ever imagined and my confidence had boosted to highs that I've never experienced before.  But over the course of a few months, with diagnoses up the wazoo, an excessive amount of weight coming from God knows where, friends slowing dwindling away, losing inspiration towards things, and countless other factors, my confidence has shriveled down to practically nothing.  And what holds me back sometimes is when I try to do something, I'm afraid that people won't like what I'm doing, which will in turn make them not like me.  And so I run away from the situation, which is another one of my many useless talents in life, and pretend that that particular thing was never on my mind to even try.

I know it's weird.  I know that you're probably thinking, "Carly!  Do what you want!  You shouldn't care what other people think and be the person you want to be instead!" but I can't help but care about what other people think of me.  Worrying about what you think about me has been my entire life.

Even though my social anxiety is getting better, I still get worried about what other people think of me every single day, and it's a struggle.  What do my friends think of me?  What kinds of conversations do they have about me when I'm not around?  What are things that are flawed about me that they've seemed to notice, but wouldn't dare say to my face?  Why do they pick other people for things over me?  And another one:  do they even talk about me at all?  Do they even care about me enough to discuss the mere topic about me?  Yes, guys... this is just a portion of how this brain of mine works.  I know I appear to be a happy, energetic person, but no one really understands that while I'm laughing and trying to put on a smile, I'm fighting this internal battle every time I look at someone.  Even when I am genuinely happy, I feel like I'm putting on a show for people so that they will someday like me.  So that I'm worthy of friendship, a date, a new job... anything that'll get me connected with people I'm certain like me.

My hope is that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that everyone just secretly feels this way, in one way or another.  But honestly, I don't know that for sure.  And if there is a solution, other than trying to not care as much about what other people think, I honestly don't know how to even do that.

All I've ever wanted to do with my life is make and do things that make me and other people happy, and I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my limited time on this planet.  But I guess I just have to hope that I have the capacity to even take the first step and begin striving to be the person I want to be, because I honestly don't know.  I'm generally unsure, and that scares me a lot.

On Internships and Growing Up,

When you're growing up, it's certain that you will get asked what you want to be when you grow up.  And honestly, I hate that question.  As I'm sitting here tonight, I really don't know what I want to do.  I don't know what I enjoy, what my passions or hobbies are, or even what really gets me out of bed every morning other than the fact that I need to pay my last orthodontics payment in less than 20 days.  It kind of sucks, especially when I'm in an entire room with some of my friends, with their fancy degrees and talking about their upcoming classes.  And then there's me, the girl with the high school diploma and no clue what direction to go next.

There's a part of me that just wants to apply to cool internships and see where it takes me.  New York City, Chicago, Portland, Los Angeles... the possibilities are endless!  There's definitely a couple of internships I've dreamed of landing, but I know they're probably way out of my reach, due to the lack of any college education.

Ever since I met the Buried Life last year and one of the guys pretty much offered me an internship with their documentary, I've been almost obsessed with landing any sort of internship and traveling anywhere.  I feel like there's no purpose for me in Erie anymore, other than working at least five hours a week at Target and build blanket forts in between my dresser and mattress and hide away in it.  I mean, I have my friends and my family (it seems like the majority of them don't get along with my immediate family anyways, so they won't even notice I'm gone), but I'm not in school, I'm not anticipating a boyfriend anytime soon, I've got no kids, and I'm young!  This is a perfect time for me to be traveling and experiencing what this chunk of rock has to offer.

Being a little bit of an Internet buff, one of the main internships I've recently been aiming for is for Philip DeFranco's little project he has going on in the YouTube community.  He's currently running four very successful channels, including his own channel, which has received over 3 million subscribers in the past seven years he's been involved, SourceFed and it's counterpart, SourceFedNERD, and ForHumanPeoples, a clothing company that has also turned into another successful channel.  Overall, Phil has accumulated a community of over four and a half million people, which is pretty insane to think about.  And you know what?  Phil dropped out of college.  He worked hard to get to where he is, from having nothing to pretty much owning a company, a news website, and impacting lives every single day.

I've been watching Phil since he still called himself 'sXePhil' and had a different into to his videos every week in 2009.  I was only 16, but I think Phil sparked interests in me that I've never had before:  politics, world news and history, the occasional celebrity news.  And when it comes to SourceFed and NERD, I'm opening up to more things that I didn't think I would ever be interested in again, including anime, movies, video games, technology, and community.  Plus, I've been messing around with graphic design for a while (which I kinda suck at), and the launch of ForHumanPeoples' "Drawing Board" segment has totally made me a little inspired to start trying to pen down some cool designs for their shirts, and even trying to draw a little better than I do now.

When I found out there were a few young people my age with internships at these places, it really sparked something in me to just keep trying for anything.  Sourcefed is my tip of the mountain, but any cool internship with awesome opportunities would be just as awesome.  I know that since I'm not anyone special, this probably will never happen, but as a young person dreaming to get out of the snowy state she's always known, I'll shoot higher than the moon when it comes to my dreams, and I'm totally okay with shooting higher than I think I can reach.

If Phil actually sees this, that'd be pretty cool.  I think he needs to know that there are people being changed for the better from his story and all the hard work he's put into all his projects the past seven years.  I hope to someday be a part of this growth, but if I cannot, I'm more than content with watching him be successful with the people he loves and appreciates.

Life is all about experiencing cool stuff and being satisfactory with where you're at in life.  So, though I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life, am extremely single, am possibly dying from a disease that I have no idea about, and don't know my passions in life, I at least want to be happy when I essentially 'grow up'.  If happiness is all I get from this life, I think I'll be content, but I at least wanna experience some cool things during the ride.

Why I Probably Won't Be Drinking on my 21st

Today marks three months until my 21st birthday.  And from what I've seen for most of my life, turning 21 is probably one of the momentous birthdays, mostly because you can start drinking... and people seem to love to get a kick out of that!  A lot of people recently have been asking what I'm going to do for my 21st birthday, like what my plans are and their more important question: what will my first drink as a legal adult be?  And my answers?  I'm probably not doing anything, unless some people really want to get together, and it's almost certain that I won't have a drink at all for my birthday.

Now, before I go on, I don't want anyone to think that I'm condoning anyone who drinks.  And if you think my views are based on my religious faith, you are very wrong.  Okay, so anyways...

As a kid, I was surrounded by a negative influence when it comes to drinking.  My dad was a very heavy drinker, taking me to bars every weekend, almost making names like "Bill's" and "Star" second homes to me.  In the past twenty years, he's so dependent on alcohol to live his daily life that if he doesn't consume it, he gets real bad seizures.  Seeing an influence like that pretty much set in stone at a very young age that drinking would not be in my future anytime soon.

In high school, there were a decent amount of kids that would go out and drink after football games or homecoming.  And that's totally normal!  Everyone has their groups in high school that do those things.  But I remember being that one kid who wanted to scream at them and be like, "Guys!  Look what you're going to do to yourself!" and show them a picture of my dad.  As a bullied high school kid with no friends, though, all it would do is paint a bigger target on my back, so I never said a word.

And now, being graduated and out of school, I see the effects alcohol has on former friends.  Some are still pretty normal and I love talking to them, but there are some that I can't even be around anymore.  My family always says that my father was a kind and generous guy, but only when he was sober.  As soon as he had a drink in his hand, he was a completely different person.  It really changes people, and I never really noticed it until I saw it in my friends that I knew for years, being reunited with them for the first time in years and seeing a completely different person.  I imagine it being like being told something completely opposite from what you've always known, like the color green is actually called pink.  (I don't know, I tried thinking of a good analogy but I couldn't think of anything.)  I sometimes get picked on for feeling uncomfortable around people while they're drinking and I think I understand why:  people are different when they drink, and I don't like it.  It's uncomfortable for me, personally, and if drinking is ever involved, I'd rather remove myself from the situation so not only I'm uncomfortable, but they're not uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable, if that makes sense.

Instead of getting wasted and not remembering anything from my 21st birthday, I want to be surrounded by people I like and reflect on the past 365 days I've lived.  Tell stories, laugh, cry, take silly pictures, sing, dance... maybe hold a dog.  It's a miracle I'm even here in the first place.  What's the point of celebrating if you're not going to remember it?  I'm totally cool with celebrating the past 21 years I've been blessed to wake up and walk the Earth with people that appreciate my presence in their lives instead of celebrating the fact that I can hold animals at animal shelters and drink alcohol.

It's Time to Let Go,

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

I'm not one of those people who vents.  Usually, I'm the type that keeps everything to myself and, when completely boiled over, lets everything out in a smashing rage and leaves nothing but a valley in my path.  But this is something I never let out. Something I've come to realize is probably time to let go of, and I can't let go of it until I talk about it.  Yes, it's about a boy.  Yes, it's about a love I believe would happen, but have come to realize probably never will.  And yes, it's something that will take time and commitment to let go of.

So this is what this is for.  It's a letter I'm writing to this gentleman to say goodbye to my feelings towards him.  Because I have a strong feeling that they are not reciprocated or acknowledged, and because of the situation the both of us are in, it's really not the best decision for me to keep pursuing it.

I've known this particular guy for a few years, but those little butterfly-feelings started coming around about a few months ago. We'll call him Esteban, because I don't know any Esteban's, other than Esteban from "The Suite Life", but he doesn't count because I don't know him personally.  But anyways, back to the story.  Esteban and I are very similar in just about everything.  It's actually kind of scary, to be honest.  When my dad had a stroke a few months ago, he was the first person I consoled to, and that's really what started making our friendship stronger than ever.  He and I opened up about our pasts, telling each other who we were and the things we've done.  The adventures we've been on in life, the heartbreaks we've had, and the transformations we've experienced.  He's even told me I know more about him than most of his friends and potential love interests, and that's a huge honor to have with someone.  Eventually, I started over-thinking things and thought he actually liked me.

And then the big kicker:  he then asked me to help him find a girlfriend.  As he went off on his list, he kept asking questions about me.  All I could think was... why is he asking me these things?  Why does he want to know if I have a good relationship with my family?  Why does he want to know what kind of sports I've done?  And again, I over-thought things, drawing the conclusion that he was secretly asking about me because he liked me.  But the more we saw each other, the more he'd ask me about other girls.  Is she pretty?  Is she right for me?  Carly, do you think she is the one?  Of course I would tell him to talk to the girl and give it a chance, but inside, all I wanted to do was grab his shoulders, shake him, make him look me in the eyes, and yell, "HEY ESTEBAN, WHAT ABOUT ME?"

The truth is, no matter how hard I try, it'll never be me.

I had this dream last night that really inspired me to write this out.  I was a deer trying to cross an empty road to the woods.  As I walked, a car came by and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the car's headlights, so dazzled and infatuated with the view.  Every time I try to achieve something, I'm like a deer in the headlights, losing focus on the goal and averting my gaze to something that'll hurt me in the end:  you.

So Esteban, I know that even though you're calling me pretty, you do it to make me feel good, not because you really mean it.  I know that those talks we have are because you want to get things off your chest and I'm the one there, not so that I can get to know you personally.  I know that your hugs, hand holding and kind words were just kind gestures, not signs of infatuation.  And I'm sorry that that was how I saw it the past few months, and if you ever find this during your travels on the Internet, if someone shows you, or if I have the guts to present this to you in the future, I really hope you understand and forgive me afterwards.  I can't keep having these sleepless nights, wondering what you think of me... in the words of my friend, Mike Ballz, "Fantasize about us living in paradise, in a warm place where we never really die".

I've been sitting here for the past eight hours, trying to compile my thoughts into words, words into sentences.  And hopefully this is the last time I ever touch this.  So, until these feelings are mutual (which they probably never will), I have to let you go.  Put these feelings, dreams, aspirations, thoughts... all in a box and put them away for good. It's going to be tough.  It's not like I see you only once a week or month.  I see you more than that.  Three, four times a week.  Sometimes every day of the week.  But I can't keep torturing myself with false hope and aspirations with someone that doesn't want to be a part of it.

With being sick, I don't want to waste my time with someone that is steering me the wrong way.  I literally do not have time to mess around and joke about life.  And ironically, I've spent eight hours of my precious time writing about someone who I say I don't have time to be hung up on.  It's time to build relationships with others, not just you.  It's time to put myself out there for people and show them the best I can be, not put myself out there for you and show you the best I can be.  It's time to move on.

Musings at 3am,

A few weeks ago, I confessed to a guy I had been talking to for a few weeks that I had feelings for him.  If you know me, this is one of the hardest things I can do with anyone.  I have these spasms of anxiety every now and then that like to come back and haunt me with tongue-tied words, awkward sweating, and absolutely no eye contact.  And yes, as you would figure, the guy rejected me, like they all do.  But it was the way he rejected me that struck a cord.

When I told him, all he did was look at me and say, "You're one of the nicest girls I know and your personality is spot on, but you don't have the look I'm looking for."  The look.  Excuse me?

No, I'm not tall or blonde or blue eyed or tan.  The gene pool didn't really work in my favor in that department.  My upper lip isn't as full as my lower lip and my teeth are fucked up and my nose looks like the nose on your grandmother's old Santa ornaments she puts on her tree on Christmas.  I'm probably the largest 5'1'' girl you've ever seen, but I really can't help that either, since... well, I'm probably dying of some fucking cancer or some other unknown disorder my doctors don't know anything about.  I would've rather have been told that I was way too fat for him than to be told that I didn't have "the look".

I feel like I run into this problem a lot.  That because of my size, I'm 'undateable'.  And if that is the only problem with me and why I've been single for the past 5+ years, then I'm never going to find anyone at this rate.

Another thing:  I am such a hypocrite with this, but I'm sick and tired of people telling me that "good things come to people who wait".  Excuse me, I've been waiting for over five years to be a skinny, beautiful woman with no irregularities about her and who men find to be this absolutely beautiful creature sent from the Heavens.  I've been waiting for over five years too look like a normal fucking human being, and that obviously is never going to come for me.  No matter how hard I pray, no matter how tough my exterior is, no matter how many friends I make or how much community service I do or how many times my doctors make me not eat, I will never look normal.  I'm always going to have these stretch marks, and they're only going to get larger.  I'm always going to look like this, and I'm only going to get bigger.  No one will love me for me because my Stein Leventhal is getting in the fucking way and I'm so sick and tired of being alone.

All I want is for someone to make me feel beautiful and special.  For just one night.  Take me to a light dinner.  Let's take a stroll in the park at night.  Look at the stars.  Just him and I.  Hold my hand and dance with me under the stars.  Make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

But this probably will never happen.  Because I'm me, and nothing good ever happens with me.

A Short Post About Love,

Sometimes, I feel like love has become superficial. One sided. Critical. Love is not something that can be thrown around like a ratty rag doll that should go to waste. Love isn't achieved when reaching a finish line or checking off all the opposite person's requirements.

Love is when you accept someone with all their imperfections, stupidities, and ugly points, and still see their perfection whilst knowing of their imperfections.