Tonight, I want to be vulnerable with whomever decides to read this. To whoever thinks reading my blog for a few minutes is worth even a small bit of their time, I just want to be open, honest, and up front. As typing this will help me bring this issue to light and possibly be the start of overcoming this, I hope those of you dealing with this particular struggle will join me in battling this together.
I am insecure.
When people see this sentence, many immediately think of someone with a terrible self esteem. Someone who does not see the beauty and amazing things bestowed upon them. If you're an avid reader of my blog, you would know that I'd usually make a contradicting sentence to go with this. But this time, I can't. This is the type of person I am, and hope to not be in the near future.
If I wear too tight of a shirt, I'm afraid people will judge my stomach.
If I laugh too loud, I'm afraid I'll only be loved for my laugh.
If I get too energetic around people, I'm afraid people will find me too overbearing.
If I sing too loud in worship, I'm afraid people will find me insane and turning into a showoff.
If I do this, then people will think this.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not thin enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not _________ enough. And I never will be.
You know what sucks about insecurity? This. When you have thought after thought come in your head saying you can't do something... but you can't fight it. You feel that what is being said in your head is you. That you are the one telling yourself that you are the failure. That you are the screw up. That YOU are the one.
On Friday, a group of young adults and I went down to Ashtabula, Ohio, for a worship service. And every time I go, it's always a different experience. Whether it be getting prophetic word from a person, feeling the overflow of the Spirit in me, or just leaving liberated... something happens. It's really a freeing experience, and I'm definitely the one of many that push my peers to go. One thing that gets to me though? My worship. I'm loud. I'm shameless. I'm the one screaming my praise so boldly sometimes that I'm hoping the enemy craps his pants at the shrill sound of my screams. The one thing I fight while I worship though (every single time) is the fact that I don't want people to judge me. I shouldn't be doing this. God's not even going to hear you, anyways.
Through persistent prayer that night, God revealed this to me: He is going to speak directly to me. Sort of like in the second person. When God speaks to me, He is going to tell me all the things He, personally, thinks about me. He's gonna say things like...
You are beautiful.
You have all My love.
You are strong in Me.
You are loved.
You are okay.
God is going to speak life into you. To say the cliche answer, if it's good, it's from God. He is never going to put you down, tell you you're not good enough, or make you think you will never amount to anything. God is honest; He is going to speak directly to you. How cool is that?!
Now, the enemy... that pesky little Devil. He's a trickster. Even in scripture, it says that Satan is the Father of Lies. If that doesn't give you an indicator as to where this is going and you haven't gotten it from the title of this post yet, I'll give it to you straight. The enemy gets in your head by speaking in the first person. Those thoughts of I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, and God doesn't love me... among others? Totally the pit of hell, my friends.
Think about it, though... when you are thinking that you're the one saying these terrible things about yourself, how can you fight back with your own brain? How can you fight back thoughts that you think are coming from your own mind... the mind God has created? And if God created your mind and your mind is speaking death and degrading comments into your mind, does God think that way about you?
First off, know that that is not God. As much as we may think it is, those thoughts are not God and never will be. I could go on forever on how God thinks of you and how awesome you are, but that would be enough for another blog post, so I'm going to send you to this short study instead. They're a lot more knowledgeable in that department, anyways.
Okay, back on track. So, they're not of God. And second... Satan is going to use his best weapon to tear you down. That weapon, if you haven't guessed yet, is yourself. Your thoughts, your actions, your innermost secrets and struggles and past stuff buried deep. He's gonna unearth that like a ruthless pirate and destroy everything in his path. But the most amazing thing about having God on our side is the fact that we have the power to tell the enemy one, simple word: no.
We have the power and authority to tell all from the pit of Hell that whatever negative lives inside us, big or small, doesn't belong anywhere near us. We are children of God. We are precious, bought at a high price... so high that no amount of money on this Earth can match or exceed it. We are protected by the blood of Christ. And (coolest thing ever) we have been saved by the Son, who has already fought the battles and won the war on our behalf.
God is bigger than me, who is bigger than my insecurities, my circumstances, my struggles, my health, my job situation, my demons... fill in the blank. This week, I encourage you to join me. When Hell decides to tug your strings and try to play you like a marionette, dragging you along to the beat of all that is evil... all you have to do is stand tall, stand confident in the Lord, and show him where he belongs.
Show the Devil he's wrong. He's always been wrong. And he always will be.
Showing posts with label late night blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label late night blogging. Show all posts
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
A Promise to my Future Husband,
So... remember my last blog post that said I wouldn't take two or three months to write again? Well, it's been six months. A lot has happened in that period, but we'll save that for another time. It's definitely a wild ride!
The Lord has really been convicting me of this form of media, and after a few conversations sparked it last night, I thought I'd write all about it.
Ladies, I bet you've had some of these thoughts: I wish I had a man that could kiss me the way Noah Calhoun does with Allie Hamilton. I would love to have a man as charismatic and protective as Augustus Waters. Can I be blessed with someone who can dance like Johnny Castle?
I'm sure the questions are brewing and those gears in your heads, ladies and gents both, are starting to turn. The romance genre? All girls like romance! It's all we talk about!
For some women, that's very true. I love myself a feel-good book that gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I read it (I'll read The Fault in our Stars ten times over any day and shamelessly cried while watching the movie alone as my roommates were having dates with their boyfriends), or a movie that will give me the same feeling of euphoria and giddiness each time I watch a kiss in the rain or a sensual ballroom dance. But it's time to be honest: each time I watch a movie or read a book with these certain things, I feel that I start building expectations on men, especially those I find interest in. As silly as it sounds, I have started calling these outlets of media "emotional porn". Let me explain.
In personal experience, when I have one of those weeks where all I want is a companion in my life and spiral in this never-ending hole of romance films, there starts to form this foundation of expectation with every little detail of men that I meet. And since these men in these outlets are fictional, it puts an unachievable expectation on any man I come in contact with. And for guys that are dragged into their theaters and living rooms to watch these movies with their significant others, it puts an expectation on them. Questions of doubt start to form: Am I doing all I can to satisfy her? Will she love me if I do _____? What will happen if I don't?
Sorry, ladies: your future husband probably isn't going to have chiseled abs that can destroy boulders or a smile that'll cure world hunger. He's going to be an average man. He's going to make mistakes. He might not know what to do when you're on your period or know exactly what to do every time you have a bad day. He's going to probably have a mole on his butt and burn some bacon in your time together. But the coolest thing about relationships is the fact that the two of you will experience life together... the ups and downs, the growth, the plateaus, when times seem tough and when times are fantastic. As a couple, you stand strong and unified. And that's nothing they can depict in a two-hour film or 200 pages in a book.
And gentlemen, here's something from lady to dude: I get it. Everyone talks about how women feel like they have a standard to meet and they don't feel beautiful or needed until a man comes in their lives and says it themselves. But I get it. You have an unmeetable standard, as well. You have to be the breadwinner. Know about cars and hunt and cook on grills. Shoot guns. Manly things. Have that chiseled body, straight teeth, muscles on top of muscles. Have a tough exterior but a soft inside... like a Milky Way candy bar. I get it. I finally get it. There is an insane standard placed on you, as well. And for both sides of the spectrum, it's unfair for the both of us.
Like Jesus makes a covenant with us, marriage is just that: a covenant. A promise. A binding commitment. And though it may be a while before I find that "one", I want to be able to write him a solid, God-based promise. So...
Hello, future husband.
I don't know you, and you surely don't know me. Maybe we talk daily, I make your coffee at Starbucks sometimes, we're passing strangers in this huge city, or you're on the other side of the country and I've never seen your face. I don't know. God works in mysterious ways, so you could be anywhere at this very moment. And that's so cool for me to think about. Us finding each other is already an adventure!
I don't seek for you to meet nit-picky standards. I don't seek for you to be of visual or mental competence. I seek for you to be the one the Lord has made for me. Like two puzzle pieces perfectly fitting together. But I do hope you are strong in your faith. That each step you take and every word you speak is of the Lord. When you wake up in the morning and when you hit your bed to sleep for the night, I hope you worship Him for all the amazing things He's already done in your life and for the things He will do in and through you. You are God's prized creation, and I hope to know you someday so I can see the amazing transformation He has made in you.
I know we are not going to be perfect. We are going to have our struggles. I'm going to have habits that you don't like; you're going to have habits that I'm not going to like. We're going to go through dark times and will have times where we'll want to take a break from it all. But I know that, with the Lord at the center of our relationship, we will conquer anything the enemy throws at us.
Please know that I pray for you. Every single day, I pray for you. I praise your successes and, from a distance, ask for comfort and support in your struggles. I pray that God brings us together in His timing and that nothing is rushed. Every detail in our relationship is mapped out, and I am committed to following that path to the last step.
I promise to not put an unachievable expectation on you. You're probably not going to be able to dance like Johnny Castle. Or leave presents on my doorstep every morning. You probably won't have a cliche million dollar smile. There are things about you will gross me out. Maybe you'll have uncontrollable gas, I don't know. But I promise to never compare you to fiction. I will never tell you that what you're doing is sub par and what someone on the other side of a television screen is doing is more worthy of my time and energy. You're not a fantasy, you will be my reality. What you're doing is enough. What you're already doing is enough. You will find ways to show your love to me, and I will find ways to show love to you. That will speak more volumes that taking me outside every time it rains and seeing what happens.
I promise to be someone you can laugh with. When goodness comes in our midst, when celebration is at hand, I promise to laugh with you. And when things aren't going too hot, I hope we will find things to laugh about. If anything, we can find a weird video on the Internet and we can laugh at how weird my cackles are. I've been told it's pretty funny.
I promise to be someone you can lean on. When you're feeling like the world is crumbling all around you, I hope the Lord can use me to show you that there's still hope. Look up Joshua 1:9... that scripture is for those times when we feel overwhelmed or out of control. God's got you in His hand... you're covered! You can do this! And if you're going through something now, you've got this! I believe in you.
I promise to be there when your past comes to haunt you. In John 10, Jesus talks about how the enemy comes to seek and destroy all that is good in our lives, and all those demons are real good at using our pasts to make us stumble. I hope to be able to encourage you and pray with you through that time. You are a conquerer! As a result, Romans 8:18 says this: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Hold fast, the glory is coming!
I promise to shut up sometimes. Even if you need to force me to. God is showing me that I talk way too much sometimes, and I'm learning that the best conversations happen when I'm quiet and just listen. That's when He can work through me! Through my silence, I hope the Holy Spirit can invade my thoughts and let me speak what you need to hear, in good times and bad.
I promise to be someone you learn from and with. When we meet, you and I are going to have such little knowledge of God and all He has done and will do with our lives. My hope is that we can do things together, and not just the fun and exciting things. I'm hoping we can pray about anything together, study, talk, and be open about our questions. Life is just a never-ending classroom, and I hope that, at the end of our lives, we can both come out as valedictorian.
And lastly, I promise to make you second place. That's right. You will not be first place. And I hope I'm not your first place. I hope you love God so much that He has overtaken this huge mass in your heart, that He has manifested himself into every fiber of your being. So much so, that it would be forever impossible for me to one-up Him. I hope you understand and can follow suit.
I hope to be able to meet you soon. For awesome conversation and fun hangouts. For hugs and dancing. For tears and sorrow. I can't wait to experience life and all of God's glory with you.
The Lord has really been convicting me of this form of media, and after a few conversations sparked it last night, I thought I'd write all about it.
Ladies, I bet you've had some of these thoughts: I wish I had a man that could kiss me the way Noah Calhoun does with Allie Hamilton. I would love to have a man as charismatic and protective as Augustus Waters. Can I be blessed with someone who can dance like Johnny Castle?
I'm sure the questions are brewing and those gears in your heads, ladies and gents both, are starting to turn. The romance genre? All girls like romance! It's all we talk about!
For some women, that's very true. I love myself a feel-good book that gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I read it (I'll read The Fault in our Stars ten times over any day and shamelessly cried while watching the movie alone as my roommates were having dates with their boyfriends), or a movie that will give me the same feeling of euphoria and giddiness each time I watch a kiss in the rain or a sensual ballroom dance. But it's time to be honest: each time I watch a movie or read a book with these certain things, I feel that I start building expectations on men, especially those I find interest in. As silly as it sounds, I have started calling these outlets of media "emotional porn". Let me explain.
In personal experience, when I have one of those weeks where all I want is a companion in my life and spiral in this never-ending hole of romance films, there starts to form this foundation of expectation with every little detail of men that I meet. And since these men in these outlets are fictional, it puts an unachievable expectation on any man I come in contact with. And for guys that are dragged into their theaters and living rooms to watch these movies with their significant others, it puts an expectation on them. Questions of doubt start to form: Am I doing all I can to satisfy her? Will she love me if I do _____? What will happen if I don't?
Sorry, ladies: your future husband probably isn't going to have chiseled abs that can destroy boulders or a smile that'll cure world hunger. He's going to be an average man. He's going to make mistakes. He might not know what to do when you're on your period or know exactly what to do every time you have a bad day. He's going to probably have a mole on his butt and burn some bacon in your time together. But the coolest thing about relationships is the fact that the two of you will experience life together... the ups and downs, the growth, the plateaus, when times seem tough and when times are fantastic. As a couple, you stand strong and unified. And that's nothing they can depict in a two-hour film or 200 pages in a book.
And gentlemen, here's something from lady to dude: I get it. Everyone talks about how women feel like they have a standard to meet and they don't feel beautiful or needed until a man comes in their lives and says it themselves. But I get it. You have an unmeetable standard, as well. You have to be the breadwinner. Know about cars and hunt and cook on grills. Shoot guns. Manly things. Have that chiseled body, straight teeth, muscles on top of muscles. Have a tough exterior but a soft inside... like a Milky Way candy bar. I get it. I finally get it. There is an insane standard placed on you, as well. And for both sides of the spectrum, it's unfair for the both of us.
Like Jesus makes a covenant with us, marriage is just that: a covenant. A promise. A binding commitment. And though it may be a while before I find that "one", I want to be able to write him a solid, God-based promise. So...
Hello, future husband.
I don't know you, and you surely don't know me. Maybe we talk daily, I make your coffee at Starbucks sometimes, we're passing strangers in this huge city, or you're on the other side of the country and I've never seen your face. I don't know. God works in mysterious ways, so you could be anywhere at this very moment. And that's so cool for me to think about. Us finding each other is already an adventure!
I don't seek for you to meet nit-picky standards. I don't seek for you to be of visual or mental competence. I seek for you to be the one the Lord has made for me. Like two puzzle pieces perfectly fitting together. But I do hope you are strong in your faith. That each step you take and every word you speak is of the Lord. When you wake up in the morning and when you hit your bed to sleep for the night, I hope you worship Him for all the amazing things He's already done in your life and for the things He will do in and through you. You are God's prized creation, and I hope to know you someday so I can see the amazing transformation He has made in you.
I know we are not going to be perfect. We are going to have our struggles. I'm going to have habits that you don't like; you're going to have habits that I'm not going to like. We're going to go through dark times and will have times where we'll want to take a break from it all. But I know that, with the Lord at the center of our relationship, we will conquer anything the enemy throws at us.
Please know that I pray for you. Every single day, I pray for you. I praise your successes and, from a distance, ask for comfort and support in your struggles. I pray that God brings us together in His timing and that nothing is rushed. Every detail in our relationship is mapped out, and I am committed to following that path to the last step.
I promise to not put an unachievable expectation on you. You're probably not going to be able to dance like Johnny Castle. Or leave presents on my doorstep every morning. You probably won't have a cliche million dollar smile. There are things about you will gross me out. Maybe you'll have uncontrollable gas, I don't know. But I promise to never compare you to fiction. I will never tell you that what you're doing is sub par and what someone on the other side of a television screen is doing is more worthy of my time and energy. You're not a fantasy, you will be my reality. What you're doing is enough. What you're already doing is enough. You will find ways to show your love to me, and I will find ways to show love to you. That will speak more volumes that taking me outside every time it rains and seeing what happens.
I promise to be someone you can laugh with. When goodness comes in our midst, when celebration is at hand, I promise to laugh with you. And when things aren't going too hot, I hope we will find things to laugh about. If anything, we can find a weird video on the Internet and we can laugh at how weird my cackles are. I've been told it's pretty funny.
I promise to be someone you can lean on. When you're feeling like the world is crumbling all around you, I hope the Lord can use me to show you that there's still hope. Look up Joshua 1:9... that scripture is for those times when we feel overwhelmed or out of control. God's got you in His hand... you're covered! You can do this! And if you're going through something now, you've got this! I believe in you.
I promise to be there when your past comes to haunt you. In John 10, Jesus talks about how the enemy comes to seek and destroy all that is good in our lives, and all those demons are real good at using our pasts to make us stumble. I hope to be able to encourage you and pray with you through that time. You are a conquerer! As a result, Romans 8:18 says this: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Hold fast, the glory is coming!
I promise to shut up sometimes. Even if you need to force me to. God is showing me that I talk way too much sometimes, and I'm learning that the best conversations happen when I'm quiet and just listen. That's when He can work through me! Through my silence, I hope the Holy Spirit can invade my thoughts and let me speak what you need to hear, in good times and bad.
I promise to be someone you learn from and with. When we meet, you and I are going to have such little knowledge of God and all He has done and will do with our lives. My hope is that we can do things together, and not just the fun and exciting things. I'm hoping we can pray about anything together, study, talk, and be open about our questions. Life is just a never-ending classroom, and I hope that, at the end of our lives, we can both come out as valedictorian.
And lastly, I promise to make you second place. That's right. You will not be first place. And I hope I'm not your first place. I hope you love God so much that He has overtaken this huge mass in your heart, that He has manifested himself into every fiber of your being. So much so, that it would be forever impossible for me to one-up Him. I hope you understand and can follow suit.
I hope to be able to meet you soon. For awesome conversation and fun hangouts. For hugs and dancing. For tears and sorrow. I can't wait to experience life and all of God's glory with you.
♥
Monday, May 19, 2014
On the Friend Zone,
Now, I'm no expert in dating. I've been a single gal for over six years, so I'm more familiar with being single than the concept of being in a relationship. In fact, romantic relationships in general are an unknown to me. But a reoccurring conversation I keep having with some of my guy friends and a guy I had rejected have made this post what it is.
The friend zone. Oh, the dreaded friend zone. We all feel like we've been in the friend zone at least once in our lives. And if you don't know the feeling, I'll define it like this: you have feelings for someone, but they don't see it the way you do. And there's this myth going around that nice people get put in this said friend zone, simply for being nice. But that's not the case at all. Friends get put in the friend zone because they're being, wait for it... friendly.
I had a conversation with one of my guy friends recently. After months of us being friends, he throws the bomb on me that he had feelings for me and wondered why I didn't respond to his advances. The only thing I could really even say was, "Well, I thought you were just being nice." Holding doors, grabbing my jacket, having a casual conversation, like you do with anyone else, doesn't show someone you have a special interest in them.
And that's what I had to realize about my own actions. I come across as a generally friendly person (I hope), and if I like someone, it sometimes is shaded by the fact that I act the same way to everyone, so they assume I'm being friendly with them. Sure, I get angry, but at the end of it, I just gained another cool friend! Isn't that something to celebrate, rather than get angry about?
I know this is a really weird topic for a single lady to talk about, since people my age are always talking about how terrible their singleness is and how people always push them to the side. But I'm gonna be sort of brutally honest, and this is something I had to learn in the many years I've been looking for my Prince Charming: nobody owes you anything for being nice, and the people you have interest in don't, either. In this life, we're supposed to be nice to people. You don't get a cookie or an award for doing stuff that you should be doing anyway. So that means these few things:
- If you express your feelings to someone and they don't have the same mindset as you, respect it.
- Don't pressure your love interest on a date to 'change their mind'. All that's going to do is push you further away from them.
- And don't spam their social media or personal numbers either with date advances. You'll be digging yourself into an even deeper hole than before.
- Don't question it. No one can control their feelings, so asking someone "what's wrong with me that you can't give me a chance" is one of those unanswerable questions, unless you're willing to bury yourself in said hole.
- Still stay connected with them. To that other person, your friendship means something to them. Your heart may be broken, but is it really worth cutting off a friendship?
I've had interest in many guys during this single time. Musicians, guys in my church groups, businessmen, football players, filmmakers, a guy in the Navy, a radio DJ in San Antonio, and one of the regulars I used to serve at Starbucks. And though none of these guys have ever returned my feelings, I've grown to have so many new and cool friends that can get things that're too high for me to reach, open pickle jars, and have my back when we go out. I've learned to realize that I appreciate those things way more than having a boyfriend. If a man comes in my life that is willing to be a part of my life and I feel the same about him, I will welcome him with open arms and an even more open heart. But until then, I'm being shown what a Godly man looks like, and that's way more than I can ask for.
Instead of getting angry at being 'friend zone'd, be grateful. Maybe that person wasn't for you. Maybe you weren't for them. But be grateful that you have a new connection made in the infinite connections we are blessed to have. It doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be worthwhile in the end.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
What I Was Going to Talk About at Small Group... Until Last Night,
Scriptures to Accommodate Discussion: John 13:15-16, Ephesians 2:10, Mark 10:45
When I was a senior in high school, my high school put on a production of “Beauty and the Beast”. It was a musical that, as soon as I heard we were going to do it, I was so set on being in. And the part I wanted to be? Mrs. Potts. I wanted to be the one on center stage, singing the iconic Disney classic for the entire school and the parents and families that would be coming. So, I prayed for the part. Along with that, I prayed to be used to minister to the kids that didn’t know Christ during the production of the play. I prayed and prayed until the moment of the audition, when I sang the song in front of a few peers and four audition scouts that were volunteering. And when I was finished singing, I had this feeling that I had gotten the part. I was gonna be the best Mrs. Potts, and I was going to make some kids Christian in the process.
But that wasn’t really how it all worked out. About a week later, I got an email from the musical director with the cast list. And you may have already figured it out, but if you haven’t, sorry for the spoiler: no, I didn’t get Mrs. Potts. I didn’t get Mrs. Potts, or Chip, or even one of Gaston’s stalkers. The part I had received was the Enchantress, the character that shows up in the first few moments of the film, turns Prince Adam into the Beast, and vanishes, never to be seen the rest of the duration of the film. I was angry, wondering why God didn’t deliver what I wanted, so I pulled out of the musical immediately.
What I had realized later in life was that God did give me what I asked for. He didn’t give me the exact place or position I wanted, but He did give me the opportunity to serve and minister to those who didn’t know Him. I prayed to minister to those people, He gave it to me, and I denied the job He presented. Instead of feeding my serving heart like I had intended, I decided to feed my ego, and my ego was anything but happy. And that’s dangerous! When you start to feed your ego and malnourish your serving heart, you start to believe that serving is all about YOU, when it’s supposed to be all about HIM.
I’ve been leading our Pre-service Prayer team at Erie Young Adults for a few months now, and it’s been awesome, but it’s also been a learning experience for me. When some of them pray, and I do it too, we use this common term: Use me. Use me to lead them to You. Use me to help You. Use me, use me, use me. But sometimes, your “use me” can turn into a “use me… more than everyone else”, especially when you’re feeding your forever-starving ego. And I confess, this is something I have trouble with sometimes. At one point, I did this so much that I started to turn being used by God as my personal Savior… essentially using being used.
As our ministries get bigger, whether they be our individual interactions, small groups, young adult and youth groups, and church establishments, we must also get smaller. What we have to remember is this: imagine that God is the entire universe. Yeah… that universe. Gigantic, infinite, no edge. Compared to this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge, you are an itty, bitty star, suspended in this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge. You, as this tiny star, would not be able to be suspended in the vast emptiness of space without the universe holding you up and giving you life. You would not be able to live and breathe on this Earth without God giving you the breath you breathe and the ground to walk on.
When serving and praying for opportunities to serve, we should ask God to “use anybody” he wants instead of just using us individually. Instead of praying that you’ll be used and being granted applaud less, mundane opportunities to serve, pray that He just moves and participate in the joy that will come.
Think about Jesus’ ministry for a minute. Sure, He fed the 5,000, raised the dead, healed people left and right, but at the end of the day, he only ministered to 12 people. And with today’s standards, Jesus’ ministry was an epic failure. That’s right, I said it: Jesus’ ministry was a failure. But think about how the church has turned today! I saw a post from one church saying that they brought 40 people to salvation on Easter and that if “you want saved, come to a service“. I’ve heard leaders from organizations get more excited over the number of people coming to the services than the number of people being served and growing each week. This is happening at many of our churches to many of our leaders, even ourselves, and we don’t even realize it because it’s become such a norm. Sometimes, I feel like the church is being fueled on numbers, rather than salvation and the message of Jesus, and because of that, I feel like it’s rubbing off on other Christians as it being ‘okay’ to feed our inner-most egos. At the end of the day, we’re in it for Jesus, not ourselves.
When I first accepted Christ, I would never go out and do serving stuff. I would make excuses and say that it "wasn't my spiritual gifting to serve, but rather to preach". And a friend of mine said something pretty cool that I still hold with me today: If we don’t wanna hold a toilet brush, we have no business holding a microphone.
I really feel like we can apply this to our personal serving heart, not just in the situation of cleaning toilets. Jesus hung out with the lowest of people. Prostitutes, lepers, tax collectors, the homeless… He got on their level. Instead of feeding our forever-starving ego, why can’t we be like Jesus and just get on their level? Being human towards others sends more of a message than acting superior. Remember: messengers are never greater than the One who sent them.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned in life, from the serving incident, the Mrs. Potts denial, and just all throughout childhood, is that life is not all about me. And you know what? It never will be. As Christ-followers, our actions will never be about us. It’ll always be about God and what he did for each and every one of us, so we could be granted eternal life forever. Instead of praying that God use you more than the rest, pray that God moves and that you wouldn’t miss the joy. Open your eyes so wide so you can see it and be a part of it, even if it means you aren’t the star.
When I was a senior in high school, my high school put on a production of “Beauty and the Beast”. It was a musical that, as soon as I heard we were going to do it, I was so set on being in. And the part I wanted to be? Mrs. Potts. I wanted to be the one on center stage, singing the iconic Disney classic for the entire school and the parents and families that would be coming. So, I prayed for the part. Along with that, I prayed to be used to minister to the kids that didn’t know Christ during the production of the play. I prayed and prayed until the moment of the audition, when I sang the song in front of a few peers and four audition scouts that were volunteering. And when I was finished singing, I had this feeling that I had gotten the part. I was gonna be the best Mrs. Potts, and I was going to make some kids Christian in the process.
But that wasn’t really how it all worked out. About a week later, I got an email from the musical director with the cast list. And you may have already figured it out, but if you haven’t, sorry for the spoiler: no, I didn’t get Mrs. Potts. I didn’t get Mrs. Potts, or Chip, or even one of Gaston’s stalkers. The part I had received was the Enchantress, the character that shows up in the first few moments of the film, turns Prince Adam into the Beast, and vanishes, never to be seen the rest of the duration of the film. I was angry, wondering why God didn’t deliver what I wanted, so I pulled out of the musical immediately.
What I had realized later in life was that God did give me what I asked for. He didn’t give me the exact place or position I wanted, but He did give me the opportunity to serve and minister to those who didn’t know Him. I prayed to minister to those people, He gave it to me, and I denied the job He presented. Instead of feeding my serving heart like I had intended, I decided to feed my ego, and my ego was anything but happy. And that’s dangerous! When you start to feed your ego and malnourish your serving heart, you start to believe that serving is all about YOU, when it’s supposed to be all about HIM.
I’ve been leading our Pre-service Prayer team at Erie Young Adults for a few months now, and it’s been awesome, but it’s also been a learning experience for me. When some of them pray, and I do it too, we use this common term: Use me. Use me to lead them to You. Use me to help You. Use me, use me, use me. But sometimes, your “use me” can turn into a “use me… more than everyone else”, especially when you’re feeding your forever-starving ego. And I confess, this is something I have trouble with sometimes. At one point, I did this so much that I started to turn being used by God as my personal Savior… essentially using being used.
As our ministries get bigger, whether they be our individual interactions, small groups, young adult and youth groups, and church establishments, we must also get smaller. What we have to remember is this: imagine that God is the entire universe. Yeah… that universe. Gigantic, infinite, no edge. Compared to this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge, you are an itty, bitty star, suspended in this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge. You, as this tiny star, would not be able to be suspended in the vast emptiness of space without the universe holding you up and giving you life. You would not be able to live and breathe on this Earth without God giving you the breath you breathe and the ground to walk on.
When serving and praying for opportunities to serve, we should ask God to “use anybody” he wants instead of just using us individually. Instead of praying that you’ll be used and being granted applaud less, mundane opportunities to serve, pray that He just moves and participate in the joy that will come.
Think about Jesus’ ministry for a minute. Sure, He fed the 5,000, raised the dead, healed people left and right, but at the end of the day, he only ministered to 12 people. And with today’s standards, Jesus’ ministry was an epic failure. That’s right, I said it: Jesus’ ministry was a failure. But think about how the church has turned today! I saw a post from one church saying that they brought 40 people to salvation on Easter and that if “you want saved, come to a service“. I’ve heard leaders from organizations get more excited over the number of people coming to the services than the number of people being served and growing each week. This is happening at many of our churches to many of our leaders, even ourselves, and we don’t even realize it because it’s become such a norm. Sometimes, I feel like the church is being fueled on numbers, rather than salvation and the message of Jesus, and because of that, I feel like it’s rubbing off on other Christians as it being ‘okay’ to feed our inner-most egos. At the end of the day, we’re in it for Jesus, not ourselves.
When I first accepted Christ, I would never go out and do serving stuff. I would make excuses and say that it "wasn't my spiritual gifting to serve, but rather to preach". And a friend of mine said something pretty cool that I still hold with me today: If we don’t wanna hold a toilet brush, we have no business holding a microphone.
I really feel like we can apply this to our personal serving heart, not just in the situation of cleaning toilets. Jesus hung out with the lowest of people. Prostitutes, lepers, tax collectors, the homeless… He got on their level. Instead of feeding our forever-starving ego, why can’t we be like Jesus and just get on their level? Being human towards others sends more of a message than acting superior. Remember: messengers are never greater than the One who sent them.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned in life, from the serving incident, the Mrs. Potts denial, and just all throughout childhood, is that life is not all about me. And you know what? It never will be. As Christ-followers, our actions will never be about us. It’ll always be about God and what he did for each and every one of us, so we could be granted eternal life forever. Instead of praying that God use you more than the rest, pray that God moves and that you wouldn’t miss the joy. Open your eyes so wide so you can see it and be a part of it, even if it means you aren’t the star.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Why Don't We Talk About Saturday?,
Since it's Holy Week, I thought I'd talk about it real fast.
We all know what happened Good Friday. Jesus was arrested. He was taken into the Roman courts before Pontius Pilate, who sent Him back to the Jewish courts. Then he was sent to Golgotha, the place of the skull, to be crucified (Matthew 26:47 - Matthew 27:26).
The Bible says that at noon, the skies got dark and the Earth started to shake. The temple veil was torn from top to bottom to show that no mortal man had absolutely "nothing" to do it. And as Jesus cried out "It is finished! (John 19:30), the people realized that He was no ordinary man.
He was taken down from the cross, prepared for burial, and placed in the tomb to be buried at a later time.
We all know what happened Easter Sunday. He arose. Escaped the tomb and showed himself to his friends, disciples, and rumored 500 others- not just believers, but also cynics- before he ascended into Heaven. With his resurrection, He proved that He was none other than the son of God.
But what about Saturday? Well, after some extensive reading, the only thing I could come up with is this: Saturday was about preparing. The day between the promise and the fulfillment of the promise.
As it says, Pilate pretty much told the Pharisees and high priests to seal his tomb until Sunday, since they didn't have time on that Friday/Saturday to properly dress him for burial (thanks, Sabbath!). The only reasoning they sealed the tomb was because they were afraid that Jesus's disciples would steal his body in the night and essentially "fake" His resurrection.
While the people of Earth were mourning, it says this in Ephesians: "When he ascended on high, he took many captives and gave gifts to his people. (Ephesians 4:8)" When He died, Satan was stripped of his captives and He rescued the righteous ones, from the beginning of time to that very moment. He pretty much put death to death. Dang, Jesus!
But with this information, I want you to think of something: do you have struggles in your life that you feel like aren't being answered or taken care of by God? Do you feel ignored? Like you've been living on a prayer (oh, we're halfway there...)?
Throughout studying the means of Holy Saturday, I realized something: God could've resurrected Jesus as soon as He took His last breath. He could've let Jesus not get crucified. He could've. But as you can see, He didn't.
Maybe what you're going through right now is your waiting period. You feel at your lowest, like no one is coming the rescue. Like you're stuck in your tomb. But it's coming. Your Friday has passed, your Saturday is here, and your Sunday is quickly approaching.
Saturday was a day between the promise and the fulfillment of the promise. And if this is where you are in your walk now, I pray that you stand on this truth. You're in the preparation process. And before you know it, your time of celebration will be here.
We all know what happened Good Friday. Jesus was arrested. He was taken into the Roman courts before Pontius Pilate, who sent Him back to the Jewish courts. Then he was sent to Golgotha, the place of the skull, to be crucified (Matthew 26:47 - Matthew 27:26).
The Bible says that at noon, the skies got dark and the Earth started to shake. The temple veil was torn from top to bottom to show that no mortal man had absolutely "nothing" to do it. And as Jesus cried out "It is finished! (John 19:30), the people realized that He was no ordinary man.
He was taken down from the cross, prepared for burial, and placed in the tomb to be buried at a later time.
We all know what happened Easter Sunday. He arose. Escaped the tomb and showed himself to his friends, disciples, and rumored 500 others- not just believers, but also cynics- before he ascended into Heaven. With his resurrection, He proved that He was none other than the son of God.
But what about Saturday? Well, after some extensive reading, the only thing I could come up with is this: Saturday was about preparing. The day between the promise and the fulfillment of the promise.
As it says, Pilate pretty much told the Pharisees and high priests to seal his tomb until Sunday, since they didn't have time on that Friday/Saturday to properly dress him for burial (thanks, Sabbath!). The only reasoning they sealed the tomb was because they were afraid that Jesus's disciples would steal his body in the night and essentially "fake" His resurrection.
While the people of Earth were mourning, it says this in Ephesians: "When he ascended on high, he took many captives and gave gifts to his people. (Ephesians 4:8)" When He died, Satan was stripped of his captives and He rescued the righteous ones, from the beginning of time to that very moment. He pretty much put death to death. Dang, Jesus!
But with this information, I want you to think of something: do you have struggles in your life that you feel like aren't being answered or taken care of by God? Do you feel ignored? Like you've been living on a prayer (oh, we're halfway there...)?
Throughout studying the means of Holy Saturday, I realized something: God could've resurrected Jesus as soon as He took His last breath. He could've let Jesus not get crucified. He could've. But as you can see, He didn't.
Maybe what you're going through right now is your waiting period. You feel at your lowest, like no one is coming the rescue. Like you're stuck in your tomb. But it's coming. Your Friday has passed, your Saturday is here, and your Sunday is quickly approaching.
Saturday was a day between the promise and the fulfillment of the promise. And if this is where you are in your walk now, I pray that you stand on this truth. You're in the preparation process. And before you know it, your time of celebration will be here.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Why Do We Put Christianity in a Box?,
This post was inspired by chapter 9 of Jesus > Religion: Why He is So Much Better Than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough by Jefferson Bethke. Definitely one of my recommended reads.
So I will 100% admit: I love my music. I could sit for hours and listen to music, and my CD collection doesn't prove anything different. As of typing this post, I have 103 CDs and over a thousand songs on my iPod, ranging from acoustic to 50's doo-wop to Korean pop to even a hint of hood rap (Childish Gambino and Tupac, anyone?). But as I'm looking through my music and all the genres I listen to, I noticed something pretty peculiar: Christian music is the only genre categorized by religion. There's no Atheist, Buddhist, Pagan, Muslim genres of music... only Christian.
Now, I have nothing against it at all. I completely understand the reasoning. But the thing I became bothered with as I continued to ponder it is the fact that everything that has to do with Jesus or has the word "Hallelujah" in the song is automatically placed in a "Christian" box. Art, music, movies, stories... as soon as religion comes into play, it's immediately put in this box, set to never be seen by those who really need to see it.
But why? Why is Christian art placed in this box without anyone giving it a chance? The only things I could think of are these three things, other than the mention of Jesus: monotony, easy finishes, and a sense of not even caring to even try to push the envelope anymore.
Before I explain, I just want to point out that we don't do this with anything else except art. Here's an example: let's just say you and I are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. The reviews of the place are five-star ratings, so this place must be awesome. But before we order, I decide to ask the waiter: "Excuse me, is the chef in the kitchen Christian? Because if he's not, I definitely can't eat here and need to go somewhere with a Christian chef immediately." I think my waiter would find me extremely nuts if I asked something as crazy as that. We judge people in certain professions based on their field of expertise, not their faith. So why are we doing this with our artists?
So I will 100% admit: I love my music. I could sit for hours and listen to music, and my CD collection doesn't prove anything different. As of typing this post, I have 103 CDs and over a thousand songs on my iPod, ranging from acoustic to 50's doo-wop to Korean pop to even a hint of hood rap (Childish Gambino and Tupac, anyone?). But as I'm looking through my music and all the genres I listen to, I noticed something pretty peculiar: Christian music is the only genre categorized by religion. There's no Atheist, Buddhist, Pagan, Muslim genres of music... only Christian.
Now, I have nothing against it at all. I completely understand the reasoning. But the thing I became bothered with as I continued to ponder it is the fact that everything that has to do with Jesus or has the word "Hallelujah" in the song is automatically placed in a "Christian" box. Art, music, movies, stories... as soon as religion comes into play, it's immediately put in this box, set to never be seen by those who really need to see it.
But why? Why is Christian art placed in this box without anyone giving it a chance? The only things I could think of are these three things, other than the mention of Jesus: monotony, easy finishes, and a sense of not even caring to even try to push the envelope anymore.
Before I explain, I just want to point out that we don't do this with anything else except art. Here's an example: let's just say you and I are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. The reviews of the place are five-star ratings, so this place must be awesome. But before we order, I decide to ask the waiter: "Excuse me, is the chef in the kitchen Christian? Because if he's not, I definitely can't eat here and need to go somewhere with a Christian chef immediately." I think my waiter would find me extremely nuts if I asked something as crazy as that. We judge people in certain professions based on their field of expertise, not their faith. So why are we doing this with our artists?
When it comes to Christian art, it all seems the same to me. I feel like I could probably tell you the plot of a few Christian films with one sentence: a Christian male tries to prove a non-Christian wrong or tries to improve his own life by discovering Jesus and because of this, their significant others break up with them and/or get pregnant and someone else dies. I'm not saying these films aren't good, because they have a great purpose of introducing new Christians to Jesus and even teaching new things to old and new Christ-followers alike. I will confess, if it weren't for the film "To Save a Life", I wouldn't be here worshipping Jesus like I do each and every day. I just think these films could use a little more thought and more creativity, rather than taking a plot that has been used a hundred times and placing it back on the big screen with different actors and settings.
Christian fiction books mostly follow the same format as movies. There's a little bit of a difference, but at the end of the day, they all pretty much have the same premise. Same concept goes with music. Some of these newer musicians are getting real lazy with their songwriting (if you can take your significant other's or crush's name and replace it with God's, there's a bit of a problem there).
So, Carly, I guess that means you live in the world and hate everything Christian. Actually, no. I will admit, I love secular music. Some of my favorite artists are strictly secular, and that's completely okay. The problem with secular music arises when what is being produced is not morally good or glorifying good things. Think about it: Genesis 1 says that God created everything. Trees, music, art, that pizza you're totally thinking about baking sometime this week. God created it. And He said it was good. But these good things God has made become bad things when we abuse them and use these forms of worship to glorify ourselves and our worldly desires.
Two artists I really respect in this tough music industry are Lecrae and TobyMac. When the hip-hop community is starting to get a bad name, from shootings to gang fights and general violence, Lecrae is the one who actually wants to talk to media, rather than avoiding it. Answering their questions. Showing them that the light of Jesus is still in this group of people. Lecrae is one of the few Christian artists that isn't afraid to come out of the woodwork when times get tough and still preaches the Gospel to those who will listen.
On the other hand, TobyMac released an album last year that blew up the Billboard Hot 200, which is a predominantly secular chart. For weeks, Toby was on the top of the charts. And then he won a few major awards at various awards shows. He wasn't TobyMac, the Christian artist, at that time. He was just TobyMac, the artist that created award winning and record breaking music.
Shouldn't that be what all artists strive for? Not to be the best Christian artist, but the best artist of all by showing glory to God while displaying your craft and positively impacting others with your message?
As Christian artists, we should be setting the bar for good art and culture, not hiding ourselves in a box and copying others' art and calling it "Christian". Your art reflects who God is. When you're copying others and not putting in your best efforts, you are lying about who God is. You are showing a false image of Him.
And for those of you who are saying right now that you can't make art, you really can. Art isn't just painting pretty pictures, filming things with a video camera, and singing into a microphone. Do you cook? Sew? Write stories? Rebuild cars? Whatever you're passionate about, do it for the glory of God. Worship Him with your passions. Your passions become God's art.
Listening to your worship playlist isn't worship; it's just an aid for your worship time. When I'm doing things I'm passionate about and creating good things, I find that I'm as connected to Jesus as I am in my prayer time. Why? Because I'm using my gifts that God has blessed me with and am using them to glorify Him and His kingdom.
As this new week is about to begin, I challenge you to glorify God with your passions. And whenever you are doubting your potential, remember that God created you in His image. And out of everything He made in Genesis 1, you are the only thing made in His image. And since He was a creator, you are too.
Monday, March 10, 2014
March 11th: The End of an Era,
Almost two years ago, three days after my 19th birthday, I remember waking up, going to the old silo building on Zuck Road, and getting these little metal death traps called braces cemented in my mouth. After two and a half hours of failed attempts to install my expander and headgear, thinking up a last-minute plan to avoid jaw surgery, and countless other unfortunate events, I was left in the review room with a "How to Take Care of Your New Braces" video and thirteen teddy bears on the wall. And I cried. Why? Because I knew, as a nineteen year old woman, I was now an outcast. I felt ugly, and my teeth were even more of an eyesore.
Throughout this process, though, as my teeth were shifting, I was shifting too. In this two years, I've definitely changed a lot. And it's kind of freaky to think about. Sure, I've physically changed, gaining decent amount of weight and not the most beautiful skin, but there's been a bigger change internally. My braces used to hold me back from so many things. People, events, spontaneous outings... I was scared of it all. It's kind of funny to think that at this moment last year or even two years ago, I was afraid. I'm still scared of some social situations, but not as much as I was before. I've become a more confident, outgoing, and overall happier version of the person I previously was. And I'm loving every second of it.
So tomorrow, when I go the old silo building on Zuck Road for my second to last appointment and get these little miracle workers off my teeth, get them all polished and clean, and throw a retainer in that'll give me a lisp for a few days, I know I'll cry. Not just because I'll be in pain or because I'll have beautiful teeth. But because I'm ending an era of my life. This Tuesday is the close of a chapter in my life that I've been so grateful to have, though a little painful. I can't even express how grateful I am for this part of my life. It's been real, it hasn't been too fun, but it's something I'll always carry with me.
These past two years have been amazing; I can't imagine what this next journey will be! Here's to a new chapter in my life, full of self-confidence and loving myself and everyone around me!
Throughout this process, though, as my teeth were shifting, I was shifting too. In this two years, I've definitely changed a lot. And it's kind of freaky to think about. Sure, I've physically changed, gaining decent amount of weight and not the most beautiful skin, but there's been a bigger change internally. My braces used to hold me back from so many things. People, events, spontaneous outings... I was scared of it all. It's kind of funny to think that at this moment last year or even two years ago, I was afraid. I'm still scared of some social situations, but not as much as I was before. I've become a more confident, outgoing, and overall happier version of the person I previously was. And I'm loving every second of it.
So tomorrow, when I go the old silo building on Zuck Road for my second to last appointment and get these little miracle workers off my teeth, get them all polished and clean, and throw a retainer in that'll give me a lisp for a few days, I know I'll cry. Not just because I'll be in pain or because I'll have beautiful teeth. But because I'm ending an era of my life. This Tuesday is the close of a chapter in my life that I've been so grateful to have, though a little painful. I can't even express how grateful I am for this part of my life. It's been real, it hasn't been too fun, but it's something I'll always carry with me.
These past two years have been amazing; I can't imagine what this next journey will be! Here's to a new chapter in my life, full of self-confidence and loving myself and everyone around me!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
On Lifestyle Changes and Lasting Longer Than 7 Days,
For those of you that know me personally, you know that I'm one of those people that quits easily and very fast. If I mess up on a dance routine or a song I'm trying to play on my keyboard, I don't feel guilty throwing my keyboard back in the closet or hanging up my dancing shoes. It's always been how I am, and I really don't know why. But this time, things are different.
As of Saturday, I can proudly say that I have been living a cleaner, healthier lifestyle for 30 days, something I've never been able to say before. It's kind of nuts to think about, actually. And sure, I've slipped up a few times (cuz I know my mom is gonna see this and say, "CARLY YOU ATE MY LINDOR TRUFFLES YOU LIE" and I do confess to eating Chinese once), but for the most part, I've been testing out a Paleo-based diet with a bit of chicken and seafood for protein, naan for a little bit of carbs, a little bit of cheese and almond milk for my dairy, and a half-gallon jug of water a day. I can happily say that I've never felt better. Sure, I don't look any different and I feel hungry all the time, but those things will change over time. And last night, while I was trying to find myself some zucchini and spinach at Wal-Mart, I thought that I could share how I'm doing as well as I am to people who may not be doing so well or are easy quitters, like myself.
I know I'm not a doctor, personal trainer, nutritionist, psychologist, or any other profession that has to do with health or how the mind works. I'm just a girl that works at Target. But these are just things that have been working really well for me, and maybe they'll work for you too.
So here they are and the answers to my so-called 'success': how am I going longer than seven days of clean eating and not quitting yet? And honestly, it's pretty simple. It's based on these six things:
Whether it's making a healthy meal, packing food for work, taking the long way to get something... anything we may see as small is still considered a victory! When we get into that mindset, it's so much easier to do and conquer new things, because even trying turns into a victory in itself!
But yes, friends. This is really all that it took for me to start living a better life. Sure, it's hard. It's hard to sit in a restaurant with my friends and not be able to order any food there. It's hard to have waiters look at you funny while you ask for a straw for your 'special snack smoothie'. It's hard to sit in my own house sometimes and just know that there's 40 (literally) bags of Twizzlers, little Moon Pies, and chocolates in the cabinets of my stepfather's bar. It's hard after eating to not have more, since I still feel hungry and have to slowly train my stomach and brain about proper portions and limit oily foods. This entire thing, as someone who suffers from a binge eating disorder, is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. But throughout these trials comes good things. Learning new things. Gaining friends and accountability. Substitutions I never knew I could do (I bet you didn't know that you could make ice cream out of peanut butter and frozen bananas, or that you can substitute your fried buffalo chicken wings with baked buffalo cauliflower!). And you know, though it's tough right now, at this very moment, I'm willing to stick it out for another month. Binge eating and PCOS has beaten me before, but this time, I'm not going out without a fight!
As of Saturday, I can proudly say that I have been living a cleaner, healthier lifestyle for 30 days, something I've never been able to say before. It's kind of nuts to think about, actually. And sure, I've slipped up a few times (cuz I know my mom is gonna see this and say, "CARLY YOU ATE MY LINDOR TRUFFLES YOU LIE" and I do confess to eating Chinese once), but for the most part, I've been testing out a Paleo-based diet with a bit of chicken and seafood for protein, naan for a little bit of carbs, a little bit of cheese and almond milk for my dairy, and a half-gallon jug of water a day. I can happily say that I've never felt better. Sure, I don't look any different and I feel hungry all the time, but those things will change over time. And last night, while I was trying to find myself some zucchini and spinach at Wal-Mart, I thought that I could share how I'm doing as well as I am to people who may not be doing so well or are easy quitters, like myself.
I know I'm not a doctor, personal trainer, nutritionist, psychologist, or any other profession that has to do with health or how the mind works. I'm just a girl that works at Target. But these are just things that have been working really well for me, and maybe they'll work for you too.
So here they are and the answers to my so-called 'success': how am I going longer than seven days of clean eating and not quitting yet? And honestly, it's pretty simple. It's based on these six things:
- Having my own money and no restrictions on what I can/can't buy. Pretty simple concept. I'm working. I have my own money. And I work in a store where they now sell all kinds of good things for me. So, instead of my parents getting mad that I need a $5 bottle of flax seed oil, a half gallon water bottle, and a pair of yoga pants and spending their money, I'm able to get these things and not feel guilty asking anyone for help.
- Experimenting. I'm not a huge fan of vegetables. The only vegetables I used to enjoy were potato chips and fried zucchini and eggplant. What a food palette, huh? But, when you're living a healthier life, you have to break out of your normal habits and start trying new things. Don't start crazy with vegetables you don't like! That's a no-no! I started with zucchini for three reasons: I really liked fried zucchini, my grandma used to make me zucchini at her house every summer, and I thought it'd be a real great start in my vegetable adventures. Now, I can seriously say that I know how to make pizza and chips out of zucchini, and they're absolutely fantastic, plus a lot of other things! And yes, I've already experimented with other veggies too: broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, tomatoes (shut up I know they're fruit, I still hate them)... and my next experiment? Spinach. By golly, pray for me.
- Pinterest. Holy crap, can I just get married to Pinterest? I mean, even I have a secret board of some things I'd want in my wedding, and I've been single since the serpent convinced Adam and Eve to eat the apple off the Tree of Good and Evil. No matter what you think of Pinterest, type in the words 'healthy recipes' and thousands of delicious meals are on your computer screen or phone, ready to be pinned, read, and tried in your own kitchen. And that is what I love about it! I don't think of those colorful, delicious recipes by myself... I'm not that smart! Thank you, guy/girl who invented Pinterest. You're my hero. If you want to find me on Pinterest and follow me, go to http://pinterest.com/WizCarlyfuh. I'd love for you to join my pinning adventures!
- Accountability. This concept is something I've really never had before. And I know my mom is gonna read this, so I know she's gonna be like, "Excuse me Carly, I was your accountability partner." But do you know how easy it is to skip a workout or eat all the rigatoni in the fridge or buy a couple bags of chips and sneak them all into your room when your accountability partner is at work and not checking up on you? Well, I'll tell you: it's so easy that I gained as much weight as a 3-year-old child in one year, along with my various health issues. And to give you a perspective, an average 3-year-old child weighs at least 40-50 pounds. You're welcome for the visual. But back on track now... this year, a group of friends and I are starting a focus group, with workouts, snacks, and a study. And the best part? Each of us has an accountability partner. And we're all each other's accountability partners. That's absolutely crazy! So I went from having 0 accountability partners to like... 20. Pretty nuts!
- Taking it slow. I've been one of those people that makes it their new year's resolution to get thinner. Every damn year. And every time, I start way too fast. I work out for an hour on the Wii. I take carrots to work. I try to eat yogurt, even though I hate yogurt. And because I did things so quickly, my body just didn't have time to get used to the dramatic change. So it makes me become less motivated... very quickly. I take a day off after day 5 and all that work I put into myself the past four days becomes a waste of time. Yoga Lady on Wii complains the next time I go on that she hasn't worked out with me in four months. The carrots are thrown away and the yogurt forms a moldy film. Take things slow! I started out with healthy eating, and have gradually starting putting workouts in my daily routine. Maybe that'll work for you too!
- Noting every victory. Speaking of the focus group, we got these notebooks at the focus group. We were never given any direction as to what we were supposed to do with them, so I did something on my own: every day, I try to write at least one healthy thing I did for myself.
Whether it's making a healthy meal, packing food for work, taking the long way to get something... anything we may see as small is still considered a victory! When we get into that mindset, it's so much easier to do and conquer new things, because even trying turns into a victory in itself!
But yes, friends. This is really all that it took for me to start living a better life. Sure, it's hard. It's hard to sit in a restaurant with my friends and not be able to order any food there. It's hard to have waiters look at you funny while you ask for a straw for your 'special snack smoothie'. It's hard to sit in my own house sometimes and just know that there's 40 (literally) bags of Twizzlers, little Moon Pies, and chocolates in the cabinets of my stepfather's bar. It's hard after eating to not have more, since I still feel hungry and have to slowly train my stomach and brain about proper portions and limit oily foods. This entire thing, as someone who suffers from a binge eating disorder, is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. But throughout these trials comes good things. Learning new things. Gaining friends and accountability. Substitutions I never knew I could do (I bet you didn't know that you could make ice cream out of peanut butter and frozen bananas, or that you can substitute your fried buffalo chicken wings with baked buffalo cauliflower!). And you know, though it's tough right now, at this very moment, I'm willing to stick it out for another month. Binge eating and PCOS has beaten me before, but this time, I'm not going out without a fight!
Sunday, February 2, 2014
I'm Scared,
I'm not here to entertain or enlighten anyone like I usually try and do. I honestly don't have the capacity to do that at the moment. I'm here as one human being, connecting and communicating to you because I am not happy. I'm not happy with myself and I guess I just need to communicate about it.
I know it's weird. I know that you're probably thinking, "Carly! Do what you want! You shouldn't care what other people think and be the person you want to be instead!" but I can't help but care about what other people think of me. Worrying about what you think about me has been my entire life.
I feel like I've never been the best version of myself. I say I'm going to try and get into school, but I remember that the government doesn't like to accept my FAFSA forms, so I get lazy and stop trying, let alone caring. I say that I'm going to register to a gym or finish my driving lessons, but I realize that I don't have enough money for either and I quit. When it comes to my graphic design stuff, I haven't been doing as many as I used to, which is pretty unacceptable to me seeing as I've done it before, but I also realize that there are way better artists than me. Hell, I even started directing the people that have asked me to do graphics to the people I know are better than me. Plus, I don't think that the stuff I've been creating recently has been as good as it used to be, and it just makes me, well... disappointed and frustrated. So I do the thing I'm most talented at: I quit. I throw in the towel and call it a day. I'm trying so hard to be the person I want to be, but every time I pull up a blank file or start up a university website or attempt to find a decently delicious recipe for this weight-loss plan I keep trying to do, I get absolutely terrified to create or even try. Like, genuinely scared.
And the thing I'm scared of? Honestly, it's you. The person I'm talking to at this moment. I've learned in this short lifespan that I've experienced that people do a lot of things to impress people; to get people to like them. I remember having a conversation with one of my bosses and he was telling me that he was learning this particular song on the guitar for this girl he was interested in. I had asked him if he liked playing guitar, and all he could reply with was, "Not really, but girls like guitars." So, was he trying to tell me the only reason he was inspired to pick up a guitar was because he wanted a particular girl to have an interest for him?
And I think that's why a lot of us do anything in this life. Whether we learn a new sport or instrument, pick up a new hobby, dress differently, change our interests... we spend our lives obsessing over whether people will like us. When I was in high school, as a young kid being picked on for no particular reason, all I wanted in life was for people to like me. But once I got out of high school and was introduced to the people I have now, I had surrounded myself with so many people that actually did like me (or so I hope), more people than I had ever imagined and my confidence had boosted to highs that I've never experienced before. But over the course of a few months, with diagnoses up the wazoo, an excessive amount of weight coming from God knows where, friends slowing dwindling away, losing inspiration towards things, and countless other factors, my confidence has shriveled down to practically nothing. And what holds me back sometimes is when I try to do something, I'm afraid that people won't like what I'm doing, which will in turn make them not like me. And so I run away from the situation, which is another one of my many useless talents in life, and pretend that that particular thing was never on my mind to even try.
I know it's weird. I know that you're probably thinking, "Carly! Do what you want! You shouldn't care what other people think and be the person you want to be instead!" but I can't help but care about what other people think of me. Worrying about what you think about me has been my entire life.
Even though my social anxiety is getting better, I still get worried about what other people think of me every single day, and it's a struggle. What do my friends think of me? What kinds of conversations do they have about me when I'm not around? What are things that are flawed about me that they've seemed to notice, but wouldn't dare say to my face? Why do they pick other people for things over me? And another one: do they even talk about me at all? Do they even care about me enough to discuss the mere topic about me? Yes, guys... this is just a portion of how this brain of mine works. I know I appear to be a happy, energetic person, but no one really understands that while I'm laughing and trying to put on a smile, I'm fighting this internal battle every time I look at someone. Even when I am genuinely happy, I feel like I'm putting on a show for people so that they will someday like me. So that I'm worthy of friendship, a date, a new job... anything that'll get me connected with people I'm certain like me.
My hope is that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that everyone just secretly feels this way, in one way or another. But honestly, I don't know that for sure. And if there is a solution, other than trying to not care as much about what other people think, I honestly don't know how to even do that.
All I've ever wanted to do with my life is make and do things that make me and other people happy, and I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my limited time on this planet. But I guess I just have to hope that I have the capacity to even take the first step and begin striving to be the person I want to be, because I honestly don't know. I'm generally unsure, and that scares me a lot.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
On Internships and Growing Up,
When you're growing up, it's certain that you will get asked what you want to be when you grow up. And honestly, I hate that question. As I'm sitting here tonight, I really don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I enjoy, what my passions or hobbies are, or even what really gets me out of bed every morning other than the fact that I need to pay my last orthodontics payment in less than 20 days. It kind of sucks, especially when I'm in an entire room with some of my friends, with their fancy degrees and talking about their upcoming classes. And then there's me, the girl with the high school diploma and no clue what direction to go next.
There's a part of me that just wants to apply to cool internships and see where it takes me. New York City, Chicago, Portland, Los Angeles... the possibilities are endless! There's definitely a couple of internships I've dreamed of landing, but I know they're probably way out of my reach, due to the lack of any college education.
Ever since I met the Buried Life last year and one of the guys pretty much offered me an internship with their documentary, I've been almost obsessed with landing any sort of internship and traveling anywhere. I feel like there's no purpose for me in Erie anymore, other than working at least five hours a week at Target and build blanket forts in between my dresser and mattress and hide away in it. I mean, I have my friends and my family (it seems like the majority of them don't get along with my immediate family anyways, so they won't even notice I'm gone), but I'm not in school, I'm not anticipating a boyfriend anytime soon, I've got no kids, and I'm young! This is a perfect time for me to be traveling and experiencing what this chunk of rock has to offer.
Being a little bit of an Internet buff, one of the main internships I've recently been aiming for is for Philip DeFranco's little project he has going on in the YouTube community. He's currently running four very successful channels, including his own channel, which has received over 3 million subscribers in the past seven years he's been involved, SourceFed and it's counterpart, SourceFedNERD, and ForHumanPeoples, a clothing company that has also turned into another successful channel. Overall, Phil has accumulated a community of over four and a half million people, which is pretty insane to think about. And you know what? Phil dropped out of college. He worked hard to get to where he is, from having nothing to pretty much owning a company, a news website, and impacting lives every single day.
I've been watching Phil since he still called himself 'sXePhil' and had a different into to his videos every week in 2009. I was only 16, but I think Phil sparked interests in me that I've never had before: politics, world news and history, the occasional celebrity news. And when it comes to SourceFed and NERD, I'm opening up to more things that I didn't think I would ever be interested in again, including anime, movies, video games, technology, and community. Plus, I've been messing around with graphic design for a while (which I kinda suck at), and the launch of ForHumanPeoples' "Drawing Board" segment has totally made me a little inspired to start trying to pen down some cool designs for their shirts, and even trying to draw a little better than I do now.
When I found out there were a few young people my age with internships at these places, it really sparked something in me to just keep trying for anything. Sourcefed is my tip of the mountain, but any cool internship with awesome opportunities would be just as awesome. I know that since I'm not anyone special, this probably will never happen, but as a young person dreaming to get out of the snowy state she's always known, I'll shoot higher than the moon when it comes to my dreams, and I'm totally okay with shooting higher than I think I can reach.
If Phil actually sees this, that'd be pretty cool. I think he needs to know that there are people being changed for the better from his story and all the hard work he's put into all his projects the past seven years. I hope to someday be a part of this growth, but if I cannot, I'm more than content with watching him be successful with the people he loves and appreciates.
Life is all about experiencing cool stuff and being satisfactory with where you're at in life. So, though I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life, am extremely single, am possibly dying from a disease that I have no idea about, and don't know my passions in life, I at least want to be happy when I essentially 'grow up'. If happiness is all I get from this life, I think I'll be content, but I at least wanna experience some cool things during the ride.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Why I Probably Won't Be Drinking on my 21st
Today marks three months until my 21st birthday. And from what I've seen for most of my life, turning 21 is probably one of the momentous birthdays, mostly because you can start drinking... and people seem to love to get a kick out of that! A lot of people recently have been asking what I'm going to do for my 21st birthday, like what my plans are and their more important question: what will my first drink as a legal adult be? And my answers? I'm probably not doing anything, unless some people really want to get together, and it's almost certain that I won't have a drink at all for my birthday.
Now, before I go on, I don't want anyone to think that I'm condoning anyone who drinks. And if you think my views are based on my religious faith, you are very wrong. Okay, so anyways...
As a kid, I was surrounded by a negative influence when it comes to drinking. My dad was a very heavy drinker, taking me to bars every weekend, almost making names like "Bill's" and "Star" second homes to me. In the past twenty years, he's so dependent on alcohol to live his daily life that if he doesn't consume it, he gets real bad seizures. Seeing an influence like that pretty much set in stone at a very young age that drinking would not be in my future anytime soon.
In high school, there were a decent amount of kids that would go out and drink after football games or homecoming. And that's totally normal! Everyone has their groups in high school that do those things. But I remember being that one kid who wanted to scream at them and be like, "Guys! Look what you're going to do to yourself!" and show them a picture of my dad. As a bullied high school kid with no friends, though, all it would do is paint a bigger target on my back, so I never said a word.
And now, being graduated and out of school, I see the effects alcohol has on former friends. Some are still pretty normal and I love talking to them, but there are some that I can't even be around anymore. My family always says that my father was a kind and generous guy, but only when he was sober. As soon as he had a drink in his hand, he was a completely different person. It really changes people, and I never really noticed it until I saw it in my friends that I knew for years, being reunited with them for the first time in years and seeing a completely different person. I imagine it being like being told something completely opposite from what you've always known, like the color green is actually called pink. (I don't know, I tried thinking of a good analogy but I couldn't think of anything.) I sometimes get picked on for feeling uncomfortable around people while they're drinking and I think I understand why: people are different when they drink, and I don't like it. It's uncomfortable for me, personally, and if drinking is ever involved, I'd rather remove myself from the situation so not only I'm uncomfortable, but they're not uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable, if that makes sense.
Instead of getting wasted and not remembering anything from my 21st birthday, I want to be surrounded by people I like and reflect on the past 365 days I've lived. Tell stories, laugh, cry, take silly pictures, sing, dance... maybe hold a dog. It's a miracle I'm even here in the first place. What's the point of celebrating if you're not going to remember it? I'm totally cool with celebrating the past 21 years I've been blessed to wake up and walk the Earth with people that appreciate my presence in their lives instead of celebrating the fact that I can hold animals at animal shelters and drink alcohol.
Now, before I go on, I don't want anyone to think that I'm condoning anyone who drinks. And if you think my views are based on my religious faith, you are very wrong. Okay, so anyways...
As a kid, I was surrounded by a negative influence when it comes to drinking. My dad was a very heavy drinker, taking me to bars every weekend, almost making names like "Bill's" and "Star" second homes to me. In the past twenty years, he's so dependent on alcohol to live his daily life that if he doesn't consume it, he gets real bad seizures. Seeing an influence like that pretty much set in stone at a very young age that drinking would not be in my future anytime soon.
In high school, there were a decent amount of kids that would go out and drink after football games or homecoming. And that's totally normal! Everyone has their groups in high school that do those things. But I remember being that one kid who wanted to scream at them and be like, "Guys! Look what you're going to do to yourself!" and show them a picture of my dad. As a bullied high school kid with no friends, though, all it would do is paint a bigger target on my back, so I never said a word.
And now, being graduated and out of school, I see the effects alcohol has on former friends. Some are still pretty normal and I love talking to them, but there are some that I can't even be around anymore. My family always says that my father was a kind and generous guy, but only when he was sober. As soon as he had a drink in his hand, he was a completely different person. It really changes people, and I never really noticed it until I saw it in my friends that I knew for years, being reunited with them for the first time in years and seeing a completely different person. I imagine it being like being told something completely opposite from what you've always known, like the color green is actually called pink. (I don't know, I tried thinking of a good analogy but I couldn't think of anything.) I sometimes get picked on for feeling uncomfortable around people while they're drinking and I think I understand why: people are different when they drink, and I don't like it. It's uncomfortable for me, personally, and if drinking is ever involved, I'd rather remove myself from the situation so not only I'm uncomfortable, but they're not uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable, if that makes sense.
Instead of getting wasted and not remembering anything from my 21st birthday, I want to be surrounded by people I like and reflect on the past 365 days I've lived. Tell stories, laugh, cry, take silly pictures, sing, dance... maybe hold a dog. It's a miracle I'm even here in the first place. What's the point of celebrating if you're not going to remember it? I'm totally cool with celebrating the past 21 years I've been blessed to wake up and walk the Earth with people that appreciate my presence in their lives instead of celebrating the fact that I can hold animals at animal shelters and drink alcohol.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
There's Always Time to Build a Fort,
So recently, I went on the hunt for a very popular book by the ever fabulous Rainn Wilson. And finally, after checking four websites and two bookstores, I got my hands on SoulPancake, a book chock full of 'life's biggest questions'. So, for a little while anyway, I decided to place some of my answers to the many questions that are stuffed in this book... starting with this one.
List five things you can learn from a five-year-old.
Whether you like kids or not, it's pretty obvious that being around them makes you learn a few things. I have three nieces, one's almost 11, one's 9, and one's 5 (I think...), and every time I see them, they always teach me something. It must be their innocence; the only things they have to worry about are whether it'll be too cold for recess and what Mom is cooking for dinner. And though the majority of the traffic on my blog is adults and older teenagers, I think we can all agree that sometimes, going back to that mindset of 'hakuna matata' is pretty liberating and relaxing for the mind. It's time we take a break from all the craziness of adulthood for a few minutes and just think: what can I do to live a happier life? I asked myself this exact thing earlier today and this is what I thought of:- Be spontaneous. Live like every day is your birthday. Take a different route to work. Try different, exotic foods. Go to a coffee shop you don't go to that often... heck, my Starbucks worshippers should try sitting in a Dunkin Donuts for a day. Go watch a movie by yourself or gather up a group of friends and go on a mini adventure. Build a blanket fort in your room and read books under it, or... I don't know, jump off a bridge and into a lake. But a small bridge, because I love you too much for you to jump off a big bridge and hurt yourself. Do things that you'll look back on and, whether they be exciting or not, will be worth telling a story when you're older... even if it is stepping out of your comfort zone and sitting in a Dunkin Donuts.
- Do your own thing and always have the courage to be yourself. Don't worry if people aren't into it! I've learned from a real young age that you cannot impress everyone. Not everyone is going to like shonin anime, share a matching 'Troy and Abed in the Morning' mug with you, understand your Doctor Who references, rap about pizza queens, or gawk at the perfection that is the cast of Teen Wolf's abs (confession... I'm talking about me). Don't let other people stop you from liking things! If you wanna dye your hair blue one day and wear a t-shirt plastered with cats, you go for it.
- Be open about your feelings. Even if it has to resort to miming them. It's important to talk and communicate with those you care about. When you keep all that junk inside, you just turn into this ugly, moldy pizza left in the fridge for a few weeks. Now who wants to eat a moldy pizza? People will still tolerate and love you, because you're pizza, but they definitely won't try to take a bite out of you! You should strive to be a happy, fresh pizza! Everyone loves a fresh pizza!
- Dance like people are watching. You deserve an audience. And never, EVER go to a wedding without a few good moves up your sleeve.
- Be a star. Well...
And these aren't all the things we've learned from kids. There's so many, I can't even count. So I guess that's something I think you should ponder on today. What can I learn from the younger generation that'll help me live a happier life? Sometimes, it takes getting down to a child's level to see the simplicity of life. We just have to take that initiative to get down there.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Your Top Five,
So, for those of you that know my internet usage, I'm on a lot. And one of the things I'm on a lot is Twitter. I follow a lot of different people, from YouTubers to TV stars and interesting regulars. Now, one of the people I follow, Michael Fjordbak (if you don't know who he is, get acquainted before his career blows up... a very talented and nice guy!) posted this today and it inspired me to write this.
A lot of us are going through tough times. And when you are going through these tough times, the most important thing is to find a person or people that are going to be available to you so you can talk and express your feelings. People that, even if you don't need advice, will be available to sit and listen.
As a Christian, I have a strong belief that the Lord has blessed me with the gift of listening. I may not be able to string the right words into sentences properly, but my young brain is like a treasure chest full of many of my friends' struggles and secrets. And that's okay! I'm so glad they see me as a person they can spill their junk on and hopefully, what I say helps them in their journey.
Do you remember those old T-Mobile commercials where they would talk about establishing your 'top five' contacts? Well, that's my advice to you: find your top five. Find those people that you'll be comfortable talking to, no matter the time or the situation. Find those people that'll just sit and listen. Because when times get tough, your heart gets heavy, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's isn't helping, the most important thing to have is a community of friends that'll pick you up, dust you off, and even share that pint of Ben and Jerry's so you don't suffer from a tummy ache all alone.
As a Christian, I have a strong belief that the Lord has blessed me with the gift of listening. I may not be able to string the right words into sentences properly, but my young brain is like a treasure chest full of many of my friends' struggles and secrets. And that's okay! I'm so glad they see me as a person they can spill their junk on and hopefully, what I say helps them in their journey.
Do you remember those old T-Mobile commercials where they would talk about establishing your 'top five' contacts? Well, that's my advice to you: find your top five. Find those people that you'll be comfortable talking to, no matter the time or the situation. Find those people that'll just sit and listen. Because when times get tough, your heart gets heavy, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's isn't helping, the most important thing to have is a community of friends that'll pick you up, dust you off, and even share that pint of Ben and Jerry's so you don't suffer from a tummy ache all alone.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Musings at 3am,
A few weeks ago, I confessed to a guy I had been talking to for a few weeks that I had feelings for him. If you know me, this is one of the hardest things I can do with anyone. I have these spasms of anxiety every now and then that like to come back and haunt me with tongue-tied words, awkward sweating, and absolutely no eye contact. And yes, as you would figure, the guy rejected me, like they all do. But it was the way he rejected me that struck a cord.
When I told him, all he did was look at me and say, "You're one of the nicest girls I know and your personality is spot on, but you don't have the look I'm looking for." The look. Excuse me?
No, I'm not tall or blonde or blue eyed or tan. The gene pool didn't really work in my favor in that department. My upper lip isn't as full as my lower lip and my teeth are fucked up and my nose looks like the nose on your grandmother's old Santa ornaments she puts on her tree on Christmas. I'm probably the largest 5'1'' girl you've ever seen, but I really can't help that either, since... well, I'm probably dying of some fucking cancer or some other unknown disorder my doctors don't know anything about. I would've rather have been told that I was way too fat for him than to be told that I didn't have "the look".
I feel like I run into this problem a lot. That because of my size, I'm 'undateable'. And if that is the only problem with me and why I've been single for the past 5+ years, then I'm never going to find anyone at this rate.
Another thing: I am such a hypocrite with this, but I'm sick and tired of people telling me that "good things come to people who wait". Excuse me, I've been waiting for over five years to be a skinny, beautiful woman with no irregularities about her and who men find to be this absolutely beautiful creature sent from the Heavens. I've been waiting for over five years too look like a normal fucking human being, and that obviously is never going to come for me. No matter how hard I pray, no matter how tough my exterior is, no matter how many friends I make or how much community service I do or how many times my doctors make me not eat, I will never look normal. I'm always going to have these stretch marks, and they're only going to get larger. I'm always going to look like this, and I'm only going to get bigger. No one will love me for me because my Stein Leventhal is getting in the fucking way and I'm so sick and tired of being alone.
All I want is for someone to make me feel beautiful and special. For just one night. Take me to a light dinner. Let's take a stroll in the park at night. Look at the stars. Just him and I. Hold my hand and dance with me under the stars. Make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
But this probably will never happen. Because I'm me, and nothing good ever happens with me.
When I told him, all he did was look at me and say, "You're one of the nicest girls I know and your personality is spot on, but you don't have the look I'm looking for." The look. Excuse me?
No, I'm not tall or blonde or blue eyed or tan. The gene pool didn't really work in my favor in that department. My upper lip isn't as full as my lower lip and my teeth are fucked up and my nose looks like the nose on your grandmother's old Santa ornaments she puts on her tree on Christmas. I'm probably the largest 5'1'' girl you've ever seen, but I really can't help that either, since... well, I'm probably dying of some fucking cancer or some other unknown disorder my doctors don't know anything about. I would've rather have been told that I was way too fat for him than to be told that I didn't have "the look".
I feel like I run into this problem a lot. That because of my size, I'm 'undateable'. And if that is the only problem with me and why I've been single for the past 5+ years, then I'm never going to find anyone at this rate.
Another thing: I am such a hypocrite with this, but I'm sick and tired of people telling me that "good things come to people who wait". Excuse me, I've been waiting for over five years to be a skinny, beautiful woman with no irregularities about her and who men find to be this absolutely beautiful creature sent from the Heavens. I've been waiting for over five years too look like a normal fucking human being, and that obviously is never going to come for me. No matter how hard I pray, no matter how tough my exterior is, no matter how many friends I make or how much community service I do or how many times my doctors make me not eat, I will never look normal. I'm always going to have these stretch marks, and they're only going to get larger. I'm always going to look like this, and I'm only going to get bigger. No one will love me for me because my Stein Leventhal is getting in the fucking way and I'm so sick and tired of being alone.
All I want is for someone to make me feel beautiful and special. For just one night. Take me to a light dinner. Let's take a stroll in the park at night. Look at the stars. Just him and I. Hold my hand and dance with me under the stars. Make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
But this probably will never happen. Because I'm me, and nothing good ever happens with me.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Change,
"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." ~Alan Watts
It's crazy to think how much a person can change in a period of time. Whether it be from their hairstyles and clothing choices, to where the place their faith or their general attitude. A few years ago, after my friend's suicide, my high school placed me under intensive therapy during hours because of me lashing out and becoming extremely depressed and anxious my senior year... along with telling my assistant principal that I was seeing my friend in the hallways covered in blood, but hey... that's not an issue, right?
I was originally going to write this post about a dream that I had and draw a nice picture of it on one of my drawing pads, but when cleaning out my closet, I found my old journal from said intensive therapy. Flipping through it, I realized that though I was coming off as normal to my peers and teachers (well, for the most part), I was one messed up seventeen year old. I'm going to put some excerpts below. And I'm warning/reminding you: this stuff was from two or more years ago. I do not feel these intense feelings anymore. Grant it, they do come back sometimes, but not in the way they did at this time. And it's pretty sad that I was thinking/writing these things right before my 18th birthday.
The assignment I had from my therapist was to take a week and essentially write to my dead friend, Shane. So during this week, that's all I did. And these are the results. Take a look. I'll only provide with some of the journal entry, because it does get pretty explicit and vulgar with the language, but it's actually pretty interesting.
------------
April 18-19, 2011
Shane,
A few days ago, my therapist gave me this worksheet to do so I could "communicate" with you and express my feelings. Like that's gonna f***ing work. It's not like I'm gonna fill out some goddamn paper and *poof*, there you are to tell me everything's going to be okay. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. But I'm still going to do this stupid paper, so that my therapist doesn't write me as "clinically insane" and I can possibly graduate a decent human being.
I remember one of the questions being about song lyrics that reminded me of you. Well, that's a little hard because all you listened to was country, and you know I avoid that s**t like the black plague. The only thing I could think of was that one song that kept playing on your slideshow. It was some Sarah MacLaclan song, and the only reason why I remember was because it's always on those ridiculous ASPCA commercials you used to make fun of. What irony. You don't understand. I looked right at your body that day right when that song came on. I wanted to scream and tell you to get up... the joke was over and you could get up, but you never did. I PLEADED WITH THE LORD IN MY HEAD FOR YOU TO COME BACK AND YOU NEVER DID. I wanna see you, not hear some stupid, sappy f***ing songs that remind me of you or pictures or videos that remind me of you. I don't want reminders. I want you. I wanna hear your voice, you laugh... I'm starting to forget what you sound like and it scares me to f***ing death how much I will remember of you in the next year. You'll never understand what we have to go through.
You make me feel so guilty. You being so selfish and taking your life has given me so much guilt. Why did you send me that f***ing text?! You never should've sent me that... maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty. You should've just done it and not told anyone, especially me. I probably would feel a little guilty because I never saw that side of you, but you gave me an opportunity at two in the goddamn morning to save you and I never took it. I hate myself everyday. I hate it when I wake up in the morning and you're not here for me to call or text or message on Facebook or see at church... hell, you're not available to do anything because you're f***ing dead!
Every day, I see you in the hallways. Covered in blood. Screaming. Telling me it was my fault. I wake up every day and want to end my life. I can't take this anymore. If I was brave enough, I would probably do the same thing you did. But how wimpy am I to not do it, huh? At least you don't have to experience everything afterwards.
I got my acceptance letter for Edinboro on April Fool's Day, and to be honest, joke's on them because I don't even wanna go anymore. I know you wanted to go there with me and now the thought sickens me.
Every morning is the same routine. I wake up with a struggle, knowing you won't be there. I put on your bracelets again, look at your name, and think, "Could I have saved you? Could I have done something to save you so you'd still be here? Could I have done anything?" And the answer is always the same. No.
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Less than two months after this entry, I did something my guidance counselor told me I'd never do because of my behavior: I graduated in the top third of my graduating class, almost hitting the honor roll. I didn't get to go to school, but I got my first job (ironically at the place he was working when he died) and have met the most wonderful and supportive people there. I made new friends, something I thought I'd never do. I've become an activist for suicide and depression awareness and support.
I'm not one hundred percent happy or over Shane's suicide. These things take time. But I'm happier than I was. And that's the most important thing.
If you're ever feeling the way I was in that journal entry, or have a friend/loved one feeling that way, here are some resources you can use to get better. Don't be afraid to take the first step. That's the most important one.
~Carly
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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK
Hopeline:
http://hopeline.com/ or 1-800-442-HOPE
Other options:
- There should be a list of local suicide hotlines in your local telephone book.
- Dial 411 and ask for a local suicide hotline.
- Dial 0 and ask for a local suicide hotline.
- Call 911. Tell them you are in suicidal danger. They will help.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Monday, October 28, 2013
A Short Post About Love,
Sometimes, I feel like love has become superficial. One sided. Critical. Love is not something that can be thrown around like a ratty rag doll that should go to waste. Love isn't achieved when reaching a finish line or checking off all the opposite person's requirements.
Love is when you accept someone with all their imperfections, stupidities, and ugly points, and still see their perfection whilst knowing of their imperfections.
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