I haven't slept in two days. It's 6am, an ungodly time for me to be awake, but I've been thinking a lot about this year. No, this isn't your usual "new year, new me" post... at least I hope it's not by the end of it.
I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I've been mean, petty, arrogant... even distant at times. But worst of all, I've hurt a lot of people. Some on accident, some on purpose, and most of them people I claimed to love and admire.
It's one of the unfortunate realities of being human. One of the things that makes us beautiful, though, is that we can find these flaws and strive to make them better. I'm sure you'll agree though... some of us are better at this than others.
I'm not afraid to admit that I've lost the majority of my friends this year. Maybe it's because I place my work precedent over casual hang outs, my wardrobe consisting of nothing but black on black with a touch of green during the day and a pair of sweats and blankets after 10. Maybe it's because I'm literally running the finances of an entire household and making sure they're taken care of while getting backlash over our already dirt cheap rent. Oh, did I mention this is the first time I'm doing this, I pretty much taught myself everything, and made a fool-proof budget plan by myself? Maybe it's because I'm not as active in ministry anymore because my mental health, unfortunately, has to come first. Some people don't understand that as much as I've had to the past year, but I learned in the hardest and darkest way possible. I don't wish it on anyone. Maybe it's because I'm always depressed because of a diagnosis I haven't told anyone about except the people I work with and the few people outside of my work circle... but everyone assumes I'm fine. And it's okay. Even though this is something so much bigger than I am and I can never wrap my brain around it, I always assume I'm fine, too.
Or maybe... just maybe, I've finally found enough value in myself to realize that I deserve people that are there for me when I need help, too. I'm not just here to serve everyone else. I'm also here to take care of myself, and that's something I'm proud to have realized this year. No one can take that away from me.
I can sit here and say that everything is going to change this year. How I'm gonna be a different person come midnight tonight. How I'm gonna start taking care of myself, get 8+ hours of sleep, go to college, not let people affect my moods and how I feel about myself, take more time for me, make friends, stop being so depressed and anxious and scatterbrained all the time... but this is what I tell myself every year. And I fail big time. This pile of things I want to make better for me gets piled higher and wider the more I think about it. But I always try.
The thing about this huge, colossal pile is that it's not gonna be defeated in a day. Every day is a chance to take a small, manageable chunk off of the pile and work at that small piece, then move on to the next manageable piece. Changing yourself isn't about overwhelming yourself. It's about taking one small step at a time until you reach your goal.
Now, I'm not trying to turn over a new leaf; these aren't things one can just will into their personality. It takes time... a person is molded and shaped over a course of days and weeks, months and years. I know I'm not gonna get it right the first time. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to stumble, and I'm surely going to disappoint myself and everyone around me along the way. But as a friend once said, "Success is perserverance through failure and it's through failure that I will perservere to become the person I want to be." That is where I set my sights; setting a goal I know I will probably never achieve because perfection is impossible but nonetheless will persue until the day I die.
What is it they say? It's the journey, not the destination.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Friday, September 25, 2015
February 2, 2014 4:52 pm,
If you have never been on my blog before, this email is a response to this blog post I wrote over a year ago. This email is not edited; every word you see is the original text. I'm posting this more for me than anything. This isn't going to be posted around or advertised. If you stumble upon this, congratulations. And if you are "Timothy Kreider", I hope to hear from you soon.
Until next time, Carly
Until next time, Carly
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Carly,
I'm sure receiving this will be as strange for you as it is for me to write it. I've blogged occasionally and it always strikes me as strange when a stranger responds to something I've written out of the blue, and I suddenly realize yes, what I wrote is open to the entire internet. So on that note, let me just say: Im not a stalker, or even a stranger technically. Yes I'm using a fake name and email address, but i think what i have to say is more important than who is saying it. I do this sometimes, I see someone who I want to talk to but whether its my natural shyness, my worry about how they will perceive my words due to who I am, or just my love of mystery and pretending to be mysterious, I choose to respond anonymously. The anonymity of the internet can be dangerous and misused sometimes...but I'd like to believe that when something important needs to be said, sometimes an anonymous author can say it better than anyone. And honestly, the main reason I'm writing right now is to say thank you.
The internet can promote a false sense of intimacy. You can hide behind photoshopped photos or a clever screen name. You can tweak little bits about yourself without anyone ever knowing. You can pick and choose your words carefully, delete something you didn't want to say, and use google to expand your word pallet. The point I think I'm getting is sometimes its just a little to easy to lie to the world wide web. So I'd like to thank you for your honesty in your last post. Its hard to open up in person, harder to put yourself out there for EVERYONE. And I'm sure your Facebook and phone will be blowing up with encouragement from those who love and care about you once people see what you have written. And you should listen to that love and encouragement, because I find many of us take it for granted.
However, I know that sometimes thats not enough. I want to answer one of your questions-no. You are not the only one that feels the way you do. I think everyone does as you do, puts on a mask, hides the truth, puts on a show. Heck, if you asked any of my friends, they would describe me as a person with the utmost confidence, yet here I am, hiding behind a false name.
And I don't know why that is, why I'm more comfortable attempting to encourage people as Timothy Kreider than I would be as me. Its stupid. Its illogical. And as someone who holds logic in the highest of regards when it comes to decision making, it doesn't fit into my personality.
I apologize for my rambling. I started this email with the intention of sharing a little and giving my best attempt at anonymous encouragement. But I find when I'm not pretending to be me, its easier to be myself. And the real me, the myself me, is scared too. I'm scared of me. I'm scared to sit still and think for too long because I'm afraid I'll get apathetic. I keep myself unhealthily busy because I'd rather be stressed then have five minutes alone with myself. And I tell you this not to invoke your sympathy but to re-assure you that you are NOT alone. All of us at our age in our life go through this journey of uncertainty, and some of us are just better at coping with it than others. But listen to me, I know its weird getting this from me (mainly cause you don't know who "me" is..) but I PROMISE you Carly...you are not alone.
And I also want to tell you something...you don't have to be scared. I know this. I mean, I still get scared, but I know I don't have to be. Fear is nothing but a warning mechanism and it should NEVER control you. That guy you list in your blog description as your BFF? He's bigger than fear. He's bigger than anxiety. And he's got great stuff in store for you, I know that for a fact.
Not to say its gonna be easy, or that being BFFs with Jesus solves everything, it doesn't. Not even close. But things happen in weird ways. For example, I just happened to sit down at my computer before heading to work, and on a whim, clicked your blog from my Facebook news feed. And the second I finished your latest post, I knew I had to say something. Even if it was weird. Even if its random. Even if you deleted this and thought I was a creeper. Even if those goes to your spam folder and you never see it. I just had to say something...had to tell you that I get it. You are not alone. You are not the only one who's scared.
And you WILL beat this. I don't know how, or when, or what it will take, but this fear will not win. And again, even though I say this as an anonymous stranger I still have to say it: You don't need to be afraid of me. I'm the kind of person who attempts to love people the way your bff says to; unconditionally. And there are plenty out there like me, people who will not judge you.
Anyways, I apologize for the umpteenth time if this is really weird...you don't have to reply or anything. I do find it likely that this will hit your spam folder anyways. I just felt compelled to write for the first time in a while...so I did.
And please, keep writing. You've got a good thing going with this blog, keep it up
with the utmost sincerity,
Me.
I'm sure receiving this will be as strange for you as it is for me to write it. I've blogged occasionally and it always strikes me as strange when a stranger responds to something I've written out of the blue, and I suddenly realize yes, what I wrote is open to the entire internet. So on that note, let me just say: Im not a stalker, or even a stranger technically. Yes I'm using a fake name and email address, but i think what i have to say is more important than who is saying it. I do this sometimes, I see someone who I want to talk to but whether its my natural shyness, my worry about how they will perceive my words due to who I am, or just my love of mystery and pretending to be mysterious, I choose to respond anonymously. The anonymity of the internet can be dangerous and misused sometimes...but I'd like to believe that when something important needs to be said, sometimes an anonymous author can say it better than anyone. And honestly, the main reason I'm writing right now is to say thank you.
The internet can promote a false sense of intimacy. You can hide behind photoshopped photos or a clever screen name. You can tweak little bits about yourself without anyone ever knowing. You can pick and choose your words carefully, delete something you didn't want to say, and use google to expand your word pallet. The point I think I'm getting is sometimes its just a little to easy to lie to the world wide web. So I'd like to thank you for your honesty in your last post. Its hard to open up in person, harder to put yourself out there for EVERYONE. And I'm sure your Facebook and phone will be blowing up with encouragement from those who love and care about you once people see what you have written. And you should listen to that love and encouragement, because I find many of us take it for granted.
However, I know that sometimes thats not enough. I want to answer one of your questions-no. You are not the only one that feels the way you do. I think everyone does as you do, puts on a mask, hides the truth, puts on a show. Heck, if you asked any of my friends, they would describe me as a person with the utmost confidence, yet here I am, hiding behind a false name.
And I don't know why that is, why I'm more comfortable attempting to encourage people as Timothy Kreider than I would be as me. Its stupid. Its illogical. And as someone who holds logic in the highest of regards when it comes to decision making, it doesn't fit into my personality.
I apologize for my rambling. I started this email with the intention of sharing a little and giving my best attempt at anonymous encouragement. But I find when I'm not pretending to be me, its easier to be myself. And the real me, the myself me, is scared too. I'm scared of me. I'm scared to sit still and think for too long because I'm afraid I'll get apathetic. I keep myself unhealthily busy because I'd rather be stressed then have five minutes alone with myself. And I tell you this not to invoke your sympathy but to re-assure you that you are NOT alone. All of us at our age in our life go through this journey of uncertainty, and some of us are just better at coping with it than others. But listen to me, I know its weird getting this from me (mainly cause you don't know who "me" is..) but I PROMISE you Carly...you are not alone.
And I also want to tell you something...you don't have to be scared. I know this. I mean, I still get scared, but I know I don't have to be. Fear is nothing but a warning mechanism and it should NEVER control you. That guy you list in your blog description as your BFF? He's bigger than fear. He's bigger than anxiety. And he's got great stuff in store for you, I know that for a fact.
Not to say its gonna be easy, or that being BFFs with Jesus solves everything, it doesn't. Not even close. But things happen in weird ways. For example, I just happened to sit down at my computer before heading to work, and on a whim, clicked your blog from my Facebook news feed. And the second I finished your latest post, I knew I had to say something. Even if it was weird. Even if its random. Even if you deleted this and thought I was a creeper. Even if those goes to your spam folder and you never see it. I just had to say something...had to tell you that I get it. You are not alone. You are not the only one who's scared.
And you WILL beat this. I don't know how, or when, or what it will take, but this fear will not win. And again, even though I say this as an anonymous stranger I still have to say it: You don't need to be afraid of me. I'm the kind of person who attempts to love people the way your bff says to; unconditionally. And there are plenty out there like me, people who will not judge you.
Anyways, I apologize for the umpteenth time if this is really weird...you don't have to reply or anything. I do find it likely that this will hit your spam folder anyways. I just felt compelled to write for the first time in a while...so I did.
And please, keep writing. You've got a good thing going with this blog, keep it up
with the utmost sincerity,
Me.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
When Life Throws a Curveball,
"I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down."
Earlier today, one of my Facebook friends posted this particular Vine and captioned it 'my life'. If you don't want to click the link and waste six seconds of your life, I'll just tell you this way: a little girl falls off a swing. As she's getting up, the swing comes back and hits her right in the face.
I won't say that that's how my life has been, but I will say that I believe that that's how a curveball feels.
Warning: I'm gonna be pretty transparent today, so if that's not your style, I'd advise you to just click away and go on with your life. I promise I won't be offended.
Don't get me wrong, 2015 has been an amazing year. I've actually had one of the best years of my entire life, and that's something I haven't been able to say for a while. But having an amazing year doesn't mask the difficult few months I've experienced. Friends I've had for years have picked up and moved away, I'm having some medical hurdles that I'm still dealing with today, recurring anxiety at an all time high... it really hasn't been a period I'd put in the history books. But this has been my curveball: my unexpected, surprising, and disruptive chain of events that makes it seems like I'm stopped in my tracks and chained to concrete.
For all the good and beautiful things I have in my life, there's also so much sadness. I've been rejected, told 'no', and received not-so-stellar news so many times this year that it's started to feed the self-doubt and anxiety in the innermost parts of my being that I thought were gone and locked away. It's made me think... are my friends truly my friends? Do I know who I am? Am I doing the right thing?
And so, not purposely, I feel myself fading into the walls; my volume has been muted and my presence has become blended into the world. That's not how I should be. If I could compare my personality to anything, it'd be that amazing 64 pack of crayons everyone in your elementary classes were jealous of. Recently, though, I'm just the gray one. Maybe the blue ones, but mostly the gray one. I'm ready to be more than gray, though. I'm slowly painting myself a different array of colors. I prefer that life, anyways.
Sometimes, when we hear things we really don't want to hear, it's not the worst thing in the entire world. Sure, on top of the other medical conundrums I have to deal with on a daily basis, having a little bit of a memory problem is real scary at 22, but I'm working harder and harder each day to learn why this is happening to me; once I find out, I'm gonna tackle this like I do every problem: prayer, community, and a can of whoopin's. But first, I can't let all these things consume my entire being.
And about those darn "no's" we hate to hear: a part of me really likes them. I definitely get discouraged hearing them, but it helps me strive to get closer to the end goal: one yes. Pouring your whole heart into something to finally get that yes is the greatest feeling. All those "no's" won't know what they're missing out on.
There was this quote I saw once about curveballs that went like this: "When life throws a curveball at you, they're not meant to be dodged. They are meant to hit you, to mold and shape you to become the person you are meant to be. Enjoy the impact, smile, and move on" I, personally, don't want balls hitting me and beating me down... that'd just be degrading to myself. So I'll leave you with this:
When life throws a curveball, swing. Swing that sucker out of the park. Show it who's boss and who's got your back. At the end of the day, a curveball is just a curveball. There's nothing to be scared of. Have faith and swing.
Monday, August 31, 2015
This is a Blog About Laser Cats,
Among other things, as well. But mostly laser cats.
For as long as I've been alive, I've been fearful. Fearful of rejection, failure, those comments behind my back when people ask each other "who does this girl think she is" or "why is she the way she is". But about a year ago, I decided to turn my life upside down: change jobs, live on my own, make new friends, and pick up some new hobbies along the way. Because of all of this, I thought I was going to wake up one morning and all of a sudden be the coolest person on the planet with style even fashion bloggers would envy and all these amazing talents that I may have been able to make money off of. I realized soon after that life isn't that easy.
I realized that the things I appreciate and the people I love aren't your average people on the street. You could take away all their money, things, and luxuries in life and they'd still be happy with person-to-person quality time and a garbage bag. They'd still be doing those things they were passionate about and, to be frank, wouldn't give a crap what anyone thought.
Life is risk.
Upon realizing this, it's been an interesting journey. I'm striving to be on a path to be a person I'm terrified by and equally obsessed with. I realized that if I wanted to do cool stuff, I should do cool stuff. If cool stuff is going to work and learning every intricate detail of each coffee I sell on a daily basis, I'm going to do it. But this doesn't just apply to me. If you think cool stuff is pulling out your guitar and singing songs that you don't know the chords or words to, do it. If cool stuff is finding the latest clothing trends and seeing how you can do them yourself, do it.
And if cool stuff is going on Tumblr and finding dozens of pictures of cats in space with lasers coming out of their eyes... well, you get it by now.
Whatever 'it' is, I urge you to do it. Don't let people scare you into being someone else because they were too scared to be who they wanted to. Let your mind wander and let yourself be the person you've always wanted to be.
Besides, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.
For as long as I've been alive, I've been fearful. Fearful of rejection, failure, those comments behind my back when people ask each other "who does this girl think she is" or "why is she the way she is". But about a year ago, I decided to turn my life upside down: change jobs, live on my own, make new friends, and pick up some new hobbies along the way. Because of all of this, I thought I was going to wake up one morning and all of a sudden be the coolest person on the planet with style even fashion bloggers would envy and all these amazing talents that I may have been able to make money off of. I realized soon after that life isn't that easy.
I realized that the things I appreciate and the people I love aren't your average people on the street. You could take away all their money, things, and luxuries in life and they'd still be happy with person-to-person quality time and a garbage bag. They'd still be doing those things they were passionate about and, to be frank, wouldn't give a crap what anyone thought.
Life is risk.
Upon realizing this, it's been an interesting journey. I'm striving to be on a path to be a person I'm terrified by and equally obsessed with. I realized that if I wanted to do cool stuff, I should do cool stuff. If cool stuff is going to work and learning every intricate detail of each coffee I sell on a daily basis, I'm going to do it. But this doesn't just apply to me. If you think cool stuff is pulling out your guitar and singing songs that you don't know the chords or words to, do it. If cool stuff is finding the latest clothing trends and seeing how you can do them yourself, do it.
And if cool stuff is going on Tumblr and finding dozens of pictures of cats in space with lasers coming out of their eyes... well, you get it by now.
Whatever 'it' is, I urge you to do it. Don't let people scare you into being someone else because they were too scared to be who they wanted to. Let your mind wander and let yourself be the person you've always wanted to be.
Besides, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
The Enemy in the First,
Tonight, I want to be vulnerable with whomever decides to read this. To whoever thinks reading my blog for a few minutes is worth even a small bit of their time, I just want to be open, honest, and up front. As typing this will help me bring this issue to light and possibly be the start of overcoming this, I hope those of you dealing with this particular struggle will join me in battling this together.
I am insecure.
When people see this sentence, many immediately think of someone with a terrible self esteem. Someone who does not see the beauty and amazing things bestowed upon them. If you're an avid reader of my blog, you would know that I'd usually make a contradicting sentence to go with this. But this time, I can't. This is the type of person I am, and hope to not be in the near future.
If I wear too tight of a shirt, I'm afraid people will judge my stomach.
If I laugh too loud, I'm afraid I'll only be loved for my laugh.
If I get too energetic around people, I'm afraid people will find me too overbearing.
If I sing too loud in worship, I'm afraid people will find me insane and turning into a showoff.
If I do this, then people will think this.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not thin enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not _________ enough. And I never will be.
You know what sucks about insecurity? This. When you have thought after thought come in your head saying you can't do something... but you can't fight it. You feel that what is being said in your head is you. That you are the one telling yourself that you are the failure. That you are the screw up. That YOU are the one.
On Friday, a group of young adults and I went down to Ashtabula, Ohio, for a worship service. And every time I go, it's always a different experience. Whether it be getting prophetic word from a person, feeling the overflow of the Spirit in me, or just leaving liberated... something happens. It's really a freeing experience, and I'm definitely the one of many that push my peers to go. One thing that gets to me though? My worship. I'm loud. I'm shameless. I'm the one screaming my praise so boldly sometimes that I'm hoping the enemy craps his pants at the shrill sound of my screams. The one thing I fight while I worship though (every single time) is the fact that I don't want people to judge me. I shouldn't be doing this. God's not even going to hear you, anyways.
Through persistent prayer that night, God revealed this to me: He is going to speak directly to me. Sort of like in the second person. When God speaks to me, He is going to tell me all the things He, personally, thinks about me. He's gonna say things like...
You are beautiful.
You have all My love.
You are strong in Me.
You are loved.
You are okay.
God is going to speak life into you. To say the cliche answer, if it's good, it's from God. He is never going to put you down, tell you you're not good enough, or make you think you will never amount to anything. God is honest; He is going to speak directly to you. How cool is that?!
Now, the enemy... that pesky little Devil. He's a trickster. Even in scripture, it says that Satan is the Father of Lies. If that doesn't give you an indicator as to where this is going and you haven't gotten it from the title of this post yet, I'll give it to you straight. The enemy gets in your head by speaking in the first person. Those thoughts of I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, and God doesn't love me... among others? Totally the pit of hell, my friends.
Think about it, though... when you are thinking that you're the one saying these terrible things about yourself, how can you fight back with your own brain? How can you fight back thoughts that you think are coming from your own mind... the mind God has created? And if God created your mind and your mind is speaking death and degrading comments into your mind, does God think that way about you?
First off, know that that is not God. As much as we may think it is, those thoughts are not God and never will be. I could go on forever on how God thinks of you and how awesome you are, but that would be enough for another blog post, so I'm going to send you to this short study instead. They're a lot more knowledgeable in that department, anyways.
Okay, back on track. So, they're not of God. And second... Satan is going to use his best weapon to tear you down. That weapon, if you haven't guessed yet, is yourself. Your thoughts, your actions, your innermost secrets and struggles and past stuff buried deep. He's gonna unearth that like a ruthless pirate and destroy everything in his path. But the most amazing thing about having God on our side is the fact that we have the power to tell the enemy one, simple word: no.
We have the power and authority to tell all from the pit of Hell that whatever negative lives inside us, big or small, doesn't belong anywhere near us. We are children of God. We are precious, bought at a high price... so high that no amount of money on this Earth can match or exceed it. We are protected by the blood of Christ. And (coolest thing ever) we have been saved by the Son, who has already fought the battles and won the war on our behalf.
God is bigger than me, who is bigger than my insecurities, my circumstances, my struggles, my health, my job situation, my demons... fill in the blank. This week, I encourage you to join me. When Hell decides to tug your strings and try to play you like a marionette, dragging you along to the beat of all that is evil... all you have to do is stand tall, stand confident in the Lord, and show him where he belongs.
Show the Devil he's wrong. He's always been wrong. And he always will be.
I am insecure.
When people see this sentence, many immediately think of someone with a terrible self esteem. Someone who does not see the beauty and amazing things bestowed upon them. If you're an avid reader of my blog, you would know that I'd usually make a contradicting sentence to go with this. But this time, I can't. This is the type of person I am, and hope to not be in the near future.
If I wear too tight of a shirt, I'm afraid people will judge my stomach.
If I laugh too loud, I'm afraid I'll only be loved for my laugh.
If I get too energetic around people, I'm afraid people will find me too overbearing.
If I sing too loud in worship, I'm afraid people will find me insane and turning into a showoff.
If I do this, then people will think this.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not thin enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not _________ enough. And I never will be.
You know what sucks about insecurity? This. When you have thought after thought come in your head saying you can't do something... but you can't fight it. You feel that what is being said in your head is you. That you are the one telling yourself that you are the failure. That you are the screw up. That YOU are the one.
On Friday, a group of young adults and I went down to Ashtabula, Ohio, for a worship service. And every time I go, it's always a different experience. Whether it be getting prophetic word from a person, feeling the overflow of the Spirit in me, or just leaving liberated... something happens. It's really a freeing experience, and I'm definitely the one of many that push my peers to go. One thing that gets to me though? My worship. I'm loud. I'm shameless. I'm the one screaming my praise so boldly sometimes that I'm hoping the enemy craps his pants at the shrill sound of my screams. The one thing I fight while I worship though (every single time) is the fact that I don't want people to judge me. I shouldn't be doing this. God's not even going to hear you, anyways.
Through persistent prayer that night, God revealed this to me: He is going to speak directly to me. Sort of like in the second person. When God speaks to me, He is going to tell me all the things He, personally, thinks about me. He's gonna say things like...
You are beautiful.
You have all My love.
You are strong in Me.
You are loved.
You are okay.
God is going to speak life into you. To say the cliche answer, if it's good, it's from God. He is never going to put you down, tell you you're not good enough, or make you think you will never amount to anything. God is honest; He is going to speak directly to you. How cool is that?!
Now, the enemy... that pesky little Devil. He's a trickster. Even in scripture, it says that Satan is the Father of Lies. If that doesn't give you an indicator as to where this is going and you haven't gotten it from the title of this post yet, I'll give it to you straight. The enemy gets in your head by speaking in the first person. Those thoughts of I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, and God doesn't love me... among others? Totally the pit of hell, my friends.
Think about it, though... when you are thinking that you're the one saying these terrible things about yourself, how can you fight back with your own brain? How can you fight back thoughts that you think are coming from your own mind... the mind God has created? And if God created your mind and your mind is speaking death and degrading comments into your mind, does God think that way about you?
First off, know that that is not God. As much as we may think it is, those thoughts are not God and never will be. I could go on forever on how God thinks of you and how awesome you are, but that would be enough for another blog post, so I'm going to send you to this short study instead. They're a lot more knowledgeable in that department, anyways.
Okay, back on track. So, they're not of God. And second... Satan is going to use his best weapon to tear you down. That weapon, if you haven't guessed yet, is yourself. Your thoughts, your actions, your innermost secrets and struggles and past stuff buried deep. He's gonna unearth that like a ruthless pirate and destroy everything in his path. But the most amazing thing about having God on our side is the fact that we have the power to tell the enemy one, simple word: no.
We have the power and authority to tell all from the pit of Hell that whatever negative lives inside us, big or small, doesn't belong anywhere near us. We are children of God. We are precious, bought at a high price... so high that no amount of money on this Earth can match or exceed it. We are protected by the blood of Christ. And (coolest thing ever) we have been saved by the Son, who has already fought the battles and won the war on our behalf.
God is bigger than me, who is bigger than my insecurities, my circumstances, my struggles, my health, my job situation, my demons... fill in the blank. This week, I encourage you to join me. When Hell decides to tug your strings and try to play you like a marionette, dragging you along to the beat of all that is evil... all you have to do is stand tall, stand confident in the Lord, and show him where he belongs.
Show the Devil he's wrong. He's always been wrong. And he always will be.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
A Promise to my Future Husband,
So... remember my last blog post that said I wouldn't take two or three months to write again? Well, it's been six months. A lot has happened in that period, but we'll save that for another time. It's definitely a wild ride!
The Lord has really been convicting me of this form of media, and after a few conversations sparked it last night, I thought I'd write all about it.
Ladies, I bet you've had some of these thoughts: I wish I had a man that could kiss me the way Noah Calhoun does with Allie Hamilton. I would love to have a man as charismatic and protective as Augustus Waters. Can I be blessed with someone who can dance like Johnny Castle?
I'm sure the questions are brewing and those gears in your heads, ladies and gents both, are starting to turn. The romance genre? All girls like romance! It's all we talk about!
For some women, that's very true. I love myself a feel-good book that gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I read it (I'll read The Fault in our Stars ten times over any day and shamelessly cried while watching the movie alone as my roommates were having dates with their boyfriends), or a movie that will give me the same feeling of euphoria and giddiness each time I watch a kiss in the rain or a sensual ballroom dance. But it's time to be honest: each time I watch a movie or read a book with these certain things, I feel that I start building expectations on men, especially those I find interest in. As silly as it sounds, I have started calling these outlets of media "emotional porn". Let me explain.
In personal experience, when I have one of those weeks where all I want is a companion in my life and spiral in this never-ending hole of romance films, there starts to form this foundation of expectation with every little detail of men that I meet. And since these men in these outlets are fictional, it puts an unachievable expectation on any man I come in contact with. And for guys that are dragged into their theaters and living rooms to watch these movies with their significant others, it puts an expectation on them. Questions of doubt start to form: Am I doing all I can to satisfy her? Will she love me if I do _____? What will happen if I don't?
Sorry, ladies: your future husband probably isn't going to have chiseled abs that can destroy boulders or a smile that'll cure world hunger. He's going to be an average man. He's going to make mistakes. He might not know what to do when you're on your period or know exactly what to do every time you have a bad day. He's going to probably have a mole on his butt and burn some bacon in your time together. But the coolest thing about relationships is the fact that the two of you will experience life together... the ups and downs, the growth, the plateaus, when times seem tough and when times are fantastic. As a couple, you stand strong and unified. And that's nothing they can depict in a two-hour film or 200 pages in a book.
And gentlemen, here's something from lady to dude: I get it. Everyone talks about how women feel like they have a standard to meet and they don't feel beautiful or needed until a man comes in their lives and says it themselves. But I get it. You have an unmeetable standard, as well. You have to be the breadwinner. Know about cars and hunt and cook on grills. Shoot guns. Manly things. Have that chiseled body, straight teeth, muscles on top of muscles. Have a tough exterior but a soft inside... like a Milky Way candy bar. I get it. I finally get it. There is an insane standard placed on you, as well. And for both sides of the spectrum, it's unfair for the both of us.
Like Jesus makes a covenant with us, marriage is just that: a covenant. A promise. A binding commitment. And though it may be a while before I find that "one", I want to be able to write him a solid, God-based promise. So...
Hello, future husband.
I don't know you, and you surely don't know me. Maybe we talk daily, I make your coffee at Starbucks sometimes, we're passing strangers in this huge city, or you're on the other side of the country and I've never seen your face. I don't know. God works in mysterious ways, so you could be anywhere at this very moment. And that's so cool for me to think about. Us finding each other is already an adventure!
I don't seek for you to meet nit-picky standards. I don't seek for you to be of visual or mental competence. I seek for you to be the one the Lord has made for me. Like two puzzle pieces perfectly fitting together. But I do hope you are strong in your faith. That each step you take and every word you speak is of the Lord. When you wake up in the morning and when you hit your bed to sleep for the night, I hope you worship Him for all the amazing things He's already done in your life and for the things He will do in and through you. You are God's prized creation, and I hope to know you someday so I can see the amazing transformation He has made in you.
I know we are not going to be perfect. We are going to have our struggles. I'm going to have habits that you don't like; you're going to have habits that I'm not going to like. We're going to go through dark times and will have times where we'll want to take a break from it all. But I know that, with the Lord at the center of our relationship, we will conquer anything the enemy throws at us.
Please know that I pray for you. Every single day, I pray for you. I praise your successes and, from a distance, ask for comfort and support in your struggles. I pray that God brings us together in His timing and that nothing is rushed. Every detail in our relationship is mapped out, and I am committed to following that path to the last step.
I promise to not put an unachievable expectation on you. You're probably not going to be able to dance like Johnny Castle. Or leave presents on my doorstep every morning. You probably won't have a cliche million dollar smile. There are things about you will gross me out. Maybe you'll have uncontrollable gas, I don't know. But I promise to never compare you to fiction. I will never tell you that what you're doing is sub par and what someone on the other side of a television screen is doing is more worthy of my time and energy. You're not a fantasy, you will be my reality. What you're doing is enough. What you're already doing is enough. You will find ways to show your love to me, and I will find ways to show love to you. That will speak more volumes that taking me outside every time it rains and seeing what happens.
I promise to be someone you can laugh with. When goodness comes in our midst, when celebration is at hand, I promise to laugh with you. And when things aren't going too hot, I hope we will find things to laugh about. If anything, we can find a weird video on the Internet and we can laugh at how weird my cackles are. I've been told it's pretty funny.
I promise to be someone you can lean on. When you're feeling like the world is crumbling all around you, I hope the Lord can use me to show you that there's still hope. Look up Joshua 1:9... that scripture is for those times when we feel overwhelmed or out of control. God's got you in His hand... you're covered! You can do this! And if you're going through something now, you've got this! I believe in you.
I promise to be there when your past comes to haunt you. In John 10, Jesus talks about how the enemy comes to seek and destroy all that is good in our lives, and all those demons are real good at using our pasts to make us stumble. I hope to be able to encourage you and pray with you through that time. You are a conquerer! As a result, Romans 8:18 says this: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Hold fast, the glory is coming!
I promise to shut up sometimes. Even if you need to force me to. God is showing me that I talk way too much sometimes, and I'm learning that the best conversations happen when I'm quiet and just listen. That's when He can work through me! Through my silence, I hope the Holy Spirit can invade my thoughts and let me speak what you need to hear, in good times and bad.
I promise to be someone you learn from and with. When we meet, you and I are going to have such little knowledge of God and all He has done and will do with our lives. My hope is that we can do things together, and not just the fun and exciting things. I'm hoping we can pray about anything together, study, talk, and be open about our questions. Life is just a never-ending classroom, and I hope that, at the end of our lives, we can both come out as valedictorian.
And lastly, I promise to make you second place. That's right. You will not be first place. And I hope I'm not your first place. I hope you love God so much that He has overtaken this huge mass in your heart, that He has manifested himself into every fiber of your being. So much so, that it would be forever impossible for me to one-up Him. I hope you understand and can follow suit.
I hope to be able to meet you soon. For awesome conversation and fun hangouts. For hugs and dancing. For tears and sorrow. I can't wait to experience life and all of God's glory with you.
The Lord has really been convicting me of this form of media, and after a few conversations sparked it last night, I thought I'd write all about it.
Ladies, I bet you've had some of these thoughts: I wish I had a man that could kiss me the way Noah Calhoun does with Allie Hamilton. I would love to have a man as charismatic and protective as Augustus Waters. Can I be blessed with someone who can dance like Johnny Castle?
I'm sure the questions are brewing and those gears in your heads, ladies and gents both, are starting to turn. The romance genre? All girls like romance! It's all we talk about!
For some women, that's very true. I love myself a feel-good book that gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I read it (I'll read The Fault in our Stars ten times over any day and shamelessly cried while watching the movie alone as my roommates were having dates with their boyfriends), or a movie that will give me the same feeling of euphoria and giddiness each time I watch a kiss in the rain or a sensual ballroom dance. But it's time to be honest: each time I watch a movie or read a book with these certain things, I feel that I start building expectations on men, especially those I find interest in. As silly as it sounds, I have started calling these outlets of media "emotional porn". Let me explain.
In personal experience, when I have one of those weeks where all I want is a companion in my life and spiral in this never-ending hole of romance films, there starts to form this foundation of expectation with every little detail of men that I meet. And since these men in these outlets are fictional, it puts an unachievable expectation on any man I come in contact with. And for guys that are dragged into their theaters and living rooms to watch these movies with their significant others, it puts an expectation on them. Questions of doubt start to form: Am I doing all I can to satisfy her? Will she love me if I do _____? What will happen if I don't?
Sorry, ladies: your future husband probably isn't going to have chiseled abs that can destroy boulders or a smile that'll cure world hunger. He's going to be an average man. He's going to make mistakes. He might not know what to do when you're on your period or know exactly what to do every time you have a bad day. He's going to probably have a mole on his butt and burn some bacon in your time together. But the coolest thing about relationships is the fact that the two of you will experience life together... the ups and downs, the growth, the plateaus, when times seem tough and when times are fantastic. As a couple, you stand strong and unified. And that's nothing they can depict in a two-hour film or 200 pages in a book.
And gentlemen, here's something from lady to dude: I get it. Everyone talks about how women feel like they have a standard to meet and they don't feel beautiful or needed until a man comes in their lives and says it themselves. But I get it. You have an unmeetable standard, as well. You have to be the breadwinner. Know about cars and hunt and cook on grills. Shoot guns. Manly things. Have that chiseled body, straight teeth, muscles on top of muscles. Have a tough exterior but a soft inside... like a Milky Way candy bar. I get it. I finally get it. There is an insane standard placed on you, as well. And for both sides of the spectrum, it's unfair for the both of us.
Like Jesus makes a covenant with us, marriage is just that: a covenant. A promise. A binding commitment. And though it may be a while before I find that "one", I want to be able to write him a solid, God-based promise. So...
Hello, future husband.
I don't know you, and you surely don't know me. Maybe we talk daily, I make your coffee at Starbucks sometimes, we're passing strangers in this huge city, or you're on the other side of the country and I've never seen your face. I don't know. God works in mysterious ways, so you could be anywhere at this very moment. And that's so cool for me to think about. Us finding each other is already an adventure!
I don't seek for you to meet nit-picky standards. I don't seek for you to be of visual or mental competence. I seek for you to be the one the Lord has made for me. Like two puzzle pieces perfectly fitting together. But I do hope you are strong in your faith. That each step you take and every word you speak is of the Lord. When you wake up in the morning and when you hit your bed to sleep for the night, I hope you worship Him for all the amazing things He's already done in your life and for the things He will do in and through you. You are God's prized creation, and I hope to know you someday so I can see the amazing transformation He has made in you.
I know we are not going to be perfect. We are going to have our struggles. I'm going to have habits that you don't like; you're going to have habits that I'm not going to like. We're going to go through dark times and will have times where we'll want to take a break from it all. But I know that, with the Lord at the center of our relationship, we will conquer anything the enemy throws at us.
Please know that I pray for you. Every single day, I pray for you. I praise your successes and, from a distance, ask for comfort and support in your struggles. I pray that God brings us together in His timing and that nothing is rushed. Every detail in our relationship is mapped out, and I am committed to following that path to the last step.
I promise to not put an unachievable expectation on you. You're probably not going to be able to dance like Johnny Castle. Or leave presents on my doorstep every morning. You probably won't have a cliche million dollar smile. There are things about you will gross me out. Maybe you'll have uncontrollable gas, I don't know. But I promise to never compare you to fiction. I will never tell you that what you're doing is sub par and what someone on the other side of a television screen is doing is more worthy of my time and energy. You're not a fantasy, you will be my reality. What you're doing is enough. What you're already doing is enough. You will find ways to show your love to me, and I will find ways to show love to you. That will speak more volumes that taking me outside every time it rains and seeing what happens.
I promise to be someone you can laugh with. When goodness comes in our midst, when celebration is at hand, I promise to laugh with you. And when things aren't going too hot, I hope we will find things to laugh about. If anything, we can find a weird video on the Internet and we can laugh at how weird my cackles are. I've been told it's pretty funny.
I promise to be someone you can lean on. When you're feeling like the world is crumbling all around you, I hope the Lord can use me to show you that there's still hope. Look up Joshua 1:9... that scripture is for those times when we feel overwhelmed or out of control. God's got you in His hand... you're covered! You can do this! And if you're going through something now, you've got this! I believe in you.
I promise to be there when your past comes to haunt you. In John 10, Jesus talks about how the enemy comes to seek and destroy all that is good in our lives, and all those demons are real good at using our pasts to make us stumble. I hope to be able to encourage you and pray with you through that time. You are a conquerer! As a result, Romans 8:18 says this: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Hold fast, the glory is coming!
I promise to shut up sometimes. Even if you need to force me to. God is showing me that I talk way too much sometimes, and I'm learning that the best conversations happen when I'm quiet and just listen. That's when He can work through me! Through my silence, I hope the Holy Spirit can invade my thoughts and let me speak what you need to hear, in good times and bad.
I promise to be someone you learn from and with. When we meet, you and I are going to have such little knowledge of God and all He has done and will do with our lives. My hope is that we can do things together, and not just the fun and exciting things. I'm hoping we can pray about anything together, study, talk, and be open about our questions. Life is just a never-ending classroom, and I hope that, at the end of our lives, we can both come out as valedictorian.
And lastly, I promise to make you second place. That's right. You will not be first place. And I hope I'm not your first place. I hope you love God so much that He has overtaken this huge mass in your heart, that He has manifested himself into every fiber of your being. So much so, that it would be forever impossible for me to one-up Him. I hope you understand and can follow suit.
I hope to be able to meet you soon. For awesome conversation and fun hangouts. For hugs and dancing. For tears and sorrow. I can't wait to experience life and all of God's glory with you.
♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)