Five Promises for 2014,

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I sit here and type my last post for 2013, I sit and reflect.  This year hasn't been the greatest for me.  I've become lazy, unmotivated, and my demons are coming back.  I had an amazing internship possibly slip out of my fingers, my grandmother passed away before Christmas, and I've been given a death sentence.  But you know, at the same time, I've achieved so much.  A promotion.  A raise.  Getting over my anxiety (for the most part), and you know, that's something to be happy for.

I don't do "new year's resolutions" because, like most people, I commit for a week and go back to what I was doing before.  But this year, I am trying my best to fulfill these promises I'm making to myself.  Maybe you can join me.

1. Become more optimistic - I may seem like a positive person, but in reality, I sit in my room and beat myself up over every little thing I've never done or am not motivated enough to do.  Instead of beating myself up over things, I want to become that person that sees a little bit of light in bad times, even the ones I'm dealing with right now.
2. Get healthy - I know this is one that is the most broken resolution, but I'm setting the bar lower than I ever have before.  Instead of saying I need to go to the gym five days a week and eat nothing but fruit and air, I want to start at least once a week.  One day of the week eating yummy, healthy food and exercising.  Then two.  Then three.  I've noticed that when I'm thrown into a brand new routine, I tend to break it almost immediately, whether it's good for me or not.  But each person is different.  If you can work out five days a week and juice everything for a week, you go for it!  I'm just someone that needs to be introduced to something gradually, and that's okay!
3. Call family more - When my grandma passed away, I would call her every other month to see how she was doing.  No one else.  No uncles, aunts, brothers.  I didn't call her before she passed away on the 23rd, and there's a part of me that still feels guilty, though I've been told a million times that I shouldn't.  I want to be able to get to know more of my family this year, even if it means just leaving a message and letting them know I was thinking of them.  I know that phone calls mean a lot to me; maybe calling them more than once every other month will mean something to them.
4. Be the boss of your time - I'm a fan of the show Doctor Who, and my favorite Doctor, Matt Smith, has said a few quotes in his tenure as the raggedy man that I thought I would share with you:

"I am and always will be the optimist.  The hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.  You see, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.  The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.  No matter what, make today extraordinary."

I don't want to settle for the mundane life I have let myself live in 2013.  I want to travel, see the world.  Touch the clouds and the bottom of the oceans.  Go to concerts and climb mountains and take jobs I never thought I could.  Take time for myself and for my friends.  I want to run towards things, not away, before the fade away forever.  I'm a sick 20-year-old who's hardly lived because of fear and anxiety.  My life is very finite at this point.  I want to experience it before I can't anymore. 

     5.  Tell people I love them more - No explanation.  It's as simple as that.

Starting the first, I'll accomplish something I've been dreading for months:  taking my progesterone.  And for those of you who know what progesterone does, this could mean an easy 2014 or a year from hell.  So here's to 2014.  Whether you suck donkey teeth or are the best year of my life, I'm ready to experience you.  Tomorrow is page one of a brand new 365-page saga.  Time to write something good, huh?

Seeing Jesus at Target,

I work in retail, and for those of you who work in places that have to do with last-minute Christmas shoppers, you know how most people are at this time:  frantic, angry, depressed.  I've had people scream and curse at me over toys from as expensive as a Zoomer dog to as cheap as a common game of Candyland.  I've had people say their Christmas was ruined because their coffee was too hot or had too much hazelnut syrup in it. I've had people call me rude names because the wait time at the registers is way too long.  People have been very angry and mean this year over simple things, and it really has put a damper on my "Christmas spirit".

But when I thought my Christmas spirit was actually put to bed, kindness came out of the woodwork.  Compassion.  Love.

I watched small children put away their Pokemon cards and dig through their tiny pockets for all their birthday money to help a single mother buy the rest of her groceries.  I watched a woman leave $20 for a young couple so they didn't have to worry about buying their coffee and lunch for the day.  I heard stories of a kind man buying a $30 gift card so a grandmother could finish buying all the toys she needed for her grandchildren.  A gentleman even helped me carry a heavy box to a woman, then took it out to her car, all because "this is what the spirit of Christmas is all about".

And I believe this is what the spirit of Christmas is all about.  Not presents.  Not who got the better game console or who got the bigger TV.  Christmas is all about loving others.  Helping each other when we struggle and being a light to those who can't seem to see it.

Be Jesus.  And if you don't believe in Jesus, that's fine.  Be a positive light this Christmas.

Music Monday,

Oops! Realized I haven't done one of these in a while, so I thought I'd update y'all on some of the music I've been listening to!

1.  Childish Gambino - 3005

If y'all don't know Childish Gambino, you'd better get acquainted.  A past writer for 30 Rock, a talented comedian, ex-quarterback Troy Barnes on "Community", and rapper with the moniker Childish Gambino, formed by using a Wu Tang Clan name generator.  This kid is talented... remember the name. He'll be big.

2.  Michaelf Buble's entire Christmas album

Have you heard this thing?  Like, Michael could sing the McDonald's menu and I'd be dead.

On Body Image and (Attempting) Positive Thinking,

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” ~Steve Mariboli

Out of everyone that has ever said a critical thing about my body, I can say that I am the most critical person in the world about it.  We are told to love the creation the Lord has made, but every day, I watch my body tear at the skin, falling apart and slowly be destroyed by the illnesses I am battling.

82 may be a number that doesn't mean anything to anyone, but 82 is the number that looms over my head every day. 82 is the number of stretch marks I can count on my body right now, as I sit here and type this out... and that number continues to grow.  82 stretch marks have formed on my body in the past four years, as my belly enlarges and my cheeks fill out.  82 stretch marks have grown as I stuffed my face with the comfort foods I thought would make me feel content with my diagnosis, but ended up destroying me more than I thought and forming another addiction.

I know this body isn't the most beautiful.  I look at it every day and cry as I wonder why I had to have the disease I have.  My legs are short and stubby, my thighs and calf muscles getting larger by the day.  My belly is protruding outward as I pollute it with the things I know aren't good for me, but I convince myself that just one more cookie will make me happy.  One more french fry will satisfy my sadness.  One more piece will be okay.  Just one more.  My face is filling in with the fat that won't fit on my body.  My hair is falling out.  My boobs are gross and discolored underneath by my Stein-Leventhal.  My butt is just this flabby thing and it's not even cute.  I just find my entire body to be this gross sack of disgusting that I happen to have to carry around for the rest of my life.

I feel like society has made me turn my body into this petri dish under a microscope, where I sit and examine every single crack and crevasse that seems abnormal to the 'average' person.  But is the average person really the thing we should be striving for?  We see the 'average woman' as something in a magazine:  tall, long, thick hair, thin, perfect curves, flawless skin, and not a blemish on her.  These were women I would cut out of various magazines and tape onto my mirror and bedroom walls in high school, striving to have my hair like them, my makeup like theirs, be thin and beautiful just like them.  I was already letting media corrupt my brain and make me think that these women were the body image I should be striving for:  something unhealthy and unreal.

It's one of the hardest things I do in my day, but I have to convince myself every day that I am a beautiful creation.  Whether I write it over and over again in a notebook until I go insane or I write something on the back of my hand so I always see it, I have to convince myself that I am truly beautiful.  Not because of a magazine, or a boy, or anything but because I want to.  I want to be able to look at myself and, even when I am unable to lose this weight or when I'm holding a pile of my hair in my hand, say that I am a beautiful person.   My discolored skin patches and scars and uncontrollable weight and stretch marks aren't going to change that.  What does change it is your state of mind.

When we immerse ourselves in positive thinking, we outwardly express positive words.  It's seriously the hardest thing to do, though, when we live in a society full of pessimism, anger, and sadness.  I have to wake up every morning, stare in the mirror for a few minutes, and find one thing about myself that I like.  And it always has to be different.  I can't say that I like my hair two days in a row; that'd be cheating.  Besides, if I only focus on one thing that I like, I'm going to miss tons of other things I could grow to love!  I sit and read the small pieces of paper I've taped onto my vanity over and over, like a first-grader trying to memorize simple vocabulary.

"You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you." ~Song of Solomon 4:7

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it too well." ~Psalms 139:14

"I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys." ~Song of Solomon 12:1

I'll write it on my hands and in notebooks when I'm feeling down at work or hanging out with friends, or when those feelings and life in general just catches up on me.  When I get that bad diagnosis and all I wanna do is build a blanket fort and eat a bag of chicken nuggets in it.  When I feel like I can't get out of bed or when big crowds just aren't my thing.  When I feel alone or when I feel worthless.  When I slip up and don't know how to explain.

I am courageous.  I am strong.  I am brave.  I am beautiful.  I am human.

And though it may look stupid, at the end of the day, when I'm all alone in my room, just me and my thoughts... what comes up sometimes are these verses and sayings I force myself to recite every day.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made... there is no flaw in me... I am courageous... I am a rose of Sharon... I am beautiful...

I've had to learn that we have to literally train our minds to think something different than what we've learned to think for so long.  Trust me, it's hard.  I have many days where I sit and think of how gross my belly is, or how no one will ever love me because of my size.  Thinking positively about yourself is one of the hardest battles you will involve yourself with in your entire lifetime on this Earth, but when you are able to speak life over yourself instead of death, I can tell you those days are worth it.

Thanksgiving,

“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” - Oprah Winfrey

Right now, it's 4pm.  I'm in my pajamas, my legs are sore from a football game from last night, my throat is scratchy, and Thanksgiving dinner is in about two hours.  Yes, it's late, but thanks to a guy who works second shift called "dad", we have to wait.

The past month, I've been seeing a ton of people writing statuses as to what they're thankful for.  A few people asked me to do it, but all I could think was, "Why are we spending a month thinking of one thing each day that we're thankful for... when we could do it every day of our lives?"  So I happily declined the offer and decided to make it one big blog post on Thanksgiving day.

I don't think I ever really sit down and think of what I am thankful for.  Because this is usually how I, and maybe a lot of others, see things:  I'm an average human being living an average life in the United States of America with an average job and an average family and an average personality. But today, I want to shift my mind off that "average" mindset.

Sure, I have an average life.  My mom and stepdad are alive and working. They have their share of health problems, like me, but they're still kicking and trying their best to give my brother and I the best life they can.  

I have an average brother, who likes to close himself in his room and play COD all day.  But when he comes out and isn't too grumpy, we'll have nice conversation and he may even offer me a Kit-Kat or two. That's pretty cool.  

I've got average aunts who help me get around to doctor's appointments and to-and-from work and teach me to drive and to parties and church.  

I have average friends who come from all kinds of different worlds and backgrounds, who love me and accept me for who I am, from my weird laugh to times when I struggle and I'm not myself.  They encourage me to do things I would never think I could and support me no matter what the situation.  That's pretty cool, too.

I have an average job where I also work with average people and deal with average things.  My job isn't the greatest thing in the world, but in the past few months, the people have been what make it worthwhile.

I wasn't blessed with the greatest health, but I have two eyes and a nose and ten fingers and ten toes. I have a heart that beats so loud and works so hard sometimes, that I can hear it and feel it in my ears. I can smell yummy foods and candles whenever I want.  I can touch things and listen to my favorite music and run outside and even just look outside and enjoy the view from my bedroom morning of the sun setting, like the sky has turned into this beautiful, harmless ball of fire.  And though my body may be failing and doing things I don't understand, that is pretty cool.

I have a not-so-average God who wakes me up every morning and grants me life and salvation from the moment I open my eyes to when I go to sleep and even while I dream of crazy things and the future, the life and salvation is still there.

In the end, when you take all these small things you realize you're thankful for, it turns into something extraordinary.  You can't build an entire building without having little things, like beams and screws, putting it together.  A train can't get to it's destination without all the tracks leading it there.  So my life and things I've been blessed with aren't that average, but rather, pretty remarkable.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. :)

A Short Blog Post about the Future,

It's kind of disheartening and at the same time encouraging that one year ago, Jonnie from The Buried Life saw my graphic design portfolio and ultimately offered me a year internship on the spot.  Sure, I don't have the internship at this moment, nor is my work anything spectacular or noteworthy, just average.  But it keeps me motivated to get better everyday and hopefully work for these guys.  If I had potential a year ago, with a portfolio of two weeks worth of work, imagine me going in with a portfolio with a year's work.  Though the future is scary, I'm real excited for it at the same time.

It's Time to Let Go,

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

I'm not one of those people who vents.  Usually, I'm the type that keeps everything to myself and, when completely boiled over, lets everything out in a smashing rage and leaves nothing but a valley in my path.  But this is something I never let out. Something I've come to realize is probably time to let go of, and I can't let go of it until I talk about it.  Yes, it's about a boy.  Yes, it's about a love I believe would happen, but have come to realize probably never will.  And yes, it's something that will take time and commitment to let go of.

So this is what this is for.  It's a letter I'm writing to this gentleman to say goodbye to my feelings towards him.  Because I have a strong feeling that they are not reciprocated or acknowledged, and because of the situation the both of us are in, it's really not the best decision for me to keep pursuing it.

I've known this particular guy for a few years, but those little butterfly-feelings started coming around about a few months ago. We'll call him Esteban, because I don't know any Esteban's, other than Esteban from "The Suite Life", but he doesn't count because I don't know him personally.  But anyways, back to the story.  Esteban and I are very similar in just about everything.  It's actually kind of scary, to be honest.  When my dad had a stroke a few months ago, he was the first person I consoled to, and that's really what started making our friendship stronger than ever.  He and I opened up about our pasts, telling each other who we were and the things we've done.  The adventures we've been on in life, the heartbreaks we've had, and the transformations we've experienced.  He's even told me I know more about him than most of his friends and potential love interests, and that's a huge honor to have with someone.  Eventually, I started over-thinking things and thought he actually liked me.

And then the big kicker:  he then asked me to help him find a girlfriend.  As he went off on his list, he kept asking questions about me.  All I could think was... why is he asking me these things?  Why does he want to know if I have a good relationship with my family?  Why does he want to know what kind of sports I've done?  And again, I over-thought things, drawing the conclusion that he was secretly asking about me because he liked me.  But the more we saw each other, the more he'd ask me about other girls.  Is she pretty?  Is she right for me?  Carly, do you think she is the one?  Of course I would tell him to talk to the girl and give it a chance, but inside, all I wanted to do was grab his shoulders, shake him, make him look me in the eyes, and yell, "HEY ESTEBAN, WHAT ABOUT ME?"

The truth is, no matter how hard I try, it'll never be me.

I had this dream last night that really inspired me to write this out.  I was a deer trying to cross an empty road to the woods.  As I walked, a car came by and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the car's headlights, so dazzled and infatuated with the view.  Every time I try to achieve something, I'm like a deer in the headlights, losing focus on the goal and averting my gaze to something that'll hurt me in the end:  you.

So Esteban, I know that even though you're calling me pretty, you do it to make me feel good, not because you really mean it.  I know that those talks we have are because you want to get things off your chest and I'm the one there, not so that I can get to know you personally.  I know that your hugs, hand holding and kind words were just kind gestures, not signs of infatuation.  And I'm sorry that that was how I saw it the past few months, and if you ever find this during your travels on the Internet, if someone shows you, or if I have the guts to present this to you in the future, I really hope you understand and forgive me afterwards.  I can't keep having these sleepless nights, wondering what you think of me... in the words of my friend, Mike Ballz, "Fantasize about us living in paradise, in a warm place where we never really die".

I've been sitting here for the past eight hours, trying to compile my thoughts into words, words into sentences.  And hopefully this is the last time I ever touch this.  So, until these feelings are mutual (which they probably never will), I have to let you go.  Put these feelings, dreams, aspirations, thoughts... all in a box and put them away for good. It's going to be tough.  It's not like I see you only once a week or month.  I see you more than that.  Three, four times a week.  Sometimes every day of the week.  But I can't keep torturing myself with false hope and aspirations with someone that doesn't want to be a part of it.

With being sick, I don't want to waste my time with someone that is steering me the wrong way.  I literally do not have time to mess around and joke about life.  And ironically, I've spent eight hours of my precious time writing about someone who I say I don't have time to be hung up on.  It's time to build relationships with others, not just you.  It's time to put myself out there for people and show them the best I can be, not put myself out there for you and show you the best I can be.  It's time to move on.