Friendly Reminders in Times of Change,

Each morning, I wake up to something changing.  And it's kind of annoying.

One morning, I woke up with a small, red zit on the tip of my nose.  Another morning, I woke up to an important missed phone call from my doctor.  And another morning... well, waking up to not-so-great news about one of my dear friends.

I feel my work load growing from small piles to surrounding me like a cold blanket filled with paper cuts and steam wand burns. My friend group has slowly dwindled down to maybe a couple friendly faces and my health... that's something we can talk about another time. Being surrounded by all this change and uncertainty has made me feel pretty claustrophobic, if I were completely honest. I'm so used to my life being SO BIG that when everything starts shrinking down (or when I feel like I'm shrinking down), I start to feel negative thoughts. Self-loathing. Incompetence. Failure.

But recently, especially the past few weeks, I have to remind myself of these few things. Maybe they'll help you, too.

1. You are a good person.  Regardless of what's happening in your life... whether you have one hundred friends or just one. Whether you are getting down on yourself or high in the clouds. Whether your words and actions reflected those of a saint or as the lowest of sinners... you are still a good person. You are still a person who is able to be loved and appreciated. Someone who deserves to be celebrated and supported. Don't let crappy circumstances, people, or emotions sway you into thinking otherwise. Going down the negative path and nit-picking at yourself is not the most constructive path to be on.
2. Change is there to mold you into something greater than you ever thought you could be.  Imagine the job of a blacksmith. His job is to take iron and turn it into awesome and useful things, weapons being one of the most popular. That blacksmith doesn't just gently place iron in a conventional oven to quietly heat up the iron and give it hugs to turn it into a sword.  This guy is putting metal in kilns that can go up to 2,400*F for long periods of time, then smashing it with hammers and bending it to whichever shape he wants. And the end product? Something strong, durable, and resilient. Look at the situations you're in. Are you willing to be bent, shaped, and molded into something greater or are you just going to wait in the fire for everything to melt away?
3. It's okay to be alone sometimes. As an extrovert, this is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever said. I get refueled by being around people; it's part of my nature. But for the past couple of months, I've wanted to be by myself. Yes, depression and some panic days did play a part of it, but I wanted to get to know myself, especially after everything that had transpired in the months beforehand. What do I like to do? What are my beliefs? How do I want to handle the circumstances I'm in? Who and what do I want to be influenced by; what influence do I want to be? Who am I without all the people around and what is my true character? It was probably one of the most rejuvenating periods I've experienced. And not many people understood that. But I'm pleading with you... even if it's just for a day or a week. Take some time to get to know yourself. Get away from the noise and distractions and hone in on what's truly important: getting to know and taking care of yourself.

I'll end it with this thought: don't let your circumstances crumble the foundation of who you are. You are a good person. No matter what is happening in your life yesterday, today, tomorrow, or forever... your circumstances do not define your character. Health scares, relapses, and crappy friends don't define you. What defines you is how you define yourself.

When the blacksmith pulls metal out of his 2,400*F kiln, that metal doesn't explode and crumble. It heals, hardens, and strengthens. So get out there and be the strong piece of metal that you are. Walk out into the world with confidence on your sleeve and the strength of a lion roaring in the deepest parts of your soul. If anything, I believe in you.

When Regret Comes Around,

There's times I sit and wonder how my life would be if I would have done more.  Been more bold and tenacious.  Said more than I did or even did more than I wanted to.  But the bittersweet thing about life is this: I can't go back and change any of that.

Let me tell you one of my many regrets in life; maybe you can relate.

There's a guy I met a little over a year ago that completely stole my heart. He was everything I really wanted: strong in his faith, worked with kids, challenged me in many places of my life, and even liked chicken nuggets (and people who truly know me know that someone who doesn't like chicken nuggets is a deal breaker) just to name a few. We would have long phone conversations about ministry and work. He even wanted to me to submit an application to start working with him. Brad was a person that I was ready to drop everything for... but 8 hours and 55 minutes separated my desires from reality.

You see, in order for me to grasp what I desired, which was a guy and an apprenticeship that I really wasn't promised a job at the end of, I would have had to drop my entire life and move to Charlotte, North Carolina. I did my research, sought council from my friends, prayed A LOT, and even started looking for apartments near the church I would have been working at.  At the end, though, I opted out.  I withdrew my application.  I cancelled my video shoots and Skype interviews.  And sometimes, I regret every moment of it.  I catch myself sharing things from the church or see Brad with his new girlfriend and the thought of me not being where my heart longs to be truly kills me.

But instead of living in the past, I have to learn from my past.

I never told Brad I liked him.  And I'm pretty sure a few other girls have admitted this to him in his time there, as well. I never told Brad anything, actually. I never took that step and fully submitted my applications.  I never got to meet the staff or intern with awesome people.  I never got to live out my dream and work at Elevation... yet.

I gained so much from staying though.  I wouldn't have been able to stay at Starbucks and learn more about my other passion of coffee if I didn't stay.  I wouldn't have met so many new friends if I didn't stay.  I wouldn't have been able to meet my youth kids and have the opportunity to preach if I didn't stay.  Heck... my life would be so different if I didn't stay.

Maybe it'd be a good different, I don't know.  All I know is this:  when regret comes around, brush your shoulders off.  There's probably a reason why you're on this particular path rather than the one you desire.  You may not see it now, but understanding comes with wisdom and experience.  And that's what I strive for in times of regret.

At the end of it all, I didn't really lose much. I gained more than I could ever imagine.  And forget Brad, he's just another guy.  There's someone better out there, anyways... and being patient for that person is something I'll never regret.

Bumps in the Road and Getting Over Them,

It's been a long time since I've really sat down and blogged.  It's been almost a year; I've never really taken that long of a break before.  But for those of you who don't know, you now know one of my many secrets: I have a blog.

So hello, welcome.

2016 has been one of the most chaotic, unpredictable, and earth shattering years I've been a part of.  Whether it be because of cancers, death, shattered friendships, or rediscovery... it's been a beautiful disaster that I've been privileged to be a part of.  And that's odd to say, when I think about it.  As a normal person, I wouldn't think that instantaneous tragedy like almost losing your friend to stage 4 cancer or actually losing someone to an unexpected car accident to be something I'm 'happy' to be a part of.  I disconnected from a lot of people that believed lies about me and people that I knew weren't good for me to be around.  These aren't things to be happy about, but these are things that I look back on, even though some may be fresh, and discover how much I've grown as a person, whether other people think it's a positive or negative change.

With all the chaos, I lost my stability this year.  I was in probably one of the darkest places I've ever been in and I would never wish that on anyone.  To be candid, I didn't think I was going to even come back from losing it.  There were many nights this year that I sat and contemplated my future or if I even wanted to continue on.  I can remember sitting in my bed, crying in confusion and thinking thoughts I never had for 24 straight days; and every night I would ask myself the same questions with nothing in return.  There were many mornings that I laid in bed and fought with myself over going into work, getting breakfast, or even leaving my room.  There were even a few moments when I would approach people I thought were my friends, especially one of my roommates, and was told that the things I were feeling were because I "wasn't praying hard enough" and that "people don't want to be around you anymore because you're draining to them when you get depressed and anxious. Where's your joy?!".  Because that doesn't make someone who's depressed feel worse.

Though this has been an insane year and there has been much loss and sadness, I have gained so much more than I could imagine.  My faith is stronger than it ever has been; that happens when you spend so much time alone.  God has been my firm foundation in this time and I'm so thankful for His timing and presence in my life.  I work with the best youth ministry and have the most wonderful kids that I get to hang out with each week... I genuinely love all 80+ of them and they're the highlight of my week (you can ask anyone; I talk about them way too much).  He's brought the right people and the right things in my life and I know there are greater things to come.

Speaking of people, I have the best support system right now.  Let me gloat about them real quick:

• My mom is not just my mom, she's one of my best friends.  I'm so grateful to have a mother who tells me like it is and loves me unconditionally.  I don't think I would've made it this year without her.
• I am absolutely grateful for my Starbucks family.  Regardless of how many tears I shed or how angry I got, they were still there for me and (not trying to assume) loved me on my good days and my bad days.  They're some of the most amazing people I've had the honor of working with.  And if they actually see this... Pj, Jordan, Tiff, Emily, and the rest of my #9310 team... I am so grateful for you guys.  I can't even put it into words.  Thank you for putting your agendas aside to be there for me.  I truly love you guys.
• The few friends that have stuck around with me are some of the BEST people in the world.  I don't think I've been so real with a group of people in recent years.  From coming to my house for spontaneous burritos, spending an entire night just driving and eating ice cream, or even getting serious with me during that dark time... Kara, Brianna, Sarah, Jessie, Sam, Katie... thank you for showing me that you care.  That's all I need.

With all this thank-you talk, I guess I can spill about what the title of this blog is really about... bumps in the road and getting over them.  I have learned a lot this year and if you're going through a hard time right now, I hope this will help... even just a small bit.

1. It's okay to be vulnerable with people. It's easy to assume that what makes us likable are our strengths, our accomplishments, or the things we're proud of.  Sure, this impresses people, but it isn't what draws others to us. We get closer to someone the more we can depart from what human beings are like and grow closer to the truths that are hidden by a cheerful facade.  These are truths like being lonely for a long time, how unsatisfactory a family situation is, or how worried we are... all the time. Revealing these things can put us in social danger, but friendship is seeing past that.  It's connecting with someone in that vulnerability and being empathetic with them.  It's looking at them and saying, "Hey, me too".
2. Your priorities don't have to meet someone else's standards in order for them to be important.  A few weeks ago, my roommate and I had a falling out over my priorities.  The fact that I can't go to church on Sundays because of my job is seen as unsatisfactory to her, and I got real frustrated. I'm making money, I'm paying my rent!  I know I'm doing something right.  And God knows I'm doing something right; if I wasn't, I would be on a different path right now.  Life isn't about impressing other people and catering your priorities to everyone else.  Which leads me to my third point.
3. Put some time aside to take care of yourself.  When I was at work last Monday, I cried.  All the stress life had thrown at me the previous few days had finally gotten to me.  Two of my coworkers were trying to comfort me (bless their poor souls for having to witness my Kim Kardashian-level ugly cry), when one of them said something that really stuck with me: money's gonna come, you're job's still gonna be here, none of that is important... what's important is that you need to take care of yourself.  So on the next day I had off, I took care of myself.  I cooked a nice meal, went on a run, put in extra effort when it came to my makeup, listened to some old emo-pop bands I blasted in the Myspace era of my life, mowed my lawn, cleaned my living space, and napped.  I napped a lot.  Self-care looks different to each person, but take time each day to treat yourself in small ways.  Don't let your mental health fall through; you're too important.
4. Find a good support system.  See my sappy thank you note for why this is important.
5. Try to be positive.  Dumbledore said it better than I could ever: happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.

I keep going because I know my best memories are yet to be made.  Never let a bump in the road be the end of your journey. 

Thinking at 6am Isn't a Great Idea,

I haven't slept in two days. It's 6am, an ungodly time for me to be awake, but I've been thinking a lot about this year. No, this isn't your usual "new year, new me" post... at least I hope it's not by the end of it.

I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I've been mean, petty, arrogant... even distant at times.  But worst of all, I've hurt a lot of people. Some on accident, some on purpose, and most of them people I claimed to love and admire.

It's one of the unfortunate realities of being human. One of the things that makes us beautiful, though, is that we can find these flaws and strive to make them better. I'm sure you'll agree though... some of us are better at this than others.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've lost the majority of my friends this year. Maybe it's because I place my work precedent over casual hang outs, my wardrobe consisting of nothing but black on black with a touch of green during the day and a pair of sweats and blankets after 10. Maybe it's because I'm literally running the finances of an entire household and making sure they're taken care of while getting backlash over our already dirt cheap rent. Oh, did I mention this is the first time I'm doing this, I pretty much taught myself everything, and made a fool-proof budget plan by myself? Maybe it's because I'm not as active in ministry anymore because my mental health, unfortunately, has to come first. Some people don't understand that as much as I've had to the past year, but I learned in the hardest and darkest way possible. I don't wish it on anyone. Maybe it's because I'm always depressed because of a diagnosis I haven't told anyone about except the people I work with and the few people outside of my work circle... but everyone assumes I'm fine. And it's okay. Even though this is something so much bigger than I am and I can never wrap my brain around it, I always assume I'm fine, too.

Or maybe... just maybe, I've finally found enough value in myself to realize that I deserve people that are there for me when I need help, too. I'm not just here to serve everyone else. I'm also here to take care of myself, and that's something I'm proud to have realized this year. No one can take that away from me.

I can sit here and say that everything is going to change this year. How I'm gonna be a different person come midnight tonight. How I'm gonna start taking care of myself, get 8+ hours of sleep, go to college, not let people affect my moods and how I feel about myself, take more time for me, make friends, stop being so depressed and anxious and scatterbrained all the time... but this is what I tell myself every year. And I fail big time. This pile of things I want to make better for me gets piled higher and wider the more I think about it. But I always try.

The thing about this huge, colossal pile is that it's not gonna be defeated in a day. Every day is a chance to take a small, manageable chunk off of the pile and work at that small piece, then move on to the next manageable piece. Changing yourself isn't about overwhelming yourself. It's about taking one small step at a time until you reach your goal.

Now, I'm not trying to turn over a new leaf; these aren't things one can just will into their personality. It takes time... a person is molded and shaped over a course of days and weeks, months and years. I know I'm not gonna get it right the first time. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to stumble, and I'm surely going to disappoint myself and everyone around me along the way. But as a friend once said, "Success is perserverance through failure and it's through failure that I will perservere to become the person I want to be." That is where I set my sights; setting a goal I know I will probably never achieve because perfection is impossible but nonetheless will persue until the day I die.

What is it they say? It's the journey, not the destination.

February 2, 2014 4:52 pm,

If you have never been on my blog before, this email is a response to this blog post I wrote over a year ago. This email is not edited; every word you see is the original text. I'm posting this more for me than anything. This isn't going to be posted around or advertised. If you stumble upon this, congratulations. And if you are "Timothy Kreider", I hope to hear from you soon.

Until next time, Carly

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Dear Carly,

I'm sure receiving this will be as strange for you as it is for me to write it. I've blogged occasionally and it always strikes me as strange when a stranger responds to something I've written out of the blue, and I suddenly realize yes, what I wrote is open to the entire internet. So on that note, let me just say: Im not a stalker, or even a stranger technically. Yes I'm using a fake name and email address, but i think what i have to say is more important than who is saying it. I do this sometimes, I see someone who I want to talk to but whether its my natural shyness, my worry about how they will perceive my words due to who I am, or just my love of mystery and pretending to be mysterious, I choose to respond anonymously. The anonymity of the internet can be dangerous and misused sometimes...but I'd like to believe that when something important needs to be said, sometimes an anonymous author can say it better than anyone. And honestly, the main reason I'm writing right now is to say thank you.

The internet can promote a false sense of intimacy. You can hide behind photoshopped photos or a clever screen name. You can tweak little bits about yourself without anyone ever knowing. You can pick and choose your words carefully, delete something you didn't want to say, and use google to expand your word pallet. The point I think I'm getting is sometimes its just a little to easy to lie to the world wide web. So I'd like to thank you for your honesty in your last post. Its hard to open up in person, harder to put yourself out there for EVERYONE. And I'm sure your Facebook and phone will be blowing up with encouragement from those who love and care about you once people see what you have written. And you should listen to that love and encouragement, because I find many of us take it for granted.

However, I know that sometimes thats not enough. I want to answer one of your questions-no. You are not the only one that feels the way you do. I think everyone does as you do, puts on a mask, hides the truth, puts on a show. Heck, if you asked any of my friends, they would describe me as a person with the utmost confidence, yet here I am, hiding behind a false name.

And I don't know why that is, why I'm more comfortable attempting to encourage people as Timothy Kreider than I would be as me. Its stupid. Its illogical. And as someone who holds logic in the highest of regards when it comes to decision making, it doesn't fit into my personality.

I apologize for my rambling. I started this email with the intention of sharing a little and giving my best attempt at anonymous encouragement. But I find when I'm not pretending to be me, its easier to be myself. And the real me, the myself me, is scared too. I'm scared of me. I'm scared to sit still and think for too long because I'm afraid I'll get apathetic. I keep myself unhealthily busy because I'd rather be stressed then have five minutes alone with myself. And I tell you this not to invoke your sympathy but to re-assure you that you are NOT alone. All of us at our age in our life go through this journey of uncertainty, and some of us are just better at coping with it than others. But listen to me, I know its weird getting this from me (mainly cause you don't know who "me" is..) but I PROMISE you Carly...you are not alone.

And I also want to tell you something...you don't have to be scared. I know this. I mean, I still get scared, but I know I don't have to be. Fear is nothing but a warning mechanism and it should NEVER control you. That guy you list in your blog description as your BFF? He's bigger than fear. He's bigger than anxiety. And he's got great stuff in store for you, I know that for a fact.

Not to say its gonna be easy, or that being BFFs with Jesus solves everything, it doesn't. Not even close. But things happen in weird ways. For example, I just happened to sit down at my computer before heading to work, and on a whim, clicked your blog from my Facebook news feed. And the second I finished your latest post, I knew I had to say something. Even if it was weird. Even if its random. Even if you deleted this and thought I was a creeper. Even if those goes to your spam folder and you never see it. I just had to say something...had to tell you that I get it. You are not alone. You are not the only one who's scared.

And you WILL beat this. I don't know how, or when, or what it will take, but this fear will not win. And again, even though I say this as an anonymous stranger I still have to say it: You don't need to be afraid of me. I'm the kind of person who attempts to love people the way your bff says to; unconditionally. And there are plenty out there like me, people who will not judge you.

Anyways, I apologize for the umpteenth time if this is really weird...you don't have to reply or anything. I do find it likely that this will hit your spam folder anyways. I just felt compelled to write for the first time in a while...so I did.


And please, keep writing. You've got a good thing going with this blog, keep it up smile emoticon

with the utmost sincerity,
Me.

When Life Throws a Curveball,

"I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down."

Earlier today, one of my Facebook friends posted this particular Vine and captioned it 'my life'. If you don't want to click the link and waste six seconds of your life, I'll just tell you this way: a little girl falls off a swing. As she's getting up, the swing comes back and hits her right in the face.

I won't say that that's how my life has been, but I will say that I believe that that's how a curveball feels.

Warning: I'm gonna be pretty transparent today, so if that's not your style, I'd advise you to just click away and go on with your life. I promise I won't be offended.

Don't get me wrong, 2015 has been an amazing year. I've actually had one of the best years of my entire life, and that's something I haven't been able to say for a while. But having an amazing year doesn't mask the difficult few months I've experienced. Friends I've had for years have picked up and moved away, I'm having some medical hurdles that I'm still dealing with today, recurring anxiety at an all time high... it really hasn't been a period I'd put in the history books.  But this has been my curveball: my unexpected, surprising, and disruptive chain of events that makes it seems like I'm stopped in my tracks and chained to concrete.  

For all the good and beautiful things I have in my life, there's also so much sadness.  I've been rejected, told 'no', and received not-so-stellar news so many times this year that it's started to feed the self-doubt and anxiety in the innermost parts of my being that I thought were gone and locked away.  It's made me think... are my friends truly my friends? Do I know who I am? Am I doing the right thing?  

And so, not purposely, I feel myself fading into the walls; my volume has been muted and my presence has become blended into the world. That's not how I should be. If I could compare my personality to anything, it'd be that amazing 64 pack of crayons everyone in your elementary classes were jealous of.  Recently, though, I'm just the gray one. Maybe the blue ones, but mostly the gray one.  I'm ready to be more than gray, though.  I'm slowly painting myself a different array of colors. I prefer that life, anyways.

Sometimes, when we hear things we really don't want to hear, it's not the worst thing in the entire world.  Sure, on top of the other medical conundrums I have to deal with on a daily basis, having a little bit of a memory problem is real scary at 22, but I'm working harder and harder each day to learn why this is happening to me; once I find out, I'm gonna tackle this like I do every problem: prayer, community, and a can of whoopin's.  But first, I can't let all these things consume my entire being.

And about those darn "no's" we hate to hear:  a part of me really likes them.  I definitely get discouraged hearing them, but it helps me strive to get closer to the end goal: one yes.  Pouring your whole heart into something to finally get that yes is the greatest feeling. All those "no's" won't know what they're missing out on.

There was this quote I saw once about curveballs that went like this:  "When life throws a curveball at you, they're not meant to be dodged.  They are meant to hit you, to mold and shape you to become the person you are meant to be.  Enjoy the impact, smile, and move on"  I, personally, don't want balls hitting me and beating me down... that'd just be degrading to myself.  So I'll leave you with this:

When life throws a curveball, swing.  Swing that sucker out of the park.  Show it who's boss and who's got your back.  At the end of the day, a curveball is just a curveball.  There's nothing to be scared of.  Have faith and swing.

This is a Blog About Laser Cats,

Among other things, as well. But mostly laser cats.

For as long as I've been alive, I've been fearful.  Fearful of rejection, failure, those comments behind my back when people ask each other "who does this girl think she is" or "why is she the way she is". But about a year ago, I decided to turn my life upside down: change jobs, live on my own, make new friends, and pick up some new hobbies along the way.  Because of all of this, I thought I was going to wake up one morning and all of a sudden be the coolest person on the planet with style even fashion bloggers would envy and all these amazing talents that I may have been able to make money off of. I realized soon after that life isn't that easy.

I realized that the things I appreciate and the people I love aren't your average people on the street. You could take away all their money, things, and luxuries in life and they'd still be happy with person-to-person quality time and a garbage bag.  They'd still be doing those things they were passionate about and, to be frank, wouldn't give a crap what anyone thought.

Life is risk.

Upon realizing this, it's been an interesting journey.  I'm striving to be on a path to be a person I'm terrified by and equally obsessed with.  I realized that if I wanted to do cool stuff, I should do cool stuff.  If cool stuff is going to work and learning every intricate detail of each coffee I sell on a daily basis, I'm going to do it.  But this doesn't just apply to me.  If you think cool stuff is pulling out your guitar and singing songs that you don't know the chords or words to, do it.  If cool stuff is finding the latest clothing trends and seeing how you can do them yourself, do it.

And if cool stuff is going on Tumblr and finding dozens of pictures of cats in space with lasers coming out of their eyes... well, you get it by now.

Whatever 'it' is, I urge you to do it.  Don't let people scare you into being someone else because they were too scared to be who they wanted to.  Let your mind wander and let yourself be the person you've always wanted to be.

Besides, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.