Summer Reading,

Holy birthday cake, I haven't written on my blog in a while!  Well hello, those of you that actually keep up with my blog!  I hope you all are well and healthy as the summer is starting up! Well, I decided to write this update because I thought I'd try and keep myself accountable on at least once thing:  summer reading.

I have an obsession with a few things, and sometimes it becomes unhealthy.  Among those things are books.  I'm one to scurry to the book section at work and browse all the newest releases as I'm waiting for a ride home, or spend hours at a time reading up on new books to add to my reading list. And usually, I'm pretty good at finishing all my books in a decent amount of time so that I can move on to other ones. But this year, because of work, EYA, small groups, and countless other things, I've been buying more books than I've been reading! That's not good at all! So after organizing my bookshelves, I decided to pull out 10 books and start a summer reading list.

1. You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado - I picked this book up just because everyone talks about how great Max Lucado's books are, to be honest.  But after actually opening it up and reading the side flaps, I really got into what the premise of this book is all about:  when you're thrown into a pit, there really is no easy exit.  I'm real excited to start this book, and I promise there will be tons of highlighter marks in it!
2. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky - I'm gonna confess: I watched the movie first. And I know I'm gonna get my head ripped off by a ton of Perks fans, but I thought it was finally time to read the book, especially since it's been sitting in my closet for over a year and I thoroughly enjoy the film.
3. Monster by Walter Dean Myers - This book is like a treasure of mine. In high school, this was one of the books that hooked me into reading again, even though it was more targeted to a male audience.  It was the grittiest and most raw book I was able to get my freshman hands on, and I was instantly hooked to this particular fiction genre. Plus, with the recent loss of Mr. Myers, I thought this would be a perfect way to pay homage to him.
4. The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkerson - A while ago, a friend of mine recommended this book to me. Modern day parables? Ordinary and the Land of Familiar? Is this some kind of Dr. Seuss book?!  But after reading countless reviews from many people, including Pastor Rick Warren and Michael Tait of the newsboys, I thought I'd give it a chance.
5. Fly a Little Higher by Laura Sobiech - This book tells the heartwarming but equally heartbreaking story of Laura's son, Zach, who became an Internet sensation after being featured on SoulPancake talking about his cancer, a rare form of bone cancer called Osteosarcoma.  I read the first 60 pages and it was absolutely incredible; I'm hoping I can get the time to read it this year!
6. Looking for Alaska by John Green - I know that everyone and their mother knows about The Fault in our Stars by now (which was a Nerdfighter secret for years before the movie trailers even got released), but fun facts for you:  two of his other books are turning into movies, too! One of them is Looking for Alaska, and thus being the reason I'm revisiting this John Green classic.
7. Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick - I've heard countless good things about this particular book, and I've definitely enjoyed his sophomore novel, Greater. It just made sense to read his first book! Hopefully it lives up to all the hype!
8. Seriously, I'm Kidding by Ellen DeGeneres - I love Ellen. Who doesn't love Ellen?
9. Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer - When I was first attending Chi Alpha, a college ministry in my town, the same friend that recommended The Dream Giver was starting a small group with this book and invited me to it. Since I didn't know her very well and really didn't have the money for the book, I kindly declined, but I was still extremely curious as to what it was about. So, I picked up a cheap copy at Walmart, put down a day to start it and (you know where this is going, huh?) put it on my bookshelf and never touched it again. That's all gonna change!
10. This Star Won't Go Out by Esther, Lori, and Wayne Earl - This book is similar to Fly a Little Higher, except this is a compilation of diaries, poems, pictures, blog posts, and art from Esther Earl, a young gal in the Nerdfighter community who passed away of another rare form of cancer, this time thyroid cancer, a few years ago.  In the 100 pages I read of it, Esther is poised and full of knowledge, eager to share her life with so many people. Lori and Wayne have graciously decided to share their daughter's entire life with the world, and I'm so glad I'll be able to finish reading all about her.

So, that's my pending reading list for the summer! Let's start a conversation about this, bibliophiles! What's on your summer reading list?  Have you read any of these titles?  And are there any books I should be reading?  I'd love to know all your thoughts!

And I promise it won't take me two or three months to update again. I've got a lot going on, so that means a lot to write about... eventually!

On the Friend Zone,

Now, I'm no expert in dating.  I've been a single gal for over six years, so I'm more familiar with being single than the concept of being in a relationship.  In fact, romantic relationships in general are an unknown to me.  But a reoccurring conversation I keep having with some of my guy friends and a guy I had rejected have made this post what it is.

The friend zone.  Oh, the dreaded friend zone. We all feel like we've been in the friend zone at least once in our lives.  And if you don't know the feeling, I'll define it like this:  you have feelings for someone, but they don't see it the way you do. And there's this myth going around that nice people get put in this said friend zone, simply for being nice.  But that's not the case at all.  Friends get put in the friend zone because they're being, wait for it... friendly.

I had a conversation with one of my guy friends recently.  After months of us being friends, he throws the bomb on me that he had feelings for me and wondered why I didn't respond to his advances.  The only thing I could really even say was, "Well, I thought you were just being nice."  Holding doors, grabbing my jacket, having a casual conversation, like you do with anyone else, doesn't show someone you have a special interest in them.

And that's what I had to realize about my own actions.  I come across as a generally friendly person (I hope), and if I like someone, it sometimes is shaded by the fact that I act the same way to everyone, so they assume I'm being friendly with them.  Sure, I get angry, but at the end of it, I just gained another cool friend! Isn't that something to celebrate, rather than get angry about?

I know this is a really weird topic for a single lady to talk about, since people my age are always talking about how terrible their singleness is and how people always push them to the side.  But I'm gonna be sort of brutally honest, and this is something I had to learn in the many years I've been looking for my Prince Charming:  nobody owes you anything for being nice, and the people you have interest in don't, either.  In this life, we're supposed to be nice to people.  You don't get a cookie or an award for doing stuff that you should be doing anyway.  So that means these few things:

1. If you express your feelings to someone and they don't have the same mindset as you, respect it.
2. Don't pressure your love interest on a date to 'change their mind'. All that's going to do is push you further away from them.
3. And don't spam their social media or personal numbers either with date advances. You'll be digging yourself into an even deeper hole than before.
4. Don't question it. No one can control their feelings, so asking someone "what's wrong with me that you can't give me a chance" is one of those unanswerable questions, unless you're willing to bury yourself in said hole.
5. Still stay connected with them. To that other person, your friendship means something to them.  Your heart may be broken, but is it really worth cutting off a friendship?

I've had interest in many guys during this single time.  Musicians, guys in my church groups, businessmen, football players, filmmakers, a guy in the Navy, a radio DJ in San Antonio, and one of the regulars I used to serve at Starbucks.  And though none of these guys have ever returned my feelings, I've grown to have so many new and cool friends that can get things that're too high for me to reach, open pickle jars, and have my back when we go out.  I've learned to realize that I appreciate those things way more than having a boyfriend.  If a man comes in my life that is willing to be a part of my life and I feel the same about him, I will welcome him with open arms and an even more open heart.  But until then, I'm being shown what a Godly man looks like, and that's way more than I can ask for.

Instead of getting angry at being 'friend zone'd, be grateful.  Maybe that person wasn't for you.  Maybe you weren't for them.  But be grateful that you have a new connection made in the infinite connections we are blessed to have.  It doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be worthwhile in the end.

What I Was Going to Talk About at Small Group... Until Last Night,

Scriptures to Accommodate Discussion:  John 13:15-16, Ephesians 2:10, Mark 10:45

When I was a senior in high school, my high school put on a production of “Beauty and the Beast”.  It was a musical that, as soon as I heard we were going to do it, I was so set on being in.  And the part I wanted to be?  Mrs. Potts.  I wanted to be the one on center stage, singing the iconic Disney classic for the entire school and the parents and families that would be coming.  So, I prayed for the part.  Along with that, I prayed to be used to minister to the kids that didn’t know Christ during the production of the play.  I prayed and prayed until the moment of the audition, when I sang the song in front of a few peers and four audition scouts that were volunteering.  And when I was finished singing, I had this feeling that I had gotten the part.  I was gonna be the best Mrs. Potts, and I was going to make some kids Christian in the process.

But that wasn’t really how it all worked out.  About a week later, I got an email from the musical director with the cast list.  And you may have already figured it out, but if you haven’t, sorry for the spoiler:  no, I didn’t get Mrs. Potts.  I didn’t get Mrs. Potts, or Chip, or even one of Gaston’s stalkers.  The part I had received was the Enchantress, the character that shows up in the first few moments of the film, turns Prince Adam into the Beast, and vanishes, never to be seen the rest of the duration of the film.  I was angry, wondering why God didn’t deliver what I wanted, so I pulled out of the musical immediately.

What I had realized later in life was that God did give me what I asked for.  He didn’t give me the exact place or position I wanted, but He did give me the opportunity to serve and minister to those who didn’t know Him.  I prayed to minister to those people, He gave it to me, and I denied the job He presented.  Instead of feeding my serving heart like I had intended, I decided to feed my ego, and my ego was anything but happy.  And that’s dangerous!  When you start to feed your ego and malnourish your serving heart, you start to believe that serving is all about YOU, when it’s supposed to be all about HIM.

I’ve been leading our Pre-service Prayer team at Erie Young Adults for a few months now, and it’s been awesome, but it’s also been a learning experience for me.  When some of them pray, and I do it too, we use this common term:  Use me.  Use me to lead them to You.  Use me to help You.  Use me, use me, use me.  But sometimes, your “use me” can turn into a “use me… more than everyone else”, especially when you’re feeding your forever-starving ego.  And I confess, this is something I have trouble with sometimes.  At one point, I did this so much that I started to turn being used by God as my personal Savior… essentially using being used.

As our ministries get bigger, whether they be our individual interactions, small groups, young adult and youth groups, and church establishments, we must also get smaller.  What we have to remember is this:  imagine that God is the entire universe.  Yeah… that universe.  Gigantic, infinite, no edge.  Compared to this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge, you are an itty, bitty star, suspended in this infinite, gigantic universe with no edge.  You, as this tiny star, would not be able to be suspended in the vast emptiness of space without the universe holding you up and giving you life.  You would not be able to live and breathe on this Earth without God giving you the breath you breathe and the ground to walk on.

When serving and praying for opportunities to serve, we should ask God to “use anybody” he wants instead of just using us individually.  Instead of praying that you’ll be used and being granted applaud less, mundane opportunities to serve, pray that He just moves and participate in the joy that will come.

Think about Jesus’ ministry for a minute.  Sure, He fed the 5,000, raised the dead, healed people left and right, but at the end of the day, he only ministered to 12 people.  And with today’s standards, Jesus’ ministry was an epic failure.  That’s right, I said it:  Jesus’ ministry was a failure.  But think about how the church has turned today!  I saw a post from one church saying that they brought 40 people to salvation on Easter and that if “you want saved, come to a service“.  I’ve heard leaders from organizations get more excited over the number of people coming to the services than the number of people being served and growing each week.  This is happening at many of our churches to many of our leaders, even ourselves, and we don’t even realize it because it’s become such a norm.  Sometimes, I feel like the church is being fueled on numbers, rather than salvation and the message of Jesus, and because of that, I feel like it’s rubbing off on other Christians as it being ‘okay’ to feed our inner-most egos.  At the end of the day, we’re in it for Jesus, not ourselves.

When I first accepted Christ, I would never go out and do serving stuff.  I would make excuses and say that it "wasn't my spiritual gifting to serve, but rather to preach".  And a friend of mine said something pretty cool that I still hold with me today:  If we don’t wanna hold a toilet brush, we have no business holding a microphone.

I really feel like we can apply this to our personal serving heart, not just in the situation of cleaning toilets.  Jesus hung out with the lowest of people.  Prostitutes, lepers, tax collectors, the homeless… He got on their level.  Instead of feeding our forever-starving ego, why can’t we be like Jesus and just get on their level?  Being human towards others sends more of a message than acting superior.  Remember:  messengers are never greater than the One who sent them.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned in life, from the serving incident, the Mrs. Potts denial, and just all throughout childhood, is that life is not all about me.  And you know what?  It never will be.  As Christ-followers, our actions will never be about us.  It’ll always be about God and what he did for each and every one of us, so we could be granted eternal life forever.  Instead of praying that God use you more than the rest, pray that God moves and that you wouldn’t miss the joy.  Open your eyes so wide so you can see it and be a part of it, even if it means you aren’t the star.

Why Don't We Talk About Saturday?,

Since it's Holy Week, I thought I'd talk about it real fast.

We all know what happened Good Friday.  Jesus was arrested.  He was taken into the Roman courts before Pontius Pilate, who sent Him back to the Jewish courts.  Then he was sent to Golgotha, the place of the skull, to be crucified (Matthew 26:47 - Matthew 27:26).

The Bible says that at noon, the skies got dark and the Earth started to shake.  The temple veil was torn from top to bottom to show that no mortal man had absolutely "nothing" to do it.  And as Jesus cried out "It is finished! (John 19:30), the people realized that He was no ordinary man.

He was taken down from the cross, prepared for burial, and placed in the tomb to be buried at a later time.

We all know what happened Easter Sunday.  He arose.  Escaped the tomb and showed himself to his friends, disciples, and rumored 500 others- not just believers, but also cynics- before he ascended into Heaven.  With his resurrection, He proved that He was none other than the son of God.

But what about Saturday?  Well, after some extensive reading, the only thing I could come up with is this:  Saturday was about preparing.  The day between the promise and the fulfillment of the promise.

As it says, Pilate pretty much told the Pharisees and high priests to seal his tomb until Sunday, since they didn't have time on that Friday/Saturday to properly dress him for burial (thanks, Sabbath!).  The only reasoning they sealed the tomb was because they were afraid that Jesus's disciples would steal his body in the night and essentially "fake" His resurrection.

While the people of Earth were mourning, it says this in Ephesians:  "When he ascended on high, he took many captives and gave gifts to his people. (Ephesians 4:8)"  When He died, Satan was stripped of his captives and He rescued the righteous ones, from the beginning of time to that very moment.  He pretty much put death to death.  Dang, Jesus! 

But with this information, I want you to think of something:  do you have struggles in your life that you feel like aren't being answered or taken care of by God?  Do you feel ignored?  Like you've been living on a prayer (oh, we're halfway there...)?

Throughout studying the means of Holy Saturday, I realized something:  God could've resurrected Jesus as soon as He took His last breath.  He could've let Jesus not get crucified.  He could've.  But as you can see, He didn't.

Maybe what you're going through right now is your waiting period.  You feel at your lowest, like no one is coming the rescue.  Like you're stuck in your tomb.  But it's coming.  Your Friday has passed, your Saturday is here, and your Sunday is quickly approaching.

Saturday was a day between the promise and the fulfillment of the promise.  And if this is where you are in your walk now, I pray that you stand on this truth.  You're in the preparation process.  And before you know it, your time of celebration will be here.

Why Do We Put Christianity in a Box?,

This post was inspired by chapter 9 of Jesus > Religion:  Why He is So Much Better Than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough by Jefferson Bethke. Definitely one of my recommended reads.

So I will 100% admit:  I love my music.  I could sit for hours and listen to music, and my CD collection doesn't prove anything different.  As of typing this post, I have 103 CDs and over a thousand songs on my iPod, ranging from acoustic to 50's doo-wop to Korean pop to even a hint of hood rap (Childish Gambino and Tupac, anyone?).  But as I'm looking through my music and all the genres I listen to, I noticed something pretty peculiar:  Christian music is the only genre categorized by religion.  There's no Atheist, Buddhist, Pagan, Muslim genres of music... only Christian.

Now, I have nothing against it at all.  I completely understand the reasoning.  But the thing I became bothered with as I continued to ponder it is the fact that everything that has to do with Jesus or has the word "Hallelujah" in the song is automatically placed in a "Christian" box.  Art, music, movies, stories... as soon as religion comes into play, it's immediately put in this box, set to never be seen by those who really need to see it.

But why?  Why is Christian art placed in this box without anyone giving it a chance?  The only things I could think of are these three things, other than the mention of Jesus:  monotony, easy finishes, and a sense of not even caring to even try to push the envelope anymore.

Before I explain, I just want to point out that we don't do this with anything else except art.  Here's an example:  let's just say you and I are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant.  The reviews of the place are five-star ratings, so this place must be awesome.  But before we order, I decide to ask the waiter:  "Excuse me, is the chef in the kitchen Christian?  Because if he's not, I definitely can't eat here and need to go somewhere with a Christian chef immediately."  I think my waiter would find me extremely nuts if I asked something as crazy as that.  We judge people in certain professions based on their field of expertise, not their faith.  So why are we doing this with our artists?

When it comes to Christian art, it all seems the same to me.  I feel like I could probably tell you the plot of a few Christian films with one sentence:  a Christian male tries to prove a non-Christian wrong or tries to improve his own life by discovering Jesus and because of this, their significant others break up with them and/or get pregnant and someone else dies.  I'm not saying these films aren't good, because they have a great purpose of introducing new Christians to Jesus and even teaching new things to old and new Christ-followers alike.  I will confess, if it weren't for the film "To Save a Life", I wouldn't be here worshipping Jesus like I do each and every day.  I just think these films could use a little more thought and more creativity, rather than taking a plot that has been used a hundred times and placing it back on the big screen with different actors and settings.  

Christian fiction books mostly follow the same format as movies.  There's a little bit of a difference, but at the end of the day, they all pretty much have the same premise.  Same concept goes with music.  Some of these newer musicians are getting real lazy with their songwriting (if you can take your significant other's or crush's name and replace it with God's, there's a bit of a problem there).

So, Carly, I guess that means you live in the world and hate everything Christian.  Actually, no.  I will admit, I love secular music.  Some of my favorite artists are strictly secular, and that's completely okay.  The problem with secular music arises when what is being produced is not morally good or glorifying good things.  Think about it:  Genesis 1 says that God created everything.  Trees, music, art, that pizza you're totally thinking about baking sometime this week.  God created it.  And He said it was good.  But these good things God has made become bad things when we abuse them and use these forms of worship to glorify ourselves and our worldly desires.

Two artists I really respect in this tough music industry are Lecrae and TobyMac.  When the hip-hop community is starting to get a bad name, from shootings to gang fights and general violence, Lecrae is the one who actually wants to talk to media, rather than avoiding it.  Answering their questions.  Showing them that the light of Jesus is still in this group of people.  Lecrae is one of the few Christian artists that isn't afraid to come out of the woodwork when times get tough and still preaches the Gospel to those who will listen.  

On the other hand, TobyMac released an album last year that blew up the Billboard Hot 200, which is a predominantly secular chart.  For weeks, Toby was on the top of the charts.  And then he won a few major awards at various awards shows.  He wasn't TobyMac, the Christian artist, at that time.  He was just TobyMac, the artist that created award winning and record breaking music.

Shouldn't that be what all artists strive for?  Not to be the best Christian artist, but the best artist of all by showing glory to God while displaying your craft and positively impacting others with your message?

As Christian artists, we should be setting the bar for good art and culture, not hiding ourselves in a box and copying others' art and calling it "Christian".  Your art reflects who God is.  When you're copying others and not putting in your best efforts, you are lying about who God is.  You are showing a false image of Him.

And for those of you who are saying right now that you can't make art, you really can.  Art isn't just painting pretty pictures, filming things with a video camera, and singing into a microphone.  Do you cook?  Sew?  Write stories?  Rebuild cars?  Whatever you're passionate about, do it for the glory of God.  Worship Him with your passions.  Your passions become God's art.

Listening to your worship playlist isn't worship; it's just an aid for your worship time.  When I'm doing things I'm passionate about and creating good things, I find that I'm as connected to Jesus as I am in my prayer time.  Why?  Because I'm using my gifts that God has blessed me with and am using them to glorify Him and His kingdom.

As this new week is about to begin, I challenge you to glorify God with your passions.  And whenever you are doubting your potential, remember that God created you in His image.  And out of everything He made in Genesis 1, you are the only thing made in His image.  And since He was a creator, you are too.

Music Monday: Self-Confident Edition,

So, these are some songs from my workout playlist that I pretty much blast while I'm running or jump roping. I hope they give you all some motivation to join me on this journey, or just give you a few awesome songs for your iTunes or Spotify playlists!

By the way, I made a Spotify playlist of all the music I've ever mentioned on this blog (well, all the music that it'd let me put on a playlist in Spotify) . Here it is, if you'd like to just listen to the music I was able to put in a playlist! https://play.spotify.com/user/126077568/playlist/6EV7gcF4S0O2MIjEUQynxV

1. "Cannonball" by Lea Michele

I've got this new beginning and I will fly like a cannonball. Pretty much the summary of the past 55 days of my life. Plus, I got some very encouraging words from my friend, Amy, describing this year of growth for me as a 'cannonball being shot out of a cannon'.  So, you can definitely say that this song has become my anthem for 2014. And you can't deny that Lea Michele looks and sounds absolutely gorgeous.

2.  "Unpretty" by TLC

TLC was one of my favorite groups when I was a little girl, and "Unpretty" was one of my favorite songs.  I never realized what this song was about until I got older, though. It's a song about self confidence and loving yourself! Before you change something about yourself, learn to love it! And if you want to change it, think of it as enhancing something that is already beautiful!

3.  "Video" by India.Arie

India.Arie is officially my queen. "Video" is pretty much the "Hey I love myself and I don't give a damn what you have to say about it" anthem of my life. She's so beautiful as it is, and having her admit in such an intimate way that she loves herself, even in those times where she doesn't shave her legs, brush her hair, or wear fancy clothes, is extremely powerful to me, and she is such a body peace inspiration of mine.  You are all queens in your own right!

March 11th: The End of an Era,

Almost two years ago, three days after my 19th birthday, I remember waking up, going to the old silo building on Zuck Road, and getting these little metal death traps called braces cemented in my mouth.  After two and a half hours of failed attempts to install my expander and headgear, thinking up a last-minute plan to avoid jaw surgery, and countless other unfortunate events, I was left in the review room with a "How to Take Care of Your New Braces" video and thirteen teddy bears on the wall.  And I cried.  Why?  Because I knew, as a nineteen year old woman, I was now an outcast. I felt ugly, and my teeth were even more of an eyesore.

Throughout this process, though, as my teeth were shifting, I was shifting too.  In this two years, I've definitely changed a lot. And it's kind of freaky to think about.  Sure, I've physically changed, gaining decent amount of weight and not the most beautiful skin, but there's been a bigger change internally.  My braces used to hold me back from so many things. People, events, spontaneous outings... I was scared of it all. It's kind of funny to think that at this moment last year or even two years ago, I was afraid. I'm still scared of some social situations, but not as much as I was before. I've become a more confident, outgoing, and overall happier version of the person I previously was. And I'm loving every second of it.

So tomorrow, when I go the old silo building on Zuck Road for my second to last appointment and get these little miracle workers off my teeth, get them all polished and clean, and throw a retainer in that'll give me a lisp for a few days, I know I'll cry. Not just because I'll be in pain or because I'll have beautiful teeth.  But because I'm ending an era of my life. This Tuesday is the close of a chapter in my life that I've been so grateful to have, though a little painful. I can't even express how grateful I am for this part of my life. It's been real, it hasn't been too fun, but it's something I'll always carry with me.

These past two years have been amazing; I can't imagine what this next journey will be!  Here's to a new chapter in my life, full of self-confidence and loving myself and everyone around me!

On Lifestyle Changes and Lasting Longer Than 7 Days,

For those of you that know me personally, you know that I'm one of those people that quits easily and very fast.  If I mess up on a dance routine or a song I'm trying to play on my keyboard, I don't feel guilty throwing my keyboard back in the closet or hanging up my dancing shoes.  It's always been how I am, and I really don't know why.  But this time, things are different.

As of Saturday, I can proudly say that I have been living a cleaner, healthier lifestyle for 30 days, something I've never been able to say before.  It's kind of nuts to think about, actually.  And sure, I've slipped up a few times (cuz I know my mom is gonna see this and say, "CARLY YOU ATE MY LINDOR TRUFFLES YOU LIE" and I do confess to eating Chinese once), but for the most part, I've been testing out a Paleo-based diet with a bit of chicken and seafood for protein, naan for a little bit of carbs, a little bit of cheese and almond milk for my dairy, and a half-gallon jug of water a day.  I can happily say that I've never felt better.  Sure, I don't look any different and I feel hungry all the time, but those things will change over time.  And last night, while I was trying to find myself some zucchini and spinach at Wal-Mart, I thought that I could share how I'm doing as well as I am to people who may not be doing so well or are easy quitters, like myself.

I know I'm not a doctor, personal trainer, nutritionist, psychologist, or any other profession that has to do with health or how the mind works.  I'm just a girl that works at Target.  But these are just things that have been working really well for me, and maybe they'll work for you too.

So here they are and the answers to my so-called 'success':  how am I going longer than seven days of clean eating and not quitting yet?  And honestly, it's pretty simple.  It's based on these six things:

1. Having my own money and no restrictions on what I can/can't buy.  Pretty simple concept.  I'm working.  I have my own money.  And I work in a store where they now sell all kinds of good things for me.  So, instead of my parents getting mad that I need a $5 bottle of flax seed oil, a half gallon water bottle, and a pair of yoga pants and spending their money, I'm able to get these things and not feel guilty asking anyone for help.
2. Experimenting.  I'm not a huge fan of vegetables.  The only vegetables I used to enjoy were potato chips and fried zucchini and eggplant.  What a food palette, huh?  But, when you're living a healthier life, you have to break out of your normal habits and start trying new things.  Don't start crazy with vegetables you don't like! That's a no-no!  I started with zucchini for three reasons: I really liked fried zucchini, my grandma used to make me zucchini at her house every summer, and I thought it'd be a real great start in my vegetable adventures.  Now, I can seriously say that I know how to make pizza and chips out of zucchini, and they're absolutely fantastic, plus a lot of other things!  And yes, I've already experimented with other veggies too:  broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, tomatoes (shut up I know they're fruit, I still hate them)... and my next experiment?  Spinach.  By golly, pray for me.
3. Pinterest.  Holy crap, can I just get married to Pinterest?  I mean, even I have a secret board of some things I'd want in my wedding, and I've been single since the serpent convinced Adam and Eve to eat the apple off the Tree of Good and Evil.  No matter what you think of Pinterest, type in the words 'healthy recipes' and thousands of delicious meals are on your computer screen or phone, ready to be pinned, read, and tried in your own kitchen.  And that is what I love about it! I don't think of those colorful, delicious recipes by myself... I'm not that smart! Thank you, guy/girl who invented Pinterest. You're my hero.  If you want to find me on Pinterest and follow me, go to http://pinterest.com/WizCarlyfuh.  I'd love for you to join my pinning adventures!
4. Accountability.  This concept is something I've really never had before.  And I know my mom is gonna read this, so I know she's gonna be like, "Excuse me Carly, I was your accountability partner." But do you know how easy it is to skip a workout or eat all the rigatoni in the fridge or buy a couple bags of chips and sneak them all into your room when your accountability partner is at work and not checking up on you?  Well, I'll tell you:  it's so easy that I gained as much weight as a 3-year-old child in one year, along with my various health issues.  And to give you a perspective, an average 3-year-old child weighs at least 40-50 pounds.  You're welcome for the visual.  But back on track now... this year, a group of friends and I are starting a focus group, with workouts, snacks, and a study.  And the best part?  Each of us has an accountability partner.  And we're all each other's accountability partners.  That's absolutely crazy! So I went from having 0 accountability partners to like... 20. Pretty nuts!
5. Taking it slow.  I've been one of those people that makes it their new year's resolution to get thinner.  Every damn year.  And every time, I start way too fast.  I work out for an hour on the Wii.  I take carrots to work.  I try to eat yogurt, even though I hate yogurt.  And because I did things so quickly, my body just didn't have time to get used to the dramatic change.  So it makes me become less motivated... very quickly.  I take a day off after day 5 and all that work I put into myself the past four days becomes a waste of time.  Yoga Lady on Wii complains the next time I go on that she hasn't worked out with me in four months.  The carrots are thrown away and the yogurt forms a moldy film.  Take things slow!  I started out with healthy eating, and have gradually starting putting workouts in my daily routine.  Maybe that'll work for you too!
6. Noting every victory.  Speaking of the focus group, we got these notebooks at the focus group.  We were never given any direction as to what we were supposed to do with them, so I did something on my own:  every day, I try to write at least one healthy thing I did for myself.

       
Whether it's making a healthy meal, packing food for work, taking the long way to get something... anything we may see as small is still considered a victory! When we get into that mindset, it's so much easier to do and conquer new things, because even trying turns into a victory in itself!

But yes, friends.  This is really all that it took for me to start living a better life.  Sure, it's hard.  It's hard to sit in a restaurant with my friends and not be able to order any food there.  It's hard to have waiters look at you funny while you ask for a straw for your 'special snack smoothie'.  It's hard to sit in my own house sometimes and just know that there's 40 (literally) bags of Twizzlers, little Moon Pies, and chocolates in the cabinets of my stepfather's bar.  It's hard after eating to not have more, since I still feel hungry and have to slowly train my stomach and brain about proper portions and limit oily foods.  This entire thing, as someone who suffers from a binge eating disorder, is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  But throughout these trials comes good things.  Learning new things.  Gaining friends and accountability.  Substitutions I never knew I could do (I bet you didn't know that you could make ice cream out of peanut butter and frozen bananas, or that you can substitute your fried buffalo chicken wings with baked buffalo cauliflower!).  And you know, though it's tough right now, at this very moment, I'm willing to stick it out for another month.  Binge eating and PCOS has beaten me before, but this time, I'm not going out without a fight!

Music Monday: K-Pop Edition,

Okay, I know I'm gonna get a ton of crap for posting this genre this week, but I really don't care.  K-pop has been a genre I've loved since I graduated high school, and I've grown to become totally okay with embracing and expressing that to the public.  Besides, 90% of the talent in Korea are probably more hard working than many of the musicians in America's entertainment industry today.  These guys have long days and nights, sometimes hardly eat, 14 hour training days, and award shows practically every day.  I'm gonna post some of the groups I've grown to love in the past three years, and I would love to know what you guys think.  And no, none of these are "Gangnam Style".  There's way more to K-pop than "Gangnam Style" and Girls' Generation.  This is actually good music, I promise.

1.  "Growl" by EXO

I'm a sucker for fantastic choreography.  I'm also a sucker for a guy with great vocals.  Put those two together and you have EXO, a group of 12 fine, talented young lads that put a whole new meaning to a one-shot music video.  These boys are rookies, only in their second year in the business, but they're surely going to go places in the future.  This is the Korean version of the song, but if you wanna check out the Chinese version (cuz the group is supposed to be split up in Korean and Chinese speaking members), click here.

2.  "Please Don't..." by K.Will

It's been over a year since this video has been released and it still makes me want to cry/throw things/rip my hair out.  It just makes me really emotional and equally pisses me off.  K.Will's vocals are absolutely smooth, like chocolate, because DAMN I could listen to him all day.  And though you can't see his face throughout the entire thing and the song is driven by a story-heavy video, it's definitely one of the most beautifully shot videos in Korean media.

3.  "Heaven's Door" by Eric Nam

Okay, we're getting into the cute segment of "What Carly Likes in K-Pop".  And no, I'm not talking about the boys (maybe). But I'm talking about Atlanta born and raised Eric Nam, discovered by a few talent agencies by a cover he posted on Youtube.  After appearing on "Birth of a Great Star 2" and releasing his album last year, this guy has blown up.  And though he's not a star in America, I'm so proud of him for getting recognized for the talent that he is.

4. "The Chaser" by INFINITE

Again with the fantastic choreography and perfect harmonies.  INFINITE is one of those groups that likes to play with different sounds, not wanting to sound like the normal group, and actually do it well.  Plus, these guys are all so talented, their company made two sub-groups:  a rap duo and a solo act with the leader of the group, Sunggyu (I will say that his album was extremely underrated and it's one of the greatest albums in my collection at the moment).  "The Chaser" reminds me of some 80's electro soundtrack, and the choreography is on POINT.  Like, so technical and complicated and precise... my inner dancer is screaming with how much I love this choreography.  Now if only someday I can dance as well as these guys.

5.  "Something" by TVXQ!

Oh, the veterans of K-pop.  TVXQ! has been around since 2004, and with all the turmoil their group has been through, from losing three members to legal lawsuits, Yunho and Changmin have risen above it and have released such great music the past few years.  Their recent single, celebrating their 10 year anniversary together, kind of has a 50's swing vibe to it, and the technical footwork in this is absolutely phenomenal.

Honorable Mentions:

These are still groups that I absolutely LOVE, but I'd rather show you my top 5 then my top 20. :)

Tasty - MAMAMA

Super Junior - Sexy, Free, and Single

SHINee - Everybody

2PM - A.D.T.O.Y.

Sunggyu - 60 Seconds

U-Kiss - She's Mine

MBLAQ - Smoky Girl

Block B - Very Good

And lastly, Dick Punks.  All of the Dick Punks.

I'm Scared,

I'm not here to entertain or enlighten anyone like I usually try and do.  I honestly don't have the capacity to do that at the moment.  I'm here as one human being, connecting and communicating to you because I am not happy.  I'm not happy with myself and I guess I just need to communicate about it.

I feel like I've never been the best version of myself.  I say I'm going to try and get into school, but I remember that the government doesn't like to accept my FAFSA forms, so I get lazy and stop trying, let alone caring.  I say that I'm going to register to a gym or finish my driving lessons, but I realize that I don't have enough money for either and I quit.  When it comes to my graphic design stuff, I haven't been doing as many as I used to, which is pretty unacceptable to me seeing as I've done it before, but I also realize that there are way better artists than me.  Hell, I even started directing the people that have asked me to do graphics to the people I know are better than me.  Plus, I don't think that the stuff I've been creating recently has been as good as it used to be, and it just makes me, well... disappointed and frustrated.  So I do the thing I'm most talented at:  I quit.  I throw in the towel and call it a day.  I'm trying so hard to be the person I want to be, but every time I pull up a blank file or start up a university website or attempt to find a decently delicious recipe for this weight-loss plan I keep trying to do, I get absolutely terrified to create or even try.  Like, genuinely scared.

And the thing I'm scared of?  Honestly, it's you.  The person I'm talking to at this moment.  I've learned in this short lifespan that I've experienced that people do a lot of things to impress people; to get people to like them.  I remember having a conversation with one of my bosses and he was telling me that he was learning this particular song on the guitar for this girl he was interested in.  I had asked him if he liked playing guitar, and all he could reply with was, "Not really, but girls like guitars."  So, was he trying to tell me the only reason he was inspired to pick up a guitar was because he wanted a particular girl to have an interest for him?

And I think that's why a lot of us do anything in this life.  Whether we learn a new sport or instrument, pick up a new hobby, dress differently, change our interests... we spend our lives obsessing over whether people will like us.  When I was in high school, as a young kid being picked on for no particular reason, all I wanted in life was for people to like me.  But once I got out of high school and was introduced to the people I have now, I had surrounded myself with so many people that actually did like me (or so I hope), more people than I had ever imagined and my confidence had boosted to highs that I've never experienced before.  But over the course of a few months, with diagnoses up the wazoo, an excessive amount of weight coming from God knows where, friends slowing dwindling away, losing inspiration towards things, and countless other factors, my confidence has shriveled down to practically nothing.  And what holds me back sometimes is when I try to do something, I'm afraid that people won't like what I'm doing, which will in turn make them not like me.  And so I run away from the situation, which is another one of my many useless talents in life, and pretend that that particular thing was never on my mind to even try.

I know it's weird.  I know that you're probably thinking, "Carly!  Do what you want!  You shouldn't care what other people think and be the person you want to be instead!" but I can't help but care about what other people think of me.  Worrying about what you think about me has been my entire life.

Even though my social anxiety is getting better, I still get worried about what other people think of me every single day, and it's a struggle.  What do my friends think of me?  What kinds of conversations do they have about me when I'm not around?  What are things that are flawed about me that they've seemed to notice, but wouldn't dare say to my face?  Why do they pick other people for things over me?  And another one:  do they even talk about me at all?  Do they even care about me enough to discuss the mere topic about me?  Yes, guys... this is just a portion of how this brain of mine works.  I know I appear to be a happy, energetic person, but no one really understands that while I'm laughing and trying to put on a smile, I'm fighting this internal battle every time I look at someone.  Even when I am genuinely happy, I feel like I'm putting on a show for people so that they will someday like me.  So that I'm worthy of friendship, a date, a new job... anything that'll get me connected with people I'm certain like me.

My hope is that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that everyone just secretly feels this way, in one way or another.  But honestly, I don't know that for sure.  And if there is a solution, other than trying to not care as much about what other people think, I honestly don't know how to even do that.

All I've ever wanted to do with my life is make and do things that make me and other people happy, and I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my limited time on this planet.  But I guess I just have to hope that I have the capacity to even take the first step and begin striving to be the person I want to be, because I honestly don't know.  I'm generally unsure, and that scares me a lot.

Music Mon(Tues)day,

I know I'm late with Music Monday this week, but forgive me! Here are my three picks of the week!

1.  Get Out - Casey Abrams

I don't know if anyone remembers Casey Abrams from American Idol.  He was the underdog contestant that pretty much played every single instrument in the history of the planet and swept a lot of ladies off their feet with his raspy, soulful voice.  And yes, I was one of the many swept off their feet.  I didn't know that Casey made an album outside of Idol until recently, but when I found it, I was pretty shocked by how awesome it was!  Not that I would expect anything less of Casey, but HOLY CRAP! It has this positive, Jack Johnson-esque vibe to it while keeping light of Casey's quirky, vibrant personality.  Take a listen to one of the singles on Casey's album, then run over to Spotify or iTunes and listen to the whole thing.  I promise it's a great listen... take my word for it!

2.  Ash - Andrew Huang

For those of you who have been following my Music Monday section for a while, you know that I have a soft spot for independent artists.  Andrew is one of the most versatile artists I've had the privilege of listening to and interacting with on social media.  He's done almost every single genre I can think of:  acoustic, rap, dubstep, ska, comedy... he's done a rap in five languages and a song in twenty-six different genres!  Holy talent, huh?!  But anyways, this particular song is part of his newest album, "The Coldest Darkness", and it's a more serious piece.  I've been in love with it since he released it, and I thought I would share the magic of this piece with you guys.

3.  Falling Down - Oasis

I'm a huge fan of 90's music.  Especially Oasis.  If I could place a group of bands in a numerical ordered list of bands that have influenced my adolescent years, Oasis would be number one, then Matchbox 20, then Goo Goo Dolls, then... well, I don't know. But Oasis is number one.  The funny part about this particular song is the fact that I found it on a title sequence of an anime.  It's pretty crazy what songs they use as title sequence songs for dubbed animes, but I'm glad they chose Oasis. It just made my viewing of this particular one ten times more enjoyable.

On Internships and Growing Up,

When you're growing up, it's certain that you will get asked what you want to be when you grow up.  And honestly, I hate that question.  As I'm sitting here tonight, I really don't know what I want to do.  I don't know what I enjoy, what my passions or hobbies are, or even what really gets me out of bed every morning other than the fact that I need to pay my last orthodontics payment in less than 20 days.  It kind of sucks, especially when I'm in an entire room with some of my friends, with their fancy degrees and talking about their upcoming classes.  And then there's me, the girl with the high school diploma and no clue what direction to go next.

There's a part of me that just wants to apply to cool internships and see where it takes me.  New York City, Chicago, Portland, Los Angeles... the possibilities are endless!  There's definitely a couple of internships I've dreamed of landing, but I know they're probably way out of my reach, due to the lack of any college education.

Ever since I met the Buried Life last year and one of the guys pretty much offered me an internship with their documentary, I've been almost obsessed with landing any sort of internship and traveling anywhere.  I feel like there's no purpose for me in Erie anymore, other than working at least five hours a week at Target and build blanket forts in between my dresser and mattress and hide away in it.  I mean, I have my friends and my family (it seems like the majority of them don't get along with my immediate family anyways, so they won't even notice I'm gone), but I'm not in school, I'm not anticipating a boyfriend anytime soon, I've got no kids, and I'm young!  This is a perfect time for me to be traveling and experiencing what this chunk of rock has to offer.

Being a little bit of an Internet buff, one of the main internships I've recently been aiming for is for Philip DeFranco's little project he has going on in the YouTube community.  He's currently running four very successful channels, including his own channel, which has received over 3 million subscribers in the past seven years he's been involved, SourceFed and it's counterpart, SourceFedNERD, and ForHumanPeoples, a clothing company that has also turned into another successful channel.  Overall, Phil has accumulated a community of over four and a half million people, which is pretty insane to think about.  And you know what?  Phil dropped out of college.  He worked hard to get to where he is, from having nothing to pretty much owning a company, a news website, and impacting lives every single day.

I've been watching Phil since he still called himself 'sXePhil' and had a different into to his videos every week in 2009.  I was only 16, but I think Phil sparked interests in me that I've never had before:  politics, world news and history, the occasional celebrity news.  And when it comes to SourceFed and NERD, I'm opening up to more things that I didn't think I would ever be interested in again, including anime, movies, video games, technology, and community.  Plus, I've been messing around with graphic design for a while (which I kinda suck at), and the launch of ForHumanPeoples' "Drawing Board" segment has totally made me a little inspired to start trying to pen down some cool designs for their shirts, and even trying to draw a little better than I do now.

When I found out there were a few young people my age with internships at these places, it really sparked something in me to just keep trying for anything.  Sourcefed is my tip of the mountain, but any cool internship with awesome opportunities would be just as awesome.  I know that since I'm not anyone special, this probably will never happen, but as a young person dreaming to get out of the snowy state she's always known, I'll shoot higher than the moon when it comes to my dreams, and I'm totally okay with shooting higher than I think I can reach.

If Phil actually sees this, that'd be pretty cool.  I think he needs to know that there are people being changed for the better from his story and all the hard work he's put into all his projects the past seven years.  I hope to someday be a part of this growth, but if I cannot, I'm more than content with watching him be successful with the people he loves and appreciates.

Life is all about experiencing cool stuff and being satisfactory with where you're at in life.  So, though I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life, am extremely single, am possibly dying from a disease that I have no idea about, and don't know my passions in life, I at least want to be happy when I essentially 'grow up'.  If happiness is all I get from this life, I think I'll be content, but I at least wanna experience some cool things during the ride.

Why I Probably Won't Be Drinking on my 21st

Today marks three months until my 21st birthday.  And from what I've seen for most of my life, turning 21 is probably one of the momentous birthdays, mostly because you can start drinking... and people seem to love to get a kick out of that!  A lot of people recently have been asking what I'm going to do for my 21st birthday, like what my plans are and their more important question: what will my first drink as a legal adult be?  And my answers?  I'm probably not doing anything, unless some people really want to get together, and it's almost certain that I won't have a drink at all for my birthday.

Now, before I go on, I don't want anyone to think that I'm condoning anyone who drinks.  And if you think my views are based on my religious faith, you are very wrong.  Okay, so anyways...

As a kid, I was surrounded by a negative influence when it comes to drinking.  My dad was a very heavy drinker, taking me to bars every weekend, almost making names like "Bill's" and "Star" second homes to me.  In the past twenty years, he's so dependent on alcohol to live his daily life that if he doesn't consume it, he gets real bad seizures.  Seeing an influence like that pretty much set in stone at a very young age that drinking would not be in my future anytime soon.

In high school, there were a decent amount of kids that would go out and drink after football games or homecoming.  And that's totally normal!  Everyone has their groups in high school that do those things.  But I remember being that one kid who wanted to scream at them and be like, "Guys!  Look what you're going to do to yourself!" and show them a picture of my dad.  As a bullied high school kid with no friends, though, all it would do is paint a bigger target on my back, so I never said a word.

And now, being graduated and out of school, I see the effects alcohol has on former friends.  Some are still pretty normal and I love talking to them, but there are some that I can't even be around anymore.  My family always says that my father was a kind and generous guy, but only when he was sober.  As soon as he had a drink in his hand, he was a completely different person.  It really changes people, and I never really noticed it until I saw it in my friends that I knew for years, being reunited with them for the first time in years and seeing a completely different person.  I imagine it being like being told something completely opposite from what you've always known, like the color green is actually called pink.  (I don't know, I tried thinking of a good analogy but I couldn't think of anything.)  I sometimes get picked on for feeling uncomfortable around people while they're drinking and I think I understand why:  people are different when they drink, and I don't like it.  It's uncomfortable for me, personally, and if drinking is ever involved, I'd rather remove myself from the situation so not only I'm uncomfortable, but they're not uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable, if that makes sense.

Instead of getting wasted and not remembering anything from my 21st birthday, I want to be surrounded by people I like and reflect on the past 365 days I've lived.  Tell stories, laugh, cry, take silly pictures, sing, dance... maybe hold a dog.  It's a miracle I'm even here in the first place.  What's the point of celebrating if you're not going to remember it?  I'm totally cool with celebrating the past 21 years I've been blessed to wake up and walk the Earth with people that appreciate my presence in their lives instead of celebrating the fact that I can hold animals at animal shelters and drink alcohol.

Music Monday,

And here's another edition of Music Monday!  This week is about boys, because I've been single for way too long and found three groups of boys that you might like, musically.  Don't worry, no Justin Bieber or 1D this week!

1.  Try Hard - 5 Seconds of Summer

If you don't know 5 Seconds of Summer, where have you been?!  These four Aussie cuties headlined for One Direction's "Take Me Home" tour and are preparing a full-length album, scheduled to be released this year.  And listening to their few singles online, I can surely say that Luke, Michael, Ashton, and Calum are going to be going places!  And for those of you coming around and are a part of the 5SOSFam, I'm definitely an Ashton girl.  I guess you could say that though they all play guitar, I'm into drummers. ;)

2.  Make Out - Rixton

So, I shamelessly watch "Wild n' Out" on some nights.  And a few nights ago, this real catchy song came on during the credits and it was from this particular band, Rixton.  I searched them up online and they've done a few covers, but their first single is what has got me hooked.  These four Brits, Jake, Charley, Danny, and Lewi, have made a upbeat and summery tune that has been put on repeat since I discovered it.  And the parodies of all the music videos add a special touch (videos stretching from Rihanna's 'Stay' to Miley's iconic 'Wrecking Ball'... it's seriously worth a watch).  They've really deserved their title of MTV's Artist to Watch.  These boys are gonna go places!

3.  Story of my Life - Charlie Puth

Yes, I know it's a cover.  Yes, I know it's really unoriginal to review covers.  But it's my blog and I don't really care.  Now, if you've been keeping up with my Music Monday segment, you know that Charlie is probably one of my favorite independent artists online.  I really like this song on it's own, but the fact that Charlie can strip a song and make it a beautiful piece blows me away every time.  As always, an amazing job from Charlie and definitely go check out his other music!

Live a Little

Here are a few things I'd like to experience in 2014. (Based on a few lists I found in SoulPancake)

1. Eat something that challenges my gag reflexes.
2. Grow something.
3. Stand on the edge of a rooftop.
4. Feed myself for a week with only $7.
5. Stand in the pouring rain.  Get drenched.
6. Buy and play a ukulele.
7. Make a meal of whatever I have in my fridge.
8. Leave flowers at a random doorstep.
9. Next time I get into an argument, let the other person win.
10. Create art with a kid.  Experience the mess.
11. Buy an album based solely on the cover art.
12. Don't use the words "Yes" or "No" for an entire day.
13. Listen to No.1 hits from the year of my birth (1993, for those of you who didn't know).
14. Watch a makeup artist at work.
15. Go to a slam poetry reading (if those things even exist in Erie).
16. Hunt for street art.
17. Go to the planetarium. 

Doing Things for Yourself (aka What I Learned in High School),

Whether you had a great or miserable experience, I bet everyone remembers their high school experience.  I remember being a young, stupid girl in high school.  I was insecure with myself, hardly had any friends until senior year, and practically liked half of my graduating class.  But didn't every girl find the cute boy in health class or the guy that helps push you in a wheelchair for a few days easily crushable at 16?!

But I also remember the segregation I felt.  The bullies.  The comments girls and guys alike made about me.  My teeth were funny.  My hair wasn't dyed right.  I wasn't smart enough to hang out with the AP kids, nor was I dumb enough to hang out with the basic level kids.  My music taste totally wasn't cool enough to hang out with the cool girls.  I wore sweatpants to school one time and three girls called me lazy and poor because of it.  I was too fat for softball or basketball... or any sport, for that matter.  I remember asking a guy to junior prom and he laughed at me in front of everyone.  I just wasn't enough for most of the kids in school.

I just remember wanting to change for everyone, making them like me.  I changed my wardrobe.  I dyed my platinum blonde hair back to my natural hair color and cut most of my hair off in one sitting.  I changed the shows I watched and threw away my Evanescence, MCR, and 90's playlists to exchange them for the likes of Lil Wayne and Wiz Khalifa (which is, to this day, one of the biggest things I regret doing).  I took classes I really couldn't handle and tried to apply to as many clubs as I could so that people could find me cool.  

And it actually worked.  I made new friends.  I was involved in school and people knew my name.  Girls started to compliment on my outfits and I even had a boyfriend for a short time.  I played football... and people thought that I was decent.  I injured my knee a week before graduation and so many people gathered around me to motivate me to walk at graduation.  I felt like a star.

And then we graduated.  My graduation party had come around and no one from my graduating class showed up... except one.  I remember getting screamed at by my stepdad, asking why we made a big deal out of my graduation if none of my friends were even going to show up.  And that's when I realized something about high school:

High school is supposed to be used as a tool to learn things about what you may experience outside of your sacred fortress, not be a battle of the social climb.  These 100, 200, 300... hell, 1,000 people you will be walking with at graduation probably won't be in your life after you graduate.  Why spend thirteen years climbing for social attention when all your work is going to render useless in reality?

I graduated with 183 kids.  Out of 183 kids, I talk to two.  One of them I work with, and the other has been my best friend since middle school.  People grow up and grow apart... it's a way of life.  And that's okay!  There's nothing wrong with it.  However, what is wrong is when kids focus their life on climbing the social ladder and impressing everyone.

I dealt with it for years.  Almost a year after high school, I saved a ton of money and I got my braces thrown in.  Sure, I won't see 99% of my graduating class until 2016, but when I made the appointment, I remember telling myself that this was going to show all the kids that picked on me for all those years that I was actually a pretty girl that could do cool things and that they missed out.  Even then, I was still doing things for other people and never seeing the most important person I should be impressing... and that's myself.  It's important to remember that people come and go.  Others are more than comfortable with walking away from each other, but at the end of the day, can you walk away from yourself?

So today, I bought my first pair of sweatpants in five years (they've got pockets!), put on my glasses, threw my hair in a bun, and wiped off my makeup.  I'm lounging in my bed, listening to a John Mayer album and planning a day to build a blanket fort so I can read in it.  I'm on Pinterest as I write this looking for healthy recipes so I can start properly losing weight.  And tomorrow, I'm gonna cook a lot.  Because I don't care.  I'll go ahead and take a picture of my chicken stir fry and no one will complain.  And besides, if they do, they're just jealous that they can't have my delicious stir fry in the first place.

The people who matter won't mind silly, minute things about you... like wearing a pair of sweatpants, gaining a few pounds, or the kind of music on your iPod.  Those who mind won't matter.  Surround yourself with people who genuinely like you and do cool stuff with them.  It's more beneficial to your life than surrounding yourself with people that make you force yourself to change who you are, even after you'll never see them.

At the end of the day, I sometimes regret changing myself for these people.  My hair, my clothes, even my braces sometimes.  But because of them, I've become a stronger and better person.  I remember a girl asking me what I would change if I could go back... change the fact that I was bullied; change people's minds so they would come to my graduation party?  Getting my braces?  And I told her no.  I wouldn't change a thing.  All these experiences have made me the person I am, which I find myself to be a very caring person who's always open for conversation and laughter.  I wouldn't be Carly Miller without the things I experienced in high school.  So to all the girls who bullied me, the guys who turned me down because of my buck teeth, that girl who hid my clothes in the locker room, the boys that called me fat every day junior year, and countless others... thank you.  Because of you, I'm showing the best person I've ever been to the best people I've ever surrounded myself with.  And I'm totally okay with that.

There's Always Time to Build a Fort,

So recently, I went on the hunt for a very popular book by the ever fabulous Rainn Wilson.  And finally, after checking four websites and two bookstores, I got my hands on SoulPancake, a book chock full of 'life's biggest questions'.  So, for a little while anyway, I decided to place some of my answers to the many questions that are stuffed in this book... starting with this one.

List five things you can learn from a five-year-old.

Whether you like kids or not, it's pretty obvious that being around them makes you learn a few things.  I have three nieces, one's almost 11, one's 9, and one's 5 (I think...), and every time I see them, they always teach me something.  It must be their innocence; the only things they have to worry about are whether it'll be too cold for recess and what Mom is cooking for dinner.  And though the majority of the traffic on my blog is adults and older teenagers, I think we can all agree that sometimes, going back to that mindset of 'hakuna matata' is pretty liberating and relaxing for the mind.  It's time we take a break from all the craziness of adulthood for a few minutes and just think:  what can I do to live a happier life?  I asked myself this exact thing earlier today and this is what I thought of:

1. Be spontaneous.  Live like every day is your birthday.  Take a different route to work.  Try different, exotic foods.  Go to a coffee shop you don't go to that often... heck, my Starbucks worshippers should try sitting in a Dunkin Donuts for a day.  Go watch a movie by yourself or gather up a group of friends and go on a mini adventure.  Build a blanket fort in your room and read books under it, or... I don't know, jump off a bridge and into a lake.  But a small bridge, because I love you too much for you to jump off a big bridge and hurt yourself.  Do things that you'll look back on and, whether they be exciting or not, will be worth telling a story when you're older... even if it is stepping out of your comfort zone and sitting in a Dunkin Donuts.
2. Do your own thing and always have the courage to be yourself.  Don't worry if people aren't into it!  I've learned from a real young age that you cannot impress everyone.  Not everyone is going to like shonin anime, share a matching 'Troy and Abed in the Morning' mug with you, understand your Doctor Who references, rap about pizza queens, or gawk at the perfection that is the cast of Teen Wolf's abs (confession... I'm talking about me).  Don't let other people stop you from liking things!  If you wanna dye your hair blue one day and wear a t-shirt plastered with cats, you go for it.
3. Be open about your feelings.  Even if it has to resort to miming them.  It's important to talk and communicate with those you care about.  When you keep all that junk inside, you just turn into this ugly, moldy pizza left in the fridge for a few weeks.  Now who wants to eat a moldy pizza?  People will still tolerate and love you, because you're pizza, but they definitely won't try to take a bite out of you!  You should strive to be a happy, fresh pizza!  Everyone loves a fresh pizza!
4. Dance like people are watching.  You deserve an audience.  And never, EVER go to a wedding without a few good moves up your sleeve.
5. Be a star.  Well...

And these aren't all the things we've learned from kids.  There's so many, I can't even count.  So I guess that's something I think you should ponder on today.  What can I learn from the younger generation that'll help me live a happier life?  Sometimes, it takes getting down to a child's level to see the simplicity of life.  We just have to take that initiative to get down there.

Music Monday,

Ayy I'm back for another music Monday!  I know not a lot of people read these or are concerned with what I'm listening to, but I really like doing these!  Here's three songs I'm really into this week!

1. RVRB - Lost in the Wild

So, because I've been cooped up in my house for almost a month, I thought I'd check on some of the artists I used to listen to in high school and see if they were still producing music.  My journey got me to my high school crush, Cameron Mitchell.  And damn, he's better than ever.  He and his BFF, Jake Morrison, put this song out about four months ago and I'm so sad I found it so late because it's been my jam for the past 48 hours.  If you haven't heard of RVRB or even Cameron (have you been living under a rock?), then this is a great place to start. I promise you'll be hooked.

2.  Koopa Fields - Heaven on Earth

I've been watching Koopa Fields on YouNow for a while, and recently he won a Folger's contest, won a ton of money, and locked himself away for a while to make music.  And what's come out of that hiatus has been remarkable.  Koop has done a fantastic job with his new single, which was released on New Year's Day, and I'm excited to see what else he has in store. (It wouldn't let me post his video, so hey, get his classic Stones... here's the link to HonE though! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk-QA0qsePg)

3.  Joey Gatto - Let Me Touch Your Butt

Wow.  Just... what a masterpiece.  And that dancing was on point.  Bravo, Joey Gatto.  Bravo.

Oh by the way you guys owe me dates lil nig get that going okay?

Your Top Five,

So, for those of you that know my internet usage, I'm on a lot.  And one of the things I'm on a lot is Twitter.  I follow a lot of different people, from YouTubers to TV stars and interesting regulars.  Now, one of the people I follow, Michael Fjordbak (if you don't know who he is, get acquainted before his career blows up... a very talented and nice guy!) posted this today and it inspired me to write this.

A lot of us are going through tough times.  And when you are going through these tough times, the most important thing is to find a person or people that are going to be available to you so you can talk and express your feelings.  People that, even if you don't need advice, will be available to sit and listen.

As a Christian, I have a strong belief that the Lord has blessed me with the gift of listening.  I may not be able to string the right words into sentences properly, but my young brain is like a treasure chest full of many of my friends' struggles and secrets.  And that's okay!  I'm so glad they see me as a person they can spill their junk on and hopefully, what I say helps them in their journey.

Do you remember those old T-Mobile commercials where they would talk about establishing your 'top five' contacts?  Well, that's my advice to you: find your top five.  Find those people that you'll be comfortable talking to, no matter the time or the situation.  Find those people that'll just sit and listen.  Because when times get tough, your heart gets heavy, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's isn't helping, the most important thing to have is a community of friends that'll pick you up, dust you off, and even share that pint of Ben and Jerry's so you don't suffer from a tummy ache all alone.